I'm Sad Angry and Tired
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I'm Sad Angry and Tired
Hi all, a little background about AH and I....
I have been married 6 1/2 yrs to my AH, known him 9 1/2 yrs.
We met in a support group. We friendship dated for a few years, got engaged then married.
Then had a child a year later.
He was my best friend. Now it seems he isn't even a friend, let alone a husband.
When we met he made me believe he was in recovery, and continued sobriety at that time for 3 yrs. A few years into the marriage, he began to look drunk each day, slurring speech, intoxicated look. He was on pain meds (hydrocodone), and xanax. These meds had been prescribed to him for quite a few years. I knew alot about drugs, but knew nothing about pills. In 2005 he disappeared for 3 days, he relapsed on crack, and committed adultery.
In Jan 2007, still continueing on meds, he relapsed again on crack, for 2 days much money spent. He entered an outpatient program til June.
I now have custody of our son. AH has been out of the home since Jan 2007.
I have detached quite a bit, he has his supervised visits with son 2 times per week. I threatened divorce many times over. But I still kept hoping.
I'm sad that he hasn't cared enough to get totally sober, changing from one med to another, off xanax, but still continues pain killers.. Two weeks ago I found out he was on percocet and avenza at the same time. Percocet being a narc a level above hydrocodone, avenza being another narc. I found out by accident, being at his Dr's for a pre discogram appt. When his Dr. said what he was on I looked in shock at my husband. He never told me his change. I told the Dr, the meds are too intoxicating for my husband (see every time I get involved in his health care, I'm the one telling the Dr, not him) I was angry and have been since. I refused to go to the discogram with him, he got a friend to take him and bring him home.
I'm angry that our son is not able to have his father healthy and home full time because of his addictions!
I'm angry that I can't connect in any loving way with my AH because of his addictions. If I do I get hurt, lied to, etc.... Yet he tells me he loves me.
I'm tired of it!
Thankyou for listening.
NH7
I have been married 6 1/2 yrs to my AH, known him 9 1/2 yrs.
We met in a support group. We friendship dated for a few years, got engaged then married.
Then had a child a year later.
He was my best friend. Now it seems he isn't even a friend, let alone a husband.
When we met he made me believe he was in recovery, and continued sobriety at that time for 3 yrs. A few years into the marriage, he began to look drunk each day, slurring speech, intoxicated look. He was on pain meds (hydrocodone), and xanax. These meds had been prescribed to him for quite a few years. I knew alot about drugs, but knew nothing about pills. In 2005 he disappeared for 3 days, he relapsed on crack, and committed adultery.
In Jan 2007, still continueing on meds, he relapsed again on crack, for 2 days much money spent. He entered an outpatient program til June.
I now have custody of our son. AH has been out of the home since Jan 2007.
I have detached quite a bit, he has his supervised visits with son 2 times per week. I threatened divorce many times over. But I still kept hoping.
I'm sad that he hasn't cared enough to get totally sober, changing from one med to another, off xanax, but still continues pain killers.. Two weeks ago I found out he was on percocet and avenza at the same time. Percocet being a narc a level above hydrocodone, avenza being another narc. I found out by accident, being at his Dr's for a pre discogram appt. When his Dr. said what he was on I looked in shock at my husband. He never told me his change. I told the Dr, the meds are too intoxicating for my husband (see every time I get involved in his health care, I'm the one telling the Dr, not him) I was angry and have been since. I refused to go to the discogram with him, he got a friend to take him and bring him home.
I'm angry that our son is not able to have his father healthy and home full time because of his addictions!
I'm angry that I can't connect in any loving way with my AH because of his addictions. If I do I get hurt, lied to, etc.... Yet he tells me he loves me.
I'm tired of it!
Thankyou for listening.
NH7
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this, but it happens when addiction takes over someone. He may have begun the pain meds for legitimate pain, but it sounds like he has crossed the line into addiction.
Just remember...his addiction is nothing personal against you or your son. Oh, I know, it feels pretty darn personal. I just mean he's not thinking "gee, I think I'll mess up all our lives"....in fact, if he's an addict, he is thinking logically at all. I'm a recovering addict and there was nothing logical or sane about my thinking when I was using.
I hope you keep reading and posting here....lots of wonderful people here with tons of support.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Just remember...his addiction is nothing personal against you or your son. Oh, I know, it feels pretty darn personal. I just mean he's not thinking "gee, I think I'll mess up all our lives"....in fact, if he's an addict, he is thinking logically at all. I'm a recovering addict and there was nothing logical or sane about my thinking when I was using.
I hope you keep reading and posting here....lots of wonderful people here with tons of support.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
It's sad that he has made such poor choices. I've found in Alanon that the only person I can change is myself.
When I had finally had enough and was sick and tired of it is when I began to seek some help from others who have learned to live with this disease.
You are already doing that by posting in this forum. I hope you will continue to come by this forum and learn how others in your situation have handled things.
The sticky thread titled "What Addicts Do" pretty much sums up what living with active addiction is like.
Keep coming back...I'm sorry for your pain. There is hope and plenty of good friends here who understand and care.
When I had finally had enough and was sick and tired of it is when I began to seek some help from others who have learned to live with this disease.
You are already doing that by posting in this forum. I hope you will continue to come by this forum and learn how others in your situation have handled things.
The sticky thread titled "What Addicts Do" pretty much sums up what living with active addiction is like.
Keep coming back...I'm sorry for your pain. There is hope and plenty of good friends here who understand and care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
Needinghelp,
Welcome to SR I can definitely understand what you are going through. I am going through a similiar experience with my AH. He is still actively using marijuana and spends a great deal of time out of the home. He does not see the importance of being with us. I have tried to encourage him but his addictions continue to pull him away. I am expecting our third child as well. Please keep coming back to SR things will eventually get better... it just may not look the way you want it to. I know for me things are not looking at all the way I'd hoped. I am considering seperation and divorce but at this time my life is so up in the air I have no idea what anything will look like.
Keep taking care of you and your son. Your AH will continue to do what he wants until he's sick and tired.
Peace.
Welcome to SR I can definitely understand what you are going through. I am going through a similiar experience with my AH. He is still actively using marijuana and spends a great deal of time out of the home. He does not see the importance of being with us. I have tried to encourage him but his addictions continue to pull him away. I am expecting our third child as well. Please keep coming back to SR things will eventually get better... it just may not look the way you want it to. I know for me things are not looking at all the way I'd hoped. I am considering seperation and divorce but at this time my life is so up in the air I have no idea what anything will look like.
Keep taking care of you and your son. Your AH will continue to do what he wants until he's sick and tired.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Thankyou all for your welcome and support....
Imperfect, thanks for the reminder. I do many times take it personally. I still struggle with resentments. Forgiving for the 1000th time, it gets more difficult. I'm angry that I'm married to a man I can't have as my lover, nor a part of the family (healthily).
I don't want a divorce.... I don't want to be a single mother.... I don't want another man..... I want him sober and healthy!!!!!!!!!
This week I had a vision of me in a black dress having his funeral. This is what I was thinking during the vision, "what would I say if he died and I had a funeral for him....I wouldn't have one good word to say about him." Jesus help me!
FYI- I told him along time ago, if he died on drugs, I wouldn't have a funeral for him.
His sister would have to do it.
I know this is my fear of him dieing on drugs.
Lord restore me to sanity.
Thankyou all for being here.
NH7
Just remember...his addiction is nothing personal against you or your son. Oh, I know, it feels pretty darn personal. I just mean he's not thinking "gee, I think I'll mess up all our lives"....in fact, if he's an addict, he is thinking logically at all. I'm a recovering addict and there was nothing logical or sane about my thinking when I was using.
I don't want a divorce.... I don't want to be a single mother.... I don't want another man..... I want him sober and healthy!!!!!!!!!
This week I had a vision of me in a black dress having his funeral. This is what I was thinking during the vision, "what would I say if he died and I had a funeral for him....I wouldn't have one good word to say about him." Jesus help me!
FYI- I told him along time ago, if he died on drugs, I wouldn't have a funeral for him.
His sister would have to do it.
I know this is my fear of him dieing on drugs.
Lord restore me to sanity.
Thankyou all for being here.
NH7
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
hi,
i feel your sadness and anger and it's good that you are noticing that you are sad and angry.
hopefully you are able to recognice these things in yourself then you wont have to bring your anger to your child. that happens sometimes with any parent, but I mean as the theme of your relationship with child.
may you find your answers to the situation within. the answers are in YOU. may you find a way to be still and search your heart more and more, and may your answers become crystal clear.
I'm rooting for you
It's nice that you have supported and stuck to your husband through all of these things. perhaps if he sobers up, however, the damage and hurt to your relationship will be too much to overcome. it may be very difficult to ever trust him agailn.
I can't imagine the fears and difficulties of being a single parent. My ex-wife has been just that since she divorced me. somehow she has survived and kept the semblance of a home for my children. I fear i would have ended up on the funny farm had I been thrust into her situation. I have just a tiny glimpse of the fear you are facing.
hang in there, do what you can, and love your beautiful child and yourself as much as you can.
i feel your sadness and anger and it's good that you are noticing that you are sad and angry.
hopefully you are able to recognice these things in yourself then you wont have to bring your anger to your child. that happens sometimes with any parent, but I mean as the theme of your relationship with child.
may you find your answers to the situation within. the answers are in YOU. may you find a way to be still and search your heart more and more, and may your answers become crystal clear.
I'm rooting for you
It's nice that you have supported and stuck to your husband through all of these things. perhaps if he sobers up, however, the damage and hurt to your relationship will be too much to overcome. it may be very difficult to ever trust him agailn.
I can't imagine the fears and difficulties of being a single parent. My ex-wife has been just that since she divorced me. somehow she has survived and kept the semblance of a home for my children. I fear i would have ended up on the funny farm had I been thrust into her situation. I have just a tiny glimpse of the fear you are facing.
hang in there, do what you can, and love your beautiful child and yourself as much as you can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
"Forgiving for the 1000th time, it gets more difficult. I'm angry that I'm married to a man I can't have as my lover, nor a part of the family (healthily)."
Why are you forgiving? Detach and really think about how you want to live and what kind of life you want for your kids. THen set your boundaries and their consequences. I had to write them down. Then I told my RAH what they were. I cannot be his pillow to fall on if he uses. He must suffer his consequences for using. I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. When He was using, I picked up the slack and made it easier for him. Then got mad at him because I did! How crazy is that. I can only control myself! I cannot allow him to drag me down with him if he is using.
I have promised to give this time and a year to stay sober and clean for his brain chemistry to start working again. I thought he was having an affair before I knew about the drugs. I live in marriage that has alienated me/my family from my/our friends, no trust, he has no libido and erectile dysfunction, his depression, loss of happiness/laughter in my home, he doesn't sleep well at night,.... His drug use has done alot of damage. But I love him and I will give him a chance to stay clean and sober. If he can't then I will leave with the kids. It is hard. But I have to remember that all I need is WITHIN me. I was told that the road to God is never paved easy and smooth. I was given this hand (even though I didn't want it) and I have to play it or just quit/fold and lose.
Why are you forgiving? Detach and really think about how you want to live and what kind of life you want for your kids. THen set your boundaries and their consequences. I had to write them down. Then I told my RAH what they were. I cannot be his pillow to fall on if he uses. He must suffer his consequences for using. I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. When He was using, I picked up the slack and made it easier for him. Then got mad at him because I did! How crazy is that. I can only control myself! I cannot allow him to drag me down with him if he is using.
I have promised to give this time and a year to stay sober and clean for his brain chemistry to start working again. I thought he was having an affair before I knew about the drugs. I live in marriage that has alienated me/my family from my/our friends, no trust, he has no libido and erectile dysfunction, his depression, loss of happiness/laughter in my home, he doesn't sleep well at night,.... His drug use has done alot of damage. But I love him and I will give him a chance to stay clean and sober. If he can't then I will leave with the kids. It is hard. But I have to remember that all I need is WITHIN me. I was told that the road to God is never paved easy and smooth. I was given this hand (even though I didn't want it) and I have to play it or just quit/fold and lose.
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