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Old 06-03-2008, 12:04 PM
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Things just keep turning up

This morning I came across my AH's paraphernalia by accident. I was cleaning hair spray that leaked in a drawer and there it was, in the back of the drawer.

Here is what is going through my mind....

I could not say anything to him about what I saw, which is very typical of how I would behave. Even though this is our kids bathroom and it could have very easily been them that saw it.

I could say something....what I would say, I do not know.

I just do not know what the right reaction is. I want to yell at him and tell him I am tired of living with his sorry, addict, ass. But I know this would not net any sort of positive outcome for him or I.

I am thinking that by being silent I am making life too easy for him. I am letting him off the hook by not ever having to face how I feel.

Anyone have any input?
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Old 06-03-2008, 01:08 PM
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Yeah, tell him his sorry azz could have gotten the kids taken away.

Florida Children's Service does NOT LOOK KINDLY on drug paraphernalia in a child's bathroom.

There now that I got that out, in reality, especially with children in thehouse, you need to set some boundaries and stick with them.

How do you figure out what boundaries to set and how to keep them.

Try some Alanon or Naranon. I say Alanon because usually there are more Alanon meetings at more times in any area than there are Naranon meetings.

Be mindful that telling what he can and what he can not do won't get anywhere per se. Instead, you have to decide what is and is not acceptable FOR YOU.

ie

"I cannot have any paraphenalia in this house or drugs because of the children. If you persist than (such and such) will have to happen.

Now "such and such" can be him leaving, or you taking the children and leaving or something in between.

However, and this is where Alanon comes in so well. You have to learn how to stand by the boundaries you are setting.

Alanon is very helpful in so many ways. And over the years I have found what I learned there to be most helpful in most facets of my life. Be it with a partner, at a job, in line at the grocery store, etc.

Don't forget the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

By setting boundaries you are not 'controlling' you are simply stating what you will and will not tolerate. Your health and your children's health is of utmost importance.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and the kids are doing, we do care, so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-03-2008, 01:11 PM
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I'd take it, flush it and wait for him to say something to you!!!
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Old 06-03-2008, 01:39 PM
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I think it would be appropriate to say something especially since it was in the kids bathroom.

Remain calm at all cost when bringing it up cause I am sure that it could only do more damage if you get angry and try to discuss it.

Also I don't know how hard it would be to wait and bring it up when he isn't high but it seems it would be best to approach this with him when you know he is straight.

I hope you can set a boundary that you know you can adhere to. ((((BIGHUGS))))
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Old 06-03-2008, 01:50 PM
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I agree totally with all that Laurie shared.

I'll just add that just because I have not set a clear boundary...it does not free the other person to do anything else I may find in the future to be unacceptable.

I have always hold the right to change my mind if I decide that my boundary was not specific enough to include some things and addict might do. The only reason for me to even have to state what _my_ specific boundaries is really a just a warning, not an excuse to tip-toe up to a line that I have set.

The reason I share this perspective is that so many times when in the moment, I was not able to enforce because some situations could be vague or even unprovable..."I didn't leave that here...my friend did." "You said if I didn't steal from you that I could stay" etc etc.

Non-inclusive detailed conditions just wore me out and the day I realized I could just say "stop" and/or "no more" and mean it....that was enough. Just some food for thought.
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Old 06-03-2008, 02:07 PM
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It's hard enough to keep kids away from this stuff during everyday life. But to have it right under their noses? So thoughtless. It just shows you where his head is at. I'm sorry you had to find it but I'm glad you did before the kids did.

Please take care of you and your kids today. I hope you let us know how things turn out.
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Old 06-03-2008, 04:49 PM
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get rid of it and watch him go slowly (or not so slowly) insane as he was/will be expecting his next fix and will probably be worked into a frenzy at that point.......LOL
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Old 06-03-2008, 08:01 PM
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as easy and satisfying as it would be too toss it down the loo and have a big screaming match i think the best way to go about it would be to wait until the right quiet moment when the kids arent around and say to him in your most calmest and quiet serious voice
if you want to be an addict that is your choice. i hate it but this is not about that right now. Your drugs and associated items are to never been seen within reach or access of our children, take them to your shed/garage etc in a locked area and do not let me see them again.

no threats, just clear rules of what isnt acceptable and stating it in a quiet and calm manner shows that you are dead serious and perhaps he will be more likely to go and think about that rather then start a screaming match with you and lose sight of what the objective of the conversation was meant to be about.

look after your kids first even it really is hurting right now (which im sure it is)
good luck, let us know how you go xx
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:35 PM
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This is simply not acceptable. Not to me, and if you think about your children in the same house, I think, probably not to you.

That said, I will admit that when my son was using, there were many times that I knew of "unacceptable" actions in my home, and chose not to say anything sometimes because I because I did not know what to say, and other times because I knew that I was not ready or willing to do what needed to be done. Silence was preferable (to me, at that time) to bluster and yelling, with no real consequences for him. Yes, there were times I destroyed/and or disposed of his stash/paraphernalia, and waited for him to realize what I'd done. Big deal. He never said anything to me, other than to ask what happened to it, and then he went and got more. Clearly, my disposal of the materials did not affect his addiction or behavior.

The big deal in your situation, as I see it, is that he is using and storing his stuff in your home under the noses of your children. That, for me, would be a "turning point." A line I could not let him cross again. Not because he's an addict. But because of the kids and the danger to them. It's like leaving poison (actual and virtual) within reach, and I could not stand that he made that choice. His choices for himself are one thing. But we are obliged to protect our children, and he has endangered them. Complicity in that would not be acceptable to me, as a Mom.

There are hard choices to make, but I think that making them will not be something you will ultimately regret. I wish you strength and courage, and the peace from knowing that you are taking a necessary step.
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Old 06-03-2008, 10:02 PM
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Florida Children's Service does NOT LOOK KINDLY on drug paraphernalia in a child's bathroom.

There now that I got that out, in reality, especially with children in thehouse, you need to set some boundaries and stick with them.
I couldn't agree more with this. God, it just gives me chills to imagine a child finding that. What if that child had gotten some of the residue in the mouth? Nose? An older child might actually try to smoke what's in it if they're curious.

I just can't see that this is ok on any level. Unless you make a choice, set some boundaries and stick to them, it could be social services you are talking to and not us.

Please consider your children. If anything.
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Old 06-04-2008, 12:02 PM
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Thank you for the very real advice everyone offered. I confronted him this morning about finding his stash in the kids bathroom. He immediately apologized and said that he was very wrong to leave his stuff there and it will not happen again.

If I find it again, I will dispose of it. I didn't tell him that, the conversation was going in a positive direction, so I didn't want to throw in anything that might come off as a threat to him.

He then gave me the, 'I'm gonna quit at the end of the summer anyway' line.

Looking back at the conversation, I can see how he manipulated his way out of getting his butt chewed out by being all sweet and apologetic.

Anyway, the boundary has been set and I feel a little more confidence in being able to set some more and not toleate things that are obviously unacceptable.
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:13 AM
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ps - when he said he was gonna quit at the "end of the summer" did you ask WHICH summer? LOL
How demented am I that I found humor in that question.
I guess that was the mistake I made with my exah when I told him that he had until June to get his act together...I guess he didn't know I had meant June of 2006...LOL!
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Old 06-05-2008, 10:18 AM
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Cupi.. dont think you were demented at all cause I found humor in that as well... LOL
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Old 06-05-2008, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Cupicake View Post
How demented am I that I found humor in that question.
I guess that was the mistake I made with my exah when I told him that he had until June to get his act together...I guess he didn't know I had meant June of 2006...LOL!

Don't worry, I laughed too. Always have to look for the loop holes.
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