freaked out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 5
freaked out
Hi everyone:
I am new to this forum today. In fact, I've never posted in a forum and am learning. Then again, I'm learning a lot these days. 31 days ago I found out that my husband was using heroin for 9 months. I have been lied to consistently for that time and since before. We've been married for about 2 1/2 years and I am feeling that it has been somewhat of a sham.
At the same time I very much love him. The day I found out he went to a detox facility and is currently pursuing outpatient treatment. He said that he wanted to tell me but his user buddy kept telling him that should I find out I would undoubtedly leave him.
He attends NA meetings as well. This has been a crazy month- doctors, appts, suboxone, fear, his drug buddies trying to contact him (even though he has told him that he does not want further contact)
My head is constantly going in circles. I have no idea where my life is headed, I very much love my husband, but I am tired of feeling so afraid. Things seem to be going ok for now, but what about that potential relapse that looms daily?
I know I need to take care of myself- but I am not sure I know what that means. I started going to therapy but is that what this means? I'm afraid of saying something to him that might trigger a relapse. I'm afraid that he will be unable to stick to the sobriety program. His counselors say he's doing well, his urine analyses have all been clean, he participates in the groups, and am told that he is not in denial. I don't know what to believe though. Afterall, it's one day at a time right?
I'm afraid that this disease might win. I'm afraid of what it will do to me on the sidelines...
And so, I've turned to this forum for support and perhaps, in not feeling alone, I can face this as best I can.
Thanks for reading.
I am new to this forum today. In fact, I've never posted in a forum and am learning. Then again, I'm learning a lot these days. 31 days ago I found out that my husband was using heroin for 9 months. I have been lied to consistently for that time and since before. We've been married for about 2 1/2 years and I am feeling that it has been somewhat of a sham.
At the same time I very much love him. The day I found out he went to a detox facility and is currently pursuing outpatient treatment. He said that he wanted to tell me but his user buddy kept telling him that should I find out I would undoubtedly leave him.
He attends NA meetings as well. This has been a crazy month- doctors, appts, suboxone, fear, his drug buddies trying to contact him (even though he has told him that he does not want further contact)
My head is constantly going in circles. I have no idea where my life is headed, I very much love my husband, but I am tired of feeling so afraid. Things seem to be going ok for now, but what about that potential relapse that looms daily?
I know I need to take care of myself- but I am not sure I know what that means. I started going to therapy but is that what this means? I'm afraid of saying something to him that might trigger a relapse. I'm afraid that he will be unable to stick to the sobriety program. His counselors say he's doing well, his urine analyses have all been clean, he participates in the groups, and am told that he is not in denial. I don't know what to believe though. Afterall, it's one day at a time right?
I'm afraid that this disease might win. I'm afraid of what it will do to me on the sidelines...
And so, I've turned to this forum for support and perhaps, in not feeling alone, I can face this as best I can.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Welcome - and I know you will get support and help from SR.
Going to Alanon or Naranon meetings was what saved my life - to be with others who were struggling with what I was. It was very frightening for me. They also have some great literature. The meetings are for family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. I mostly went to Alanon because we didn't have Naranon in my area.
Keep coming back!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Going to Alanon or Naranon meetings was what saved my life - to be with others who were struggling with what I was. It was very frightening for me. They also have some great literature. The meetings are for family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. I mostly went to Alanon because we didn't have Naranon in my area.
Keep coming back!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I know I need to take care of myself- but I am not sure I know what that means.
Hi Frida, glad to see you made it over to Family and Friends of Substance Abusers
I hope you have been reading the many posts and also the stickies, because really, it is difficult to start taking care of yourself when your first instinct is to focus on your addicted husband (AH). As loved ones, we often develop our own personal problems, such as the anxiety and fear you are experiencing. This codependent thinking, that we somehow are able to affect whether our addict stays sober or not, keeps us from doing what is truly best for us, which is keeping our focus on ourselves rather than on the addict. Someone said here recently that it is almost counter-intuitive, to take the focus off the person with the problem and let that person learn to handle their own recovery. I know I found this difficult with my recovering son. I thought that he NEEDED all my help to SEE THE LIGHT. I wasted a lot of energy trying to get him to do things, and a lot of years. When I came to this forum and saw all the parents talking about their own experiences, it really mirrored mine and I got on board quick with the "step away from the addict" action! I was saddened by the realization that my son was an addict, but I also felt a great sense of relief knowing that I didn't have to hold all the worry anymore, that it was his to hold.
I hope you stick around to talk with all the wives of addicts as well, Frida. And read the posts. When you see familiarities, take note. If you see something you don't agree with, you don't have to. Many people also find al-anon or nar-anon meetings very valuable, as they get a chance to talk face-to-face with others in their shoes. You are not alone, Frida, and that in itself made me feel a LOT better and a lot less crazy and fearful
Hi Frida, glad to see you made it over to Family and Friends of Substance Abusers
I hope you have been reading the many posts and also the stickies, because really, it is difficult to start taking care of yourself when your first instinct is to focus on your addicted husband (AH). As loved ones, we often develop our own personal problems, such as the anxiety and fear you are experiencing. This codependent thinking, that we somehow are able to affect whether our addict stays sober or not, keeps us from doing what is truly best for us, which is keeping our focus on ourselves rather than on the addict. Someone said here recently that it is almost counter-intuitive, to take the focus off the person with the problem and let that person learn to handle their own recovery. I know I found this difficult with my recovering son. I thought that he NEEDED all my help to SEE THE LIGHT. I wasted a lot of energy trying to get him to do things, and a lot of years. When I came to this forum and saw all the parents talking about their own experiences, it really mirrored mine and I got on board quick with the "step away from the addict" action! I was saddened by the realization that my son was an addict, but I also felt a great sense of relief knowing that I didn't have to hold all the worry anymore, that it was his to hold.
I hope you stick around to talk with all the wives of addicts as well, Frida. And read the posts. When you see familiarities, take note. If you see something you don't agree with, you don't have to. Many people also find al-anon or nar-anon meetings very valuable, as they get a chance to talk face-to-face with others in their shoes. You are not alone, Frida, and that in itself made me feel a LOT better and a lot less crazy and fearful
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Frida -
I'm so glad that you have found your way here but am so sorry for the circumstances. I so understand how you feel and every one of us here has walked in your shoes. The confusion and pain can be so overwhelming but there is lots of information here and wonderful people. One of the first things that helps is to read the "stickys" at the top of the forum page. They have loads of information. Also, read the books by Melody Beattie on Co-dependency. I know that my RAH's relapse prevention counselor said that my work in recovery was every bit as important as his. Alanon/Naranon have really really helped me a ton. In those programs, I began to work the steps and also found a sponsor to guide me through the steps.
You definitely are not alone - listen for the similarities and not the differences....take what you like and leave the rest. I hope to see more of you!
I'm so glad that you have found your way here but am so sorry for the circumstances. I so understand how you feel and every one of us here has walked in your shoes. The confusion and pain can be so overwhelming but there is lots of information here and wonderful people. One of the first things that helps is to read the "stickys" at the top of the forum page. They have loads of information. Also, read the books by Melody Beattie on Co-dependency. I know that my RAH's relapse prevention counselor said that my work in recovery was every bit as important as his. Alanon/Naranon have really really helped me a ton. In those programs, I began to work the steps and also found a sponsor to guide me through the steps.
You definitely are not alone - listen for the similarities and not the differences....take what you like and leave the rest. I hope to see more of you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Hi Frida and Welcome,
I remember that feeling of walking on egg-shells the first time my son got clean and sober. I was jubilant for my son, but inside me was a turbulent mess. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and was so fearful that if I screwed up, he'd use again. And then someone shared the three "Cs" with me.
I did not cause it.
I cannot control it.
I cannot cure it.
Those three lines buoyed me in the early days of my recovery. Whether my son used or not I quickly learned was and is not my responsibility. I can no more assume responsibility for his using than I can take credit for his recovery. I learned I am simply not that powerful. None of us are.
I am so happy you found this forum. There are men and women here, including myself, who know exactly how you feel and are happy to share their experience, strength, and hope with you. If there is a Nar-Anon meeting near you, I would suggest you check it out. If not Nar-Anon, then Al-Anon.
In the meanwhile, keep coming back, keep reading, and keep sharing.
You are in good hands and you are not alone on this journey.
I remember that feeling of walking on egg-shells the first time my son got clean and sober. I was jubilant for my son, but inside me was a turbulent mess. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and was so fearful that if I screwed up, he'd use again. And then someone shared the three "Cs" with me.
I did not cause it.
I cannot control it.
I cannot cure it.
Those three lines buoyed me in the early days of my recovery. Whether my son used or not I quickly learned was and is not my responsibility. I can no more assume responsibility for his using than I can take credit for his recovery. I learned I am simply not that powerful. None of us are.
I am so happy you found this forum. There are men and women here, including myself, who know exactly how you feel and are happy to share their experience, strength, and hope with you. If there is a Nar-Anon meeting near you, I would suggest you check it out. If not Nar-Anon, then Al-Anon.
In the meanwhile, keep coming back, keep reading, and keep sharing.
You are in good hands and you are not alone on this journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Frida,
I understand how you feel. I just found out a little over 6 weeks ago my hubby was an addict to vicodin. The rollercoaster of feelings still hits me every couple of days. One day we feel steady the next day anger and mistust takes over me. I also fear the relapse. We have 2 small children and I don't know what is a better option stick around and wait for a possible relapse or divorce and have my children go through pain that way.
I am going to bed now but feel free to contact me anytime to talk more. Hang in there!
I understand how you feel. I just found out a little over 6 weeks ago my hubby was an addict to vicodin. The rollercoaster of feelings still hits me every couple of days. One day we feel steady the next day anger and mistust takes over me. I also fear the relapse. We have 2 small children and I don't know what is a better option stick around and wait for a possible relapse or divorce and have my children go through pain that way.
I am going to bed now but feel free to contact me anytime to talk more. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
There is much comfort here and many who have faced the same fears, problems, questions,....as you have. My husband for 17 years told me he was using Lortabs 6 for the last 6 years and then started on Fentanyl the last 2 years. WE have 3 kids. He went into rehab Oct. 26. Inpatient. I NEVER KNEW! I am a nurse. He is great at manipulating and lying. I have stayed with him and he is still clean and sober. BUT he and I and our relationship is TOTALLY changed. I am still trying to educate myself and understand what GOD has in store for me. You have made the first step. There is a problem and you will come to understand that YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT AND YOU CANNOT CURE IT. He has to want to stay clean for himself. He has to want it. No one can do it for him. He has to face life on life's terms. There is no easy way out. Codependent NO More by Melody Beattie is a great book, read the stickies at the top of the forums "What do addicts do", support groups and posting on this site helps. You have friends here who understand. You are in my prayers. Keep posting.......
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((((Frida))))))))))
Yep. It certainly is one day at a time. I hope you'll
continue to share and be part of a great group.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your
family tonight.
Linda
Afterall, it's one day at a time right?
Yep. It certainly is one day at a time. I hope you'll
continue to share and be part of a great group.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your
family tonight.
Linda
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
Welcome Frida. As I'm sure you've seen from the previous posts, there are a lot of us who understand. When I found out about my wife, one of the hardest things was carrying that load around and not being able to share it. Since I've found some good books (mentioned above) and been reading here daily, I'ts really helped lighten the load. There are lots of wonderfull people here with lots of experince and wisdon to share. Talking with people who understand has been a huge help for me.
Hang in there, and keep reading.
Hang in there, and keep reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 5
Thank you for all of your support. The fact that I am not alone in these feelings strengthens me already. It certainly makes me feel less crazy. I will make it a point to get a hold of the codependency literature that many f you recommend. I keep reminding myself that it really is one day at a time and I have a long road ahead of me. It is comforting to know that I can turn to this forum along the way...
Best,
frida
Best,
frida
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Frida))
Sorry I'm late on this, but welcome to SR.
I am a recovering addict (RA) and a codie (codependent). I just wanted to emphasize what others have already told you...there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make your AH stay clean or relapse.
Oh sure, we may say "well you did.....and I got so stressed I had to use" but it's BS. We only use because we are addicts and we want to get high. When we get into recovery, it's our actions and thoughts that make us stay clean.
Another thing. Although his addiction is pretty devastating to you, it has nothing to do with how much he loves you or your worth as a person. We tend to feel "if I had done this, or said this, maybe he wouldn't have turned to drugs". I was raised by 2 loving parents, did well in school, got my nursing license and was a darn good nurse for 12 years. I still became an addict.
I'm glad you found us. This site has helped me tremendously in my addiction recovery and codie recovery. When I stopped trying to "fix" everyone around me, it became so much easier to not even think about drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry I'm late on this, but welcome to SR.
I am a recovering addict (RA) and a codie (codependent). I just wanted to emphasize what others have already told you...there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will make your AH stay clean or relapse.
Oh sure, we may say "well you did.....and I got so stressed I had to use" but it's BS. We only use because we are addicts and we want to get high. When we get into recovery, it's our actions and thoughts that make us stay clean.
Another thing. Although his addiction is pretty devastating to you, it has nothing to do with how much he loves you or your worth as a person. We tend to feel "if I had done this, or said this, maybe he wouldn't have turned to drugs". I was raised by 2 loving parents, did well in school, got my nursing license and was a darn good nurse for 12 years. I still became an addict.
I'm glad you found us. This site has helped me tremendously in my addiction recovery and codie recovery. When I stopped trying to "fix" everyone around me, it became so much easier to not even think about drugs.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I'm afraid of saying something to him that might trigger a relapse.
You don't have the power to make him use or get better. Keep the focus on
you, all the same don't try and guilt him into quitting etc. Keep it on you and you can't go wrong.
JMO...... :bounce
Welcome to SR :ghug3
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