Soul Searching
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Soul Searching
Hi all!
Babysat last night for my nephews, ages 9 and 4. They kept me very busy! As I sat there on the rug with the 4 year old drawing pictures of cars and flowers, he said to me, "It's fun having you here." It made my heart smile. But it also brought on feelings of regret. (Yes I know those don't do us any good)
I regret not ever having more kids. I AM very thankful I have my son, 20 now, but in my mind I always wanted more. Raising him was the best thing in my life, but it was difficult...young mother, abusive ex, single parenting. But worth it.
I always wanted to try it again with a loving, caring, responsible spouse. I thought my AH was the one. I was wrong. Now I'm past the point that I think I can do it again.
So it brings me back to why I have stayed so long when I have been unhappy.
Reading "Codependent No More" and going to al-anon is helping me think more about the reasons.
Two things I know for sure:
1. I've been trying for too long not to make the mistakes my parents did when they broke up my family.
2. Indecisiveness and fear of change.
So I'm wondering if anyone has that fear of change and/or difficulty making choices. And what helped you?
As always, thanks for reading.
Babysat last night for my nephews, ages 9 and 4. They kept me very busy! As I sat there on the rug with the 4 year old drawing pictures of cars and flowers, he said to me, "It's fun having you here." It made my heart smile. But it also brought on feelings of regret. (Yes I know those don't do us any good)
I regret not ever having more kids. I AM very thankful I have my son, 20 now, but in my mind I always wanted more. Raising him was the best thing in my life, but it was difficult...young mother, abusive ex, single parenting. But worth it.
I always wanted to try it again with a loving, caring, responsible spouse. I thought my AH was the one. I was wrong. Now I'm past the point that I think I can do it again.
So it brings me back to why I have stayed so long when I have been unhappy.
Reading "Codependent No More" and going to al-anon is helping me think more about the reasons.
Two things I know for sure:
1. I've been trying for too long not to make the mistakes my parents did when they broke up my family.
2. Indecisiveness and fear of change.
So I'm wondering if anyone has that fear of change and/or difficulty making choices. And what helped you?
As always, thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I felt both of those things before I finally decided to divorce my alcoholic husband, Its. It was a very hard decision, and one I did not take lightly at all. I too wanted to do better than my parents did, to stay married. But I just couldn't take it anymore and was going down with my AH. I literally had to get out of the fetal position in my bed at one point after laying for hours in an almost catatonic state. Fear propelled me-fear that I was going to go off the deep end and then who would take care of the kids? We separated, but I didn't file any papers, tried one reconcilation but the booze came back and I spiraled down with him in his relapse, another year apart and then divorce. I really drug it out, and wasn't 100% sure as I signed the papers. I was humilated at my failure, embarrassed, and in shock, I think. It had been years of living with anxiety, and I could barely make good decisions. I'm not sure what made me go through with it; I think at that point I was motivated by financial woes and didn't want to risk him taking me down in that respect also.
It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce was final, and I definitely know now that it was the right decision. I still feel a twinge of failure at the whole not being married for the rest of my life, but it passes. I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, just taking care of me and helping my soul rest and revive. I don't miss him anymore and I honestly can't stand it when I see his name on the caller ID. I don't love him anymore, and I do not want to be his wife anymore. I'd rather be divorced and have serenity and joy than go back to a life of sadness, hopelessness, and fear. It took a long time to get here, but I'm glad I stuck it out and had the inner strength to forge ahead with my divorce even when I was really shaky and bewildered.
I was very damaged by the 28 years of marriage--VERY. I intend to do now whatever I can, each day, to heal myself and to love life again. Hugs to you, sweetie, cause I know how much you want to do the right thing, to know what the right thing to do is. There is no great solution, but there will be one path that is better than the other. It may be to stay together and work through recovery together if that happens, it may be to separate and divorce. Staying in the unhappiness is just that-staying, not really living life. Continue your soul searching. It's worth it, and so are you
It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce was final, and I definitely know now that it was the right decision. I still feel a twinge of failure at the whole not being married for the rest of my life, but it passes. I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, just taking care of me and helping my soul rest and revive. I don't miss him anymore and I honestly can't stand it when I see his name on the caller ID. I don't love him anymore, and I do not want to be his wife anymore. I'd rather be divorced and have serenity and joy than go back to a life of sadness, hopelessness, and fear. It took a long time to get here, but I'm glad I stuck it out and had the inner strength to forge ahead with my divorce even when I was really shaky and bewildered.
I was very damaged by the 28 years of marriage--VERY. I intend to do now whatever I can, each day, to heal myself and to love life again. Hugs to you, sweetie, cause I know how much you want to do the right thing, to know what the right thing to do is. There is no great solution, but there will be one path that is better than the other. It may be to stay together and work through recovery together if that happens, it may be to separate and divorce. Staying in the unhappiness is just that-staying, not really living life. Continue your soul searching. It's worth it, and so are you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Hey ItisaTruth!
I hung on too. By the time I said Yes, and I Do - I knew two things; Getting married was mostly a legal thing for us by that time and I knew it wouldn't change anything or make it better/worse. I still know those two things, it didn't change anything and it is a legal nightmare (well, not really but it sure can feel that way).
I don't have kids, as you know, but I did try to discuss the possibility with my AH - thankfully we didn't have any. Am I going to regret that? I don't know, time will tell. Am I going to regret spending/wasting one more year of my life in an unhappy, unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship? If I stay one more minute - absolutely it will be one of my biggest regrets I think. Time has slowly started speeding up the older I've gotten (and so I've been told happens for many of us
). I have heard too many stories of regret, of waiting/hoping that one more year - next thing you know, five, 10, 15 more "years" have gone by, and usually nothing changed. What a waste. I've also heard stories of hope and courage and strength of those that did get out of unhealthy situations and have moved on to fulfilling lives.
When my fear creeps in a little too far - I try to go back to my younger days - the days when moving states, switching jobs, finding a new apt., etc. was all an adventure - just something you did. Fear wasn't really part of the equation. I've been working and surviving and taking care of myself since I was 17! I know I can do this. I'm more cautious now, I am older, more life experience, so more things to fear - or more things to look forward to! I'm not old, just older - it's a different space. I've been "settled" for 12-13 years, I haven't had to exercise those live without fear muscles. But, I have them, and it sounds like you definitely have lots of them!
Take the time for you!
(((hugs)))
I hung on too. By the time I said Yes, and I Do - I knew two things; Getting married was mostly a legal thing for us by that time and I knew it wouldn't change anything or make it better/worse. I still know those two things, it didn't change anything and it is a legal nightmare (well, not really but it sure can feel that way).
I don't have kids, as you know, but I did try to discuss the possibility with my AH - thankfully we didn't have any. Am I going to regret that? I don't know, time will tell. Am I going to regret spending/wasting one more year of my life in an unhappy, unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship? If I stay one more minute - absolutely it will be one of my biggest regrets I think. Time has slowly started speeding up the older I've gotten (and so I've been told happens for many of us
). I have heard too many stories of regret, of waiting/hoping that one more year - next thing you know, five, 10, 15 more "years" have gone by, and usually nothing changed. What a waste. I've also heard stories of hope and courage and strength of those that did get out of unhealthy situations and have moved on to fulfilling lives. When my fear creeps in a little too far - I try to go back to my younger days - the days when moving states, switching jobs, finding a new apt., etc. was all an adventure - just something you did. Fear wasn't really part of the equation. I've been working and surviving and taking care of myself since I was 17! I know I can do this. I'm more cautious now, I am older, more life experience, so more things to fear - or more things to look forward to! I'm not old, just older - it's a different space. I've been "settled" for 12-13 years, I haven't had to exercise those live without fear muscles. But, I have them, and it sounds like you definitely have lots of them!
Take the time for you!
(((hugs)))
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