She surfaced again....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
She surfaced again....
Lauren finally called home yesterday. It is amzing to me how much relief you can get from one short phone call!! I am finding it harder and harder to know what to say to her and I think she is the same way. She then called back late yesterday afternoon to ask if I would come get her so she could spent a couple of nights and I am ashamed to say but last week when I drove to see the totaled car it cost me $40 in gas and I told her that I could not afford to do that. I felt guilty as hell but it is reality. But oh well, she has to learn that I can't do everything. Still.....hurts like hell saying I am sorry but I don't have it!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((obsessed)))
I wish you wouldn't feel ashamed for telling her "no" because that is exactly what she needs to hear. She has to learn that you are not going to jump in and let her come home, just to rest up and eat, then go back out.
I know it's hard, but you did a really good thing for YOU! Lauren needs to face consequences. It also gives her a good role model when you start taking care of yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I wish you wouldn't feel ashamed for telling her "no" because that is exactly what she needs to hear. She has to learn that you are not going to jump in and let her come home, just to rest up and eat, then go back out.
I know it's hard, but you did a really good thing for YOU! Lauren needs to face consequences. It also gives her a good role model when you start taking care of yourself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
There were times that the only thing I could say to my son was
"I love you so much
You are SO smart and
I know you're going to find your way."
said as sincerely and lovingly as I could say it. This was often followed by some combination of my other standard responses of "oh", "wow", "really", "huh" and "you don't say."
"I love you so much
You are SO smart and
I know you're going to find your way."
said as sincerely and lovingly as I could say it. This was often followed by some combination of my other standard responses of "oh", "wow", "really", "huh" and "you don't say."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
You did good Obsessed. Even though I feel bad when I say no, it also gives me a good feeling about myself. The fact that she can't make me do what I really don't want to do.
Along with that you don't have resentment for being forced into a situation.
Keep up the good work, Hugs.............Lo
Along with that you don't have resentment for being forced into a situation.
Keep up the good work, Hugs.............Lo
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Obsessed,
I am glad she called you, for your piece of mind.
You have no reason to be sorry for telling her "no"
If she lived within your boundaries, she could be living at home.
If you continue to be her soft place to fall, she'll never
have to face the consequences of the way she is living.
Mom hugs to you,
I am glad she called you, for your piece of mind.
You have no reason to be sorry for telling her "no"
If she lived within your boundaries, she could be living at home.
If you continue to be her soft place to fall, she'll never
have to face the consequences of the way she is living.
Mom hugs to you,
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I know how hard it must have been for you to do that but it truly is the only path that has any chance of working. At least know that your feelings about what happened are worth the chance that it will help to lead her eventually to choosing to take responsibility for her life. It's one thing to be a partner of a man with an addiction and it's a whole other thing for it to be your child. I can't imagine. I am saying extra prayers for you and your precious child tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I know what you mean about the relief of hearing from them, and also the realization we can't keep dumping all our resources after them....
I told mine a month ago that I wasn't going to drive 50 miles each way anymore to take her to the HIV clinic that is 3 miles from her - in a city that has public transportation.
I'm willing to do less and less it seems.
I told mine a month ago that I wasn't going to drive 50 miles each way anymore to take her to the HIV clinic that is 3 miles from her - in a city that has public transportation.
I'm willing to do less and less it seems.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Obsessed))))))))
I'm glad you heard from her, too.
Imo, our children, addicts or not, have way
too many expectations on us as their parent.
Especially as they grow into adults. Like we
owe them something for being our child.
I don't get it. I was never like that with my mother.
Don't feel guilty for saying no. Look back at all the
things you did do for her. My Lord!
Let the guilt go. Her life is not your responsibility anymore.
I drove Jay to a therapist appointment yesterday.
Knowing that I had to be at work by 3:00.
I wanted to do it. I swear. But when 2:00 came and I was still in
BFE, I started feeling anxious. I didn't wanna be late to work.
I had to keep reminding myself that I agreed to drive him and
if I'm late, I'm late. It would be my own fault.
Yet, when he got in the car I was quiet and driving like a bat
outta hades to get him home so I could drive the hour to work.
I never let on that his appointment was causing me to be late.
Because it was something that I wanted to do for him. My idea.
At 2:20, I still had a ways to go. I called work and told them I'd be
late because my car wouldn't start. I got there 1/2 hour late.
It was fine. No big deal. But inside I was seething. I decided that
from now on, if he needs me to drive him, he'll have to work his
appointments around my schedule. Not his own.
We do what we can for our children. Addicts or no.
But when it wrecks havoc on our own life/serenity....
it's up to us to stand up for ourselves. No one else is gonna do it
for us.
I applaud you for standing up for your own rights and not folding
just because she made you feel guilty.
Let the guilt go, sweetie. Let it go.
I love you,
Linda
I'm glad you heard from her, too.
Imo, our children, addicts or not, have way
too many expectations on us as their parent.
Especially as they grow into adults. Like we
owe them something for being our child.
I don't get it. I was never like that with my mother.
Don't feel guilty for saying no. Look back at all the
things you did do for her. My Lord!
Let the guilt go. Her life is not your responsibility anymore.
I drove Jay to a therapist appointment yesterday.
Knowing that I had to be at work by 3:00.
I wanted to do it. I swear. But when 2:00 came and I was still in
BFE, I started feeling anxious. I didn't wanna be late to work.
I had to keep reminding myself that I agreed to drive him and
if I'm late, I'm late. It would be my own fault.
Yet, when he got in the car I was quiet and driving like a bat
outta hades to get him home so I could drive the hour to work.
I never let on that his appointment was causing me to be late.
Because it was something that I wanted to do for him. My idea.
At 2:20, I still had a ways to go. I called work and told them I'd be
late because my car wouldn't start. I got there 1/2 hour late.
It was fine. No big deal. But inside I was seething. I decided that
from now on, if he needs me to drive him, he'll have to work his
appointments around my schedule. Not his own.
We do what we can for our children. Addicts or no.
But when it wrecks havoc on our own life/serenity....
it's up to us to stand up for ourselves. No one else is gonna do it
for us.
I applaud you for standing up for your own rights and not folding
just because she made you feel guilty.
Let the guilt go, sweetie. Let it go.
I love you,
Linda
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Yeah Books, I completely agree with you.
It seems my heart always wants to help my son out,
but when I do...my head sometimes kind of resents it.
Actually, other than money, I'm not really asked for anything now adays....
I ask myself this question.
Is this something my addict could be doing for himself?
It seems my heart always wants to help my son out,
but when I do...my head sometimes kind of resents it.
Actually, other than money, I'm not really asked for anything now adays....
I ask myself this question.
Is this something my addict could be doing for himself?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Wow! Everyone seems so brave! Obsessed, thanks for the opportunity to read your post and all the wonderful replies. I am so scared of letting my son do for himself, what will happen?!? I hope to be feeling like all of you some day.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Obsessed
You Did a good thing! The sooner we learned the word "no" the better off they are.
It's probably better when we cannot afford to run every time they have a need. This way you don't feel as guilty saying no, because as you said, this is reality! Especially at the price of gas!
I'm proud of you! Here's hoping this saying no will bring her one step closer to you!
Hugs, Devastated
It's probably better when we cannot afford to run every time they have a need. This way you don't feel as guilty saying no, because as you said, this is reality! Especially at the price of gas!
I'm proud of you! Here's hoping this saying no will bring her one step closer to you!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In the Heart of Dixie
Posts: 128
It really was strange telling Lauren "NO" but I am finding it easier to do so. It still hurts like hell but she has to realize I can only do so much!! I told her that I can't carry us both. You know she was mad but she got over it!! I reminded her that when she got ready for help...meaning rehab...long term... that I would do whatever I had to do to get her the help she needs but I can't and won't help her kill herself anymore but did tell her I love her!! She has called 3 or 4 times today. I still think somedays I take 2 steps forward then 3 back but I am better than I was with her. I still have my days where I am just down about it but I am still smiling and laughing!! Please tell me that is not wrong but I think I deserve to be happy!! Thanks to you all for the great words!! I love you all and you have all helped me more than you will ever know!!!:day4
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Saying No to our kids....
Hi Obsessed,
I find myself saying no more and more to my youngest daughter that is not an addict or alcoholic...she does have Type One Diabetes..insulin dependent and does not take care of herself all that well. She is 31 now and married so remind her of that.
If she needs money for meds or something for our grandson I will loan it to her but otherwise I have her do some work around our home to earn money. She does well with that and is always willing to help even if she isn't needing some money.
I learned to be independent at a young age and still keep my own savings account and checking account and my husband has his....we divide up the bills and take turns getting the groceries.
Gas is a problem for us too....but we don't travel far from home much.
My Mom did all the handling of the money so consequently when she got ill and had to go to a nursing home my Dad was totally lost with the bills. He had his checking account and savings but always worried about it so would go to the bank every month for them to balance his check book. He was in his 80's and they were more than glad to help him.
Some women never have a checking account and their husbands handle all of the money so if they are widowed young they have the same problem.
I told my Mom once that she needed to have an ID Card from the Licensing Office since she did not drive so had no driver's license. It got that she couldn't write a check in the town she lived in all of her life because she didn't have a credit card nor an identification card.
Our other kids have borrowed money for something special and always have paid us back....they know they cannot get anymore if they don't pay back.
It is hard to say no to my brother that is an addict / alcoholic but I have to because my Mom and Dad didn't and he totally depended on them for everything and now is a lost soul with no one to help him out of his troubles.
kelsh
I find myself saying no more and more to my youngest daughter that is not an addict or alcoholic...she does have Type One Diabetes..insulin dependent and does not take care of herself all that well. She is 31 now and married so remind her of that.
If she needs money for meds or something for our grandson I will loan it to her but otherwise I have her do some work around our home to earn money. She does well with that and is always willing to help even if she isn't needing some money.
I learned to be independent at a young age and still keep my own savings account and checking account and my husband has his....we divide up the bills and take turns getting the groceries.
Gas is a problem for us too....but we don't travel far from home much.
My Mom did all the handling of the money so consequently when she got ill and had to go to a nursing home my Dad was totally lost with the bills. He had his checking account and savings but always worried about it so would go to the bank every month for them to balance his check book. He was in his 80's and they were more than glad to help him.
Some women never have a checking account and their husbands handle all of the money so if they are widowed young they have the same problem.
I told my Mom once that she needed to have an ID Card from the Licensing Office since she did not drive so had no driver's license. It got that she couldn't write a check in the town she lived in all of her life because she didn't have a credit card nor an identification card.
Our other kids have borrowed money for something special and always have paid us back....they know they cannot get anymore if they don't pay back.
It is hard to say no to my brother that is an addict / alcoholic but I have to because my Mom and Dad didn't and he totally depended on them for everything and now is a lost soul with no one to help him out of his troubles.
kelsh
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Obsessed....
Stop answering that dang phone every time it rings.
If the ringing bothers ya, turn it off.
I pull this out of the closet when people visit. I tell it's my
brat-phone. This is the only one I will answer when
the calls start coming and don't seem to stop.
There's no on/off switch on my phone. So I just take
it off the hook. Gets alot o' laughs and saves me alot
of aggravation.
Much love,
Linda
Stop answering that dang phone every time it rings.
If the ringing bothers ya, turn it off.
I pull this out of the closet when people visit. I tell it's my
brat-phone. This is the only one I will answer when
the calls start coming and don't seem to stop.
There's no on/off switch on my phone. So I just take
it off the hook. Gets alot o' laughs and saves me alot
of aggravation.
Much love,
Linda
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by obsessed 
It really was strange telling Lauren "NO" but I am finding it easier to do so. It still hurts like hell but she has to realize I can only do so much!! I told her that I can't carry us both. You know she was mad but she got over it!! I reminded her that when she got ready for help...meaning rehab...long term... that I would do whatever I had to do to get her the help she needs but I can't and won't help her kill herself anymore but did tell her I love her!! She has called 3 or 4 times today. I still think somedays I take 2 steps forward then 3 back but I am better than I was with her. I still have my days where I am just down about it but I am still smiling and laughing!! Please tell me that is not wrong but I think I deserve to be happy!! Thanks to you all for the great words!! I love you all and you have all helped me more than you will ever know!!!:day4
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