Serenity8

My husband is currently attending an IOP. His DOC is marijuana. My oldest brother is coming out to visit next month because our other brother is having a wedding/commitment ceremony. My oldest brother is a known pot smoker and always asks my AH to get him pot when he comes to town (because he won't fly with it).

Oldest brother knows that our marriage has been in the toilet; he is an atty so he has even helped answer some of my questions in regards to my divorce paperwork. But he lives 3000 miles away and we don't talk on a daily basis (and most of our contact is through email). So I just sent him an email:

I know I can't stop my AH from smoking pot, but I'll be damned if it is going to be MY family who is going to put him in a situation to smoke it.

So have I failed? Is this codie behavior??:codiepolice

I also told AH, on my therapist's advice, that if he wants to attend my brother's wedding I don't want him to drink (drinking isn't his main issue, but he does overindulge when we are out together and it stresses me out). My therapist runs an IOP so I guess she doesn't think it is controlling as much as setting boundaries.

This is a fine line for me; mostly I've been trying to stay out of it but now I am afraid of trying to control again. Would love some wise SR insight.

outtolunch

I too struggle with setting boundaries versus controlling behaviors. This sounds a teensy bit more on the controlling side of things.

You asked your brother to support your husband's recovery. It's his choice to do so or not, just as it is your husband's choice to stick with the program or not.

The controlling part is being damned if it's going to be your family that triggers the issues because it implies a belief that you can control what they do and/or have some leverage to compel compliance. So don't be damned or surprised if one or the other chooses to do as they please.

Does this make any sense to you?

laurie6781

It was nice of you to let your brother know that your AH is working on recovery.

Your boundary however, was not stated, as in:

There will be no Pot Smoking or Pot in my home or anywhere around me.

As to AH you also have to set firm boundaries.

There will be NO drinking around me, or at the wedding. This type of behavior will result in XYZ happening.

So were you enabling when you sent the email? NO. But you only took it 1/2 way.

Unfortunately or fortunately with our addicts and/or alkies that are in our lives we have to be very CLEAR, CONCISE, AND SIMPLE to get through their fogged up brain, and sometimes the consequences of going beyond our boundaries has to come into play to get their attention.

You are growing and changing, <vbg> and that is GREAT!!!! Keep up the good work.

J M H O

And please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we really do care.

Love and hugs,

Ann

I don't think this is anything codie at all, but recovery shining as you share honestly with family and set boundaries for yourself.

Not allowing drugs in your home is a safe, self-caring thing to do, it's top of my boundary list too.

Hugs

Serenity8

Thank you so much for the replies. Apparently I really struggle with setting clear boundaries so it is always refreshing to get another point of view. I recently told my husband that if I found any pot, I would be calling the police. We have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, and if anyone ever found out that I knew he had drugs in the house, we could have our children taken away. That scares the crap out of me.

And outtolunch, what you said makes perfect sense. I know I can't control my brother, nor can I control my husband. But I know my brother always asks my husband to get him pot and if he chooses to ask him knowing he is in recovery, that is his problem. If my husband chooses to get it for him, that is HIS problem.

outtolunch

mizserenity, you give me hope that there is hope for me. Thank you.