Need Some Advice On Snooping!!

Old 05-30-2008, 08:10 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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That’s great that this time you are focusing on YOUR recovery. Little by little letting your guard down is the healthy way to approach re-building trust.

History doesn’t repeat itself, people repeat history.

Work on you and your reactions, what didn’t work in the past will repeat itself if YOU don’t change your thinking and approach.
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by ZombieWife View Post
It's hard for me because I have a toddler and I feel that I have to provide a safe environment for my child. But, that also doesn't mean that I need to go looking in places where she's not really allowed anyway and try to find things.
I feel you on that, i mean i have done things like look in wall recepticles, trash cans, under the cabinets on top of them dig through pockets any and everything you can think of....

I have been getting better, and the thing is at one time i just didnt care to look at all....Ironically now that things at the home are actually realllllly good is when i get the urge to start look the most. I sit here and ask myself how can AW be so happy and she not be high, how can she be so happy with me and there not be someone else or what is she hiding...

I found a speeding ticket she had gotten that she hasnt told me about, and I asked myself how big of a deal is that really I dont know why she wouldn't bring it up to me, but you know at the end of the day thats really her thing to deal with not mine...

:codiepolice
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Old 06-03-2008, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post

Work on you and your reactions, what didn’t work in the past will repeat itself if YOU don’t change your thinking and approach.
Well thats something I have worked ALOT on, now internally there is still a battle going on like third world war...however externally ive practiced just listening and NOT reacting as I tend to be a very black and white person when it comes to me AW because im not used to hearing the truth on anything....

One of the weirdest and hardest things for me to do is just simply communicate to her or when im with her in a way where i dont feel im stumbling over my words, its almost a nervous habit because I have always been so used to trying to walk on eggshells.....

Strange as that may sound its just the way its always been, keep the family safe and isolate as much from the addict as possible...
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Old 06-04-2008, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by mikeb View Post

I have been getting better, and the thing is at one time i just didnt care to look at all....Ironically now that things at the home are actually realllllly good is when i get the urge to start look the most. I sit here and ask myself how can AW be so happy and she not be high, how can she be so happy with me and there not be someone else or what is she hiding..
This is where I run into problems with snooping as well. When things seem really good, I go crazy with the desire to snoop again. Up unitl recently I would give in and investigate like crazy, ultimatly bringing down the peace and harmony that was temporaly in my house.

But you know what I have figured out? I think I'm addicted to the chaos and drama that the snooping and discovery of lies and drugs brings. How sick is that? But it's true, it the codependant in me looking for ways to fix a problem or to be my husbands savior.

This revelation is both embarrasing and humbling at the same time. Embarrassing because I cannot believe that I have acted the way and have allowed myself to become this kind of person. Humbling because I know that I have been a big part of the problem in my marriage and i have even unknowingly gotten in the way of my husbands recovery by playing Nancy Drew.

I'm still very new to this and I'm still learning but working the program has really allowed me to see myself in a different light.
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:11 AM
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I'm the same way. If I had snooped a couple of times and never found anything....I probably would have never done it again but my goodness, when you DO find something - BAMM! Reinforcement! It's easier to justify the bad behavior when you don't come up empty-handed.

I agree that I think too we are addicted to the drama of it all. I know I can't wait to charge into a room and share what I've found. Unfortunately, it's never his, he's never seen whatever it is before, I planted it, blah, blah, blah. I get no satisfaction because the satisfaction, for me, rests in him admitting that I was right and that my distrust and insecurities are justified. He won't give me the satisfaction. I've lost some interest.
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Old 06-04-2008, 09:24 AM
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Do you find it hard to express your feelings or wants to your wife? What kind of communication is the hardest for you?

Are those eggs shells you tend to walk on to protect you or protect her?
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Old 06-05-2008, 06:35 PM
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Hi mikeb:
I am pretty new to this stuff- I just found out abut my AH about a month ago. Since then, my life has been spinning in its own orbit. I so thoroughly idnetify with your post about snooping. I agree with you- it's kind of like a catch-22. I want to trust but I can't so I snoop, etc... I feel really bad about snooping too. Just recently, I mistakenly erased an email from my husband's account and felt pathetic and horrible. At times I felt as though I couldn't help it. I didn't want to be lied to again, I didn't want to feel stupid, I wanted to prove to myself that I am not going to "get caught out there again with blinders on." But in my heart, it still didn't feel right.
I decided to admit to my husband that I had snooped, that I was wrong for snooping and that I want constructive communication to play a larger role in our relationship. He understood where I was coming from, wasn't angry, and surprisingly, a little bit of honesty went a long way for me. I felt relieved. I was ready to hop on that scale in the bathroom utterly CONVINCED that that sort of relief had to be accompanied by some measurable weight loss. (Just in time for the summer )
While I don't know the specifics of your situation, I found that if I wanted honesty I had to be ready to give honesty. I don't feel that I would have as much of a leg to stand on if I only criticized and blamed my AH for lying and not be willing to be truthful myself.
Hope this makes some sort of sense....
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Old 06-05-2008, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Do you find it hard to express your feelings or wants to your wife? What kind of communication is the hardest for you?

Are those eggs shells you tend to walk on to protect you or protect her?
Well here is the thing Im a VERYYY expressive person I can verbalize my feelings of how i feel about something probably better than most women its just part of who I am.

The communication I have the hardest with is basically anything that I feel she wont agree with, because I hate conflict Now i will talk a situation to death 3 hrs if needed. I dont like not having resolution on things, but how I REALLY feel about anything I find a hard time expressing that a sense of nervousness and overwealming feeling of shes gonna run off if I do comes over me.

So I tend to invalidate how i really feel or just put on a smile, dont get me wrong things are better now than they ever have been with her in recovery and shes been as loving as she can be given her background. I just sometimes feel everything is a facad, fake waiting for the other shoe to drop so I dont like to rock the boat much cause things are good right now...
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Old 06-05-2008, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by frida View Post
Hi mikeb:
I am pretty new to this stuff- I just found out abut my AH about a month ago. Since then, my life has been spinning in its own orbit. I so thoroughly idnetify
Well Ill tell you this before my wife left me when she was spun out of control I tried that route once, I told her that I had gone through her BB and read her stuff and she left me for 3 days....Now during this time I didnt know she was using i just suspected, so thats a touchy situation....

Its something Ive worked on in therapy, its just getting worse for me this time around and I know whats triggering it this time around and its not her using its the fact that things are going good and I feel something is being hid from me, that im missing something and I just dont want to be blindsided by her cheating again or using or lying to me about who knows what....

I know most of this is trust with me, its issues I have WITH HER and how I am around her because of all the damage this will be the third time ive gone through this with her in 12 yrs and while this time she is more commited than all and Im working on me this time which I know makes a big difference its just hard....

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Old 06-05-2008, 09:40 PM
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Lots of great experience shared here from recovering snoopers, lol. My profession involves investigations so it didn't take me long to perfect snooping either. Reverse directory look ups were my specialty

I've heard the expression here and in the rooms that "time takes time." I think it is safe to say that trust takes time too. You didn't loose trust overnight, just like she didn't become an addict overnight.
It sounds like you are taking many steps forward on your recovery journey. Don't be too hard on yourself...In time, as you both keep working on yourselves, things will continue to improve, no matter what the ultimate outcome.

I do understand the problem of not wanting to let your guard down for fear of being blown away again. That's a tough one. I think that is part of why the focus is on today. It may help to try to focus on the positive of today and enjoy the moments. We can not control tomorrow, and it helps me to remind myself of that each time I start to future trip.
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