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Thoughts, please

Old 05-28-2008, 03:20 PM
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Thoughts, please

My daughter has been calling me and giving me updates and that is okay. One thing that she keeps asking me is if I am happy and sleeping better at night. She used to watch Intervention and the families always said that now they could sleep when their child entered rehab. I don't know how to answer that question because I was sleeping fine before she went to rehab. I truly had given her to God and so I no longer spent my days in turmoil. A year and a half or two years ago may have been a different story, but my life is so different because I have learned to Let Go and Let God. I try to explain the concept to her, but I realize unless you are in that place, you can't understand. So although I am happy for her that she is trying, I am also realistic because of all that I have seen on these forums and all that I have been through and all that I have learned throughout this from all those who came before me. Any thoughts on how I should handle her question. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:22 PM
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I'm trying a little of that "take care of me" stuff today, too. Good luck to you. It sounds like your daughter is in good hands, and it also sounds like she loves you very much.
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Old 05-28-2008, 03:39 PM
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So although I am happy for her that she is trying, I am also realistic because of all that I have seen on these forums and all that I have been through and all that I have learned throughout this from all those who came before me.


Marle, I think I know what you are feeling, as I found myself taking that approach when my son started his "recovery" program on suboxone about 5 months after I started reading here. I certainly wasn't holding my breath (still am not) and really felt like, well, good for him, but I wasn't all giddy-like or anything. In fact, if you remember, I left town on a pre-planned spring break while he was in the detox/hospital. I had a nice vacation and felt pretty serene, all-in-all. My son was calling daily to give me updates and I was happy to talk with him, but wasn't obsessing over it. I credit our feelings to being "in the know" and in our own recovery. If anything about all of this gives me a calm feeling, it is that our children made these decisions because THEY wanted to get sober for themselves.

I think it is sweet that your daughter is aware how difficult it is for parents and families to worry about their drug-addicted children. Let her feel her feelings and maybe just continue with the "Oh?" and "Huh" type answers when she calls. It's her "party" now and she gets to own whatever truths she discovers over these next few weeks. You, well, YOU are already walking the path of recovery so you know it doesn't matter what others are thinking.

You sound wonderful, by the way!
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Old 05-28-2008, 04:14 PM
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My thought is let her think your sleeping better. What's it hurt really? Maybe in some way it helps her to think she's doing something that gives you a little peace. Keeping her in my prayers.
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Old 05-28-2008, 04:49 PM
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I don't know how to answer that question because I was sleeping fine before she went to rehab. I truly had given her to God and so I no longer spent my days in turmoil.
Sheesh, I was going to say to just tell her what you told us here and that recovery is a wonderful thing that she too may find better days ahead....then I read Lostparent's reply...and I like it better.

How be I just leave a big hug and hold back on suggestions until I feel less wishy-washy.

:ghug3
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:19 PM
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Marle,
I think she seems to be wanting some positive reinforcement from you.
And actually, telling her you're sleeping better would not be an untruth, because you are sleeping better now.....that you have a program.



But I can understand how you are feeling, because that's where I am too, a nice calm, serene kind of feeling, like not too much can upset my apple cart.


Hugs to you,
prayers for your daughter...
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:24 PM
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She is finally making the kinds of changes she thinks you wanted for her... and now is seeking approval for that. I get it... heck, I still seek approval, too.

Rather than answer her question directly, how about, "Honey, I cannot be happier that you are in rehab today. It makes me feel proud of your effort and hopeful for your future."

She is probably pretty fragile right now... (((hugs)))
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Old 05-28-2008, 05:28 PM
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marle,
Like what others have shared, I wouldn't offer extra information but if asked and sometimes if not asked I just told him how things really were for me. Many times he didn't seem to care at all and sometimes I felt it was not something he needed to deal with at that time- but to focus on his own recovery.

I found that alot of times my son seemed to go to opposite extremes about how he thought _I_ was doing in relation to him whether he was active or not. I think alot of it came from that self centered addict thought process.

In other words I think that sometimes he felt genuine guilt and really wanted to know how I was doing yet at other times it was all about him not wanting to 'feel' how his actions affected others. I hope that this makes sense...but it's the best way for me to describe how it was in our family.

Like you shared about not losing sleep over her...there were many, many times when my son was so self-absorbed that the idea that I could have a good life or go on vacation while he was out using did not occur to him. I think it was a rude awakening.

In fact, I think it really upset him to see me and the rest of our family continue on with our own lives and actually have some fun, enjoy birthday parties and enjoy family events that he was missing out on.

I don't see a need to tip toe around the truth or walk on eggshells, but I also see no benefit to rubbing it in about how bad things are for me due to his actions. I hope that helps you out.
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:11 PM
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((((((((Marle))))))))))

First of all......I am so happy to hear that Megan is in rehab. I had to go back and read your earlier post to get the 'back' story for your post. I'm smiling from ear to ear and my heart is full of gratitude to hear that your precious daughter sought help on her own...what a great sign !

I admire you and your recovery so much. You worked long and hard and traveled alot of bumpy, painful roads to get to the place you are now...I am just so happy and inspired by you tonight.

Your daughter probably doesn't know which way is up right now...she's probably grasping for some sign or approval from you when she asks how you are sleeping. I really like Big Sis' reply that you are proud of her and leave it at that. She's got alot of territory to cover before she could ever really 'get' the whole recovery process you've gone thru anyway.

Big happy, hopeful hugs coming out your way tonight.

I'm lighting a special candle and sending up a prayer for Megan tonight...
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:41 PM
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((Marle))((Megan))and prayers.
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:46 PM
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(((Marle)))

I, too, think Megan is seeking your approval.

If it were me, I would just tell her "I slept very well last night, thank you" then change the subject. She doesn't have to know you've BEEN sleeping well...at least not right now.

You've given her an awesome example of what life is supposed to be like..without addiction turning it upside down, so approval from you is important (not to mention you're her mom). I know dad tells me he's proud of the way I handled something sometimes, and it makes me feel good.

But when someone HERE tells me "you're doing good"...it means SO much because you all have found serenity in some really tough situations..and dad hasn't gotten that point yet.

I don't even know if that made sense, but when someone's got what we want...a life full of peace and serenity no matter what happens, that approval means a whole lot!

Hugs and prayers to you, Mr. Marle, and Megan (and the pups!)

Amy
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Old 05-28-2008, 06:56 PM
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(((Marle)))

I am so happy that megan is reaching out.....

I can't see any harm in supporting her and letting her know you are proud of her...those early days in rehab are hard (so I'm told) and she's probably feeling all kinds of guilt anger remorse avoidance etc etc etc

what's wrong with giving her a little positive feedback....something as easy as "I sleep better at night knowing you're safe" isn't untruthful....

I sleep better at night whenever i feel secure that all those I love are tucked in safe and sound
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:06 PM
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I think she realizes that she has put you through a lot with her addiction. She knows how much you love her and how much her lifestyle must have hurt you. I think she finally feels like she can let go of some of the guilt she feels for hurting you. She is hoping that along with her taking charge of her recovery she also wants to make you happy.

She doesn't know how hard you have worked to detach and build a life for yourself even though she was deep in her addiction. All she remembers is the pain that she caused her family.

I say let her know that it makes you feel good to know that she is safe and taking charge of her recovery. Going to bed with that on my mind makes me sleep very well.

I think most of us moms would feel that way.

I wish Megan the best...................Lo
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:13 PM
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Marle, I am so very glad your daugter has found the courage to get help. It's huge. Her asking if you are sleeping better is a sign of her love and concern. I like the idea of saying you do sleep well knowing she is in a safe place and by all means let her know you are proud of her for seeking a new way of living.
I am incredibly proud of you Marle for finding your own peace and serenity.
I know how hard you've worked to have it.
Hugs to you and Megan.
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Old 05-28-2008, 07:50 PM
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Just sending hugs to you Marle. Great advice before me. I am just so proud of both of you! I pray this is a start to a new great life for Megan.
You working your program is a shining example for all of us.
:ghug3
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:03 PM
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Because of the recent increased contact from Megan, I get the feeling she started to find her conscience again a short while ago. This may be her way of apologizing until she can find the actual words. I say let her
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:56 PM
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Marle,

I am very happy that your daughter has entered rehab. I will say a prayer for you both tonight. About the sleep issue for me I'd probably say something like this.......Megan, that is so kind of you to be concerned about me. That means a lot. Thanks for showing your concern and you know what? Iam sleeping well and I hope you're sleeping better too. But that's just me. I guess I'm trying to let her know that you realize in her own way she's thinking of you no matter what guise she uses to start the conversation.
I also want to say that in the past you have sent kind words my way and they helped me over some very rough times. I wish in some way I could repay you. Just know that from one mom to another I wish you and Megan well and I will keep you both in my prayers.........you both deserve happiness........God bless.....dixied
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Old 05-28-2008, 08:57 PM
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If I said that to my Mom, I can almost guarantee you what I would hear from her.

Silence, Tears... Yes, I am... But honey .... the most important thing right now is for you to do this for yourself Not for me.

More Tears..... lol

(I don't know what Megan needs to hear, but that is what I would NEED to hear, because I always want to get better for my Mom first).

I'm so happy she is in rehab.!! :praying
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Old 05-29-2008, 05:39 AM
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Marle,

As always, lots of good advise above...

I understand how you feel. I also fought very hard for and found my own serenity when both of my children were deep into their addictions. I was at peace with my life (and their own lives)

When "my Meghan" finally went in to rehab this past January, it was also a decision that she made on her own. When we would talk, I would basically just listen.... I made lots of the appropriate sounds… nodded my head ... cried.... I really did not tell her too much - I just kept telling her that I loved her and that I all I wanted was for her to be happy.

I just could not, or would not, risk letting go of my new found serenity.
Maybe it was the fear of loosing it again - maybe that it why I remained a little aloof from her.

I did write her one letter (as instructed by her counselor) telling her how her addiction had hurt me over the years. But, that was the extent of my honesty during her stay in rehab.

As My Meghan is approaching her almost 6 months sober date,

I am so looking forward to "talking" to her again.
But, I will continue to remind myself, if only for today…

Hope that helps a little,

Good Luck to you and "your Megan"
She is lucky to have you as a mother.
Hugs,
Colleen
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Old 05-29-2008, 06:47 AM
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I also think she just wants to hear you are OK and proud of her. They somehow stay stuck at whatever age that started using. Sounds like a little girl that wants you to know she is sorry and trying. It is a vicious tight rope to be supportive and proud w/o getting our hopes up too high. Maybe she feels the same only in reverse?

So glad she is there,
susan
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