Mom did it again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
Mom did it again
I'm new here. I'm not sure if I even belong here, but I am planning on going to my first Al-anon meeting this week and I thought maybe I'd do better at an online forum sometimes that deal with some of the same things so here I am.
My mom is a morphine addict. She's also a nurse. She's currently in inpatient rehab because I insisted she go. I couldn't handle her as an outpatient.
Now, because of her lack of insurance soon, she'll have to leave and be outpatient.
I don't want to see her, though. I'm dealing with so much rage and that can't be good for her. I also feel horribly guilty and I know logically that's not right, but I can't help it. Seriously, what type of a daughter am I that my own mother would do drugs instead of be there for her child?
I feel so worthless. My own mother doesn't even care enough about me, you know? I'm an adult with children of my own, but we all live together. My husband lives here, too, so we're all one large family.
Yet here I am thinking I'll never be enough for her. She always has to have the drugs, too.
I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. Most of all, I'm just angry. Now I'm getting ready to go to meetings. In the nearly two decades she's been an addict I never thought of myself as an addict's daughter. Now I have to face up to it and I'm terrified.
My mom is a morphine addict. She's also a nurse. She's currently in inpatient rehab because I insisted she go. I couldn't handle her as an outpatient.
Now, because of her lack of insurance soon, she'll have to leave and be outpatient.
I don't want to see her, though. I'm dealing with so much rage and that can't be good for her. I also feel horribly guilty and I know logically that's not right, but I can't help it. Seriously, what type of a daughter am I that my own mother would do drugs instead of be there for her child?
I feel so worthless. My own mother doesn't even care enough about me, you know? I'm an adult with children of my own, but we all live together. My husband lives here, too, so we're all one large family.
Yet here I am thinking I'll never be enough for her. She always has to have the drugs, too.
I'm hurt. I feel betrayed. Most of all, I'm just angry. Now I'm getting ready to go to meetings. In the nearly two decades she's been an addict I never thought of myself as an addict's daughter. Now I have to face up to it and I'm terrified.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi and welcome. I see that you're already planning to go to an Al Anon meeting. That's good - you'll find some good support there.
You also might want to check out ACOA - that's a group for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There's a forum here , and some cities have meetings. You'll find people there who understand your anger and frustration.
Remember the 3 C's ~ you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Hugs
Cats
You also might want to check out ACOA - that's a group for Adult Children of Alcoholics. There's a forum here , and some cities have meetings. You'll find people there who understand your anger and frustration.
Remember the 3 C's ~ you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Hugs
Cats
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Seek and focus on your own recovery while your mom does the same. So that you can be the healthy mom for your own children.
Try not to take it personal...she is an addict.
Lots of support comin' your way
Try not to take it personal...she is an addict.
Lots of support comin' your way
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I am a recovering addict (crack), but my addiction began when I was a nurse, and morphine was something I used, along with a lot of other opiates.
I promise you, she is not addicted because of you...that you aren't "enough" or that she's choosing drugs over you. When you cross the line into addiction, it is as if your mind is taken hostage. You can't think of anything else. It's a vicious cycle...you use, you feel shame and remorse, so you use more to numb the feelings.
I am not justifying anything she has done. I just want you to know that her addiction isn't about you. I love my family, dearly, but when I was using that's all I thought about.
I hope you can find al-anon and acoa meetings because you will meet a lot of people going through similar situations. This is also an awesome place. In this forum, I've met some wonderful friends who have helped me to deal with my codepency issues, and that has helped my addiction recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I promise you, she is not addicted because of you...that you aren't "enough" or that she's choosing drugs over you. When you cross the line into addiction, it is as if your mind is taken hostage. You can't think of anything else. It's a vicious cycle...you use, you feel shame and remorse, so you use more to numb the feelings.
I am not justifying anything she has done. I just want you to know that her addiction isn't about you. I love my family, dearly, but when I was using that's all I thought about.
I hope you can find al-anon and acoa meetings because you will meet a lot of people going through similar situations. This is also an awesome place. In this forum, I've met some wonderful friends who have helped me to deal with my codepency issues, and that has helped my addiction recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Healing prayers going out for your mom, and for you also.
Addiction robs our loved ones of their ability to love anyone, including themselves. No matter how sad or angry or betrayed we feel about them, I can assure you they feel even worse about themselves.
Recovery and time can change all that, especially when we work on our own recovery from the trauma, the chaos and the obsession with trying to save someone we love.
Meetings saved my life, literally. I can assure you that this is a good thing you will be doing.
Hugs
Addiction robs our loved ones of their ability to love anyone, including themselves. No matter how sad or angry or betrayed we feel about them, I can assure you they feel even worse about themselves.
Recovery and time can change all that, especially when we work on our own recovery from the trauma, the chaos and the obsession with trying to save someone we love.
Meetings saved my life, literally. I can assure you that this is a good thing you will be doing.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome to SR. Lots of good folks here who will walk each step with you. I am a nurse also and my daughter is an addict. I too never thought I could use those words. However, with SR, meetings, I make it day by day.
You are in a safe place where we understand your pain. Read the stickeys, our old posts and keep posting yourself. Things can get better for you!
susan
You are in a safe place where we understand your pain. Read the stickeys, our old posts and keep posting yourself. Things can get better for you!
susan
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NJ
Posts: 26
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very painful thing to deal with. I too respond with anger...I'm struggling with that. My AH is a heroin addict. Their actions are so disappointing...but,
You can't cure you Mom
You didn't cause this for your Mom
and You can't control this.
You'll find peace and help at this forum. Welcome
hugs,
dd
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a very painful thing to deal with. I too respond with anger...I'm struggling with that. My AH is a heroin addict. Their actions are so disappointing...but,
You can't cure you Mom
You didn't cause this for your Mom
and You can't control this.
You'll find peace and help at this forum. Welcome
hugs,
dd
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Hi riaerif and welcome to SR.
I have never had a addict parent, but my son has. He grew up with an alcoholic father. Catspajamas recommended ACOA. ACOA is a 12-step program designed for adult children of alcoholics/addicts. There is also a book by the same name. I sent it to my son. He read it and said he cried and cried. He said it made so much sense to him. He said it helped him to understand his own dysfunction as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. He said it helped him to make better sense of his own troubled life. Maybe the book would be of some help to you too.
You said Oh, you belong here alright, and I am very glad you are.
Please keep coming back.
I have never had a addict parent, but my son has. He grew up with an alcoholic father. Catspajamas recommended ACOA. ACOA is a 12-step program designed for adult children of alcoholics/addicts. There is also a book by the same name. I sent it to my son. He read it and said he cried and cried. He said it made so much sense to him. He said it helped him to understand his own dysfunction as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family. He said it helped him to make better sense of his own troubled life. Maybe the book would be of some help to you too.
You said
I'm not sure if I even belong here
Please keep coming back.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Yes, you are in the right place!
The addict in my life is my oldest son, but I fully understand where you're coming from, my father was an alcoholic, and my mother kind of drank alongside him.
I never doubted my father loved me, he drank because he had a disease, just like your mom has. Never for a minute, think it has anything to do with you, it doesn't.
Being angry is okay. I'm sure after you attend Alanon meetings, and keep coming here, your anger will slowly resolve. Well, at least mine did.
Welcome again, this addiction stuff is tough.
My heart hurts for you.
Hugs,
The addict in my life is my oldest son, but I fully understand where you're coming from, my father was an alcoholic, and my mother kind of drank alongside him.
I never doubted my father loved me, he drank because he had a disease, just like your mom has. Never for a minute, think it has anything to do with you, it doesn't.
Being angry is okay. I'm sure after you attend Alanon meetings, and keep coming here, your anger will slowly resolve. Well, at least mine did.
Welcome again, this addiction stuff is tough.
My heart hurts for you.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Riaerif-
Welcome - you've found a great place here.
I say ditto to all the good advice above.
You posted:
Seriously, what type of a daughter am I that my own mother would do drugs instead of be there for her child?
Sweetie! Don't ever take her drug use personally. If love could make an addict/alcoholic stop using then there would be no forum like this! There would be NO addiction! Read up on this - start seeing it as the illness that it is - yes it has a component of choice at the beginning but even that had nothing to do with YOU!! Once your mom was addicted she was no longer capable of making the rational choices that you would expect a mother to make. She is in pain - but it is her pain to work through, and her destiny of recovery or addiction and death is HER destiny. You have to focus on YOU. You are in a lot of pain and have a lot of anger because of this addiction too - it affects the entire family. There are lots of methods for getting yourself to a healthier place...just keep reading here and start eductaing yourself - that's a good start. Don't ever think there is anything wrong with you because your mother is an addict. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Peace and (((hugs)))
B.
Welcome - you've found a great place here.
I say ditto to all the good advice above.
You posted:
Seriously, what type of a daughter am I that my own mother would do drugs instead of be there for her child?
Sweetie! Don't ever take her drug use personally. If love could make an addict/alcoholic stop using then there would be no forum like this! There would be NO addiction! Read up on this - start seeing it as the illness that it is - yes it has a component of choice at the beginning but even that had nothing to do with YOU!! Once your mom was addicted she was no longer capable of making the rational choices that you would expect a mother to make. She is in pain - but it is her pain to work through, and her destiny of recovery or addiction and death is HER destiny. You have to focus on YOU. You are in a lot of pain and have a lot of anger because of this addiction too - it affects the entire family. There are lots of methods for getting yourself to a healthier place...just keep reading here and start eductaing yourself - that's a good start. Don't ever think there is anything wrong with you because your mother is an addict. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Peace and (((hugs)))
B.
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