NEVEREnds

AH called me today and is asking me if I can pick him up to get him out of the house for a while. He has been in his new place ALONE for 4 days. He has no car, no kitchen, not much of anything and he says he is going crazy in this place and just needs to get out. What do I do? I couldn't imagine being stuck in that way and I hate to think that he will go off the deep end or something being stuck there ... In the next breathe, I feel that this is his fault and he had plenty of opportunities to do what's right (i.e. get a job, get a car and STOP using) and he chose HIS WAY. Is this part of their hitting bottom?? And if I do anything will that be slowing the process, for him and for me???

Advise, advise ... Thanks again...
Love and hugs,

LucyA

Does he have a disability that keeps him housebound?
If he doesn't, and you're obviously living apart for a reason, why does he need you specifically to help him get out of the house?

Jody Hepler

I try to remember what the first alcohol/drug counselor I ever had to talk to about my kids said: Any alcoholic/addict wants to get better when you take away the pillows. Was very difficult for me to stop rescuing them and propping them up.

He needs to call someone in recovery and go to a meeting! Seems like he has time on his hands to do that.

They always could figure out a way to drink and drug without my help. When I let go and got out of the way, they found a way to get to meetings.

What I had to do was get busy with my life - find a hobby, call my Alanon friends, take a walk - anything to keep from focusing and obssessing on them and their troubles. Was very tough for me!!

Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou

NEVEREnds

Does he have a disability that keeps him housebound?
If he doesn't, and you're obviously living apart for a reason, why does he need you specifically to help him get out of the house?

Aside from his active drug use he has no other disabilities. He is housebound because he refused to listen to reason and I had him leave our place a little over a week ago. (previous post.. STRUGGLING!!!!) He needs me to pick him up since he has no car and just take him out for a change of pace I guess ... My heart says "OK" but my better judgment says "NO" ... My question is... Is this part of their hitting bottom?? And if I do anything will that be slowing the process, for him and for me???

JODY - Thank you so much for those words. I think I know what I NEED to do for ME.

Love and Hugs,

LucyA

I just your other thread, and in it you say ''I do know showing an ounce of compassion will start something that I don't want to get into all over again''

Show yourself that compassion instead of him, he really doesn't need you to get him out, he'll find a way (if he wants to) but if you continue to be there for him when he wants you to be then yes, in answer to your question I think you will be stopping him from reaching his bottom and yourself from reaching some kind of peace about your situation.

Chino

My daughter always complained about being stuck after I took the keys away, but somehow or another she always found a ride when she really wanted one. About two weeks before entering rehab, she started running 3 miles a day in our neighborhood when she got antsy.

Maybe it's time he started taking walks or something like that to relieve his boredom.

NEVEREnds

So saying NO!!! even for the sake of his sanity is ok?? I'm feel like I'm punishing or being controlling and mean ... And this is not me ... So I'm struggling with myself between right, wrong and who knows what ...

Thanks again,
Love and Hugs,

loner1968

You are expected to feel pity for him! That's what hes counting on! How many times did you need someone and could not count on him? Don't give in. Stay strong!

NoelleR

Honey, it ain't for the sake of his sanity (his mental ability seems to be working just fine).....he's a grown man, with no disabilities, and he can take himself out for a walk if he so chooses....of course, he chooses you cause he probably knows it'll mess with your compassionate self. You're NOT punishing nor being controlling.....but you can bet your bippy that he'll try to spin it that way.....

He's out, so now's the time for both of you to work on yourselves...you work on you and he works on himself (which does NOT include using you)....in part of my addict life and for a while in my early recovery I had no car, but I sure found ways to get out.... (o:


Stay Strong Sistah
NoelleR

NEVEREnds

Thank you!!! I DO need to remember the times when he was not there for me, messed up my plans, embarrassed me, etc etc ... I guess it is just hard when you care ... Keep reminding me these things PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want nothing more than to be strong and continue in my journey to happiness ...

Love and hugs,

ZombieWife

Saying NO for YOUR SANITY is ok. Absolutely.

Let him figure it out himself. He have people to wipe his bum after he uses the toilet or can he be an adult and go for a walk or take the bus w/o someone babying him?

He's keeping you codependent.

It's a manipulation tactic. You don't have to call him on it, just politely say no. If he freaks, then let him freak. He's a big boy. He can do it.


:codiepolice
:codiepolice
:codiepolice

lyssabee

This is something that I have struggled with too. When my husband was started to try to get clean I wanted to "support" him (read: coddle and baby him) in his efforts. But then I remember that he managed to somehow find money when there was none, find a way to the drugs or else figured out how to steal the car, find the hours & days to do the drugs - what an ingenious, inventive guy! I bet your husband is the same way - he can manage to find a way to get out and about if he really wants to.

You can care and still not do his bidding. Stay strong! And good luck.

ZombieWife

That's a darn good point. He found ways to get his fix in the past. If he was my like RAH, he would have flapped his arms hard enough to fly to the moon to get his drug.

Kind of a silly image, I know.

NEVEREnds

he would have flapped his arms hard enough to fly to the moon to get his drug.

Kind of a silly image, I know.

Zombie ................ Thanks for the visual .. Definitely made me chuckle a much needed chuckle ...

kara16

You know what really gets me is the fact that when we were doing everything in our power to try to get them to get their act together they didn't pay no more attention to us than the man in the moon. Now that we have finally lived up to what we told them were the boundaries and ramifications of their continued drug use, they suddenly NEED us.... go figure....tell him no sweetie, he most likely was warned this day was going to come and yet he chose to keep using ... stay strong and take care of yourself and let him learn to take care of himself.... JMO

drugdown

HI,

He's a grown man....and he can walk out the door to the local park or corner with very little effort. IMHO....he's playing you like a fiddle.

Stay strong....

dd

NEVEREnds

I made it through the night after saying NO and sticking to it. It wasn't a fun night with the waves of guilt and sadness that came over me .. But I did what I believed was right and I lived to talk about it .. LOL

peaceteach

Atta girl! One day (or night) at a time, sister And tomorrow morning, I bet you will feel the relief of having made the right choice.

keepthefaith

NEVEREnds -- you did a good thing and made the right decision. I kicked my addict out a few times over our 18 years together and I would sooner or later feel sorry for him, tell myself I should support him cause he's trying to get better, blah, blah, blah, blah blah and we'd be back together in no time.

Guess what? My addict OD'd May 7th. Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind that if maybe one of those times he was out of the house I could have been stronger and let him live on his own for awhile and maybe suffer a little, instead of giving him a soft place to land that maybe it might have ended up differently for him and he'd still be alive.

I vote for hanging tough and not letting your addict play on your sympathy or the fact that he knows you love him and he can push that button as well, I bet.

NEVEREnds

I've left him a few times always to come back and back and back again. Always believing it would be BETTER ... Each time I went back it hurt that much more ... This time me kicking him out knowing he has no money, no car, no job is very tough .. This time feels final since I feel that I've lost the love for him that I once had that kept us together ... I can't keep keeping us together for the sake of ...... who knows what ...
It is eating me up inside knowing, or should i say picturing what he is going through right now. I wouldn't wish it on my enemy, nevermind the man I married ...

(((((KEEP)))))))) OMG I am so sorry for your loss. That is one of my biggest fears, that he will OD or do something to hurt himself out of depression. I get real freaked out at the images and thought I have on that matter ... I pray that this doesn't happen to him or anyone for that matter .. It is so sad ... Prayers and condolenses to you.

Love and Hugs,