splendra

It kinda sounds like you are projecting into the future. I used to predict the future too but, it kinda takes the fun out of living if you know what I mean...

The only behavior you can control is your own. It is wrong to try and scare your wife into submission.

It still sounds like you are using your wife's addiction as an excuse to be violent. I hope you seek anger management counseling before the court's end up ordering you to do it or you end up hurting someone. Men and women who are violent need to stop making excuses for their behavior the violence is about you not her...

Many people live with active addicts and they get mad but, violence is a totally separate issue.

Chino

I have an aunt who remained married through my uncle's alcoholism. They've been together for over 50 years now, though there were many separations. She believed God gave her the strength to emotionally and spiritually deal with his disease, not physically control or vanquish it. She also believed God gave him the strength to deal with it, too, and it was not her war.

Your wife has her devil and you have yours. You cannot help her until you get rid of your own.

jb33

try harder. of course violence is never justified. I consider these examples necessary and controlled restraint - the same as a bouncer or police officer frequently needs to employ. So what would you do, specifically, faced with these circumstances?

splendra

Ever thought about walking away?

jerect

I'm honestly at the point where I can swallow my anger and not let my AH addiction control my life. I have come to this point by working the 12 step program. Step one says we are powerless over drugs and alchohol and our lives have become unmanageable. When it gets to the point when your way (anger, aggression etc) is not working anymore, you look for another solution, one that makes your life more manageable.

You cannot think about the future in terms of what if my wife relapses 5 years down the road, Each one of us that lives with an addict knows that relaps is possible tomorrow, next week or even next year. We take one day at a time and take care of today.

When your wife gets out of control and she disrupts a family gathering and seems to be putting people in harms way then yes by all means call the cops and let them sort it out. But to get angry and aggressive with the situation puts you in the same light as the addict. If the cops were to come to your door after your wife has flown off the deep end and they see that you have abused her in anyway, you will be arrested too.

I agree with the others. YOur marriage seems like a ticking time bomb. YOu both are in danger of hurting the other. If it's as bad as you say then get out while you still have whats left of your sanity. It will get worse before it gets better.

Keep posting and reading on here. I was spiraling out of control when I first found this board. I was reacting in the same way you were and through this board and al-anon I have learned to change my way of thinking and stopped focusing on the addict and started focusing on taking care of myself.

drugdown

Hi JB,

I understand the rage, I really do. It takes on a life of it's own. It takes over, just like drugs and alcohol take an addict over.

Do you think the rage is working?? Do you see her getting better?? Do you feel better after an episode with your wife??

I know I don't. I hate arguing. I despise myself afterwards...and replay all the nasty things I said. I'm horrified that I could even come up with all the put downs and verbal abuse.

We don't generally argue like that...but we did recently...and it hurt me more than it helped anyone.

For a long time, maybe the first four years (we're on 15) I believed that his addiction was a reflection on me. If he relapsed, it must be my fault. I didn't try hard enough...didn't see the signs coming...didn't push him enough...I fell into that black whole with the latest argument..and came running back here....to get help for me....and my problems....my addiction to my addict and what he does and when he does it and why he does it.

I can only change myself....I have no power over anyone else.

Peace and serenity.
dd

Chino

How would I respond, faced with a stranger doing these things? Because that is what your wife is right now to you, a stranger.

Yes, I would escort a stranger out of the house if they became abusive to others there. As for the rest of your examples, I would and have walked away.

IForgot70

What would I do? I'd be calling the cops. And If I had to keep calling the cops, then it would be obvious to me that the relationship is O-V-E-R and I would be doing whatever I had to to MOVE ON.

I just have to say you can’t have this both ways. There’s nothing you can do to stop her from using. So, you are either going to have get some SERIOUS therapy for yourself so you can find HUMANE ways of staying married, or you are going to have to leave her. Period.

Unless she’s coming at you with a weapon of some sort and you need to PROTECT yourself, you DO NOT TOUCH HER OR START THROWING THINGS AT HER or throwing anything anywhere AT ALL. You DON’T get close enough to her where she can bite, scratch, punch or stab you. YOU LEAVE until YOU BOTH calm down. Don’t want to leave the house because she might destroy things? Then call 911 immediately.

You don’t want drama at Grandma’s or anywhere else? Then don’t bring your wife anywhere. Can’t not bring her anywhere? Then you’re going to have to deal with whatever your wife does if you WON’T call the police on her.

I’m sorry your situation is as bad as it is, but SOMEONE in this relationship needs to be an adult. And until someone starts behaving like an adult, you will continue to OBVIOUSLY feel justified in your actions just as much as she feels justified in hers.

If I’ve pissed anyone off, I’m sorry. I’m trying to be understanding to his frustration, but this seems to me to be much, much bigger than anyone here can help him through.

Morning Glory

Hi jb33,

I remember the very day I learned the lesson of having double standards. I've never looked at my actions the same since that day. It was a hard lesson.

If you remove the circumstances and just look at the actions you are both equally aggressive and abusive. There is no justification on either side.

Physical and verbal aggression are not an option and are not legal. They are an unhealthy reaction to the difficult circumstances you are in. They are an attempt to control an uncontrollable situation. She has the right to make any choice she wants in this life. If you don't like her choices you have the right to walk away.

If you give up the option of physical aggression, verbal aggression, and property damage to solve this problem what choices are left?

Those are the answers you can find here when you take your eyes off of her addiction and put them back on yourself and start making changes.

You didn't cause her addiction, you can't control her addiction, you can't cure her addiction.

You can become aware of the disease of addiction. You can accept the circumstances as they are, and then you can take the "healthy actions" necessary to live a happy and healthy life.

Hugs,
MG

dogged

i think we all understand where you are coming from , i think we all get to a breaking point trying everything to get them to see what they are doing for themselves? but you have to ask look what its doing to you? and to her, she will never get clean in that enviroment, and one day you may take it too far and then you may be sitting in jail.. is this what you want? sometimes you have to love enough to let go and let god,..you need an outlet, go to some meetings or at least move yourself out of situation...you are creating the very thing you want her to avoid..you need to control yourself and change something or nothing will change.. keep posting, we all have felt like what you do now at one time or other..

jb33

So I started this thread by ticking off a list of syptoms of abuse without consideration of circumstances. And lost up at the beginning of post 21 is my recognition that yelling, name calling, throwing and breaking things have not been productive.

But in the two events which have been the most "violent", circumstances are critical. And what I'm asking of you all is precisely that: "what choices are left in those specific circumstances?"

I'm not projecting out the future here, these are the specific events which have already happened. But if history repeats itself again, what then? In the first scenario, it sounds like some would intervene on behalf of a loved one. In the second scenario, it sounds like most would use the other bathroom, go back to bed in the other room and cry themselves to sleep unless they've run out of tears.

I won't live like that. If that's what it takes to stay married, I probably have my answer. One more relapse, I don't engage. I just leave.

peaceteach

There ya go.



(And in reality, you really don't have to wait for one more relapse.)

lightseeker

sounds like a great plan to me. I'd make it pretty specific about my reactions so that I wouldn't be in danger of losing control of my actions when it occurs. It's not worth any jail time.

If you insist on projecting into the future then I'd say that if you don't trust her to behave around family (or anywhere else) I wouldn't take the change of going there with her. You're teeing yourself up by doing that. Abuse is abuse no matter what your circumstances. There isn't anything that is making your circumstance uniquely unique where your behavior is justified. We have police officers to take actions like what you are talking about. We do not live in a vigilanty country and do not accept family members acting as officers or bouncers. We have the awareness to make the decision to remove ourselves (and grandma) from the situation without harming anyone else.

Anger is a mood altering state the same way that meth is mood alterting. Anger can be just as addictive as any foreign substance. We are all more alike than we are different. The only thing any of us can change is ourselves.

IForgot70

If, if, if… there are about as many “if’s” to deal with as there are addicts and the people who love them on the planet.

You are looking for people here, and mostly women I might add, to say “yeah, it’s okay for you to muscle your wife into submission.” I can’t speak for everyone, but I think you’re going to be extremely unlucky in your quest.

IF she keeps using and IF you keep trying to muscle her into not using, NOTHING will change.

One of you needs to make a choice… and soon.

rozied

The trouble with living with an addicted partner is what you become in respose to what they do. I finally left my ex for good when I realized I could not change him & living with him turned me into someone I didn't like.

lightseeker

amen

rozied

Error

Morning Glory

My son is the addict in my life right now. I wish more than anything that we could have a strong, healthy relationship. I love him very much.

I do not accept addictive behavior in my home. I know enough than to even try to stop him from using. I am powerless over his addiction and his addict behavior. My son is dangerous when he uses. I have to protect myself. I have a boundary that I will not have any physical contact with him when he is in active addiction. I will only talk to him on the phone if he is respectful. If he is in a life and death situation I call the police and have him taken to a hospital or even put in jail to save his life. These are all options that avoid having direct contact with him. This is how I avoid physical and verbal aggression for both of us.

You are married and living in the same home. You will not be able to "get her to stop when you need her to stop". You need a different plan if you don't want to accept active addiction in your home, which is a good boundary. The only option for me in those circumstances would be physical separation.

Here are some links that may help with awareness.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Original Papers

mrssez

JB you have come to an addiction forum here, and this whole post has been about abuse. You and your wife need to get help however if you do some reading around these forums you will quickly note that your wife will not get help unless SHE wants to. If you love her enough to try to stick it out through this you will need to seek help for your abuse and also to learn how to deal with her addiction. You cannot force her to get help and abuse most certainly wont do it. Try and look around for some abuse forums (I'm sure there must be some out there) and try and work out some steps to take to help yourself. Looking at it from your point of view you wont want to stop abusing her as long as she is using. But also look at it from her point of view, she wont want to stop using as long as you are abusing her. It just makes a hard situation worse and i think the only thing getting my marriage through at the moment is that we know we love each other very much and can still display that to each other. If you arent ready to leave her and it isnt an option start working on ways to help your situation instead of defending yourself. You can sit here all day and defend yourself and it will not get you anywhere. I think an addict needs a reason to quit and a loving partner would most certainly help (although it is damn hard to love them when they are like that we all know this) but an abusive partner will just seek to make her want to get out of her reality even more. Try and get some help and keep posting, best of luck.

wooforever

Myself I think the police should of took you both away. You held her down because you were afaird she was going to hurt you. YOu destroyed furniture because your were mad at her, you destroyed her computer, because she thought someone was getting into it(meaning you). YOu have anger problems. YOu need to get into Anger Management Classes yourself. YOu need to go to NA meetings yourself. You have a problem and until you realize that you will never be any help to yourself. You sound like a bully, that is playing the card my Wife is a drug addict and she could kill me so I better do some thing before she does.

What happens when in your anger you kill or seriously hurt her are you going to say that she deserved it because you were try to get her to admit she was a drug addict or using again.

How about next time when she gets pissed you walk away. You leave the problem and let her deal with it herself.

As for if she ever did that to my grandmother I would of called the cops and got between her and my grandmother till the cops got there. You are responsible for your own actions. Yes it is your problem when you can not keep your temper in check.