drugdown

Hi Friends,

I have not posted in a while. My ah has been on subxone and just recently he confirmed he's not taking the medication and he's back to using again.

My anxiety is through the roof again. My worry that he'll lose his job, get into an accident, overdose...it's all to much.

I spoke to his mother, and she blames me. This was yet another blow.

While I know the three c's, my heart feels guilt. I've spent the last 15 years praying he gets clean, and stays clean.

I'm very much alone. No one in my life except very close people know the situation I live in. They all think I have a good relationship and all is well. My life is a lie.

Thank you so much for having this forum. Just to have a place to get a few thoughts out.

Sending much love and peace.
dd

outtolunch

15 years is a long time to live with the stresses you have lived with, hoping that somehow, someone and/or something is going to change.

AH's mom sounds ignorant of addiction. That's her problem.

finallyout

drugdown - i felt the same way when i found SR. whenever i feel alone in this crazy mess, i always come here. keep reading and posting, you will find lots of great advice and support.

hello-kitty

I have felt that way in the past. I let go of the lie and chose to focus on reality. You can do that. You don't have to live a lie anymore. It's your choice.

You don't have to be a victim of your husbands drug addiction if you choose not to be.

I found it very empowering when I decided to take responsibility for my own life and my happiness and do something about the situation I was in.

Do you know that saying, "if youre in a rut, the first thing to do is quit digging."

I know that it's easier said than done. But it's definitely do-able and so worth it. I hope you find yourself and stop living a lie soon. Things get better fast once we choose to deal with the reality of how things are.

Hang in there!

msmom

Dear DD,
I am in the same place about right now. My AC has relapsed and is now in withdrawal. The suboxone (bioxin, they call it(?) is not always available....(he just lost his job). I am put into a position of the "bad guy" if I don't take him here & there.
Believe me, I know what you must be going thru. Please get to a Naranon meeting asap! We need to know we are not crazy, and we must take care of ourselves. I wish you the best. God bless you.

mikeb

Everyday I wake my heart actually HURTS from anxiety, that fear of this or that whats going to happen are THEY going to choose to use again or stay using and cause another failure in my life.

Its the choices we make, while letting go is one things and letting them deal with there own addiction sometimes, actually most of the time there actions affect those around them so its even harder for those close.

I wish you the best, just know your not alone and :sorry im going on 12 yrs of fighting with my AW addiction and been through hell and back enough times to own a timeshare...

Hangin' In

Drugdown,

I felt hopeless, too. I tried to keep up the appearances that everything was okay, that we were the perfect little family. But the addiction beat my AD and me down to the point where we finally had to do something.

I was told to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon. I was told MANY times but my pride...I can do this, I can fix this, I can handle this...kept getting in the way, that is, until the pain of changing became greater than the pain of staying the same.

I walked through the doors of an Al Anon meeting and it was there that I begin to hear a message of a better way to live. I realized all my 'loving acts' were enabling. I learned that I played a part in the mess of MY life. And it was up to me to change it. I DID have a choice.

Maybe you could find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting near you. We say to attend at least six meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. What do you have to lose?

Big hugs because I surely understand what you are saying,
Hangin' In

greeteachday

Drugdown, Please try to find a Naranon or Alanon meeting...There are tons in your state. You don't have to feel alone or that your life is a lie. You will find so many, many wonderful people who know where you are and how you are feeling and will just love you into a return to emotional health. Naranon truly saved my life and although active addiction is no longer in my life, I continue to attend meetings since it changes my life is such positive ways.

Hugs

prissy88

Hi I Have Been Divorced For 2 Yrs. Have Been Dating A Great Guy And He Loves Me! Problem : I Keep Waiting To See If My Ex Is Going To Stay Clean! He Was Locked Up For 62 Days For Contempt Of Court And He Swears He Has Been Clean Since His Release. He Attends Church Each Sunday And All The Bible Meetings! I Saw Him Last Saturday (may 16) He Sd U Want To Search My Truck! I Sd No, But U Know It I Had Too, Old Habits Are Hard To Break! I Found One Small White Pill In Cellophane Pack On Cigarettes! He Swears It Is Not His And Doesn't Know How It Got There! It Was Only One Pill. I Told Him That He Should Admit That It Is His! He Was Crying Swearing It Wasn;t His! He Told Me That He Has Waited On Me For The Last 2yrs And I Won't Go Back Home Or Stop Dating The New Guy! So Now He Tells Me He Has Been Talking To A Woman In Another Town! She Is A Widow. Her Ex-husband Died In A Car Accident Last July! She Divorced Him Because He Was An An Addict And Had A Drinkig Problem. My Ex Never Met Her Until The Funereal! They Have Become Good Friends(maybe More)since His Death. I Asked Him If He Told Her He Is An Addict! I Told Him Bet If I Called Her I Would Hear A Story Of How Everything Ws My Fault! My X And I Knew This Man And His Family Because We Were(he Lost Ours) In The Same Business! So I'm Sure She Thinks That's How My X And Her Dead X Knew One Another! I Know I Shouldn't Care, But I Do! I Miss Him And My Life! I Have Tried To Move On And Haven't Done A Good Job Of It! I Don't Know Whether To Trust Him Or Not! I'm Afraid He Will Break My Heart! I M Also Afraid That I Will Never Feel The Feelings I Had With Him! He Was Addicted Lortab,valium,coke, And Ice! He Says He Hated The Last Days Of His Addiction And Will Never Go Back To That Place Again! Well, I Know He Doesn't Have The Money To Spend On Drugs As He Once Did! Has Pawned Just About Everything There Is To Pawn! Y Do I Still Have Such Strong Feelings? He Says I Need To Stop Dating And Living In Sin! What Do I Do

drugdown

Hi Friends,

Thank you so much for the support and wisdom....lots of wisdom. I think I had a melt down yesterday. I have not had that kind of anxiety in a long time.

The relapse hurt. I'm sure it's worse for him. But it did hurt me. I'm trying to pull it together.

I do need to go to meetings. I'm sure I'm a part of the problem. You would think by now I would learn that arguing and begging doesn't cure addiction....and addicts lie. All the time.

Peace and hugs,
dd

keepthefaith

Dear DD, I have been where you're at so many times. The addict in my life, my husband, and I were together 18 years. I felt that anxiety you talk about, that waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling, feeling I'm part of the problem, him telling me lie after lie after lie, breaking promise after promise after promise, living a lie to the outside world. And all the while I was praying he'd stay clean and sober, too.

My husband OD'd May 7th and died -- alone in a hotel room in Detroit. He had a wonderful support system - 2 great sponsors, a wonderful addiction counselor, many friends in the program, a loving wife and daughter, a super job, a beautiful home - he attended 4-5 AA meetings a week, but none of this could save him. He started to spin out of control the end of March and was dead 1-1/2 months later.

Why I'm telling you my story is to say that nothing we do will change the addict --- I threatened divorce, kicked him out, took all his credit cards & ATM card, but nothing stopped him from using when he wanted to. They will always find a way.

The only thing we can do is to start taking care of ourselves because that is the only thing we can control. Please take care of yourself first and foremost and try to detach from the addict in your life. That's the most important thing you can do for your own peace of mind. Of course, I realize that is alot easier said than done.

I wish you all the best ---- meetings are a great thing as well as this forum. What has helped me so much is posting here and knowing I'm not alone in how I feel and what I went through with my addict. We who love and take care of the addicts in our lives are very strong, compassionate people. Addicts are selfish self-absorbed people and they really don't deserve us.

drugdown

(((Keepthefaith)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. So very sorry you have to go through this.

Addicts are selfish and sick, very sick. It's the only way I can really deal...by trying to realize how ill he is.

I also relapsed. I should know better. I'm with him 15 years. This is not his first relapse. He started suboxone...and I grabbed onto the hope that this would be it...but there is no it.

Thank you very much for sharing your story.

hugs,
dd

devastated

I am so sorry that you are feeling the pain of having a love one addicted to drugs. I am also very sorry that you are experiencing the "what if's" that we all go through, and most of all am sorry that your MIL blames you for something that is not your fault.

How many times have I experienced the "what if's"? The sleepless nights? Countless times! The problem with that is, even though I worried myself sick over this, in the end, the result was the same.

It has taken me 30 years to realize that all the worry in the world will not change the end result. What will be, will be, and nothing will change until they are ready to make that change.

I have found the only way to cope with this anxiety is to trust that my HP has a plan, and that His plan is going to play out the way it is suppose to whether that be good or bad.

I have found we are helpless over what happens and the choices and decisions that our addicts make.

I use to lie all the time about my son because I was so ashamed that I raised this child this way. It took me years to get over that guilt and shame. Once I even told a "noisy" neighbor, who hadn't seen my son around because he was in jail at the time, that he was a Green Beret! PLEASE!

Then I found this forum and realized that I was not the one causing all these problems, and the guilt and shame was not mine. It was only then that I was able look someone in the eye and say "yes, my son has a problem!"

Once a noisy mailman delivered a letter from my son with the big red stamp on the envelope that said "STATE PRISON" and asked who I knew there. I thought if he was bold enough to ask, I should be bold enough to answer. To which I said, "MY SON!" He was appalled! Then he asked "what for?" To which I answered "he killed a mailman!" Man, he couldn't leave fast enough!

In short, Drugdown, take care of yourself because, in the end, your the only one you can CONTROL. Meetings help so much, as does this forum.

Prayers coming your way,
Devastated

suki44883

Once a noisy mailman delivered a letter from my son with the big red stamp on the envelope that said "STATE PRISON" and asked who I knew there. I thought if he was bold enough to ask, I should be bold enough to answer. To which I said, "MY SON!" He was appalled! Then he asked "what for?" To which I answered "he killed a mailman!" Man, he couldn't leave fast enough!

HAHAHAHA!!! Good for you!!!

keepthefaith

I totally agree with Devastated --- we have to trust our HP has a plan for us. In the last month of my husband's life, I was told by his sponsors to turn him over to God. I did that - never thinking God would take him - but I had to let go and let God take care of him. I was at the end of my rope and couldn't function unless I did something differently where he was concerned.

Even tho the pain of his death is still fresh and I miss him, I also realize that his dying was part of God's plan. My husband was spiraling out of control and it was obvious his addictions were getting worse and worse, with probably no chance of recovery. I don't think he had it in him to go the rehab route one more time.

Drugdown -- I agree about addicts being ill. I never realized how sick my husband was until I found his notebook where he documented his sexual exploits in explicit detail. I think God led me to this notebook, even tho it was painful to read these things, it has helped me heal because I now know how incredibly tormented and ill he really was. We can't cure the addict, just like we can't cure someone who has cancer. I don't know why we keep on beating ourselves up over this fact - we keep thinking we have some power over them, that if we loved them more they'd stop, or if they really loved us, they'd stop. But it has nothing to do with loving us....their reasons for using have nothing to do with us and what we do or don't do. That was the hardest thing for me to accept. But I am close to peace now because I really believe the 3-C's: I wasn't the cause of his addictions, I couldn't control his addictions and I couldn't cure his addictions. Finally understanding that has given me great relief and a new outlook on life. I pray you will get to this point as well --- it is hard to detach and give the addict over to God, but what other choice do we have. We can continue to drive ourselves crazy with worry, fear, guilt, anxiety, etc. over the addict, or we can learn to take care of ourselves and let the chips fall where they may. Who knows -- maybe by changing the way you react to the addict, it will change the way he acts.

Best of luck to you and stay strong.

drugdown

Thank you KeeptheFaith,

I want to change on how I react. I thought I did. And it's been ok for a while. Not great, but ok. Then the signs of using, the doubts, the realizations and no matter how much he denies it...the undeniable proof that he's using and not just a little. I slipped right back to a place I was about 11 years ago.

I was devastated, depressed and totally anxious. I went straight to my computer and came here.

This site is a life line. You're all a life line.

I'm struggling not to beat myself up for my reaction.....I've got alot of guilt and know I was very ugly verbally.

Thank you and hugs,
dd

keepthefaith

DD - It takes 2 to change things and it sounds like you've been doing the work but he hasn't. It is so easy to slip back into craziness living with an active addict creates, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. That's how we all feel living with an active addict.

I didn't speak to my husband for one week before I found out he died - why? Because I knew he was using, he kept denying it and I finally had enough of his crap, so I wouldn't take his calls or answer his text msgs. If he would have admitted he relapsed and asked for help, I would have been by his side in a second, but the constant denials frustrated me so much that I was ready to make some changes in how I dealt with him and not talk to him at all. I decided I couldn't have any contact with him because he'd start pushing my buttons, laying all the blame on me and I'd end up feeling guilty for accusing him - he was a master manipulator and he knew just what to do to get inside my head.

Then I found out he died alone in a hotel room -- at first I felt so incredibly guilty for not taking his calls, thinking I was somehow to blame for his O.D.ing. I talked with his addiction counselor, who said he told her he relapsed weeks before and went absolutely out of control and that he's been using since, all my guilt evaporated because I was right about his using - he was using. Also I realized then there was nothing I could have done to stop him. Even if I would have taken his calls and "been nice", I know he still would have used in Detroit and ended up O.D.'d. I'm sure of it.

In that week I refused to talk to him, I felt empowered for the first time in a long time. I was calling the shots for me now and I knew I didn't want to cross paths with the addict in my life. I yearned for serenity and peace and I got that when I didn't see him or talk to him. Sure, I worried about him because he was on the run using, but I concentrated more on taking care of myself and my daughter, and slowly worrying about him drifted out of my mind. I felt I really did finally turn him over to God.

You did nothing wrong by reacting the way you did. For years and years I kept thinking it was all me because I worried he'd use, I had the anxiety you talked about, found it hard to make plans in advance because living with an addict is unreliable, and felt that I was too codependent, and if I could detach better than he'd be better. I even felt at times that I was the problem! But then one day a light bulb went off and I realized I wasn't the problem - I wasn't the reason he kept using - I ( and our daughter) were the only good and decent things he had in his life but he didn't want only good an decent. Your reactions are normal living with a drug addict who is using and denies it.

I read in my husband's notebook that one of his fears was that I'd find out who he really is by going to Alanon meetings - I think that means he was worried I'd get some confidence and realize I wasn't the cause of his using and I'd leave him. As long as he could convince me that I was to blame, that no one else would love me like he could, that divorce would devastate our daughter, that I couldn't survive financially without him - as long as I would buy any of that, things wouldn't change and I'd still be there and he'd still be flinging his crap my way. He didn't want me to start getting healthy cause that might mean I'd want a healthy partner, and that wasn't him. The addicts know they're messed up and they like to convince us we are too so we won't leave them in search of someone who is healthy, reliable, honest and sober. Remember, we're the "normal" ones who happen to love people with addictions that can make our lives unmanageable. Be Strong - you're OK!

lesa

he spent 280 in a week on his drug...do you know he does spend a dime on me or chase me like he does it...told him tonight when i got my money next mo...Iam moving out....and I will be seeing other people..cause i can not do this any more...eating at 3.30am cause of the stress ,don't sleep afraid to...pray for me that I stick to what i said to him...I want a man to chase me,lol,....I watch these shows or see people when Iam out having so much fun and so in live ...that Iam so jealous of them ..I go and cry and ask God why not me..15 mos ..to do this again ..with that I know he never going to stop....I can live like this or I just dont know....the promises he makes to get more from me...I give so much not sure i have anything else to give money r emotionality....I do n ot belive anything he says....he just using me as the post says ...what addicts do...Iam sorry to go on and on...I what to use you luck and praying everyone ...meant to make new thread not sure what happen ,,so it is here

drugdown

(((Keepthefaith)))

Your support and kind words are humbling. I cry reading your story. I am going to forgive myself for losing it. I tried so hard for so long it's all I kcan do right now.

He spent 30 minutes this morning going crazy looking for something he can't find. I suspect it's a bag of dope. He looked crazy. Dope is all that matters to him right now. And there is not a damn thing I can do about that. He couldn't find what he was looking for so he left, no good bye, no have a nice day...no see you later.

There is nothing left for me but to work on me. I cannot continue to make myself sick with worry. Depressed and lonely. I have to make some moves for myself. I don't want to be as sick as he is. I want to live life, not hate it.

(((Lesa)))....I also feel like just once I would love to be cared for, rather than doing and giving all the care. Addicts just don't have that much to give. I also pray you stick to your word and know you are worth much more than what you're getting. We all are.

I'm sorry for your pain Lesa.

Hugs and prayers...
dd

bigsister1982

Same thing happened to me this weekend except with a family member. He's searching the room for - I don't even know what, because supposedly he's clean, however I don't believe it for one second. My stomach just kept sinking more and more.

Since I went to counseling, I came clean with some people (with an edited description - some things are too painful to bring up again). I probably cried for the first two days that I read this site, but it felt cleansing. Coming clean about a problem that isn't mine, but makes me feel ashamed anyway, made me feel so much better. I hope that it helps you, even a little, too.

Since you didn't hear it from your AH, I hope you can find some little things in your day to make it nice, and here's a hug (((((drugdown)))))