After Rehab - who decides the future?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
After Rehab - who decides the future?
I posted a couple of days ago about my BF's daughter maybe coming to live with us after rehab. It is still months away, and as I really know very little about the process, I am wondering how it is decided where the person goes.
She is just 18, and her parents are divorced and not amicable.
Anyone know how this would be approached? Her dad wants her and so does her mom, but that place is far from us and the household is chaotic at best. She has said she wants to get away, go out west maybe, and start over but I can't see how leaving all the family and striking out alone would work. That is how she got as deep into the drugs as she did.
Being 18, I'm thinking that nobody can stop her, if that is what she decides to do.
I'm want to be supportive, but don't know enough about all of this.
I think the earlier suggestion about a group home would be best, but again don't know anything about those either.
Feeling very much at loose ends. She's not my kid, I really have no say, but it is affecting my life and could affect my kids in a huge way.
She is just 18, and her parents are divorced and not amicable.
Anyone know how this would be approached? Her dad wants her and so does her mom, but that place is far from us and the household is chaotic at best. She has said she wants to get away, go out west maybe, and start over but I can't see how leaving all the family and striking out alone would work. That is how she got as deep into the drugs as she did.
Being 18, I'm thinking that nobody can stop her, if that is what she decides to do.
I'm want to be supportive, but don't know enough about all of this.
I think the earlier suggestion about a group home would be best, but again don't know anything about those either.
Feeling very much at loose ends. She's not my kid, I really have no say, but it is affecting my life and could affect my kids in a huge way.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Abc)))
I do think that she is considered as an adult, so would have the ultimate say in where she goes.
Since she still has months to think about this, I think she will change her mind a few times. Most people (especially kids), when they go into rehab, don't even want to think about a halfway or sober house. After they've been there a while, though, some seem a lot more open to the idea.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I do think that she is considered as an adult, so would have the ultimate say in where she goes.
Since she still has months to think about this, I think she will change her mind a few times. Most people (especially kids), when they go into rehab, don't even want to think about a halfway or sober house. After they've been there a while, though, some seem a lot more open to the idea.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Staying in the present and focusing on the things that I can affect right now always helps me when faced with worry about the future and the unknown. I don't know about your life, but in mine, I find that if I wait 5 minutes, everything changes.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
She decides her future and you decide yours. Along with her counselors, you can give suggestions to her. If your home is one of them, you need to set boundaries for it, not her. For instance, if you require adults in your home to be working, going to school, no drugs, curfews, etc., that is what you tell her.
Once you set boundaries and are willing to enforce them, the rest will all fall into place for you.
Once you set boundaries and are willing to enforce them, the rest will all fall into place for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Chino 
She decides her future and you decide yours. Along with her counselors, you can give suggestions to her. If your home is one of them, you need to set boundaries for it, not her. For instance, if you require adults in your home to be working, going to school, no drugs, curfews, etc., that is what you tell her.
Once you set boundaries and are willing to enforce them, the rest will all fall into place for you.
Once you set boundaries and are willing to enforce them, the rest will all fall into place for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Probably the best thing is that she gets far away from the enviornment and people she knew.
This makes it more challenging to fall back into an old famial pattern. In the end, it's up to her and what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
This makes it more challenging to fall back into an old famial pattern. In the end, it's up to her and what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Both my kids went to rehab. Daughter went several times as a youth - but every time she came home, she relapsed.
So they both found some answers by checking out Oxford Houses. These are clean and sober houses where the residents share the rent, and it is often FAR more reasonable than they could do on their own. They have house rules and house chores - and for recovering addicts, learning to take some responsibilities for THEIR own well-being is a big, big step.
I would urge her to check them out - they are in every state, I think.
I wish you the best of luck.
So they both found some answers by checking out Oxford Houses. These are clean and sober houses where the residents share the rent, and it is often FAR more reasonable than they could do on their own. They have house rules and house chores - and for recovering addicts, learning to take some responsibilities for THEIR own well-being is a big, big step.
I would urge her to check them out - they are in every state, I think.
I wish you the best of luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
Thanks for your responses.
I tried to suggest a group home setting to her dad yesterday and he flipped on me!
He wants her home and with him to take care of her and make sure she finishes school etc.
When I gave my reasons for the group home he went off about not having the money to pay for something like that after what this rehab is costing him.
He has no idea, and neither do I, what is available around here for her, so it is something I am going to look in to. He just figures it costs a ton of money, which he doesn't have.
Bottom line is, you are all right, she is 18 and she has to decided where she is going to go and if she is going to make this work.
I tried to suggest a group home setting to her dad yesterday and he flipped on me!
He wants her home and with him to take care of her and make sure she finishes school etc.
When I gave my reasons for the group home he went off about not having the money to pay for something like that after what this rehab is costing him.
He has no idea, and neither do I, what is available around here for her, so it is something I am going to look in to. He just figures it costs a ton of money, which he doesn't have.
Bottom line is, you are all right, she is 18 and she has to decided where she is going to go and if she is going to make this work.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
The first time my daughter went to rehab she was 19 and in the middle of a semester in college. The rehab suggested 30 days and then a halfway house. Her dad and I thought that she was cured and wanted her to go back and finish college. Needless to say she relapsed and is now 22 and willing to try again to put her life back in order. This time she realizes that a longer stay in rehab and a halfway house is what she needs. Still tough to follow through though when they are so young and think they know everything. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
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Abc, We were very fortunate as far as finaces went. We are just your average family. No money tree in our back yard. So as far as my daughter getting aid wasn't an option. The in paitent rehab set me up with payments, that I could afford. (Both times) Then the halfway house is done on a sliding scale. Unfortunatly We didn't get much of a $$ break there eaither. But again, they helped me make managable payments. Alot of the places are wonderful trying to work with families. The first suggestion the halway house made was to have my daughter go on welfare, then everything would have been free. But she had a new car in her name & wasn't willing to loose it. You are only aloud a car worth sometimg like $2500 I think. On our journey (couple years) We ran accross some awesome people willing to help get my daughter where she needed to be. I hope you guys are just as lucky.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Halfway houses can be many different things. BigSis mentioned Oxford House. They usually are extremely reasonable since it is cost sharing for a house. I know the ones around here require the recovering addict to get a job and contribute within a couple of weeks of arriving - it's a part of recovery. So other than the initial payment, the rest is what the person can afford. I think this really helps in recovery since the addict is learning to be responsibile for herself and reaps the benefits (including increased self esteem, usually a big factor) of taking care of herself.
I understand what your BF is feeling; i think most parents still think they can control the recovery, just like the addiction, at first. Any chance that he would join you at a Naranon or Alanon meeting? It might help.
I understand what your BF is feeling; i think most parents still think they can control the recovery, just like the addiction, at first. Any chance that he would join you at a Naranon or Alanon meeting? It might help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
I just looked at the Naranon site and there is a weekly meeting in our town.
I might go, but I don't know if I could get him there, he is so very, very private and never one to ask for help of any kind.
He hasn't told a soul about any of this. When someone asks him about her, he tells them that she is fine, end of story.
I'm thankful for all of your responses.....the things I have read on here have helped but also scared me too, maybe a good thing as I am obviously very naive on this entire subject.
I might go, but I don't know if I could get him there, he is so very, very private and never one to ask for help of any kind.
He hasn't told a soul about any of this. When someone asks him about her, he tells them that she is fine, end of story.
I'm thankful for all of your responses.....the things I have read on here have helped but also scared me too, maybe a good thing as I am obviously very naive on this entire subject.
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