Struggling!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I hear you. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Read the thead "wonderful man with a horrible problem". It is long but it is really excellent. There was someone that posted on how she managed to do it - she said that reading everyone's posts in that thread are what really helped her. You know that it is going to end in the same place if you go there again. Of course, I am the absolute last person that could ever talk to you about that. I've gone back and back and back and back some more. It really is hard - especially in these first few days.
I am thinking about you. I am going out of town tomorrow for the night but will be back on Wednesday. You are in my thoughts.
Love to you - Donna
I am thinking about you. I am going out of town tomorrow for the night but will be back on Wednesday. You are in my thoughts.
Love to you - Donna
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
NE -
Have you thought about what you miss about him? What feelings you have now that he's gone? Is it guilt, frustration, lack of control ect? I'm really curious to know if you truely miss "him" or if it's just the "cycle" that you miss. I am asking as a benefit to myself as well. I've thought about what I'll miss - there will be things that I'll miss for sure. I think the predominant feeling I'll have is just sadness. Sadness for HIM and what he's throwing away. He doesn't see it as throwing it away, he sees it as never being able to measure up. I know that it will be very hard for me, but how much harder can it be than living with the daily cycle, the daily ups and downs. I almost feel like I'd rather take a hard punch in the gut and move on than mini punches every day for the rest of my life. Does that make sense at all?
I don't mean to hijack your thread, I'm just wondering if you've actually dissected what you miss. I know you're trying to keep busy, which is good, but maybe if you took the time and made a list of +/- of the situation it may put things into perspective for you.
Have you thought about what you miss about him? What feelings you have now that he's gone? Is it guilt, frustration, lack of control ect? I'm really curious to know if you truely miss "him" or if it's just the "cycle" that you miss. I am asking as a benefit to myself as well. I've thought about what I'll miss - there will be things that I'll miss for sure. I think the predominant feeling I'll have is just sadness. Sadness for HIM and what he's throwing away. He doesn't see it as throwing it away, he sees it as never being able to measure up. I know that it will be very hard for me, but how much harder can it be than living with the daily cycle, the daily ups and downs. I almost feel like I'd rather take a hard punch in the gut and move on than mini punches every day for the rest of my life. Does that make sense at all?
I don't mean to hijack your thread, I'm just wondering if you've actually dissected what you miss. I know you're trying to keep busy, which is good, but maybe if you took the time and made a list of +/- of the situation it may put things into perspective for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Callie -
I think making the +/- list would benefit altho I know the - will outweigh the + ... I think what I'm missing is the routine, as crazy as it was ... It was all I've known for 13 years.. I miss seeing his face since I've been looking at that face of 13 years ... In the past few months there has bee no affection or intimacy so that was gone before he was actually gone ... We weren't even sleeping in the same bed ... I do think I feel some guilt from knowing that he is living like an animal right now and I could make it better for him by allowing him to stay ... I'm frustrated at the fact that he chose drugs over our marriage and better things ... Control??? Never had it ... he controlled every aspect of our relationship .. After years of empty threats, I became a joke when I spoke or threatened or anything of that nature ... Now that he is gone I do feel freer in that I can have my own opinion, do things when I want and not have to walk around on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop with him ... I am so confused of the feelings I am having ... I cry, I yell (to myself) and at times I laugh ... Moments I feel so strong and others I want to crawl into a corner, phones, tv off, and cry, cry, cry ... It's a horrible emotional rollercoaster .. but as you said "I almost feel like I'd rather take a hard punch in the gut and move on than mini punches every day for the rest of my life". I'm not finding it easy, but I do believe it is easier than they cycle of living with an addict on a daily basis. At least there will be a light at the end of this tunnel .. I know that!!!!!!!!!!! Staying with him always was so dark, not even a glimmer of light.
Feel free to hijack this thread because the more questions people ask the more AWESOME responses we all will get.
Prayers to you,
Love and hugs....
I think making the +/- list would benefit altho I know the - will outweigh the + ... I think what I'm missing is the routine, as crazy as it was ... It was all I've known for 13 years.. I miss seeing his face since I've been looking at that face of 13 years ... In the past few months there has bee no affection or intimacy so that was gone before he was actually gone ... We weren't even sleeping in the same bed ... I do think I feel some guilt from knowing that he is living like an animal right now and I could make it better for him by allowing him to stay ... I'm frustrated at the fact that he chose drugs over our marriage and better things ... Control??? Never had it ... he controlled every aspect of our relationship .. After years of empty threats, I became a joke when I spoke or threatened or anything of that nature ... Now that he is gone I do feel freer in that I can have my own opinion, do things when I want and not have to walk around on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop with him ... I am so confused of the feelings I am having ... I cry, I yell (to myself) and at times I laugh ... Moments I feel so strong and others I want to crawl into a corner, phones, tv off, and cry, cry, cry ... It's a horrible emotional rollercoaster .. but as you said "I almost feel like I'd rather take a hard punch in the gut and move on than mini punches every day for the rest of my life". I'm not finding it easy, but I do believe it is easier than they cycle of living with an addict on a daily basis. At least there will be a light at the end of this tunnel .. I know that!!!!!!!!!!! Staying with him always was so dark, not even a glimmer of light.
Feel free to hijack this thread because the more questions people ask the more AWESOME responses we all will get.
Prayers to you,
Love and hugs....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
You're right never, the routine is missed. At least I did too. Between him and the dog - from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed, making sure one (usually both) had food, felt OK, went for their last potty, etc.
I was ready tho when I called it a day - but as I've told before, for some reason when I found out about the addiction it set me back several paces. Still not exactly sure why, but it did. My family, friends, town and here at SR - (my Village I call them collectively) was great tho. Helped to keep me busy and focused on my right to be happy and healthy.
There is a glimmer of light! I see it shining brighter today than when I started. I agree with you too, that the idea of staying with my AH was always dark.
Here's to finding some new shades for all of us! This thread has really helped a lot - thanks!
I was ready tho when I called it a day - but as I've told before, for some reason when I found out about the addiction it set me back several paces. Still not exactly sure why, but it did. My family, friends, town and here at SR - (my Village I call them collectively) was great tho. Helped to keep me busy and focused on my right to be happy and healthy.
There is a glimmer of light! I see it shining brighter today than when I started. I agree with you too, that the idea of staying with my AH was always dark.
Here's to finding some new shades for all of us! This thread has really helped a lot - thanks!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Its going to take time, lots of time. Be patient & gentle with yourself. I remember feeling as you do even about my friends & my family. Just be careful not to isolate yourself, it causes depression. Force yourself if you have to. I had to take care of my children & go to school so it kept me going. I also sought professional help. On Hans Selye's Stress Chart the loss of a spouse is one of lifes major stressors, right up there with death of a spouse or a child, illness, and moving. For 13 yrs being married to this man is all you've known. It takes time to build a new life. Take life one day at a time & you'll make it.
Love,
Diane
Love,
Diane
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello NeverEnds
I'm so sorry you are feeling all this pain, but think of it as a natural grieving process. Give yourself time to adjust. It sounds like you are going through a period of adjustment which is causing you stress.
Just remember, this, too, shall pass. Time heals.
Sometimes we think we don't want to be with our friends and families because we wouldn't be good company; however, you'd be surprise what a great distraction times out with friends can be.
Try to look forward and not backwards. Whenever you feel yourself going into that "funk" think or do something to distract yourself.
Shoot, let's all just be like Scarlett O'hara in Gone with The Wind, and do what she did. If you can't handle it at the moment, just put it away until tomorrow! Worked for her!
13 years is a long time to be with someone; however, would you want to spend the next 13 years the same way???
Time for change! You've made a step in the right direction now just keep moving forward one step at a time!
Prayers & Hugs coming your way
Devastated
Just remember, this, too, shall pass. Time heals.
Sometimes we think we don't want to be with our friends and families because we wouldn't be good company; however, you'd be surprise what a great distraction times out with friends can be.
Try to look forward and not backwards. Whenever you feel yourself going into that "funk" think or do something to distract yourself.
Shoot, let's all just be like Scarlett O'hara in Gone with The Wind, and do what she did. If you can't handle it at the moment, just put it away until tomorrow! Worked for her!
13 years is a long time to be with someone; however, would you want to spend the next 13 years the same way???
Time for change! You've made a step in the right direction now just keep moving forward one step at a time!
Prayers & Hugs coming your way
Devastated
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