could you stay married to a felon?
 

My husband was charged yesterday with a felony for stealing pills from work. I just found out 6 weeks ago he had a problem and now this. I feel like I can accept and be supportive of the addiction but the fact that he is now a felon just kills me. I never in a million years thought I would be married to a felon. Our future is in jeapordy now. I am ashamed to be married to a felon. I am ashamed that I had 2 children with someone that could do such a thing. I know they say it was the drug that made him do it but I just have a hard time understanding that.
Anyone hear been in a similar situation??

Remove the legal lable. Only difference between someone labled a felon and the next guy... One was caught, one wasn't.

Can you live with his actions of today?..aside from the lable.
When we set boundaries, we do so because of actions or inactions of others to keep our space at peace.
I could live with anyone who is in recovery and has gained back my trust. I know some wonderful people who have been behind bars.
Let his actions be your guide, not lables.

Best is right. Plus, whose going to know if you don't tell them.

Best is right. Because of a snafu on my legal papers, I am a legal felon! My charges were supposed to be "first offender", which is not a felony, but it will be straightened out eventually.

I've met many people who you would never know they were felons.

Try to get past the label and think of whether you want to live with him with the main issue...his addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I dont think any of us willingly said we wanted to be part of any of what we have to go through, however here is another way to look at it....

If he had never been caught and you didnt know would you feel like you used to, was that feeling the one that you love and care for the person....Labels are labels, behavior and actions are what dictate a person and how you feel about them not how they are "percieved" by other people because at the end of the day YOU are the one that has to make that decision.

Just keep strong and look at it from as unobjectionable point of view as you can...

I'm chiming in on the same "boat" as above.

It is YOUR life, YOUR marriage, YOUR future. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you SHOULD do. They won't live with the consequences of your choice, you will - be they good or bad.

You only just found out about the addiction and now this on top of it. It's an aweful lot to take on all at once. Give yourself some time to process and learn. No decision has to be made today.

Hugs and prayers to you!

I was mortified when my husband was also caught. His mug shot was on the local news even. It has taken me a while to get over it and some days I still struggle if someone asks me about it. But you know what, now I am so grateful it happened.
I had now idea he had an addiction problem until he called me before detectives took him to jail. Wow...that was a super fun night.
But if he hadn't been caught, he wouldn't have gotten help and he wouldn't be in recovery right now. I think he would have killed himself with his addiction eventually.
He had to hit his "bottom" to truly realize he was addicted.

No one expects to be in this situation, but try to focus on the the good in each day instead of the past. What is done is done. hahaha....this may sound funny considering my post last week about resentment, but I am trying to be positive!
Good luck...and just remember you are strong!

get caught stealing pills? yea its embarressing, but is nothing compared to what some have been charged with, i wouldnt be too worried over it

How about this you come home one day to your home and everything in it has been sold, the door knobs are gone, light fixtures all the way down to the stove-top and sink faucets ;)

Not downplaying it just showing you the magnitude of what this disease can do

My kids father and I had been married 3 years. We bought and sold 3 houses during that time, and had finally moved up to a brand new beautiful home.

He was an alcoholic. He was extremely abusive physically and mentally.
Let me shorten this.
One day a coworker of his came to my house. He said the cops had come by and arrested him and could I go to the jail to bail him out.
I go.
I ask what he's charged with.
Rape.
Huh?
RAPE!

I remember that moment. The lady police officer looked at me with total disgust in her face.

This poor woman was beaten to a pulp and lost hearing in one ear! We spent every single penny we had to get him the best of the best lawyer in the state.
He got off on probation. He was the best person on earth after that. At least for one year. He got drunk one year later, and nearly killed me.
I left him and never looked back.

Fast forward a couple of years.
He moved away. He lives with his mom and sister.
He breaks into a mobile home and beats the mother half to death, then rapes her 17 yr old daughter.

All I can say is how very thankful I got away from him when I did. I could be dead by now.
He is now serving a life sentence. He's been in prison for 25 years.

I am completely ashamed of him and all the history that comes with him. So, I can certainly understand why you're feeling the way you are.

"felon" is just a term. But, there are varying degrees of this term. If you are convicted of tagging a mailbox with spray paint that's a felony.

Is it the term that concerns you? If so, why? Appearances? Or just the stigma attached to it? Is the term worse than what he's actually done?

Maybe it's just finally starting to really hit you? To sink in? I was kind of walking around in a daze for a while after I learned my RAH was using. Then a few months after, even though he stopped using, things started really going downhill. I sat there and thought, "I'm married to an addict. My daughter's father is an addict. This is the man I chose to be with, to live with. This is what I ended up with." It can be a lot.

The thing is, he's still the man I fell in love with. That man still exists. That man just did some really messed up stuff and fell hard. But, he picked himself back up again.

Part of it is the label. I also wonder is he the person that I thought he was. Do we really have such different morals and values or did the drugs just take over. I am stil trying to figure things out. This all just happened so quickly and I have had such little time to process everything. Part of me just wants to run away from it all.

The feelings are fully understood.

Take things one day at a time. Think with your mind and let the emotions settle.

As you process things out with calmer thoughts, you will make better choices for yourself. Let it settle before you make the choices.

I love your screen name. It "screams" at me with bewilderment, and I can see that in you right now. I would also feel completely blown away in your shoes. I see a lot of people here say that sometimes doing nothing is actually taking an action. I think you have a right to just sit with this a bit, making no extreme decisions one way or another, and to continue processing how YOU feel. Your husband did a bunch of stuff on his own without your knowledge and certainly without your approval. YOU now have the right to consider what is best for YOU, and how you want to live YOUR life. Keep reading here, keep asking the questions you need to ask, keep processing all the information, and keep feeling your feelings. And trust your "gut" when you do decide what you want to do. It's a real guiding light when we "listen" to it.

I'm glad you found SR. I love it here and it's helped me so much to get my focus where it is most helpful--on ME.

You Know It Shocked Me To Read Your Post, Why Are You So Closed Minded To The Man You Married.....vows Do Say For Better Or Worse, What If It Had Been You Who Had Been Caught??? How Would You Of Liked This Reaction From Him??? I Guess Just Do The Counceling Thing.......it Works....hugfs And Prayers


Pamm

This,

Geesh, I totally understand where you are coming from. I asked myself that same question. I think MANY people here did and probably still do.

Just take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

:ghug2

For me it's about choices, consequences, actions. I know people who were felons and appear to be on a great road to recovery now, making their daily amends and living a good life. They are wonderful people to be around.

I know others who pretend to be living a good and honest life who are cheating and stealing and much worse, but haven't been caught yet. I find them to be toxic.

None of that is about me.... but I can choose whom I wish to spend time with. I choose the ones in recovery, the ones who are honest in the words and actions.

And, my house has been the one on the news. It's not fun when it's YOUR front porch they show for their "1st on the Scene" self promos during sweeps week. Fortunately, it passes, the whispers die down and someone else's drama makes the front page and the 5, 6 and 10 pm lead story.

Hugs,
Cats

I didn't respond to these before but I thought I would like to now. Everyone took what I was asking was about the label felon. What I was trying to say is what it actually means to be a felon. He took a buyout from his job to switch careers and then all of this happened and he is still going to school and his buyout money ends in 6 months and we now have no idea what our future will be like. He was the main source of income. As a convicted felon he may not be able to find employment to support our family.