mikeb

Well while ive tried to read this board for awhile I havent posted, but Ive reached my point and im trying to just talk through this situation....

Background is that AW has been on opiates of some sort most of her life, when she was younger (17) she went away for 2 years to a rehab facility came back from there and we where married. Have two kids and during our 8 yr marriage she has relapsed twice, the last one being so bad she actually started to divorce me and spent 7 months apart while she used and fought me for the kids. At the time i suspected she was using but did not know for sure and where in a constant battle outside of court for the kids.

Fast forward a bit she finally gave the kids over to me and went into rehab, basically because an intervention of her family finally stepping in. Her father has enabled her by giving her an unlimited supply of money of which he has finally stepped out of this time. At the time she went into rehab she was taking 30 hydros a day. During our marriage she never worked, actually she has never worked and has been supported by either me or her dad. While she was seperated from me she gutted our marital house down to the door knobs and had stolen and or sold alot of stuff that I did not find out till later.

She has been out of rehab for several months now, we got back together and called the divorce off and are living together again. She started out by going to group, going to meetings, in personal therapy and marriage counsling. She had started school and was working a part time job. She is currently on suboxin, and as far as I know has been taking it outside of a period of when i was out of town.

So today, something clicked with me she has quit her job and is no longer going to school she has been over the past week or two starting to lose alot of weight again, sleeping in, dialated pupils (which are the opposite of opiates i know, but attribute that to possibly witthdrawls) and both our counslor and me are concerned. She is still going to meetings but only a couple times a week and has not been doing her step-work shes not even on step 1 technically speaking.

I feel in my gut that she possibly while i was out of town she probably binged out, and or possibly she has not been taking her suboxin and just taking hydros instead. Especially recently she has been getting that "burst" of energy happyness and then crashing out/dazing off. I did see her take her suboxin last night however.

I guess my question is this, while I am a VERY codi person Ive been working for a very long time even while we where seperated to get over this. Up untill yesterday Ive not had that feeling, that gut wrenching anxiety, that need to know that she is clean even if she says she is.

Is there anything I CAN do outside of just keeping working on myself, I just am almost in a state of panic again because while I fully expcect at some point to go throught his again I know she is going through the motions does not want to be sober, she will even admit it and always talks about how she just wants to drink that shes not an Alcoholic and how she wants to move away and do this and that....

Sorry for the long post, i just am having a really hard day today

hello-kitty

This is no easy task Mike! To recover from your unhealthy addiction to her and her addiction, it will take much work. But one you get yourself in order, other things will fall into place and you will have a clearer idea of what else you can do.

We must help ourselves or we can help no one else.

BayAreaPhoenix

Sorry you're having such a hard day.

You know by now, all you can do is work on YOU!

As HK said above, it is not easy! Keep working at it, a baby step at a time. I didn't understand at the time, but once I got far enough along, I really did start to "clear up" in my own mind. I didn't think I was all that fuddled, but looking back - yikes!

You can do it - first thing's first - take a deep breath!

Bernadette

(((mike)))
hmmmm....outside of working on yourself but not getting caught up in her problems/shenanigans/addiction...there is lots you can do! Maybe it is just distraction at first but make a plan and stick to it! You have children right? As soon as you get home from work take them outside and do something with them- play ball, pick up twigs, have a race, go for a walk - whatever!! If it's raining play a board game or try and draw portraits of each other (kids of any age love to do this) or a big indoor game of hide and seek, try baking bread, it may come out like cardboard but it's such a healthy good activity...I don't know - just put all that "need to do" behavior/anxiety into something active and positive, just for today. The bigger picture - well you know what that is: you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. First step, once again!:codiepolice
Peace,
B.

jerect

First off, a big welcome to you and I hope you continue to post here and find the comfort and serentity that you are seeking.

I'm sorry things are rough for you today..

Here lately when things get codie for me, (which is just about everyday) I remember the serenity prayer..Grant me the courage to accept the things that I cannot change..which is my AH's addiction, relapses and recovery, the courage to change the things I can which is ME and my reaction to my AH's addiction, and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes I don't know the difference but I fake like I do.

I use to here this prayer and think Oh' those are nice words but now I live that prayer, minute by minnute, hour by hour and day by day. I really has helped me from going insaine. Because if we let it, we will let our addicted spouses drive us mad.

At this point all you can do is work on you. Your AW has to want to get sober and has to want to stay in recovery. I have tried many many tactics in getting my AH into recovery and preventing a relaps but all it does is make me insaine.

I hope things get better for you, keep reading and posting, we are all here for you.

mikeb

Thank you all for your words, I do my best everyday and some days I fall back into my codie behavior others I just buck up and do what I can....I still have an enormously hard time of where to draw the line, especially when it comes to supporting my AW without enabling her....

bsfish

Hi Mike and welcome. Glad you found this. I have been here for a month or so and just reading all the experience and wisdom has been a great help. Just venting to someone who understands and reading is a big release for me.

Sorry to hear your story, It hits close to home. My AW started at 15 and has tried everything. First rehab was 16, then again at 21. We got married 5 yrs ago and I was pretty naive to addiction then. She had a history but seemed OK then. She wasn't. we had two kids, and things got worse. She was unable to deal with anything and spiraled down. After wrecking the car with the kids in it, things finally clicked with me. She is in rehab again, by her choice this time and she is wanting a new life. SO it seems to be going well. She comes home next week after six months. Any way, I keep rambling about me when I get on here, but I just wanted to know I understand where you are.

The bottom line is she isn't going to change until she really wants it, for her, not you or the kids or the family. I think everyone is different on how (if) they get there. I hope she does for your sake and the kids. I was being a single dad with her in the house. I finally figured it would be a lot easier to be a single dad for two kids, than for two kids and an addict. So I decided one way or the other, I was going with the kids. Between the realization of that, the car wreck, an intervention, and her seeing that this was a chance to end her hell and give her a chance to get better, she chose rehab.
In there they realized she had a lot of trauma in her past (abuse). They recommended a great trauma/rehab facility that got to the root of it all, and I think it's going to work, she sounds great.

You mentioned wieght loss. That was a big reason my AW started using in the first place, self image issues related to the abuse and her upbringing. They also really worked on that where she is.

I understand that gut wrenching feeling. Especially after getting her to rehab, getting back together and all, then to have it go sour again. I have been worried a lot about the same thing happening here. I just spent a week at her facility and did a lot of work on that with her councelors (work for me) and it helped a lot, plus we have been able to really talk for the first time in years, so I feel a little better about it all now. I had gotten to where I was dreading her coming home. The boys and I are having a pretty peacefull life lately.

You know her behavior, probably better than she does. You have to trust your gut. Try to let that be enough. I tore myself up trying to find out exsactly what, when, where, how much. It got me nothing but closer to insanity. If your gut says she's using, she probably is. Just take care of you and the kids the best you can.

I'm learning that just taking care of self, owning my stuff and dealing with that, is all I can do, and it helps a lot. It sounds like you are probably further ahead in that than I am, so not much I can share there.

Hang in there. Lots of people take several or many rehab sessions before something clicks, and they really want it. Hopefully she'll get there.

Chris

Jody Hepler

When I "got better", through Naranon and Alanon meetings, life got better - and "they" eventually got better too. I learned that I was either part of the problem or part of the solution. And the people in Alanon helped me to be part of the solution. So much of what I thought was loving behavior - was really enabling.

At least I wasn't adding to the chaos by trying to figure them out and was more able to give stability to our homelife - I like the suggestions about spending time with the children - doing anything with them will be comforting for them. And it fills up time.

When the addicts in my life weren't the center of attention, they used to say things like "you don't care about me anymore" when what they really meant was they weren't the focus of everything in the home - we learned to go on with our lives.

Any addict wants to get better when we take away all the pillows.

So glad you came to this Board. Love and hugs and experience are available.

Love in recovery,
Jody

ZombieWife

All I can suggest is to keep your finances safe, your valuables safe and make sure she doesn't have access to joint bank accounts, etc.

I know what it's like--that NEED to know. The thing is, over time, my intuition has pretty much been shot. I never know if I'm being paranoid or if it really is a true gut-feeling. The thing is, you have to decide what you will do if she's using again. What will be your plan.

My only suggestion is to outright ask her, not in a mean way or a finger-pointing way, but to simply say, "I'm struggling with this right now. There are signs that are leading me to believe you are using again. I need to know what's going on. If you need help, tell me. If I find out you are using and you tell me now that you aren't, then here's what's going to happen: (your list of what you will do.)"

Again, you need to figure out for yourself what your boundaries are, what you will and will not tolerate and what is acceptable behavior. Research all your options, then it's up to you how to respond and what to say and what to do.

I think the part about this post that I most empathize with is the panic. The need to DO SOMETHING. For me, it was running away, leaving, getting out. I just felt powerless and doing SOMETHING made that a little better--though it was only a band-aid.

Please keep us updated! And lots of love.

:praying

mikeb

This is exactly what I did, not in an agressive or mean way just simply put "I said AW based on whats happened in the past few weeks and your behavior and looks I think you are using again." She responded with im not, i wouldnt risk that, you can drug test me if you want but ive been perfect.

Now in a trusting environment I would take that and go thank you, the problem is as most of you know addicts and mine especially is the BEST sociopath ive ever met, so good in fact she fooled her drug and alcohol counslor for 2 yrs into thinking she wasnt using the last time and that she wasnt actually an addict.

While im being eaten up inside, while I can differentiate paranoia from gut now the fact of the matter is this..as a codie what is my first state of thing to do, Protection, now im in that state looking for ways to make sure nothing is ruined if she "goes out again".

She has no access to money from our families account, she is not on the lease at our house so i did that for reasons of protection of her comming back.

Couple that with for the past week shes been telling me she wants to drink, shes not an alcoholic so she dosent see why she cant, meetings suck and she wants to fire her sponser....all this in this lovely jokingly, laughing way she does that hides and gives her an out to say she was joking...

WHERE IS THE INSANTIY EMOTICON

mikeb

Chris, thank you so much for this post very very similar situations in deed and sadley almost a sign of relief that im not alone in this situation cause while living with an addict I see i never see much on people who have gone though similar situations.

Honestly, while me and her where seperated it was alot better, I was alot happier and I had my ducks in a row...it was the almost debilitating fear of my children not being there, her family not beleiving me at the time and her hiding things so well in fact that no one suspected anything..

She comes from a family that has ALWAYS rescued and supported her financially and legally, she has never faced one day of repercussions on things and has entitlement issues like ive never seen before. So fighting not only with the addict, but with this person that feels they are entitled to receive any and everything they want. I am not trying to bad-mouth her its just reality, and my commitment to my kids and family is one of my weakest spots because I don't want to break them up again and to see my kids go why....

While this isnt rational I understand that she may have relapsed, I understand that she may or may not be using Im just like why after all this would it still be that secret she knows very well if she came to me i would not kick her out, i would not cut her off, i would not do anything except ask well what are we going to do this time different to keep you from relapsing again, wishful thinking huhh...

:praying

ZombieWife

Then take her up on the drug test. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people say, "the addict in my life said NO I am not using, drug test me!" and the person involved always says, "nawww, that's ok."

That's what they're counting on if they ARE using.

If they aren't, then they have to realize that their actions are what put them in a situation to NOT be trusted and to earn that trust back.

splendra

I think if a person feels a need to drug test someone that is a pretty good indication that something is up. We codies do have radar after all... Why not trust your gut and go from there?

I know that addicts know how to rigg a drug test. Only honest people get caught by them. You' may have heard stories about the guy that smoked a joint 3.5 weeks ago is the one who looses their job to a drug test while the junky is sitting in their car and using on their lunch break.

Believe your gut...

mooselips

Mikeb,
Although I'm not in the same situation as you, (my son is my addict) I just want to say, I'm glad you're here.

(And I will file a formal complaint regarding the fact that NO emoticon appears to be insane.)



Hugs, and prayers to you and your family,

splendra

oh gawd something must be done about this!!

mikeb

See this is where I get lost sometimes, cause ok I drug test AW and she comes back positive....what does that really accomplish....she lied, well we all know that most of our addicts are going to lie, its sad that its almost expected I put another boundry in or I put another line of defense in it will just get broken as always....The sad thing in my situation is this, I truly am the type of husband who gets excited when I dont have to cook one night, or dont have to take the kids to school in the morning...those are like the things I look forward to


Its like this im conciously making a choice to stay with someone that is going to lie to me and be nice to me when they want something and toss me to the curb when there done

Why does that just sound so bad ...heheh

I think I am going to take her up on it, not sure what its going to accomplish except drive a wedge between me and her but cant be any worse than the usual

Chino

Are there consequences for violating your boundaries?

drugdown

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your story could be mine. I too sit here wondering why I continue to live like this. My ah also an opiate addict lies, and lies, and lies....and I question my sanity.

We have to stay strong....believe out gut....and know, really know that this will only get worse if they don't get help.

hugs,
dd

mikeb

Thats what I have for a month now been trying to establish in counsling however its simply hard to set any as there is a total lack of any respect or understanding in my AW.

If i was to say hey if you start using again you have to move out, if she did use again and I found out she would just say NO and not budge.

If i cut off finances to her if she was using, she would just ask her parents and borrow money of which is what I do now except for just very basic necessities

See, one of the deepest problems that I face with my AW is not just the addiction its the fact shes NEVER had any boundries her whole life so shes never seen what happens when you cross those.

Chino

If a friend or stranger came into your home and was doing something that caused you anxiety, you might ask them to leave. If they refused you could always call law enforcement and tell them someone is refusing to leave your home and you need help getting them out.

I read that you lease your home and her name is not on the lease. That was smart thinking on your part; you gave yourself a way to deal with it. If you speak with an attorney and your local law enforcement, they can fill you in on the details.

You may not be ready to do something like that, but if and when the time comes, you have options.