My husband died...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
Posts: 74
Faith,
I just wanted to thank you for your posting & for being so honest with your story. I am recently out of a relationship with a boyfriend who has fought his addiction to crack for the past 15 years. There are many days that I miss him and miss our relationship. But reading your story reminds me that I am lucky I got out when I did and how bad things could have gotten had I stayed in that relationship.
My prayers go out you to and your young daughter. Stay strong!
I just wanted to thank you for your posting & for being so honest with your story. I am recently out of a relationship with a boyfriend who has fought his addiction to crack for the past 15 years. There are many days that I miss him and miss our relationship. But reading your story reminds me that I am lucky I got out when I did and how bad things could have gotten had I stayed in that relationship.
My prayers go out you to and your young daughter. Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 28
Thank you to all of you with your wonderful posts full of love and compassion. You have no idea how much it helps me to read your words of encouragement and support.
Most of the people we know knew about my husband's drug problem, but not about his sexual addiction, so I can't really share everything with people "in our circle". One part of me wants to let everyone know what he was doing, all the dirty, sordid details, but then another part of me wants to protect him from full disclosure of what he was doing. I don't think he deserves to let people think he was such a wonderful man, a loving father and husband (as they all said at the memorial service), but I feel sorry for him and do realize how insane he was and tortured he really was, so I've decided not to "spill the beans". Plus, I would hate it if my daughter ever got wind of what her Dad was doing.
IForgot70 - WOW!!! I can't believe the similarities in our stories. It's sick isn't it - the lies and behavior of the addict -- and then on top of it, I believed most of his lies for 18 years...I believed him when he said he liked to smoke crack alone and wasn't at all sexually interested when high. OMG - when I look back on these things I get so angry at myself for letting it go this long.....I pray that living with him for so long hasn't permanently scarred my daughter. Before he died, I came to the realization that I wasn't doing her a favor by keeping the family together (like he constantly preached to me!) but instead I was exposing her to a crazy, chaotic lifestyle caused by his addiction.
Ironically, I met with a divorce attorney the day before I found out he died....I was putting the wheels in motion to get a court order to have him removed from our home. Funny how things work out isn't it?
Most of the people we know knew about my husband's drug problem, but not about his sexual addiction, so I can't really share everything with people "in our circle". One part of me wants to let everyone know what he was doing, all the dirty, sordid details, but then another part of me wants to protect him from full disclosure of what he was doing. I don't think he deserves to let people think he was such a wonderful man, a loving father and husband (as they all said at the memorial service), but I feel sorry for him and do realize how insane he was and tortured he really was, so I've decided not to "spill the beans". Plus, I would hate it if my daughter ever got wind of what her Dad was doing.
IForgot70 - WOW!!! I can't believe the similarities in our stories. It's sick isn't it - the lies and behavior of the addict -- and then on top of it, I believed most of his lies for 18 years...I believed him when he said he liked to smoke crack alone and wasn't at all sexually interested when high. OMG - when I look back on these things I get so angry at myself for letting it go this long.....I pray that living with him for so long hasn't permanently scarred my daughter. Before he died, I came to the realization that I wasn't doing her a favor by keeping the family together (like he constantly preached to me!) but instead I was exposing her to a crazy, chaotic lifestyle caused by his addiction.
Ironically, I met with a divorce attorney the day before I found out he died....I was putting the wheels in motion to get a court order to have him removed from our home. Funny how things work out isn't it?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Keepthefaith,
You and your daughter have been in my thoughts and prayers since you first posted of your husband's death. And now - to hear about finding the journal. I know how badly that hurts because I, too, found my sex addict ex's journal detailing all kinds of things. It hurts to read that stuff but it hurts so much to feel like you didn't even know who you were dealing with...
My current husband (a non using crack addict) has spoken of exactly the same experiences that your husband wrote about....it took so much courage and honesty to post what you did. I hope that it will help at least one person to take the steps that she/he needs to take to protect themselves. I don't think that most people understand how truly bad that addiction is. Sex addiction is the primary addiction of a lot of addicts and why so many of them have a chronic relapse problem. It's all just so tragic and painful.
But - the spirit and resiliency and belief in life that you display is an inspiration. I'm sure that your daughter is a wonderful young lady and she will find her peace with all of this in time. Thank you for sharing with us during this painful time.
love and hugs
You and your daughter have been in my thoughts and prayers since you first posted of your husband's death. And now - to hear about finding the journal. I know how badly that hurts because I, too, found my sex addict ex's journal detailing all kinds of things. It hurts to read that stuff but it hurts so much to feel like you didn't even know who you were dealing with...
My current husband (a non using crack addict) has spoken of exactly the same experiences that your husband wrote about....it took so much courage and honesty to post what you did. I hope that it will help at least one person to take the steps that she/he needs to take to protect themselves. I don't think that most people understand how truly bad that addiction is. Sex addiction is the primary addiction of a lot of addicts and why so many of them have a chronic relapse problem. It's all just so tragic and painful.
But - the spirit and resiliency and belief in life that you display is an inspiration. I'm sure that your daughter is a wonderful young lady and she will find her peace with all of this in time. Thank you for sharing with us during this painful time.
love and hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry for your loss. i honestly believe your husband loved both you & your daughter. he had two sides of him. the addict & the man who you loved & loved you. try to seprate the two of them. he lived in a dark place with the drugs that he fought daily to come home to you & your daughter. he didn't make it. please keep coming back & let us know how you both are doing. my prayers are for you & your daughter. hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I am so very sorry for your loss - and the revelations you found out that bring you so much pain. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this with us. I hope we can be a soft place for you to fall - and that you will feel the loving comforting arms of your HP around you.
Love in recovery,
Jody
Love in recovery,
Jody
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
i am so sorry for your loss, many here can understand the betrayel you must feel, however im sure he loved you to the best of his ability and really wished he could have done things differently for himself and for his famiy, i would focus on just the good memeoroies, leave the bad addicted memories behind(thats no who he really was) and start a new chapter for you and your daughter... time to plan for the future..you can relax now and hopefully enjoy life and focus on you and your daughter .. its never easy , is it..allow yourself the time to grieve, and build your life over..there is so much out there to explore, i felt your pain in your post and i truly am sorry for your loss and what you have been going through....
Amolibri
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: NY
Posts: 36
Dear, dear ((((keepthefaith)))
I may be one of the few who can understand by experience. My husband also died (15 yrs ago) and I was told by a phone call. The hurt of that moment never quite leaves....but I am so grateful for my dear friends in Alanon and CoDA...without them I don't know where I'd be. I continued my attendance at meetings, and still go to CoDA today.
My heart goes out to you dear. I will keep you in my prayers. Please get the support you need. You have come to the right place by posting here. God bless you.
MSM :praying
I may be one of the few who can understand by experience. My husband also died (15 yrs ago) and I was told by a phone call. The hurt of that moment never quite leaves....but I am so grateful for my dear friends in Alanon and CoDA...without them I don't know where I'd be. I continued my attendance at meetings, and still go to CoDA today.
My heart goes out to you dear. I will keep you in my prayers. Please get the support you need. You have come to the right place by posting here. God bless you.
MSM :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 28
Thanks to all of you and your kind and encouraging words. I too believe my husband loved my daughter and myself and the life we created - we always said we were "almost to the end of our rainbow", which meant we were very close to when he could quit work and we would travel the world together. I know he was sincere in that feeling and that he just lost control when he started using again in March and things got way crazy.
I know he didn't intend on killing himself when he was in Detroit; I know he thought he would come home and make everything better, like he had so many times before. But his heart couldn't take any more abuse. I found out his heart stopped when he was using a few week's earlier and he felt he did some damage to it. But even the thought of that wasn't enough to stop him from using again. Goes to show you just how strong his addiction was!
My heart breaks when I think of the awful things he did over the years but I do realize that I can't dwell on that part of him. That person is a stranger to me and someone I didn't live with, love or even remotely know. I do feel sorry for my husband now that I realize he must have been terribly tormented living these 2 lives for so long - he must have been full of shame, remorse and guilt, which probably only fueled his drug use all the more. It's a real eye opener to realize you can be with someone for so long and not really know that person and what is going on with them. My husband hid that dark part of himself very well. I never once thought he was unfaithful -- I knew about the drug use from the very beginning and made an agreement with myself that as long as he worked at recovery, I would be there alongside him and work it as well and I felt we were doing that pretty well for the 18 years we were together.
One thing that gets me thru the hard times is that I really have no guilt where he is concerned - I loved him sincerely, I supported him 100% and I provided as much of a "normal" home for him as I could. He always wanted the "white picket fence" life and we have that -- he was a good provider, financially, and because of that my daughter and I will not have to worry about moving or struggling to make ends meet. I realize it could always be worse and I thank him for leaving us in a good position financially and for working hard to achieve this lifestyle we have. I am sad that he won't be here to share the fruits of his labor with me, or that he won't see his lovely daughter grow up and become the ballet dancer she strives to be. That part is very heartbreaking -- he was so proud of his daughter but because of his addiction it created a huge void between the 2 of them that was never resolved. He knew it and he suffered great guilt because of it. But even THAT wasn't enough to stop using!
I know there was a good man inside of him, a man who worked hard, was extremely generous to all who crossed his path, a man who loved us dearly and was proud of all he achieved in his 40 years on earth. That is the man I have to remember and that is the man I hope my daughter can one day remember. Hopefully time will ease her pain and erase the bad memories of Dad; hopefully in time she'll only remember the good times as well. That is what I am praying for.
I really appreciate all your prayers and good wishes for myself and my daughter. I feel comforted when reading your postings and don't feel so alone in my pain or feel shame over what my husband did in secret. I realize I am not alone in my experiences -- the names may change, the drug of choice may change, etc. but we all share a common thread and that is that we all love/loved an addict. Your support and love is invaluable -- thank you and may God bless all of you.
I know he didn't intend on killing himself when he was in Detroit; I know he thought he would come home and make everything better, like he had so many times before. But his heart couldn't take any more abuse. I found out his heart stopped when he was using a few week's earlier and he felt he did some damage to it. But even the thought of that wasn't enough to stop him from using again. Goes to show you just how strong his addiction was!
My heart breaks when I think of the awful things he did over the years but I do realize that I can't dwell on that part of him. That person is a stranger to me and someone I didn't live with, love or even remotely know. I do feel sorry for my husband now that I realize he must have been terribly tormented living these 2 lives for so long - he must have been full of shame, remorse and guilt, which probably only fueled his drug use all the more. It's a real eye opener to realize you can be with someone for so long and not really know that person and what is going on with them. My husband hid that dark part of himself very well. I never once thought he was unfaithful -- I knew about the drug use from the very beginning and made an agreement with myself that as long as he worked at recovery, I would be there alongside him and work it as well and I felt we were doing that pretty well for the 18 years we were together.
One thing that gets me thru the hard times is that I really have no guilt where he is concerned - I loved him sincerely, I supported him 100% and I provided as much of a "normal" home for him as I could. He always wanted the "white picket fence" life and we have that -- he was a good provider, financially, and because of that my daughter and I will not have to worry about moving or struggling to make ends meet. I realize it could always be worse and I thank him for leaving us in a good position financially and for working hard to achieve this lifestyle we have. I am sad that he won't be here to share the fruits of his labor with me, or that he won't see his lovely daughter grow up and become the ballet dancer she strives to be. That part is very heartbreaking -- he was so proud of his daughter but because of his addiction it created a huge void between the 2 of them that was never resolved. He knew it and he suffered great guilt because of it. But even THAT wasn't enough to stop using!
I know there was a good man inside of him, a man who worked hard, was extremely generous to all who crossed his path, a man who loved us dearly and was proud of all he achieved in his 40 years on earth. That is the man I have to remember and that is the man I hope my daughter can one day remember. Hopefully time will ease her pain and erase the bad memories of Dad; hopefully in time she'll only remember the good times as well. That is what I am praying for.
I really appreciate all your prayers and good wishes for myself and my daughter. I feel comforted when reading your postings and don't feel so alone in my pain or feel shame over what my husband did in secret. I realize I am not alone in my experiences -- the names may change, the drug of choice may change, etc. but we all share a common thread and that is that we all love/loved an addict. Your support and love is invaluable -- thank you and may God bless all of you.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Sorry that I am coming in on this late.
But I want to add my prayers to the group.
Many of us here seem to feel the need to justify our grief . As if its only the " good ones" we are "allowed" to feel loss for. But its so not true.
ANY loved one that is lost is grieved for just as deeply as any other.
The pain you feel is as real as the life you shared.
Thank goodness People here understand how love isn't always as we might have hoped or wanted, but it is love, even as we decide to detach and move on.
It is sad that you have to deal with his ugly truth of addiction on top of your grief, maybe its okay for now to put that aside and allow yourself time to grieve for what was good.
Time enough for the other as you move forward.
Prayers to you and your daughter.:praying
But I want to add my prayers to the group.
Many of us here seem to feel the need to justify our grief . As if its only the " good ones" we are "allowed" to feel loss for. But its so not true.
ANY loved one that is lost is grieved for just as deeply as any other.
The pain you feel is as real as the life you shared.
Thank goodness People here understand how love isn't always as we might have hoped or wanted, but it is love, even as we decide to detach and move on.
It is sad that you have to deal with his ugly truth of addiction on top of your grief, maybe its okay for now to put that aside and allow yourself time to grieve for what was good.
Time enough for the other as you move forward.
Prayers to you and your daughter.:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
I am sorry for your loss..the deceit and manipulation make me sick. When my guy died last year, I found out then that he had hepC. He exposed me and didn't tell me,even knowing he had it for years..It took me 3 months to go get checked[negative]. I was so angry I felt I could not even mourn him...I was numb..probably a good thing. Today...I miss him at times, I can remember some wonderful times when he was who he was and not the crack monster...He was a wonderful, soft, sweet ,caring friend with a horrible addiction. It was his time and way to go. God knows best...God bless you and your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 28
Update on my husband died....
It's been awhile since I did any posting on this site....been busy with financial planners, meeting with a lawyer, helping my daughter get ready for dance camp and just trying to get through the days. I talked to the Coroner in Detroit and they have a final cause of death for my husband....Accidental due to cocaine and heroin use!! I didn't even know he used heroin, so am really shocked at this discovery. Apparently he was doing "speedballs" and the heroin slowed down his respiratory system to the point of stopping it.
All I can think of is what a shame, what a waste of a wonderful person, and how sad it is that he had this problem. I have no idea how long he's been doing heroin, but I now realize he was a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any moment, and he did in Detroit.
What a sad way to go out of this life -- all alone in a hotel room, smoking crack and heroin, and to be found by some stranger (hotel manager) days after you died.
All I can think of is what a shame, what a waste of a wonderful person, and how sad it is that he had this problem. I have no idea how long he's been doing heroin, but I now realize he was a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any moment, and he did in Detroit.
What a sad way to go out of this life -- all alone in a hotel room, smoking crack and heroin, and to be found by some stranger (hotel manager) days after you died.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Keep,
Thanks for checking back in with the update. It is sad and shocking, and I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Hopefully the time will come when you can look back at photographs and talk of the wonderful man, without having to focus on the terrible suffering. You sound like an awesome lady, Keep, and how wonderful that your daughter is taking off for dance camp! I hope you make a few plans for YOU while she is away. Prayers for serenity and peace, sweetie
Thanks for checking back in with the update. It is sad and shocking, and I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Hopefully the time will come when you can look back at photographs and talk of the wonderful man, without having to focus on the terrible suffering. You sound like an awesome lady, Keep, and how wonderful that your daughter is taking off for dance camp! I hope you make a few plans for YOU while she is away. Prayers for serenity and peace, sweetie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 28
Peace -- thanks for the kind words. I do take comfort in remembering the man I knew for 18 years, the loving husband & father, hard worker and wonderful provider, and my best friend. I know he loved us and I know that other side of him had nothing to do with his feelings for us or the life we had.
Since he death I have found out so much about the sexual abuse he suffered from 2nd grade on, his mother seduced him when he was 16 and she was his first sexual encounter with a woman! That is how deep and serious his abuse was, and that is only the tip of the iceberg! Finding all this out has been painful, but also has helped me understand what kind of demons he had and why he just couldn't "get over it" like I suggested many times. So in a way, it's a good thing I found all of this out because I now know I had nothing to do with his demons, and I know that being with me gave him the first chance at having a "normal" life, even if he couldn't do it forever, at least he got the chance to experience a loving marriage and the joy of having a daughter.
His family is in such denial - they blame him for O.D.ing and refuse to see how what they did to him in his childhood has any bearing on his problems later in life! I found out they're having a memorial for him at his father's house tomorrow and they didn't even include myself or my daughter! I know they're all crazy, full of guilt and shame, and that the best thing for us is to stay away from them, but it angers me so much that they blame my husband for what happened to him! I hate what they did to him, they should of had their kids taken away- his 2 brothers are active addicts and his sister has an eating disorder - but the parent's don't make any connection between what happened to the kids in childhood and the problems they're having in their lives now! I can forgive my husband but I don't think I will ever forgive his parents -- because of what they did to him and allowed happen to him, my husband and best friend is gone and my daughter will grow up without a father! Addiction is definately a family disease --- we're living proof of that. We are suffering the sins of his parents and their addictions, things that happened a long time ago - and even tho they aren't active cocaine addicts or selling drugs any longer (they still do other drugs), the repercussions of their lifestyle back then is still felt 35 years later. All I can say is shame on them and stay away from them.
Since he death I have found out so much about the sexual abuse he suffered from 2nd grade on, his mother seduced him when he was 16 and she was his first sexual encounter with a woman! That is how deep and serious his abuse was, and that is only the tip of the iceberg! Finding all this out has been painful, but also has helped me understand what kind of demons he had and why he just couldn't "get over it" like I suggested many times. So in a way, it's a good thing I found all of this out because I now know I had nothing to do with his demons, and I know that being with me gave him the first chance at having a "normal" life, even if he couldn't do it forever, at least he got the chance to experience a loving marriage and the joy of having a daughter.
His family is in such denial - they blame him for O.D.ing and refuse to see how what they did to him in his childhood has any bearing on his problems later in life! I found out they're having a memorial for him at his father's house tomorrow and they didn't even include myself or my daughter! I know they're all crazy, full of guilt and shame, and that the best thing for us is to stay away from them, but it angers me so much that they blame my husband for what happened to him! I hate what they did to him, they should of had their kids taken away- his 2 brothers are active addicts and his sister has an eating disorder - but the parent's don't make any connection between what happened to the kids in childhood and the problems they're having in their lives now! I can forgive my husband but I don't think I will ever forgive his parents -- because of what they did to him and allowed happen to him, my husband and best friend is gone and my daughter will grow up without a father! Addiction is definately a family disease --- we're living proof of that. We are suffering the sins of his parents and their addictions, things that happened a long time ago - and even tho they aren't active cocaine addicts or selling drugs any longer (they still do other drugs), the repercussions of their lifestyle back then is still felt 35 years later. All I can say is shame on them and stay away from them.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Keepthefaith))))
I think youu have made a wise decision to stay away from his family and that service. The memorial service you "hold" in your heart by remembering the husband and father of your child that you love and not the troubled active addict is so much more of a memorial than any formal but insincere service others may plan. To me it sounds as if his family is in denial, and the biggest denial action is to blame others so I don't have to look inside myself. I imagine his parents know deep down that they played a major role in his unhappiness and that somewhere within them is the possibility of moving from denial and facing their own truths. Prayers that someday they will find that strength and the healing can continue.
Your words about your husband's heart giving out and yet he went back rang so familiar to me. My daughter OD'd from snorting tainted heroin and we almost lost her. Several weeks later after some recovery time, she struggled again, went back out and died from the same thing. Having "seen" the daughter I love, the beautiful child during her clean time, and knowing how it pained her that heroin kept calling her, I too realized that the disease was just so incredibly powerful and that there was nothing I could do. I now feel at peace with the support I gave her and the boundaries I established. Despite her death, I think they were the right things to do, and I know your actions in protecting yourself and your child were the right things for you to do too. I know your husband knew that as well and loved you both so much.
Continued prayers and positive healing and comforting thoughts to you and your daughter. I hope you will do something special just for you instead of thinking about his toxic family. Hugs.
I think youu have made a wise decision to stay away from his family and that service. The memorial service you "hold" in your heart by remembering the husband and father of your child that you love and not the troubled active addict is so much more of a memorial than any formal but insincere service others may plan. To me it sounds as if his family is in denial, and the biggest denial action is to blame others so I don't have to look inside myself. I imagine his parents know deep down that they played a major role in his unhappiness and that somewhere within them is the possibility of moving from denial and facing their own truths. Prayers that someday they will find that strength and the healing can continue.
Your words about your husband's heart giving out and yet he went back rang so familiar to me. My daughter OD'd from snorting tainted heroin and we almost lost her. Several weeks later after some recovery time, she struggled again, went back out and died from the same thing. Having "seen" the daughter I love, the beautiful child during her clean time, and knowing how it pained her that heroin kept calling her, I too realized that the disease was just so incredibly powerful and that there was nothing I could do. I now feel at peace with the support I gave her and the boundaries I established. Despite her death, I think they were the right things to do, and I know your actions in protecting yourself and your child were the right things for you to do too. I know your husband knew that as well and loved you both so much.
Continued prayers and positive healing and comforting thoughts to you and your daughter. I hope you will do something special just for you instead of thinking about his toxic family. Hugs.
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