My husband died...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My prayers of peace and comfort go out for you and your daughter. I'm so sorry that his life was filled with such pain and sordid behaviour.
I pray that one day you can separate that stranger who was the active addict from the loving person deep inside who was incapable of being the loving father and husband that you both needed. My thoughts are that he probably loved you very much and that his sickness related directly to his disease and childhood trauma and had nothing to do with you or your relationship...as hard as that may be to believe.
May he rest in peace in the arms of God and may you and your daughter find light and peace each day as you move forward with your lives.
Hugs
I pray that one day you can separate that stranger who was the active addict from the loving person deep inside who was incapable of being the loving father and husband that you both needed. My thoughts are that he probably loved you very much and that his sickness related directly to his disease and childhood trauma and had nothing to do with you or your relationship...as hard as that may be to believe.
May he rest in peace in the arms of God and may you and your daughter find light and peace each day as you move forward with your lives.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Keepthefaith))),
I think it is really healthy for you to have this place where you can pour it all out and hear responses of support and love, sweetie. I hope you continue to stick around for the help you need to get through this blind-siding situation. I, too, feel a sense of peace in your post, that you and your daughter are going to be just fine. Perhaps your HP gave you that notebook to see just how troubled a life your husband had, trouble that had nothing to do with your relationship together. Bless you and your daughter, and the love you share today
I think it is really healthy for you to have this place where you can pour it all out and hear responses of support and love, sweetie. I hope you continue to stick around for the help you need to get through this blind-siding situation. I, too, feel a sense of peace in your post, that you and your daughter are going to be just fine. Perhaps your HP gave you that notebook to see just how troubled a life your husband had, trouble that had nothing to do with your relationship together. Bless you and your daughter, and the love you share today
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
I am so sorry for your loss. Many prayers to you and your daughter. you certainly have an awful lot to absorb. Many addicts have been sexually abused and lead an addictive lifestyle. I'm sorry that he did not share these things with you, and betrayed you in many other ways. How very sad and traumatic in what he experienced. Many addicts live another life that we have no idea. They are experienced at covering there pain, and become masters at lying. All part of the addiction. As you move forward in your life I hope you and your daughter find peace in your lives.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((keepthefaith))
Please accept my sympathy in your loss.
It must be difficult not only losing your husband but also in finding this journal it must feel like the death of what you thought you and he had.
So much grief and sadness - please take extra care of you, allow yourself the tools of the program, the gentleness of your loving HP's care to comfort you during this time and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you comfort and peace,
Rita
Please accept my sympathy in your loss.
It must be difficult not only losing your husband but also in finding this journal it must feel like the death of what you thought you and he had.
So much grief and sadness - please take extra care of you, allow yourself the tools of the program, the gentleness of your loving HP's care to comfort you during this time and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wishing you comfort and peace,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
(((keepthefaith)))
I am so sorry for your loss. Every time I hear about someone losing their life because of addiction it reminds me of what a horrific and evil disease it is.
Thank you for sharing your post with us, it was so honest and so real.. It was very touching. I am thinking of you and your daughter at this difficult time.
Prayers an hugs,
Daisy
I am so sorry for your loss. Every time I hear about someone losing their life because of addiction it reminds me of what a horrific and evil disease it is.
Thank you for sharing your post with us, it was so honest and so real.. It was very touching. I am thinking of you and your daughter at this difficult time.
Prayers an hugs,
Daisy
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
My heart goes out to you and your daughter- having lost my husband too-Many prayers go out to you and your family-Please keep coming here and posting-I pray for your peace and comfort and do hope that one day you remember the loving man and not the addict filled with pain.
having lost my husband too-Many prayers go out to you and your family-Please keep coming here and posting-I pray for your peace and comfort and do hope that one day you remember the loving man and not the addict filled with pain.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
my heart goes out to you and your family
I am so sorry about your husband dying. Although my boyfriend has struggled, it is still hard to even fathom some of the things in your post, but at the same time they are very enlightening. May God keep you and your family during this difficult time.
Peace and Love,
GG
Peace and Love,
GG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((((((Faith))))))
I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to some of the things that you are going through. You see my husband died 7 yrs ago. At that time my daughter started using drugs. I only found out last June that he had sexually abused our daughter when she was 13 yrs. old. She carried this secret for 16 yrs. by her self. At one point during that time she was in therapy and she did tell the therapist. I was never made aware of this.
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that this man that I was married to for 30 yrs. would have ever been capable of this. Now I have a deep hate for him and I always will. He is not here anymore for me to do anything about it. I at times do feel like I let my daughter down by not knowing. She says she has forgiven him. I haven't forgiven him yet.......I can't.
He was a pillar in the community, he could have won the father and husband of the year award. Who knew? I also have 2 sons, both married. They hold their father in a high regard. My daughter and I have never shared this with them. We both want to, but just don't have the strength to do so. It will kill them.
I carry this everyday and live with so much hate and resentment. I don't think my daughter ever would have turned to drugs if it hadn't been for him. She finally stopped using drugs when she shard this secret with me. She said she felt set free for the first time since she was a little girl. Somedays the guilt and hate eats me alive. She is living a good life now and says he will no longer ruin her life.
I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that I also did not know the man that I thought I was married to. I mourn the man that I thought he was but not the man that I didn't know. I do remember when he died, my daughter also said that he was always dead to her......now I know what she meant.
Many blessings on you and your daughter....................Lo
I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to some of the things that you are going through. You see my husband died 7 yrs ago. At that time my daughter started using drugs. I only found out last June that he had sexually abused our daughter when she was 13 yrs. old. She carried this secret for 16 yrs. by her self. At one point during that time she was in therapy and she did tell the therapist. I was never made aware of this.
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that this man that I was married to for 30 yrs. would have ever been capable of this. Now I have a deep hate for him and I always will. He is not here anymore for me to do anything about it. I at times do feel like I let my daughter down by not knowing. She says she has forgiven him. I haven't forgiven him yet.......I can't.
He was a pillar in the community, he could have won the father and husband of the year award. Who knew? I also have 2 sons, both married. They hold their father in a high regard. My daughter and I have never shared this with them. We both want to, but just don't have the strength to do so. It will kill them.
I carry this everyday and live with so much hate and resentment. I don't think my daughter ever would have turned to drugs if it hadn't been for him. She finally stopped using drugs when she shard this secret with me. She said she felt set free for the first time since she was a little girl. Somedays the guilt and hate eats me alive. She is living a good life now and says he will no longer ruin her life.
I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that I also did not know the man that I thought I was married to. I mourn the man that I thought he was but not the man that I didn't know. I do remember when he died, my daughter also said that he was always dead to her......now I know what she meant.
Many blessings on you and your daughter....................Lo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
It took courage and strength to share what you did and, while many will benefit from it, you will benefit more. You and your daughter have my condolences and prayers for serenity as you move into the next chapter of your lives.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Keepthefaith
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. This is always our biggest nightmare!
I hope one day your daughter will realize that her Dad was a good person who loved you both very much, but also one that was very sick for a long, long time.
How very sad that another life has been lost to drugs. However, thank the Lord he is now safe and out of his misery.
I pray in time you can forget and forgive all the bad things he did (in the name of drugs) and remember the good times.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your daughter.
Hugs, Devastated
I hope one day your daughter will realize that her Dad was a good person who loved you both very much, but also one that was very sick for a long, long time.
How very sad that another life has been lost to drugs. However, thank the Lord he is now safe and out of his misery.
I pray in time you can forget and forgive all the bad things he did (in the name of drugs) and remember the good times.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your daughter.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Thank you so much for posting. You've been in my thoughts. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please keep coming back. This is a good place for you to work through your emotions and your posts may help others in a similar situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
I have been thinking of you quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. I am so relieved you were able to take a breath long enough and deep enough to check in here.
I’m off on vaca, but a necessary evil of the job is being attached to email. And while I was on-line last night, I made a last check for messages here… and found yours.
After reading your post, I made multiple attempts to respond to you, both publicly and in PM, and not one word I typed seemed worthy to send. Not even a simple sentence of condolence read right to me.
I hope you’ll be able to post here as often as you can so you have moral support as you begin to process all that has been heaped onto your heart. That’s an incredible mountain of information to have to sort through without an understanding sounding board close at hand.
Take extra special care of yourself and your daughter. Love her up, and *love yourself up*, like there’s no tomorrow.
:ghug3
I’m off on vaca, but a necessary evil of the job is being attached to email. And while I was on-line last night, I made a last check for messages here… and found yours.
After reading your post, I made multiple attempts to respond to you, both publicly and in PM, and not one word I typed seemed worthy to send. Not even a simple sentence of condolence read right to me.
I hope you’ll be able to post here as often as you can so you have moral support as you begin to process all that has been heaped onto your heart. That’s an incredible mountain of information to have to sort through without an understanding sounding board close at hand.
Take extra special care of yourself and your daughter. Love her up, and *love yourself up*, like there’s no tomorrow.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 32
OMG… I am so sorry to hear all of this. I’m shocked and saddened for him, for you and for your daughter.
I don’t know if this help ease you, but I also found out some of the same things you did. My ex told me the exact same thing – wasn’t cheating because he couldn’t get it up. But he did tell me he liked to smoke crack naked. Of course, he was smoking in a crack house, so he certainly wasn’t alone.
In the other thread I had mentioned I had come across my ex’s rehab homework-type stuff after I had kicked him out. What I didn’t mention was I had come across a journal he had started. In it I read he had an encounter with a transvestite who preformed, errr, “oral favors” on my ex - at least one time, anyway. He mentioned his, uh, multiple partner action with his steady crack bimbo and her friend. Of course, he was buying for them and having “fun” with them for the better part of our 4 year relationship.
When I had confronted him with this stuff, he still denied he had sex, but rather “just” had oral sex. Like that made it any less painful or the transmission of disease any less possible than if he had had intercourse.
To really bring it home, after he was out of my place, his bimbo had the nerve to come looking for him at MY HOME. Yup, that was sweet.
So, please know I understand that incredible slap in the face. The reality of crack addiction and everything that goes with it goes WAY FAR BEYOND “just” excruciatingly painful for those of us left in its wake.
All my best to you and your daughter during this time of mourning.
I don’t know if this help ease you, but I also found out some of the same things you did. My ex told me the exact same thing – wasn’t cheating because he couldn’t get it up. But he did tell me he liked to smoke crack naked. Of course, he was smoking in a crack house, so he certainly wasn’t alone.
In the other thread I had mentioned I had come across my ex’s rehab homework-type stuff after I had kicked him out. What I didn’t mention was I had come across a journal he had started. In it I read he had an encounter with a transvestite who preformed, errr, “oral favors” on my ex - at least one time, anyway. He mentioned his, uh, multiple partner action with his steady crack bimbo and her friend. Of course, he was buying for them and having “fun” with them for the better part of our 4 year relationship.
When I had confronted him with this stuff, he still denied he had sex, but rather “just” had oral sex. Like that made it any less painful or the transmission of disease any less possible than if he had had intercourse.
To really bring it home, after he was out of my place, his bimbo had the nerve to come looking for him at MY HOME. Yup, that was sweet.
So, please know I understand that incredible slap in the face. The reality of crack addiction and everything that goes with it goes WAY FAR BEYOND “just” excruciatingly painful for those of us left in its wake.
All my best to you and your daughter during this time of mourning.
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