After Rehab - Where will she go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
After Rehab - Where will she go?
Hi,
I'm searching for help and found this place. I'll take all advice anyone can give me.
My BFs' daughter is in rehab. She lived with us a couple of years ago but then left to be with her mother and the trouble really started. After many addresses and jobs the big city chewed her up and spit her out and she is in rehab. She is 18 but when she gets out we don't know where she will go.
Her dad wants her with us, he feels that he can be the strength she needs to get her through putting her life back together. My struggle is that I have younger kids in the house. Do I agree to support her and help with this?
Or do I tell him that they need to live somewhere else while she is dealing with the rest of her recovery?
She was good when she was with us previously but has lived a lifetime in the couple of years since.
I know I can't keep my kids in a bubble, but am not sure what is best, for all involved.
I'm listening......
I'm searching for help and found this place. I'll take all advice anyone can give me.
My BFs' daughter is in rehab. She lived with us a couple of years ago but then left to be with her mother and the trouble really started. After many addresses and jobs the big city chewed her up and spit her out and she is in rehab. She is 18 but when she gets out we don't know where she will go.
Her dad wants her with us, he feels that he can be the strength she needs to get her through putting her life back together. My struggle is that I have younger kids in the house. Do I agree to support her and help with this?
Or do I tell him that they need to live somewhere else while she is dealing with the rest of her recovery?
She was good when she was with us previously but has lived a lifetime in the couple of years since.
I know I can't keep my kids in a bubble, but am not sure what is best, for all involved.
I'm listening......
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
Welcome to SR. Glad you found us. This is a wonderful place for support.
If I were in your place (knowing only what I know from what you've written), I would sit down with my BF and explain my fears, and work up a list of boundaries for his daughter to follow if she wants to live in our home. (Such as attending AA or NA on a regular basis.) Make sure the two of you are on the same page regarding those boundaries and the consequences if she refuses to abide by them. Of course, a lot of it would depend on how long you and your BF have been together and how serious the relationship is. Good luck to you. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you their two cents worth, too. :praying
If I were in your place (knowing only what I know from what you've written), I would sit down with my BF and explain my fears, and work up a list of boundaries for his daughter to follow if she wants to live in our home. (Such as attending AA or NA on a regular basis.) Make sure the two of you are on the same page regarding those boundaries and the consequences if she refuses to abide by them. Of course, a lot of it would depend on how long you and your BF have been together and how serious the relationship is. Good luck to you. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you their two cents worth, too. :praying
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree with Suki if you decide to let her stay with you....make sure you discuss it all...boundaries and what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. Most rehabs have an aftercare program, where she will still need to attend meetings, counseling, etc.
On the other hand, there are several half-way house type programs that are made for people who have been in rehab. If she can get in one, she will be with other RA's, but will also start dealing with "real life"...getting a job, household chores, etc. If this is possible, I think it's a really good option.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
On the other hand, there are several half-way house type programs that are made for people who have been in rehab. If she can get in one, she will be with other RA's, but will also start dealing with "real life"...getting a job, household chores, etc. If this is possible, I think it's a really good option.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Before my daughter went into rehab we had boundaries in place. Sometimes she'd really push it and she came close to getting the boot. Now that she's in rehab, there will be even more boundaries when she gets out. For my serenity I will not be able to go backwards. For her recovery, she will need to keep whatever momentum she acquires in rehab.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hi, my ad, age 24, went to rehab 5 times. Each time we believed and trusted and it was betrayed. The hard part is her niece, now age 5, who watched the coming/going, and the arguments, craziness that goes along w/ an additicion. IMO, any where but home! It will be hard, but I learned the hard way. Home, for my AD, was a trigger. She was never there more than 7 days and gone again, each time deeper and deeper into her hell.
You are in my prayers, but I believe your first priority is your kids!! Loving someone is sometimes letting go; and I learned here that what a mom 'wants to do' is most likely the wrong thing to do!!
More moms, much wiser than me will be along, also some great people who have beat their addictions and help me daily. You'll learn to love them as I do!
susan
You are in my prayers, but I believe your first priority is your kids!! Loving someone is sometimes letting go; and I learned here that what a mom 'wants to do' is most likely the wrong thing to do!!
More moms, much wiser than me will be along, also some great people who have beat their addictions and help me daily. You'll learn to love them as I do!
susan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: on to bigger & better things
Posts: 4,122
I'd check into halfway houses.....I lived in one two different times.....was really a good thing for my recovery! Separate times in & out of the program, but, today I've got over 10 yrs clean.........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Cloud 9
Posts: 778
Hi ABC..welcome. I am the mother of a 22 years old recovering herion addict. She just celebrated 12 months clean. She has basically done it all...detox approx 4 times, intensive out paitent a few times, in paitent 2 times, ER 1x, medical detox one time, halfway house (for 3 months after completing a 28 day in paitent) For her, the bed to bed: detox directly, to in paitent, directly to halfway house seemed to benifit her the most. She had to learn how to get a sponser & actually work the steps. Not just fake it, but truley work it. She also had to learn to reach out to other girls, not just guys.
There is indeed alot to learn about addiciton if you and her dad are considering taking her in. Addicts are the greatest liers around. They can sooo snow you. You can't love her clean or fix her. It is up to her and only her. It doesn't matter if she is at your house or a halfway house, bottom line is, it is up to her. Also, not trying to scare you but if she does come to your house, you should lock up your credit cards, bank records ect. On one of my daughters stays at home she stole my husbands credit card & bought of cartons of cigerets that she traded for drugs. She admited it when she was in rehab & said she was sorry. She also later paid every cent back. My point is you cannot trust an active addict. They are not well.
Wishing you luck in whatever you decide is the right decison for you and your family. I am sending prayers for your step daughter & hugs out to you.
There is indeed alot to learn about addiciton if you and her dad are considering taking her in. Addicts are the greatest liers around. They can sooo snow you. You can't love her clean or fix her. It is up to her and only her. It doesn't matter if she is at your house or a halfway house, bottom line is, it is up to her. Also, not trying to scare you but if she does come to your house, you should lock up your credit cards, bank records ect. On one of my daughters stays at home she stole my husbands credit card & bought of cartons of cigerets that she traded for drugs. She admited it when she was in rehab & said she was sorry. She also later paid every cent back. My point is you cannot trust an active addict. They are not well.
Wishing you luck in whatever you decide is the right decison for you and your family. I am sending prayers for your step daughter & hugs out to you.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If her rehab is less that 6-12 mos. at her age she will need way more support than just coming to live at home.
Have your husband check w/ her rehab for after care Sober Living homes.
Where they enforce rules, sobriety, having a job or school, etc.
The 1st time my son went to rehab at age 18, I thought a 5 week program would fix him right up and put him back on his path. HA HA HA. It takes much more.
Have your husband check w/ her rehab for after care Sober Living homes.
Where they enforce rules, sobriety, having a job or school, etc.
The 1st time my son went to rehab at age 18, I thought a 5 week program would fix him right up and put him back on his path. HA HA HA. It takes much more.
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
I second (or third or fourth) the opinion that an aftercare/sober house is the way to go if it's an option for you. Most rehabs have a relationship with some. It's generally true that the more time in care of proffesionals, the better the chances. They teach them life and coping skills to deal with life w/o using. Stepping right back into the old world can make it easier to step into the old ways. Doing that could help help her, and give you some more time to see how she is doing before you bring her back into the house with the younger kids.
My AWs folks sent her to her first rehab at 15, she came back and started using again. That was hard on her younger siblings. What they went through with all that has affected them.
More prayers and hugs for all of you.
My AWs folks sent her to her first rehab at 15, she came back and started using again. That was hard on her younger siblings. What they went through with all that has affected them.
More prayers and hugs for all of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
Thank you all for your thoughts.
At this point we don't know much of anything, as she has been there for 6 weeks and has at least another few months ahead of her.
She is struggling with it, but has admitted that she was the one who put herself there and is the only one who can get herself back on track.
I don't know if she will even want to come live with us, and at this point not much has been discussed since a lot still has to happen.
Her 'habits' got started when she was away from us, so our home / area should not be a trigger for her, but unless she leaves Ontario she will always be able to find a way to get back to the people and the life that she was living.
I agree with the halfway house, I think that would be a great transition for her.
At this point we don't know much of anything, as she has been there for 6 weeks and has at least another few months ahead of her.
She is struggling with it, but has admitted that she was the one who put herself there and is the only one who can get herself back on track.
I don't know if she will even want to come live with us, and at this point not much has been discussed since a lot still has to happen.
Her 'habits' got started when she was away from us, so our home / area should not be a trigger for her, but unless she leaves Ontario she will always be able to find a way to get back to the people and the life that she was living.
I agree with the halfway house, I think that would be a great transition for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you for starting this topic. You've helped me find another missing tool from my toolbox 
When my 20 year old daughter gets out of rehab (it's 28 days) she will face even more boundaries here at home. The addiction therapist I was seeing had mentioned halfway houses to me before, and it's something I'm going to bring up when we all meet for the family sessions. I'm not going to require that she goes to one, but I will present it as an alternative if she finds our boundaries too restrictive at home.
When my 20 year old daughter gets out of rehab (it's 28 days) she will face even more boundaries here at home. The addiction therapist I was seeing had mentioned halfway houses to me before, and it's something I'm going to bring up when we all meet for the family sessions. I'm not going to require that she goes to one, but I will present it as an alternative if she finds our boundaries too restrictive at home.
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