AH says he's "not in recovery, he's just NOT using"...
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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AH says he's "not in recovery, he's just NOT using"...
what does he mean by this? and he's supposed to graduate IOP this week, how is this possible. I think he's back to his old scams again where he allows people to believe he's doing great. AUGH, some times this is all too much!
Him----->
<------me
Him----->
<------me
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
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Well, yippee skippee I say to this. So, he's a "dry druggy", not using doesn't make the behaviors and issues go away unless he's willing to work at it somehow. My AH doesn't get this, sounds like yours doesn't either. I'm sorry!
How are YOU doing? Besides ready to take out a baseball bat?
How are YOU doing? Besides ready to take out a baseball bat?
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Originally Posted by codeinewife 
Well, yippee skippee I say to this. So, he's a "dry druggy", not using doesn't make the behaviors and issues go away unless he's willing to work at it somehow. My AH doesn't get this, sounds like yours doesn't either. I'm sorry!
How are YOU doing? Besides ready to take out a baseball bat?
How are YOU doing? Besides ready to take out a baseball bat?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
When I first stopped drugs, I was clean but not in recovery. I ended up relapsing and hitting an even lower bottom.
Now, I choose recovery. To me, it's about dealing with life (ups and downs) and staying clean; it's learning to be grateful for everything I have; it's being responsible; it's reaching out to others, being a friend.
Recovery is a change in attitude. Without it, a "dry addict" is just going to end up angry, resentful, and mad at the world. Some people can stay clean like this....to me, it seems like a miserable way to be.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Now, I choose recovery. To me, it's about dealing with life (ups and downs) and staying clean; it's learning to be grateful for everything I have; it's being responsible; it's reaching out to others, being a friend.
Recovery is a change in attitude. Without it, a "dry addict" is just going to end up angry, resentful, and mad at the world. Some people can stay clean like this....to me, it seems like a miserable way to be.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Originally Posted by offhegoes
I don't see how I'll ever get thru this with out him, it hurts so much.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
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In my short-lived experience, it means he's not ready to stop using...he's only delaying the inevitable with a good dose of self-delusion.
My A was "dry" for about 5 or 6 months, then slowly began the descent into relapse. Even before he took that first drink (which led to that first joint, then that first snort and, finally, that first pipe), he was talking about relapse, planning for it, asking me what I'd do if he just, hypothetically, were to drink/use.
He was also a misery to live with. He was irritable, whiney, short-tempered, lazy, selfish, and--sometimes--downright delusional. He had all these wierd ideas of what I was doing/thinking/saying, running every phrase I uttered or action I took through his own little self-loathing personal translator.
And, all the while--even after he did go back out--he put on a face for all his old AA friends, the rest of his family, etc. He'd tell him how wonderful life was and how everything was going great. I was in awe of his ability to self-delude. I really do think he believed what he was telling them.
He's been back in actual recovery only 7 days now, by his choice: Once he smoked crack, he recognized he was out-of-control. (When the relapse started, that was the one thing he said he'd *never* go back to.) He's in the rooms and talking to his sponsor. The change is phenomenal, already. Things aren't perfect, by a longshot, and it's still early days so there's no illusions of "it's over" here...But, just the difference in his attitude and bearing is really, really noticeable. He has humility, he "sees" things he didn't see before, he talks to me and his daughter in a different way, he says "oops, sorry" when he gets the wrong end of the stick...he thinks about what he's doing
!!
So, IMHO, "just not using" is just an extension of active addiction. Sure, you don't have to worry about OD's or disappearing money or property, but it's not much different in any other way. It's further lies, manipulation, denial, and self-centeredness that continue to interfere with a healthy life, growth, and relationships.
My A was "dry" for about 5 or 6 months, then slowly began the descent into relapse. Even before he took that first drink (which led to that first joint, then that first snort and, finally, that first pipe), he was talking about relapse, planning for it, asking me what I'd do if he just, hypothetically, were to drink/use.
He was also a misery to live with. He was irritable, whiney, short-tempered, lazy, selfish, and--sometimes--downright delusional. He had all these wierd ideas of what I was doing/thinking/saying, running every phrase I uttered or action I took through his own little self-loathing personal translator.
And, all the while--even after he did go back out--he put on a face for all his old AA friends, the rest of his family, etc. He'd tell him how wonderful life was and how everything was going great. I was in awe of his ability to self-delude. I really do think he believed what he was telling them.
He's been back in actual recovery only 7 days now, by his choice: Once he smoked crack, he recognized he was out-of-control. (When the relapse started, that was the one thing he said he'd *never* go back to.) He's in the rooms and talking to his sponsor. The change is phenomenal, already. Things aren't perfect, by a longshot, and it's still early days so there's no illusions of "it's over" here...But, just the difference in his attitude and bearing is really, really noticeable. He has humility, he "sees" things he didn't see before, he talks to me and his daughter in a different way, he says "oops, sorry" when he gets the wrong end of the stick...he thinks about what he's doing
!!So, IMHO, "just not using" is just an extension of active addiction. Sure, you don't have to worry about OD's or disappearing money or property, but it's not much different in any other way. It's further lies, manipulation, denial, and self-centeredness that continue to interfere with a healthy life, growth, and relationships.
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Originally Posted by best
How did you get through the past 4 years? The real him wasn't there...he was using.
put the addiction and the fact that he no longer loves me together and it just seems unbearable. One of those would be hard enough to handle.
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So, IMHO, "just not using" is just an extension of active addiction. Sure, you don't have to worry about OD's or disappearing money or property, but it's not much different in any other way. It's further lies, manipulation, denial, and self-centeredness that continue to interfere with a healthy life, growth, and relationships.
This statement sure hits home for me. My husband of 20 years says he is in recovery and that he truly means it this time. He is attending church several times a week and just spent 2 weeks in detox , then 2 weeks in inpatient rehab (which he walked out on due to "they were all court ordered and not as serious as he is"),he is currently living with his mother and begging me to let him come home. I have been on my own for 3 months now and am in no way ready or willing to take a chance on things going back to the same old story.He says that he will do anything we ask of him and understands that there are trust issues, then turns around and gets angry and tells me that he wont allow me to make him angry enough to go use as he has done in the past when I refuse to allow him to move back home.He got angry because I saw that he had money in his console of his truck when I looked to see if the keys were in it to move it ( I didn't even go in it) He is angry because we asked him to take a drug test last week(which he passed).He has not given me one penny towards raising our son in over 3 months, and shows up, eats our food, smokes my cigarettes and if he lifts one hand to help out around here cops a nasty attitude about why should he be helping out if he is not allowed to live here .He goes back and forth on us attending the family counseling at the IOP he is currently attending and even went so far as to tell me that "they might tell you to continue using the tough love you are using on me now". I am saddened and disappointed by this as I realize that our whole family has been damaged by his addiction and feel that we could ALL benefit from the counseling and I am more than willing to participate.If things keep going as they are now I feel I have no choice but to go back to the "no contact rule", which makes me sad as there is a child involved.All in all I guess I just am not as convinced as his family that he is doing as well as he and they think ,and am dreading his slipping up and me taking the blame from his family for not supporting him. I see no humility in him at all ..... only anger and resentment towards me.It seems as if he thinks he is doing what he needs to do to convince me he is serious and doing well, but most of what I am seeing is just raising alot of red flags for me.
Am I going crazy, or what??????Is this the type of attitude and behaviour I should expect to see in one who is doing as well as he and his family seem to think????I would appreciate your input.....
This statement sure hits home for me. My husband of 20 years says he is in recovery and that he truly means it this time. He is attending church several times a week and just spent 2 weeks in detox , then 2 weeks in inpatient rehab (which he walked out on due to "they were all court ordered and not as serious as he is"),he is currently living with his mother and begging me to let him come home. I have been on my own for 3 months now and am in no way ready or willing to take a chance on things going back to the same old story.He says that he will do anything we ask of him and understands that there are trust issues, then turns around and gets angry and tells me that he wont allow me to make him angry enough to go use as he has done in the past when I refuse to allow him to move back home.He got angry because I saw that he had money in his console of his truck when I looked to see if the keys were in it to move it ( I didn't even go in it) He is angry because we asked him to take a drug test last week(which he passed).He has not given me one penny towards raising our son in over 3 months, and shows up, eats our food, smokes my cigarettes and if he lifts one hand to help out around here cops a nasty attitude about why should he be helping out if he is not allowed to live here .He goes back and forth on us attending the family counseling at the IOP he is currently attending and even went so far as to tell me that "they might tell you to continue using the tough love you are using on me now". I am saddened and disappointed by this as I realize that our whole family has been damaged by his addiction and feel that we could ALL benefit from the counseling and I am more than willing to participate.If things keep going as they are now I feel I have no choice but to go back to the "no contact rule", which makes me sad as there is a child involved.All in all I guess I just am not as convinced as his family that he is doing as well as he and they think ,and am dreading his slipping up and me taking the blame from his family for not supporting him. I see no humility in him at all ..... only anger and resentment towards me.It seems as if he thinks he is doing what he needs to do to convince me he is serious and doing well, but most of what I am seeing is just raising alot of red flags for me.
Am I going crazy, or what??????Is this the type of attitude and behaviour I should expect to see in one who is doing as well as he and his family seem to think????I would appreciate your input.....
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Kara
IMO, for what it's worth, for me the "recovery" behaviors I would look for would be honesty, accountability, humility, patience, willingness to listen and compromise, and even a little humble in there - not groveling. I know I personally will never see this from my AH, but I have several friends in recovery for various years, and by no means are they perfect, but they are willing partners, and it shows as they exhibit these traits.
As always, it will be your call what is acceptable to you and what is enough for you either way. Is his behavior more acceptable to you if he's "clean"? Sounds like your instincts are blowing whistles, horns and beating loudly.
No matter what his family thinks, and I know this is easier said than done, but it is not your responsibility whatever he does - recovery or relapse! Are you willing to live a life based on a choice you're making for his family, your family or anyone else but you?
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it!
(((hugs to you)))
IMO, for what it's worth, for me the "recovery" behaviors I would look for would be honesty, accountability, humility, patience, willingness to listen and compromise, and even a little humble in there - not groveling. I know I personally will never see this from my AH, but I have several friends in recovery for various years, and by no means are they perfect, but they are willing partners, and it shows as they exhibit these traits.
As always, it will be your call what is acceptable to you and what is enough for you either way. Is his behavior more acceptable to you if he's "clean"? Sounds like your instincts are blowing whistles, horns and beating loudly.
No matter what his family thinks, and I know this is easier said than done, but it is not your responsibility whatever he does - recovery or relapse! Are you willing to live a life based on a choice you're making for his family, your family or anyone else but you?
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it!
(((hugs to you)))
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 15
Codeinwife,
You are right, my instincts are beating so loudly right now that it is giving me a headache. And in spite of what the in-laws think I am standing firm in that if my AH is sincere it will become obvious in time, if not then at least I will not have taken two steps backward again with him and I know my son and I will be in a much better place if it happens again.
I am not asking the man to grovel at my feet, but IMO if he were sincere he would realize that he has caused this mess , I did not pick up a crack pipe, light it and make him inhale.... only he is responsible for that and I am not owning it!Threats and manipulation are not going to convince me that he is sincere. I have waited 8 years for him to get his life together and if he truly loves me as he says he does he will give me time for him to prove himself to me.Sadly, I just don't see this happening so I must prepare to move on.
You are right, my instincts are beating so loudly right now that it is giving me a headache. And in spite of what the in-laws think I am standing firm in that if my AH is sincere it will become obvious in time, if not then at least I will not have taken two steps backward again with him and I know my son and I will be in a much better place if it happens again.
I am not asking the man to grovel at my feet, but IMO if he were sincere he would realize that he has caused this mess , I did not pick up a crack pipe, light it and make him inhale.... only he is responsible for that and I am not owning it!Threats and manipulation are not going to convince me that he is sincere. I have waited 8 years for him to get his life together and if he truly loves me as he says he does he will give me time for him to prove himself to me.Sadly, I just don't see this happening so I must prepare to move on.
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