I'm so Tired!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm so Tired!
Hey guys!
Just checking in. I'm really tired and worn out this week. I have been emailed, called and talked to and feel like I just cannot possibly have another "nothing" conversation.
I understand that his sense of time and how he thinks is his. It's not reality, so I feel like I am constantly saying, it's not time to put on pajamas yet, we only just finished breakfast. You know? He doesn't understand why I lose my patience and don't want to talk about who's going to get that towel or serving spoon. He doesn't get that there's still almost 20 days to go before this is all "real" and that what he wants may simply not be. He doesn't get any of this.
I am just tired. I understand it and I am sad for it. The other thing is - and avert your eyes you young-uns, but I had another memory with a moment this week. I don't know why, I was going to the grocery or something. Not thinking about this really. But I remembered something and I realized at that moment that it more than likely meant that he didn't just look at porn, he was "busy" elsewhere. I suppose there's some wild chance it was something innocent, but in all liklihood - men don't "shave" just because I understand. There's usually a reason - and at 49, it's not idle curiosity. I could be wrong of course, but my gut tells me I'm not.
In a way I guess I'm sad about this. Not so much for the actual fact he may or may not have done this, but it's just one more lie, one more memory that wasn't what I thought it was. There was an entire other life going on that I had absolutely no clue about. And the lying to keep all this going, he does it so well. My judgement was ???? who knows where. I just know, never again will I accept anything like what I've lived in my life. It could have been worse, I know - but it also could have been so much better.
Anyhow. I've been reading a lot of pain here this week. I'm sending big hugs to all of you hurting! We will get through this, I know! Together, we can do it.
Thanks guys - again and always!
:ghug2
Just checking in. I'm really tired and worn out this week. I have been emailed, called and talked to and feel like I just cannot possibly have another "nothing" conversation.
I understand that his sense of time and how he thinks is his. It's not reality, so I feel like I am constantly saying, it's not time to put on pajamas yet, we only just finished breakfast. You know? He doesn't understand why I lose my patience and don't want to talk about who's going to get that towel or serving spoon. He doesn't get that there's still almost 20 days to go before this is all "real" and that what he wants may simply not be. He doesn't get any of this.
I am just tired. I understand it and I am sad for it. The other thing is - and avert your eyes you young-uns, but I had another memory with a moment this week. I don't know why, I was going to the grocery or something. Not thinking about this really. But I remembered something and I realized at that moment that it more than likely meant that he didn't just look at porn, he was "busy" elsewhere. I suppose there's some wild chance it was something innocent, but in all liklihood - men don't "shave" just because I understand. There's usually a reason - and at 49, it's not idle curiosity. I could be wrong of course, but my gut tells me I'm not.
In a way I guess I'm sad about this. Not so much for the actual fact he may or may not have done this, but it's just one more lie, one more memory that wasn't what I thought it was. There was an entire other life going on that I had absolutely no clue about. And the lying to keep all this going, he does it so well. My judgement was ???? who knows where. I just know, never again will I accept anything like what I've lived in my life. It could have been worse, I know - but it also could have been so much better.
Anyhow. I've been reading a lot of pain here this week. I'm sending big hugs to all of you hurting! We will get through this, I know! Together, we can do it.
Thanks guys - again and always!
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
It gets so much easier, Codeine, when the constant contact stops. You can almost handle it when it is sporadic, and then ultimately you say it is time to stop altogether. The serenity and peace is out there, coming. Be patient and be good to yourself. You are a great support to us, also 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by codeinewife 
- but it also could have been so much better.
Just wanted to send my hugs....
:ghug3
The longer I listen to it, I really believe that reality is on a very distant planet for some.
The weekend is here. Any plans for you??????
Inquiring minds want to know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Yes, I have plans this weekend! We have a birthday in the family so tomorrow I drive about 3 hours south (about 2.5 hrs. north for you in SLO town!) to Salinas/Monterey - A lot of the family will be together and I haven't seen them for a few months - I miss them terribly, and it's the perfect weekend to see them all - especially the young ones!
Thanks for asking!
Thanks for asking!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
one more memory that wasn't what I thought it was....
I have the same feelings. I remember things and now that I know about his addiction, it changes the reality of that memory. How sad....I also feel that I just can't figure out what has been real and what has been fiction. I can only believe in those that have gone through this before. I truly think you are headed in the right direction. Have faith. My RAH is still clean, however his personality is so different and I see him so different. I continue to give it one year. BUT I am not happy where I am. I can't help but to wonder about the past and my perspective on things. I have so much doubt in my judgement. I do read your posts and they have been very helpful to me. I can relate to so much.
I have the same feelings. I remember things and now that I know about his addiction, it changes the reality of that memory. How sad....I also feel that I just can't figure out what has been real and what has been fiction. I can only believe in those that have gone through this before. I truly think you are headed in the right direction. Have faith. My RAH is still clean, however his personality is so different and I see him so different. I continue to give it one year. BUT I am not happy where I am. I can't help but to wonder about the past and my perspective on things. I have so much doubt in my judgement. I do read your posts and they have been very helpful to me. I can relate to so much.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
((((codeine))))
I'm not totally familiar with your story and will do some research later ... But you have been such a major support to me in these past 2 weeks that I felt the need to extend a great big (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))) and wishes for a great weekend with your family... From the sound of it you seem tired and down right frustrated and I hope you can let it go long enough to enjoy the love of your family ....
Prayers to you ...
I'm not totally familiar with your story and will do some research later ... But you have been such a major support to me in these past 2 weeks that I felt the need to extend a great big (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))) and wishes for a great weekend with your family... From the sound of it you seem tired and down right frustrated and I hope you can let it go long enough to enjoy the love of your family ....
Prayers to you ...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I just had to update. It's been one of those ying/yang nights. It's just an exhausting week. Lots of growth and lots of memories, etc. as I said before. AH is babysitting a dog this weekend. Last time he did I was a mess, reminded me of our dog we just lost. We have no kids, so our dog was my baby. Anyhow, even after he knew how upset I got last time, he still needs me to "help" tomorrow morning. Yes manipulation. Am I going to make a dog "pay" for this - No. I'm not. I'll deal with it and cry my eyes out afterwards. There's more to it, I won't get into it, I just know already it will be hard, but she is sweet and loving so I will love spending time with her. Right after my last walk I'm off to my family - so it will be OK.
The yang thing is that one of our nephew's ex-girlfriend's just called. She is a Freshman in college, travelled with her school, has had some life-changing moments and wants to tell me about it so we're having dinner next week. A young person with direction and she remembered me and wants to share! I am so happy for that.
I don't know which end is up anymore. Somehow, at the end of it all, it feels like the scales are weighing towards the good side. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know why. I'm tired, I'm hopeful, all sorts of things. But, mostly, I find myself coming back to a place where just maybe I'm going to be able to start giving back more than I need. I hope so, that would be a good sign. I just wanted to let you know, since apparently tonight is my update night.
The yang thing is that one of our nephew's ex-girlfriend's just called. She is a Freshman in college, travelled with her school, has had some life-changing moments and wants to tell me about it so we're having dinner next week. A young person with direction and she remembered me and wants to share! I am so happy for that.
I don't know which end is up anymore. Somehow, at the end of it all, it feels like the scales are weighing towards the good side. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know why. I'm tired, I'm hopeful, all sorts of things. But, mostly, I find myself coming back to a place where just maybe I'm going to be able to start giving back more than I need. I hope so, that would be a good sign. I just wanted to let you know, since apparently tonight is my update night.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((codeinewife)))
I think you are doing awesome, and by posting what you are going through, you are helping a lot of people. Even when things just suck, I know it makes me feel better than others have gone through, or are going through the same thing.
He is probalby going to get worse before the 20 days is up....he's not getting his way and he's mad, scared, angry, etc. You just keep focusing on you, and remember that you are almost free.
As for the dog...as hard as it is to not remember a loved furbaby when another is around, it always makes me feel good to get the unconditional love and adoration of a pet. I hope you have a great time with your family, and enjoy dinner next week....you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you are doing awesome, and by posting what you are going through, you are helping a lot of people. Even when things just suck, I know it makes me feel better than others have gone through, or are going through the same thing.
He is probalby going to get worse before the 20 days is up....he's not getting his way and he's mad, scared, angry, etc. You just keep focusing on you, and remember that you are almost free.
As for the dog...as hard as it is to not remember a loved furbaby when another is around, it always makes me feel good to get the unconditional love and adoration of a pet. I hope you have a great time with your family, and enjoy dinner next week....you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
CW.... Wanted to one more time say thank you. I am one of the many people who is inspired by your ability to share and put feelings into words. I am too understand the feeling of being totally exhausted and needing to get through. The work you are doing and the progress you are making is hard and tiring. BUT, you are doing it!
I know that you know that we are both on about the same timetable. I think the next few weeks is going to be rough...but got to keep looking forward. Thanks for pointing out and sharing the good stuff that you are doing for you and the good stuff that his happening for you. It is so hard sometimes to see any good...but I know it's there. Hope your weekend was good... come back and share. You really help.
I know that you know that we are both on about the same timetable. I think the next few weeks is going to be rough...but got to keep looking forward. Thanks for pointing out and sharing the good stuff that you are doing for you and the good stuff that his happening for you. It is so hard sometimes to see any good...but I know it's there. Hope your weekend was good... come back and share. You really help.
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