Why must they be the center of attention?
 

Daughter home for three weeks from university. She lives 3000 miles away. Every time she has come to visit AS causes problems. Recently detached from him. Cant believe I let him manipulate me, I let him come over mothers day for dinner. He was rude, layed on the couch all day, and had major attitude. It was a very tense day and of course I tried to pretend all was nice to avoid a blow up. Monday he goes to my home to see his sister well all chaos broke out. She told him she hated his attitude, well dont **** off the crack addict. He proceeded to tell her all kinds of lies ( unbelievable). Called her a spoiled princess and the reason we were in financial trouble was from helping her out. Said she was so small because she had an eating disorder, oh and the big one she has a mental problem because she is on birth control and it has fried her brain. Told her that I was a prescription drug addict and that I had been hiding it from her. Why because he saw me take a clonazepam once to try to sleep? Needless to say she let him have it for stealing from her over the years etc. She generally is very quiet and holds things in.
She told me she would not be coming back for a visit she cant cope with him anymore, and she has disowned him until he is in recovery. We have not helped him at all in over a month, no money nothing wich was a huge step. How could I have been so stupid and allowed him in the house while she was home. His newest one is he is blaming me for there relationship, because she knows that he has stole from us. Living 3000 miles away I try to keep her out of all of this but she does know min. things he has done plus she has been subjected to this. He left a voice mail on my machine yesterday telling me he is done with all of us ( whatever) and that he was going to destroy my life. How evil and nasty! Im sorry I just needed to share this. I barely get to see my daughter, she is a wonderful girl and I have this fear that his addiction is tearing all of us apart. Why do they destroy everything in there path and act jealous and vindictive?

hi there katie,

I look for your posts as my son is a crack addict in recovery at a facility. He has been there going on almost six months. Although I myself have no answers I will tell you that the more you engage in conversation with your son it is really like feeding a monster. You are giving him power. And that isn't healthy fro you.
If you must have discussions with him and he becomes abusive and threatening just consider the source. You are threatening what he wants.....his drugs, and freedom to do drugs. If he says he is through with you and your family just say something like....... I hope you will find a better life one day. I wish you well. End of reply. They wait for you to argue so that really fuels the fire. When he tells you he will ruin your life tell him it is unfortunate he feels the need to try this but there are always consequences for our actions and hopefully he will look at the big picture. Just have your consequences in place in case he causes you trouble.
As far as your daughter goes I know it might possibly be cost prohibitive for now but instead of her coming to you perhaps you could go see her or better yet meet halfway. You'd have new scenery, new things to talk about and son wouldn't be there to interfere. Might not be practical or financially possible but at least I'd think about it. Ask her how the two of you might get together in the future. She might have a great idea herself.
If she doesn't want to come home right now know that she is establishing her boundaries. It has nothing to do with you or your husband. respect that and perhaps call or write or email more and when you do talk to her just let her know she is loved and missed.
My son was never threatening or rude. He just kept me at arms length. Later, I realized that his favorite thing was divide and conquer. He kept everyone apart and the he "began to spin " his stories..........such as (to his wife) "My mom doesn't like you. She (meaning me)was mean to me all through childhood." Of course nothing could be farther from the truth but it sure seperated myself and the dil ........so he won that round.
So don't let your son conquer you or divide your family........go over some of those Al-Anon sayings. Don't listen to his voice messages. And always if there is any doubt let your answering phone pick up rather than you.
At least till you get over the hurdle.
I am very new to recovery. I make mistakes believe you me. But I know now that what I did in the past didn't work. My heart started getting hardened. So for now I am thankful my son is in recovery. I hope for the best and try not to interfere in the process. What tomorrow holds I do not know but for today he is safe, sober, and much more healthy. So my cup runneth over and I am a thankful person. Hopefully your son will accept help before long. Until then take care of yourself because you deserve a good life too as does your daughter and husband..............blessings, dixied

(((Katie)))

Sorry he's still being a jerk.

Dixied has a lot of good thoughts and ideas.

You are his mom, and you wanted to spend mother's day with both your kids. He did his best to ruin it. If I were you, when he calls and starts his tirades, I would just say "I love you but I don't have to put up with this" and hang up....until he gets the message.

sorry, I hit post message too fast.

As long as he gets a reaction from you, he is going to keep this up. In his addict mind, ANY reaction (other than no reaction at all) makes him think he has a chance to keep pushing you until you're tired and give in to what he wants. I know it sounds crazy, but our minds don't make any sense when we're using.

My dad and I have gotten into arguements over the years, pretty heated at times. When I got locked up the 2nd time and he quietly told me "I won't get you out" it had a HUGE impact. I knew, without a doubt, that I had crossed a line and he had enough.

I'm really sorry he is pushing all your buttons, but I know that for me, when someone says something calmly, then walks away or hangs up the phone, I get the message really quick. It's not going to be easy, and it will probably take several times, but you really don't deserve this and he needs to realize that.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

i say this, "i'm sorry you feel this way" and walk away. try it, you'll see the wind come right out of their sails. good luck!