Teggie

I have an issue I have been reluctant to talk much about but things have recently happened that I think I need some different insights into.

I have been married to my addict for 8 years now. He is a alcoholic who currently doesn't drink, instead he takes pain meds & muscle relaxers for his bad back & neck. But his pain managment often means he takes enough to stay stoned in the name of modern medicine. I just recently wrote my first post in a long time about it. I am trying to focus on me while I sort out how I am going to live my life.

When we got together 9 years ago he mentioned a previous marriage but no children. We have a son together who I thought was his only child. He never talks about his family, says they are all estranged and left on bad terms. About a month ago I answer a phone call from a 25 yr old female who tells me she is my husbands daughter, at first he acted surprised about it, like he didn't know and then later he broke down and told me the story.

He said from the time he was 14 till about 26 he stayed drunk and stoned all the time & that I would have not liked the person he used to be. When he was 16 a girl he hung out with got pregnant, she moved in with him at his mom's house. They had another child, a son a year later and when the kids were about 4 she left him & married someone else.

He says by the time he sobered up he felt like they would not want him in thier life so he just ignored it day by day. He said he knew it would come up eventually but he never told me because he thought I would leave him.

I was devastated he didn't tell me all this time. I was pissed he never took responsibility for those kids. I was hurt most of all that he never told me.

I have been through every emotion about this, from rage to trying to accept it and live with it. Suddenly within a month I have two stepkids who have children themselves. It goes to show you, never think you know someone, because you don't. I am still not sure I can deal with it and it has caused me to reflect on everything about us.

He talks to his daughter online most every day but the son is not ready to talk with him yet, understandable from my point, my dad was never around & I hated him for a long time. Last night he is telling me how she lost her roomate she was sharing an apt with and now didn't have money for rent,(actually her brother & his gf up and stiffed her for the rent) she rides a bike to work because she has no drivers liscence, she has no money and her brother & gf have already moved into thier mom's and so she can't go there.

He starts hinting that maybye she can come here and stay with us a bit. I don't know where the father of her two kids is or much about her period.

I am the breadwinner, its my job that pays the mortgage and the bills and we have a son plus I have a 16 & 10 yr old daughters from my first marriage I take care of, thier father pays very little. Hubby is selfemployed due to back issues making countertops cabinets etc. I rarely see any money from him, he either buys tools, pays a guy who help him lift stuff or blows it on crap or boy toys. He can't manage his money and often overdraws his acct and ends up spending mine for gas and day to day things. He usually eventually gives it back but I seem low on that priority list. Last time I had to take what he owed right out of his share of the income tax.

Bottom line is my money is barely enough as it is. How can I afford to support another child & her two kids who, until a month ago I never knew existed? It will likely take anywhere from 3-6 months for her to get settled, get a job, arrange daycare etc etc.

Am I wrong to say, enough is enough? Does that make me a horrible person?

I'm sorry this is so long.

Teggie

Jewelz

Teggie,

Wow thats a lot to have gone threw. I really dont know what to say and I understand where your coming from. You are already supporting three kids, yourself and your husband.... how much more can you spread yourself. I wish I had some advice for you.. its hard cause this is his kid who he didnt bother with for many years so in a way he owes this child something but it should come from his pocket. Thats my opinion anyways hopefully someone could help you more with this.

Hugs,
jewelz

Impurrfect

(((Teggie)))

No, you are NOT a terrible person. You don't have 3 kids, you have 4!! That includes your husband! Now you have 2 stepkids and step-grandkids.

I wouldn't let her move in. He's not even helping YOU financially, and he probably expects you to keep taking care of everyone. He may promise that he'll "do better" and be more responsible with money, but I wouldn't believe a word he says...let his actions speak for themselves.

I'm sorry for your stepdaughter, but she is an adult with 2 kids and she will need to find a way to do what she needs to do. Why doesn't she have a driver's license? If she got one, does she have a car? At 25 years old, she is more than old enough to figure out a way to support her and her kids.

I'm sorry you're in this mess, and I can imagine the pain this is causing you. It's hard to not wonder "what ELSE hasn't he told me about?" I would keep the focus on you and your kids.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

kj0975

Nope you dont sound selfish at all. You work damn hard for your family and for what you have. So for 25yrs this girl hasnt contacted her father and when she finally does starts giving him a guilt trip? Something doesnt sound right. I also know that if I needed a place to stay and my other siblings had to move home too, my mom would make room. Sleeping bags on the living room floor but I know I wouldnt be turned away. I think your husband is only getting 1/2 the story just what she wants to tell him. I also think hes feeling guilty for not being there for her and she could be tugging on those heart strings knowing this.

I would be livid. Happened to friends of mine they just got married tried forever to have kids, finally got pregnant. So happy then they get child support paperwork..... Her husband had twins with an exgf of his and failed to tell his wife. Almost makes you want to question everything they say. Stick to your guns on this one I think your totally in the right here.

Teggie

Thank you all for your insights. I beleived I was thinking right but it is amazing how much your thinking can get distorted.

After thinking and reading here I came to a conclusion.

I told him that my money was 100% accounted for to take care of this family & there was no way I could afford to help another adult + kids & that there was no room anyhow. We have a small 3 bedroom house & it is cramped with just us.

I suggested he send her part of the money he normally uses to buy boytoys with & help her out that way. I said there were prob alot of potential programs she could apply for in her state but if she moves out of state she may have to wait to be eligible.

We also had quite a discussion on how he relys on the shop that is on our property that I pay the mortgage for, the electricity used to run his tools that I pay for, the cell phone in which he sets up jobs etc that I pay for, all which produce the goods in which he pays his help and blows the rest on junk. And then borrows from me when broke. He went a got a laptop at a rent a center he will have to pay out every month. He bought a 300 dollar guitar last week.

I essentially just blew up, told him it wasn't fair & it was going to stop. He said he would do better (heard that one a million times) He went and pawned the guitar but then had to use part of that money for the first laptop payment.

But most of all I told him I was an idiot for enabling him to do it. That he treated me that way because I made it so easy to do.

Sigh, it looks worse every day.

sailorjohn

OTOH, it looks better every day because you can at least see your part in all of it. Hey, don't minimize that, it's a start.