take2

It is 3:42am and my AH is still not home from his night at the bar which started at 8pm. He stopped calling aroung 11pm and I got ahold of him around 2am. He said he will be home by 3 and now he does not answer his phone. It just rings and rings. He has never pulled anything like this before. When I spoke with him at 2 he was so proud that he was not using tonight- so he says but where is he and why is he not picking up his cell!!!!! That was all he kept saying was that this was the first time he has gone out drinking- which he should not be doing- and not made the phone call for drugs. I just want to scream. I just want to fall asleep and be done worrying about him and what he is doing.

best

Easier said then done but this I know...A prayer first and then find a pillow works as I place others in God's hands has helped me sleep.
Other times...getting so tired that I had no choice but to sleep and thus make the next day out of sorts for lack of sleep.
I like the prayer and putting them in God's hands better. Staying awake doesn't get people home any faster.

splendra

((((take2))))

I have been where you are and I can assure you it only gets worse. I don't know much about your situation. I will read thru your posts so I can get better acquainted with you.

I can tell you this you might not feel you can at this point but I highly suggest yo get away from him. I really believe that being able to separate yourself from him will at very least save you. You are worth saving too by the way.

Addicts are so predictable. I bet he will have some kind of apology ready for you next time you see him. Look out cause they( our addicts) think when they apologize that it gives them some kind of special privilege to commence to walk all over us.

I hope I don't sound too harsh. You be gentle with yourself okay and don't believe anything he says that is not backed up by a complete turn around in his behavior.

Ann

I'm sorry you are going through this, and sadly, Splendra is right, it gets worse before it ever gets better, addiction is a progressive disease.

Alcohol is a drug, and even if not the drug of choice, usually leads right back to where they left off. A drug is a drug and until they find and accept total abstinance, it is unlikely anything will change.

My prayers go out for you, and for him, along with a bucket of hugs just for you.

Hugs

take2

My night went from bad to worse!!! He was arrested for DUI- he already lost his license for the past 12 years for 3 DUI's. Because he was driving without a license and he got a DUI that is an automatic 6 months in jail plus all the other crap that goes along with it!!! I got a call at 4am from the police to come get him.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((take2)))

Hugs - lots of them!

hello-kitty

Hugs and welcome. Maybe being arrested for DUI is a good thing! At least he didn't get in an accident and kill someone! Now the problem (at least the alcohol part of it) is out in the open and he will be forced to get some treatment.

I know it's hard on you but maybe you can get some rest knowing that he is safe and is going to have to suffer real consequences for real bad behavior. Consequences for actions are why people who drink and use drugs get sober/clean. If there are no consequences, there are no reasons to admit you have a problem and get help.

PS. Did you bail him out? Or did you let him sit and think about the path he is choosing?

Yesterdaysnumb

OMG! I'm soooo sooo sorry!! UGH! I hate that alcohol and drugs do this to people and families that aren't even taking it.


I pray that whatever happens... that you will find peace. I can only imagine. My husband is also facing charges. We'll see how that goes.

warrens

I'm so sorry, but I wrote the conclusion to this thread when I read your first message.

Why? Because I've been there. I cannot tell you how painful it is to learn that I was right.

All I can say is that I am 3 months sober, have regained my sanity, and my life. I thank god that I hurt no one and spent only hours in jail. I thank god that I am given this chance to reinvent myself. I am convinced that I will make this disaster into an opportunity. Perhaps your husband can as well.

godspeed,

warren

take2

I wish I could say that this has helped him to see the problem but NO!!! He thinks the world is out to get him and all he can do is worry about going away to jail!! So selfish! I also wish I could say that this was his first brush with the law lately but it is not. Last Saturday night he went out drinking with my exAH- no kidding- and they ended up fighting on the front lawn at 1am and the police were called. Ok this is so Jerry Springer and yet I live in a very wealthy area. So he was arrested last weekend for picking a fight with the cop- he goes to court on Monday for that and now on Tuesday for DUI, driving with suspended license, reckless driving, refusing breathalizer, failing language test and the list goes on and on. The real kicker is that at 3:08am when he was pulled over he was on the cell phone with hs dealer to buy coke!!!!! And yet he still thinks he did nothing wrong!!!
And as for the question did I bail him out? Yes... and I can't believe I did it!!! His mother last weekend told me to leave him there but I went anyway- my own fault! I woke up my kids- 5 and 7 y/o to get in the car and get stepdaddy out of jail!!! How pathetic is that and yet I am still holding on to this guy for dear life!! Help me!!!!

hello-kitty

Today is a new day take. Hugs to you. I can't help you but I think that reading and posting here is a good first step to helping yourself!

Have you thought about checking out an alanon meeting? It is so miserable being dragged through someone elses addiction. All you have to do is let go of the rope! :ghug3

warrens

Take2

You know something? He's right. The world IS out to get him. And for good reason. His behavior is a menace to others.

I hope that you will put your children and yourself first. Other than that I have no advice. Protect yourself and your children, Mother...

warren

take2

Thanks to everyone for your help. Today has been so horrible. He spoke to a lawyer and it looks like he will have a mandatory 6 months in jail. I can't believe that he is still blaming everyone but himself!! He told me the police were setting him up and he was going to fight it. Only positive is that he can go into rehab for 30 days as part of his sentence. He has never spent more than 3 days in a rehab once in his 23 years of addiction. I just don't know what I am going to tell my kids. What do you say when they ask where is stepdaddy?
As for our car that was impounded last night... I can't get it back until tomorrow morning when they open at 9am and then what? he keeps driving on a suspended license? Worst part is that I still have not spoken to anyone about last night. His family has no idea and usually they are such a support system for me but I think I will let him tell them when he is ready. I am just so out of my skin right now.

hello-kitty

Did you cause it?
Can you control it?
Can you cure it?

If not then let it go. Quite frankly, he's getting what he deserves. You (and he) should be greatful he didn't kill someone.

Have you thought about attending an alanon meeting (free) or talking to a counselor? It will help you learn how to live life with an addict/alcoholic in your life.

As far as the kids. You tell them the truth. Your step daddy did something very dangerous and illegal and now he must pay the consequences. You can use it as an example to them as to what not to do. Let it be a lesson to them.

cinderellawkids

Telll the kids daddy is getting help for a problem. Youd be surprised what kids at that age know. My AH says the same thing the justice system is bad, everyones against him blah blah. ALl I can do is stand back and wait if they are out to get him soon they will. Dont help him with any of his conseqiuences they are his and his to handle not yours.

jerect

(((((((hugs)))))))))

Your story is my worse fear. I always worry that my irresponsible AH will get picked up one night for a DUI.. One of my boundries is that if this situation ever arises and I pray nightly that it doesn't, that I will let him sit there untill he finds a way out on his own. I know it's easier said then done though.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

take2

Ok so here is the crazy part... that is a joke... it is ALL crazy!!! He throws in my face that I did not come to get him from jail the week before when he was taken in for disorderly conduct because he was drunk fighting on our front lawn at 1am!!! He now tells me that he doesn't trust me and that I don't have "his back" no matter what? I really think the 23 years of cocaine/ alcohol abuse has really warped his sense of reality!!

I did do something that upset me today... I went with a friend to pick up the car from being impounded and he did not go with me- which I really wanted. But he did pay the $350 to get the car out. I'm not using my money for that! In fact, I think I am in real need of another pair of shoes!!!

Anyway, today he told me that he hit his rock bottom with this last DUI- not like I belive him!! What... it only took 4 DUI's? My only saving grace is that he will be forced to get help and who knows maybe someone will strike a nerve in him to see reality.

BayAreaPhoenix

I'm with you Take2, I wouldn't believe him about rock bottom either.

I go to NA meetings as well as therapy and Alanon. I work for a man is 19/20 year recovery. Since all this came to light, you can imagine the questions I have gone to him with as "the expert". He finally said I should see for myself what people who were really trying to help themselves act like and took me into the rooms with him. There are people in there with 24 hrs. to 20+ years clean time, and it's an education. I realize the 12 step program is not the ONLY way to go, but I think it is more successful than others.

You're sticking up for yourself and holding your boundaries! That's great. I'm sure your AH is not happy about this and the whole can't trust you thing, etc. is just a way for you to prove to him just how much he can trust you and how much you do have his back by taking care of everything for him like you used to always do. With each new boundary that you stick to, at least for a while, the pressure and guilt that will be heaped on you for "not putting him first" will be amazing. Stay strong!

As for the craziness of an alternate reality - you are correct I believe, he does have a warped sense of reality impacted by years of drug abuse. I struggled with this for a very long time during my marriage, I couldn't understand how my AH had such different experiences than me. (this was before I even knew there was an addiction issue!). He would get defensive and tell me he had the right to his opinion, so I would usually try to understand "it" from his perspective and it usually always left me feeling confused. I finally heard something that helped me understand, it wasn't perspective at all. Someone told me this little "story" - At an intersection there was a car accident. There was someone standing at each corner that saw the accident, my AH was one of them. When the police came and asked the witnesses about the accident they did get different perspectives from three of the witnesses, but all 3 of those witnesses agreed that there was an accident. The 4th witness, my AH, said "what accident?".

How are you holding up?

take2

OMG that story made me laugh so hard. Thank you so much for putting that smile on my face! How true!!! I am holding up but only by a thread! But hey that is something, right? You said something that struck me about different sense of realities. My AH always tells me that we have a communication problem and how much it upsets him that he says blue and I hear green. I tell him there is no problem it is just that he says blue and has no clue that he means green! He has no idea the lies he tells and the webs he spins. To him it is all the truth but what he doesn't see is that he is so engrossed in his addiction that I have learned his lies and what he really means.