so hurt and upset
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
so hurt and upset
I am so sick of it all.....I've (once again) found RAH perusing adult personals on the web. He is a recovering crack addict but his primary addiction is sex. He has lied and lied to me so much and now catching him in this latest lie is such a blow. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me for over a year now. The worst mistake that I have ever made in my life was marrying him. All of his promises were just clouds of smoke to trick me into marrying him. I know I know - lying is what addicts do. And now he asks "what did I do to deserve this? I have repeatedly asked him to move out but he won't leave. I have a friend that is a family court judge and she said that I can get a court order but that it is difficult to do. On top of that - he started a major addition on my almost paid for home....without my permission...just went and started bulldozing it. It is now half way done and he has spent like a drunken sailor.....using the home equity line. I was manipulated and bullied and I succumbed and now I hate myself for being so gullible and weak. Even if he leaves I can't afford the home equity loan and will have to sell my home that was all mine. That is - if he even finishes the house. He is a general contractor but he won't finish it if he leaves. So - I have to wait until he finishes it and then figure out what to do. I no longer love him - he has turned into a tyrant.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
Ouch. That is a very big blow. I'm so sorry to hear this.
Do you think that maybe it's time to make the break with him? As horrible as it would be to lose what's yours because of something like this, it might be a huge blessing in disguise. It would be a complete disconnection with the past and all the unwanted memories that would surround you in the house even without him there. It would give you a wonderful chance to start *totally* fresh.
Of course saying this is *far* easier than doing it. I understand that. But the payoff would be so much more healthy for you.
Just a thought...
Do you think that maybe it's time to make the break with him? As horrible as it would be to lose what's yours because of something like this, it might be a huge blessing in disguise. It would be a complete disconnection with the past and all the unwanted memories that would surround you in the house even without him there. It would give you a wonderful chance to start *totally* fresh.
Of course saying this is *far* easier than doing it. I understand that. But the payoff would be so much more healthy for you.
Just a thought...
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Awhhh Donna, I hate to see you in this much pain. I feel as if your post is filled with everything that has been building up and all the worries that have been stuck in your head for awhile. It's good to get them all out, but now...Breathe. Back to the basics...One step, one moment at a time. I see a lot of projecting about what will happen if and you know that will bring you down. Break it into little pieces, do what you can, a tiny step at a time and let HP help steer you through this, okay? I suspect that now that you are to a point of knowing you have reached that period of "enough already", just asking him for help will reveal answers you never would have suspected.
What I DO know, sweetie is that you deserve so much more than to be treated in this way. You have worked very hard to make your marriage work and you have every right to happiness and to live in peace and not be verbally abused.
I want to tell you not to hate yourself, but I know how much I hate myself when I do things that I feel like I should have known better. So I understand how you feel, but please know that I don't hate you..I love you. Your "crime" is you are a kind and loving person. When I feel self loathing now, I have been trying to ask my HP to help me learn to forgive myself the way he always forgives me.
I wish I had answers, i wish I could help you fix this. All I can offer is my prayers, support and a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen. Please if you need to talk, pm me and we can get in touch. Hang in there, my friend. You have been a shining light to me and helped me walk this journey...I am so very grateful for you. Please let us share our light with you now to help you through this dark period.
What I DO know, sweetie is that you deserve so much more than to be treated in this way. You have worked very hard to make your marriage work and you have every right to happiness and to live in peace and not be verbally abused.
I want to tell you not to hate yourself, but I know how much I hate myself when I do things that I feel like I should have known better. So I understand how you feel, but please know that I don't hate you..I love you. Your "crime" is you are a kind and loving person. When I feel self loathing now, I have been trying to ask my HP to help me learn to forgive myself the way he always forgives me.
I wish I had answers, i wish I could help you fix this. All I can offer is my prayers, support and a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen. Please if you need to talk, pm me and we can get in touch. Hang in there, my friend. You have been a shining light to me and helped me walk this journey...I am so very grateful for you. Please let us share our light with you now to help you through this dark period.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Any way you can hire another contractor to finish it faster? I know it would dip more into your finances, but your AH could be blowing the money on things that have nothing to do with fixing up a house.
I guess I would talk to a lawyer, someone who knows this kind of stuff, and see what your options are. Make plans to be free of it. This new project is just another way to make himself needed and useful.
I guess I would talk to a lawyer, someone who knows this kind of stuff, and see what your options are. Make plans to be free of it. This new project is just another way to make himself needed and useful.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I hear ya ((((lightseeker)))) I am so sorry this is happening right now.
My H has taken my computer down a few times with his surfing habits.
I am in a very similar situation. He hasn't started an addition but there are many unfinished projects around here.
I have been asking him to leave for quite sometime I guess he just hasn't found someone to move in with that would be willing to support him and his habits. My H has a pending court date which could get him out of my hair and allow me to gain some strength and resolve if he goes to jail.
He has totally crushed the love I used to feel for him with his addiction and lack of responsibility for himself or his family. My heart is broken but I know it can heal.
I don't know if you have thought of this but you could wait until he gets the addition enclosed not finished but closed in enough to keep the weather out and then kick him to the curb. Later you could get someone to finish it for you.
I have to do something soon too this cannot go on I want my life back. I know almost any direction I go in that is away from him is the right direction. So that gives me lots of choices... I will come and help you hang tarp over it unfinished if you want me to. I live in NC.
My H has taken my computer down a few times with his surfing habits.
I am in a very similar situation. He hasn't started an addition but there are many unfinished projects around here.
I have been asking him to leave for quite sometime I guess he just hasn't found someone to move in with that would be willing to support him and his habits. My H has a pending court date which could get him out of my hair and allow me to gain some strength and resolve if he goes to jail.
He has totally crushed the love I used to feel for him with his addiction and lack of responsibility for himself or his family. My heart is broken but I know it can heal.
I don't know if you have thought of this but you could wait until he gets the addition enclosed not finished but closed in enough to keep the weather out and then kick him to the curb. Later you could get someone to finish it for you.
I have to do something soon too this cannot go on I want my life back. I know almost any direction I go in that is away from him is the right direction. So that gives me lots of choices... I will come and help you hang tarp over it unfinished if you want me to. I live in NC.
Last edited by splendra; 05-14-2008 at 02:44 AM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
((Lightseeker))
Sometimes it's worth it to give something up in order to find our inner peace and freedom.
Maybe talk to a lawyer and see what you can salvage if you wanted to end this without drawing it out for years.
Emotional and verbal abuse are abuses just as painful as physical abuse. Please don't stay in that situation, you are worth so very much better than all this. Nobody has to stay in an abusive relationship even if held financially hostage. Let your lawyer protect your rights and you protect your well being.
When you have a stronger day, maybe let this despair prompt you to take action to move forward with your life.
Hugs
Sometimes it's worth it to give something up in order to find our inner peace and freedom.
Maybe talk to a lawyer and see what you can salvage if you wanted to end this without drawing it out for years.
Emotional and verbal abuse are abuses just as painful as physical abuse. Please don't stay in that situation, you are worth so very much better than all this. Nobody has to stay in an abusive relationship even if held financially hostage. Let your lawyer protect your rights and you protect your well being.
When you have a stronger day, maybe let this despair prompt you to take action to move forward with your life.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Big hugs to you Donna...
I am so sorry to read your post. You have tried SO HARD to do what is right and you probably feel like you've been sucker punched right about now. Its so unfair.
I found myself in a very similar situation with my exah before finally leaving him and divorcing him. We had a really beautiful marital home...two acres on a lake...very private, park-like setting...I had invested almost everything I had and all of my blood, sweat and tears into that place and I always envisioned that THIS would be my home forever. I loved that house so much.
I was in so much financial trouble due to exah's addiction that eventually I just had to let the home go back to the bank in lieu of foreclosure. I lost all the equity I had in it not to mention a whole lifetime of dreams and hopes. The house represented so much more to me than a house...it represented a lot of years of hard work...Losing it hurt so bad I can't even tell you.
I had to start over from scratch. I managed to find a cute little home in the neighborhood I grew up in and although this house is nothing like the one I lost, I am happy here because its all mine.
I used to lie awake at night and worry that I would never be able to find or afford another home and yet I did find a way out of that mess and I landed in a wonderful little home. My HP didn't let me down...he led me to a wonderful new home. What turned out to be the worst thing that could ever happen...the thing I fought against and cursed and worried about for the longest time ended up being a pathway to a better, more peaceful existence. Things not only turned out okay...they turned out great...as soon as I let go of the struggle and let whatever was going to happen, happen.
I don't know if your situation is as dire as mine was financially. I know the thought of losing your home probably scares the hell out of you. I'm sure the though of losing it signifies the death of your dreams on some level. Hopefully it won't come to that...hopefully you will be able to find a way to minimize the damage your AH is doing with the home equity line of credit. Perhaps a meeting with an attorney would be a good idea? Its always good to be educated about our options, ya know?
Just try to remember that your HP has you covered. He will provide for you and lead you to a better place...trust in Him.... and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Big hugs...
I am so sorry to read your post. You have tried SO HARD to do what is right and you probably feel like you've been sucker punched right about now. Its so unfair.
I found myself in a very similar situation with my exah before finally leaving him and divorcing him. We had a really beautiful marital home...two acres on a lake...very private, park-like setting...I had invested almost everything I had and all of my blood, sweat and tears into that place and I always envisioned that THIS would be my home forever. I loved that house so much.
I was in so much financial trouble due to exah's addiction that eventually I just had to let the home go back to the bank in lieu of foreclosure. I lost all the equity I had in it not to mention a whole lifetime of dreams and hopes. The house represented so much more to me than a house...it represented a lot of years of hard work...Losing it hurt so bad I can't even tell you.
I had to start over from scratch. I managed to find a cute little home in the neighborhood I grew up in and although this house is nothing like the one I lost, I am happy here because its all mine.
I used to lie awake at night and worry that I would never be able to find or afford another home and yet I did find a way out of that mess and I landed in a wonderful little home. My HP didn't let me down...he led me to a wonderful new home. What turned out to be the worst thing that could ever happen...the thing I fought against and cursed and worried about for the longest time ended up being a pathway to a better, more peaceful existence. Things not only turned out okay...they turned out great...as soon as I let go of the struggle and let whatever was going to happen, happen.
I don't know if your situation is as dire as mine was financially. I know the thought of losing your home probably scares the hell out of you. I'm sure the though of losing it signifies the death of your dreams on some level. Hopefully it won't come to that...hopefully you will be able to find a way to minimize the damage your AH is doing with the home equity line of credit. Perhaps a meeting with an attorney would be a good idea? Its always good to be educated about our options, ya know?
Just try to remember that your HP has you covered. He will provide for you and lead you to a better place...trust in Him.... and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Big hugs...
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
ohhh ((((donna)))
I don't have time to read the replies you got as i'm in the hospital now (waiting for labour to start!) but i want to say that i'm sorry to hear that. Somehow i thought you were happily married. I must have lost a wagon somewhere but, of course, as i was absent for nearly a year. I am so sorry i wasn't here for you all this time.
You seem to know already what you will do and not loving him anymore will make it easier, a bit. Anyway, no matter what, i'm thinking of you and sending you all my best wishes and hugs
Carine
I don't have time to read the replies you got as i'm in the hospital now (waiting for labour to start!) but i want to say that i'm sorry to hear that. Somehow i thought you were happily married. I must have lost a wagon somewhere but, of course, as i was absent for nearly a year. I am so sorry i wasn't here for you all this time.
You seem to know already what you will do and not loving him anymore will make it easier, a bit. Anyway, no matter what, i'm thinking of you and sending you all my best wishes and hugs
Carine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
thank you thank you thank you my wonderful friends. I'm only checking in for a sec - he stepped over the edge this am and became physically abusive. I am at my mom's and moving into an apartment tomorrow (HP saved me on this one - my sis is moving out tomorrow and has the rent paid through the end of June - will check to see if I can keep a month to month rental). Will respond to all tomorrow.......thank you for your prayers and support.
PS CARRINE! Good labor thoughts heading out to you.
PS CARRINE! Good labor thoughts heading out to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
Lightseeker, I hope you can find some help for your situation. I can relate all too well. Wherever you are, that is home. You don't need a house to have a home. Home is where the light of your love and your HP love shines and protects. I hope you are able to sort things through; victim's advocates can be very helpful for resources and legal help... but please know this: you can do this and you can do it the right way, the first time from here on out. ((hug from one 'escapee' to the other))
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