take2

I am so lost again and I don't even know how it happend! I call myself take2 but I still have not learned a thing. For years I posted under a different name b/c of my exah- who I left because I wanted more out of life. What did I find? I am now married to an alcoholic/ addict. My AH DOC is anything he can get his hands on but mostly cocaine- which he uses at least 4-5 times a week. I am in worse shape then before. Only difference is that I love my new AH and am having a harder time letting go. I thought I would write to sort this all out.
So here I am sitting on my couch ALONE again while he is out in a bar getting drunk which will only lead to him using again. So I remind myself, I can not control what he will do tonight only what I will do. I will try my best to free my mind of his problems and worry about me. Easier said than done!
Someone slap me with a sense of reality... I'll give you some facts...
1. In 1 1/2 years marriage, he has not paid a single bill in the house- I pay the mortgage and ALL the bills- yet he wastes about $500/ week on drugs. We live in the house I bought by myself when I divorced my ex and he rents out his house he had before me so he has NO expenses!! Thank god I have a great job that I can take care of myself and my kids with no problem.
2. I take care of ALL household responsibilities- cooking, cleaning, shopping, kids, (mine- not with him), laundry, yard work. He doesn't even pay for the food in the house.
3. He sleeps on the couch all day after he uses and gets up in time to go to work- he owns his own business which I have taken care of for the past few years.
4. I make excuses, which I realy think he believes as reality when he does not make it into work.
5. I no longer speak with my family like I did before- the people who have always been there for me!

I went from an alcoholic that was at least home everynight and took care of some family responsibilities to an addict that lies to me constantly!!! His own family tells me that I should leave him because I deserve more than he can give. They have detached- why can't I? Sitting here byself, AGAIN, I know this is not the life I want!!

peaceteach

Awww, honey, you're here now. You just need to write it out like you did above to see the futility of your situation. I think we all love or loved our A's. But love just isn't enough against addiction. Only HE can make that choice, and he doesn't sound very close to wanting to be sober. You do realize you are making it very easy for him to use, don't you? Almost like you are giving him free reign to drink and party, with your blessing and assurance that you'll take care of all the real life stuff so he can escape into his alcohol and drugs.

take2

Reading my post makes me want to scream. Am I that affraid to be alone that I stay in this horrible situation to avoid being that "single" parent? I mean seriously, what does he possibly have to offer me? I don't trust him at all and I know that he is always scamming. He does NOTHING for me to make my life any easier and yet I subject myself to this everyday! This is crazy!! He treats me like crap, puts me down constantly, makes me feel crazy- who wouldn't be in this situation? I am constantly finding myself dealing with him when he is using. I swear I use everything in me to detach and stay away but somehow he finds a way to bring me into it! Then he turns it all around and makes it all my fault. I just wish I could relax right now and get a good nights sleep but I know it won't happen. He will call from the bar in a hour or so and that will continue for hours- he will tell me he will be home in 20 minutes and that will really mean hours. This is so crazy! What am I doing?

serenityqueen

I don't have any words of wisdom or suggestions to give you. I know that I used to attract these kind of men like stink on $hit. After nearly three years in Recovery from drugs and alcohol and many years of therapy I realized that I didn't attract these men, I sought them out. I didn't feel as though I deserved any better. I saw what I thought was some poor unfortunate guy who was just down on his luck and I thought if I loved him enough, he would turn his life around and we'd live happily ever after.

I'm happy to see that you realize that you cannot change him. I do hope you find the courage to get out of this marriage that sounds like a dead end. From the standpoint of the Addict/Alcoholic, the longer you enable him, the more he will take advantage of you. I know, like I said, I am in Recovery. I had many who enabled me.

God Bless,
Judy

ZombieWife

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. You are strong. You have a good job, can support yourself (and a deadbeat drug user.) You made it this far. I have no reason to believe that you can't find happiness. You just need to take inventory and see what will and will not live with. What you will tolerate, what you won't tolerate.

What does he say if/when you bring up the fact that you pay for ALL the bills?