NEVEREnds

I think today may be the day that I rid myself of this nightmare!!!! My AH pulled something today that has me livid and I don't want to say or do anything out of anger but I am totally humiliated .. He has been doing some odd jobs with my dad to make ends meet so I basically have covered up his using from my dad for the past 6 months so that he would be able to work and make some money and help me out with bills, etc. (which he HASN'T) Well today he was to go look at a job with my dad and he had my dad running around like a yo-yo ... My AH had use of my car today (stupid on my part) because he had "errands" to run and then was going to meet my dad at my office and leave me my car ... WELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! My dad got here and I called my H who said he thought that my dad was gonna bring me home to get the car .. Soooooooooo we went to get the car at home and I went inside and could tell instantly that he was using ... Well I left to go to my sisters and my dad waited outside for him in the car ... HE NEVER CAME OUT .. My dad went in and called his name a few times and he didn't answer him ... Now my dad knows he was inside and put 2 and 2 together .... Now I feel that it's one thing if he messes with me .. It's my choice to deal with it..but he's messing with my dad and his work ... My AH also blew my father off last Thursday because he was using and doesn't answer his phone when he uses so my dad had to put off this job until today which wound up he has to put it off AGAIN .. I'm so upset, embarrassed and confused ... I can't believe he did this to my dad ... and to me ... I don't know how to handle this ... My dad isn't stupid and knows what is going on ... I stopped home on my way back to work because something always says "what if he is hurt or stopped breather" and he was on the couch and I reemed into him ... Told him he has to get his stuff together and get out!!!!!!!!! Once and for all ... Pray for me that I can hold up to that ...

And thank you for letting me VENT ... Feels so much better just to get it out ...

BayAreaPhoenix

(((NEVER)))

I wish there was something to say...

I can tell you, I wish I hadn't covered for my AH with my family and with his. Even tho I didn't know about the addiction, his behavior was really unacceptable and inconsiderate a lot of the time. I think that I would have gotten strength from others really knowing who he was. Does that make sense? Our families aren't ones to muddle, but I'm sure that after all these years, I would have gotten feed-back (wow, he's always sick, or whatever) - I think I managed to convince myself of the "normal" excuses I gave and failed to really see just how not normal and unhappy my life was.

I will send you lots of prayers and hugs!

Cupicake

That's how I felt...
Hurt me but don't you dare hurt my family. It's different when we make the choice to stay versus family members suffering because we choose to stay. Although, I have to say, my parents hurt just as much watching me get deeper and deeper into my exah's addiction.
They do notice even before we say anything. We are their children after all and even though they don't know everything about us anymore they do know when we exhibit changes in our behavior and over all demeanor.

NEVEREnds

My family is suffering too knowing what I allowed myself to put up with for 12 years. How much life has been wasted ... And now he directly affected my father .. his business .. Not sure how I am going to deal with this and it's almost time to go home and face the music ...

cinderellawkids

Remember these were his actions not yours. Your family loves you unconditionally. Be honest with your dad completely and tell him why you didnt tell him in advance and that you really thought he wouldnt do that to him.

Stay strong

BJW

Your anger and frustration has propelled you into taking action, which can be a good thing. Laying down the law (setting boundaries) are good things too. So is venting. There came a point in my life where I said "no more", so I completely get where you're coming from.

I'm sorry you're family is now involved, but in all likelihood they knew something was off before today. My guess is they love you and will be there to support and help.

So will we.
Keep venting. It's good to get the junk out.

NEVEREnds

Thank you all so much for your support. I can't express how much it means and helps ... I think this did push me to make a drastic move and I gave him until the end of this month to find a place to go. I told him I would put it in writing because I will not change my mind this time because I don't want to be in this same position in 6 months from now. I'm DONE!!!! I hope I can stick to you ...I have every intention of making this time stick!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you all AGAIN.. Not sure I could have gotten to this point without all the great support and strong words ....

Lots of hugs and love ...

itisatruth

:praying

I'm thinking of the serenity prayer and praying that you have the courage to stay strong.
((((((NEVEREnds))))).

As I read your post and the replies, I feel like I'm reading my own life story. Exactly four people in my family know about my situation: my mom, my son, my step-son, and one cousin. My dad......I'm sure has an idea, but I have never had the guts to openly tell him. I guess I don't want to disappoint. He is my model of success, so telling him in a way would make me feel like a failure in his eyes.

Like Cupicake said, don't mess with my family.

You can do this.

If its hard to rely on just yourself, think of me....... I'm looking for the strength to do the same thing and seeing you find happiness and peace just might help me. (j/k for the most part)

Big, bear hugs for you tonight!

Rica

BindereDunnat

In February, I finally left my AH of 12 years- Of that twelve, he had maybe about a year and a half "sober" (although during that "sobriety," he still drank, and i do suspect he was doing other things..)

I had used up all the excuses, and just... couldn't do it anymore. Since I left, he has shown no signs of having hit "bottom" and beginning to claw his way back up. No. It's been his reason for using even harder. ("it's YOUR fault. You KNEW I had a problem! You LET this happen..." blahhh blahhh blahhhh.)
And now I've abandoned him, just like he always knew I would, Whaaaaa. (nothing like a self-fulfilling prophecy)

I know exactly how you feel. He's unreliable, he maniuplates everyone he possibly can, exploiting every possible angle to get what HE wants, and rarely, if ever comes through with his part of the bargain. He "borrows" tools from friends, relatives, neighbors, bosses- and they end up "stolen" .. which means he pawned them for more crack.

Stick to your guns. Fortify your boundaries! Because you said it: You don't want to be in the same position in six months. It'll be difficult.. but it's time to start worrying about YOU, not about him and his childish antics.

I wish you well with your Dad and other family members. If anything, I'm sure your Dad will be angry with the AH, and not with YOU for loving your AH and trying to honor him, in sickness and in health.

I was so worried, when I was mustering up the strength to Leave- what his family would think, what MY family would think... And really, across the board, the primary response was "Well, what TOOK you so LONG??"

Keep coming back here, too. Even if you don't post, read, read, read!

Our situation is a horrifyingly common one. There are universal themes here. No need to suffer all alone and in silence. It's good just to hang out here, and know that you're not alone! Other people have been there, and ARE there, right now.

Best of luck to you.

ZombieWife

I understand completely. You already feel like you have to lie for them, to save face for them, to save face for yourself, to avoid embarrassment. And then they go and frack it up.

/big hug