Is Reality ever their Reality?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Is Reality ever their Reality?
I can't seem to get off the rhetorical questions these last two weeks!
Honest to Pete, I understand where it's coming from and I get that AH is projecting his own mind-set. I don't try to reason with it, or talk to it or anything like that, but it's his tone!
That tone of voice. I call it "Lord of the Manor". As soon as I hear it - no matter what he's saying, this is what I want to do
. The arrogance, and the things he has the nerve to say to ME - in that tone! Wants to protect himself from ME taking things that are his, or dividing equally, etc. ME, who has always looked out after HIM and made sure HE was always looked after.
It's one of my last BIG buttons. I don't let on, or at least I don't let on just how much, this irritates the beejeezle out of me.
Honestly, except for the few things I've mentioned, I do think mostly what I heard in words today were quack quack quack, but when that quacking is in that tone! How do I get past that? I can think of a pine tree shaped fridge that is NOT blue. That helps, it blocks the words... but ...
Thanks for letting me get this out.
By the way - did I mention his tone???
Honest to Pete, I understand where it's coming from and I get that AH is projecting his own mind-set. I don't try to reason with it, or talk to it or anything like that, but it's his tone!
That tone of voice. I call it "Lord of the Manor". As soon as I hear it - no matter what he's saying, this is what I want to do
. The arrogance, and the things he has the nerve to say to ME - in that tone! Wants to protect himself from ME taking things that are his, or dividing equally, etc. ME, who has always looked out after HIM and made sure HE was always looked after. It's one of my last BIG buttons. I don't let on, or at least I don't let on just how much, this irritates the beejeezle out of me.
Honestly, except for the few things I've mentioned, I do think mostly what I heard in words today were quack quack quack, but when that quacking is in that tone! How do I get past that? I can think of a pine tree shaped fridge that is NOT blue. That helps, it blocks the words... but ...
Thanks for letting me get this out.
By the way - did I mention his tone???
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
I don't know what to say to that other than I understand that tone, and I'm trying very hard not to curse like a sailor when I think of that tone. They're just such fools at this stage. Such incredible fools and all I think is you need a damn good spanking, how could you have lived this long and not know what an ass you are...but me thinks that may not work. :-)
Good luck, it's NOT YOU!!!!!!
P.S. "Lord of the Manor"... I'm so keeping that and passing it off as my own.
Good luck, it's NOT YOU!!!!!!
P.S. "Lord of the Manor"... I'm so keeping that and passing it off as my own.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
He still quacks after you hit him with the pan??
Seriously though, where's the gratitude?? That's what I wonder. When my AH gets (partially) back to a more normal person, its like he forgets all about the past. Now I'm all for the not living in the past, but at least give us some credit for time served!
OK now that I got that out. As with most things, time can heal so much. Soon, he will not be around to quack in any tone anymore. Also, you may find that over time, the reasons why it bugs you might just fade. That's what I'm hoping for you. You can't change him as you know, but you have that power over how how you deal with your own feelings.....not always easy, but worth the effort in the long run.
Maybe you need something new, besides the pine tree. Hey I know, picture that molerat! That ought to be fun!
(((hugs)))
Seriously though, where's the gratitude?? That's what I wonder. When my AH gets (partially) back to a more normal person, its like he forgets all about the past. Now I'm all for the not living in the past, but at least give us some credit for time served!
OK now that I got that out. As with most things, time can heal so much. Soon, he will not be around to quack in any tone anymore. Also, you may find that over time, the reasons why it bugs you might just fade. That's what I'm hoping for you. You can't change him as you know, but you have that power over how how you deal with your own feelings.....not always easy, but worth the effort in the long run.
Maybe you need something new, besides the pine tree. Hey I know, picture that molerat! That ought to be fun!
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Seriously - ever real reality?
So, this is probably confusing in a way, and I don't want to go into the long detail. The deal is, he gets the $ to my atty. in cashier's check and I'm outta here in a month! No check (certified, cashiers, etc. so we know it's good), I don't go. He wants to start this "month" on June 1st. I said fine, so long as my atty. has the funds, all the legal stuff, ... Well, should be fine, but might not all get released for a few weeks - and if for some reason it falls thru, I'll have had a few "free weeks".
Uh, excuse me? I can't lease anything or put down earnest money to buy something without knowing the funds are actually there. It could cost me thousands of dollars if it doesn't go thru. The month will start as agreed when the funds are with my atty. What's the big deal (I ask myself - not out loud). Nope, I'm unreasonable, holding everything up, stomps away how ridiculous I am.
Prior to this outburst, he was "Lord of the Manor" - so you can imagine my tongue is just about in half.
Reality - here, there, anywhere? It does not exist in my house below the 10th step - Up here in my "tower" we have blue skies, yellow walls, etc. I'm not sure if the sky downstairs has purple and green polka dots or not, but I'm going to take a wild stab that it just might
His addiction is way worse than I have any idea - isn't it? I mean, yes this is narcissistic behavior too, but I have a funny feeling this is just more indication that he's a lot further gone than I have really any clue about.
I'm close. I can feel it. I just have to not push or rush, stay the course, patience, eyes and ears open, flexible, HP is guiding me - I can feel the pull, I just have to keep the faith!
Wish me luck (and ear plugs!)
So, this is probably confusing in a way, and I don't want to go into the long detail. The deal is, he gets the $ to my atty. in cashier's check and I'm outta here in a month! No check (certified, cashiers, etc. so we know it's good), I don't go. He wants to start this "month" on June 1st. I said fine, so long as my atty. has the funds, all the legal stuff, ... Well, should be fine, but might not all get released for a few weeks - and if for some reason it falls thru, I'll have had a few "free weeks".
Uh, excuse me? I can't lease anything or put down earnest money to buy something without knowing the funds are actually there. It could cost me thousands of dollars if it doesn't go thru. The month will start as agreed when the funds are with my atty. What's the big deal (I ask myself - not out loud). Nope, I'm unreasonable, holding everything up, stomps away how ridiculous I am.
Prior to this outburst, he was "Lord of the Manor" - so you can imagine my tongue is just about in half.
Reality - here, there, anywhere? It does not exist in my house below the 10th step - Up here in my "tower" we have blue skies, yellow walls, etc. I'm not sure if the sky downstairs has purple and green polka dots or not, but I'm going to take a wild stab that it just might
His addiction is way worse than I have any idea - isn't it? I mean, yes this is narcissistic behavior too, but I have a funny feeling this is just more indication that he's a lot further gone than I have really any clue about.
I'm close. I can feel it. I just have to not push or rush, stay the course, patience, eyes and ears open, flexible, HP is guiding me - I can feel the pull, I just have to keep the faith!
Wish me luck (and ear plugs!)
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
With my AH, I think that when he was high, the Codeine was giving him confidence. He felt like he was on top of the world, and could do anything. Of course, this was far, far from the truth. However, he kept believing that the codeine was making him interesting, funny, smart, etc. I started to get very embarrassed by his behavior. He would be obviously high & slurring his speech, but he thought that he sounded/looked cool, cool, cool.
Also, I think it was a defense mechanism. When he was on codeine, he would start getting really uppity with me--I was doing ___, ___, and ___ wrong. I think he actually had low self-confidence about himself, and was trying to hide that with his attitude and "lord of the manor" voice.
Whatever it is, I'm sure you are really looking forward to getting away from it!!! Trust yourself. You have been proceeding carefully and working with your lawyer. No matter what his tone, it doesn't matter.
Also, I think it was a defense mechanism. When he was on codeine, he would start getting really uppity with me--I was doing ___, ___, and ___ wrong. I think he actually had low self-confidence about himself, and was trying to hide that with his attitude and "lord of the manor" voice.
Whatever it is, I'm sure you are really looking forward to getting away from it!!! Trust yourself. You have been proceeding carefully and working with your lawyer. No matter what his tone, it doesn't matter.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Hang in
Oh CW..... You are one strong woman. Hang in there, you are on the path to peace. I know that you know, that I am sure we are married to the same man. It's not you, hon. I am going thru all most an identical situation. BUT, I am waiting... although most days not as patiently as I should be... for him to get his act together and get out.
He thinks I should just hand him a fist full of money and then he will go on his merry way. REALITY issue again. It doesn't work quite that way. Unfortunately, because, like you I always took care of things.... he just thinks that all he has to do is "want" and he gets... no work involved. WRONG! Guess he finally got his invitation to the grown up world.
One thing that gives me some comfort sometimes, is to know that I have done everything that I could to help the situation. I have done everything that I could to love him and to try to make our marriage work. He owns his choices and his addiction.... that is something I finally understand that I can't fix. I can't make him grow up, see how much he has to lose, or appreciate me. I just need to know that I am not crazy and that I have done what I could to live a good and giving life.
Hang in! My AH is supposed to be out by end of June too!!! There we go again w/those parallel lives!
: )
He thinks I should just hand him a fist full of money and then he will go on his merry way. REALITY issue again. It doesn't work quite that way. Unfortunately, because, like you I always took care of things.... he just thinks that all he has to do is "want" and he gets... no work involved. WRONG! Guess he finally got his invitation to the grown up world.
One thing that gives me some comfort sometimes, is to know that I have done everything that I could to help the situation. I have done everything that I could to love him and to try to make our marriage work. He owns his choices and his addiction.... that is something I finally understand that I can't fix. I can't make him grow up, see how much he has to lose, or appreciate me. I just need to know that I am not crazy and that I have done what I could to live a good and giving life.
Hang in! My AH is supposed to be out by end of June too!!! There we go again w/those parallel lives!
: )
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((CW)))
I love the pine-tree-shaped fridge that isn't blue
I think you are doing great. He is probably using that tone, because he knows it irritates you. Yes, he's in his own reality (which is probably very far from the "real" reality), but he is also striking out in any way he can because he realizes he is losing control of you. We addicts don't LIKE reality and when it is thrown in our face, we lash out in any way we can...usually at the people closest to us and the ones we can still get a reaction out of.
Hang in there, sweetie...you're almost out of the chaos.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I love the pine-tree-shaped fridge that isn't blue
I think you are doing great. He is probably using that tone, because he knows it irritates you. Yes, he's in his own reality (which is probably very far from the "real" reality), but he is also striking out in any way he can because he realizes he is losing control of you. We addicts don't LIKE reality and when it is thrown in our face, we lash out in any way we can...usually at the people closest to us and the ones we can still get a reaction out of.
Hang in there, sweetie...you're almost out of the chaos.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
My ExH was also Lord of the Manor, and he was sober. I know how fun that is. Okay this is what I did, I would look like I was listening but was thinking of so many other things. My ex was worse during the divorce, he felt I should be happy for whatever he offered, after 15 yrs of marriage. I listened to my lawyer, so please do what your says. You have less than a month, and your HP will be there walking with you every step of every day until and after that day. I will lend a hand in hitting him with the frying pan, and think it is my exh.
Good luck in the next month.
Sending you hugs and prayers
Good luck in the next month.
Sending you hugs and prayers
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
We addicts don't LIKE reality and when it is thrown in our face, we lash out in any way we can...usually at the people closest to us and the ones we can still get a reaction out of.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
he just thinks that all he has to do is "want" and he gets... no work involved.
That one is universal I guess... There is part of me that enjoys introducing him to my reality. Saying you want something in my life basically guarantees it's the one thing you won't be getting.
I know I've said this before, but so much we blame on drugs. Not every sober addict is a nice person, a good person, or even someone you'd want to talk to in the grocery store. There isn't always a good person at the core. Sometimes they're wonderful... don't get me wrong. But sometimes a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, high or sober.
I'm just sayin'...
That one is universal I guess... There is part of me that enjoys introducing him to my reality. Saying you want something in my life basically guarantees it's the one thing you won't be getting.
I know I've said this before, but so much we blame on drugs. Not every sober addict is a nice person, a good person, or even someone you'd want to talk to in the grocery store. There isn't always a good person at the core. Sometimes they're wonderful... don't get me wrong. But sometimes a jerk is a jerk is a jerk, high or sober.
I'm just sayin'...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
When our focus shifts from the addict to our own health and recovery, when we start setting boundaries and improving our own lives - I think that their mental illness starts to become even more apparent.
I have moved past the stage of being incredulous & shocked by my ex's actions to a stage of pity and sadness that he is so completely removed from reality.
His psychosis doesn't affect me anymore. He is only hurting himself.
I have moved past the stage of being incredulous & shocked by my ex's actions to a stage of pity and sadness that he is so completely removed from reality.
His psychosis doesn't affect me anymore. He is only hurting himself.
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