trying to detach, increased manipultion from addict???
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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trying to detach, increased manipultion from addict???
So, for once in two years I did something for ME.. I entered a 10K race... ran the race on Saturday and I did pretty good. I felt so proud of myself! For once, I took care of me and it felt so good!!!
Problem is, I felt like my AH was resentful because of it... I mean he did all of the things he was supposed to do. He came to the race with me and stood on the sidelines and said he was proud of me but I really think he was angry about it. I think he was upset because some of my attention was taken away from HIM! We got in a big fight the night before the race because I was on the computer putting new songs on my ipod and he was upset because I wasn't spending any time with him?!?!? So, I went downstairs to spend some time with him and he was still being short with me so I just went to bed. So, of course the drama continued; he came upstairs while I was trying to sleep (I had to get up at 4:30AM) and told me he was moving out because he was sick of MY bullS*&T!?! (Did you catch that... MY BULLS*%T????? Not his crap but my crap?) Of course after he matured about ten years he came back upstairs and woke me up and said he was sorry. He got up with me the next day to go to the race but I felt like he was trying to ruin MY EXPERIENCE because it had nothing to do with him.
We got into another fight when we got home from the race... WHEW... so tiring that just for one day he couldn't focus on ME instead of himself... but anyway this fight was about how he thinks I act like I can't stand to be around him and that I act like I don't love him and I don't show him any affection. He says he wants me to back off but when I do then he says that I don't love him... He is smoking pot right now and of course he says he is going to stop but he hasn't yet... Hopefully he will make it to his therapist appointment today!
Just venting really but has anyone else shared the same experiences? :wtf2
Problem is, I felt like my AH was resentful because of it... I mean he did all of the things he was supposed to do. He came to the race with me and stood on the sidelines and said he was proud of me but I really think he was angry about it. I think he was upset because some of my attention was taken away from HIM! We got in a big fight the night before the race because I was on the computer putting new songs on my ipod and he was upset because I wasn't spending any time with him?!?!? So, I went downstairs to spend some time with him and he was still being short with me so I just went to bed. So, of course the drama continued; he came upstairs while I was trying to sleep (I had to get up at 4:30AM) and told me he was moving out because he was sick of MY bullS*&T!?! (Did you catch that... MY BULLS*%T????? Not his crap but my crap?) Of course after he matured about ten years he came back upstairs and woke me up and said he was sorry. He got up with me the next day to go to the race but I felt like he was trying to ruin MY EXPERIENCE because it had nothing to do with him.
We got into another fight when we got home from the race... WHEW... so tiring that just for one day he couldn't focus on ME instead of himself... but anyway this fight was about how he thinks I act like I can't stand to be around him and that I act like I don't love him and I don't show him any affection. He says he wants me to back off but when I do then he says that I don't love him... He is smoking pot right now and of course he says he is going to stop but he hasn't yet... Hopefully he will make it to his therapist appointment today!
Just venting really but has anyone else shared the same experiences? :wtf2
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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daisylady: you are right on in your assessment. His addiction is very uncomfortable with the focus being off him. The good news is that after you focusing on yourself more and not getting involved with the ensuing arguments that he will try to get going, your addict will give it up. Be prepared, though, that until he accepts this "new you" he will up the ante to hook you back in. Fight the desire to engage in arguments with him. And be prepared that he may feel so threatened that he will leave you. When he tries to engage you, that's a good time for you to come up with some standard phrases such as "oh, really?" I don't know your situation, but sometimes those occasions are good times to touch your loved one on the arm and tell him you love him.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
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Daisylady,
Congratulations on your accomplishment - Way to Go - that's awesome!!
My best tool in dealing with these type of "talk" from any A - is to repeat to myself "My refrigerator isn't BLUE."
And if you have never heard that story let me give it too you - In my early days of the program (al-anon) my sponsor and I were having a discussion, she asked me to go to my kitchen, what color is your refrigerator? she asked. I said "it's beige." She said "no it's not it's blue." I replied "No, it's beige"
She said "we could have this arguement all night long, the facts would never change, your refrigerator isn't blue, but the longer I keep telling you that it is, the more you will keep insisting it isn't, eventually you will begin to doubt yourself, and give up your serenity over something that you know isn't true. Why allow someone else to have that much power over you? You know what color your refrigerator is?"
You know that all these things that your AH is telling you that YOU are doing wrong really has nothing to do with the issue at hand. It is about the disease and the fact that the disease is in charge of his life, not recovery.
So you can let him quack, quack, quack - Your refrigerator is NOT blue.
Keep doing what is good, healthy and recovery oriented for you. When he tries to start those arguments, you can give him the answers like . . .
"I hate you feel that way."
"You could be right."
"Oh really I didn't see it that way."
"Hmm that's interesting, let me think about it." -In your mind you can say, My refrigerator's NOT blue, then roll over and go back to sleep!
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Congratulations on your accomplishment - Way to Go - that's awesome!!
My best tool in dealing with these type of "talk" from any A - is to repeat to myself "My refrigerator isn't BLUE."
And if you have never heard that story let me give it too you - In my early days of the program (al-anon) my sponsor and I were having a discussion, she asked me to go to my kitchen, what color is your refrigerator? she asked. I said "it's beige." She said "no it's not it's blue." I replied "No, it's beige"
She said "we could have this arguement all night long, the facts would never change, your refrigerator isn't blue, but the longer I keep telling you that it is, the more you will keep insisting it isn't, eventually you will begin to doubt yourself, and give up your serenity over something that you know isn't true. Why allow someone else to have that much power over you? You know what color your refrigerator is?"
You know that all these things that your AH is telling you that YOU are doing wrong really has nothing to do with the issue at hand. It is about the disease and the fact that the disease is in charge of his life, not recovery.
So you can let him quack, quack, quack - Your refrigerator is NOT blue.
Keep doing what is good, healthy and recovery oriented for you. When he tries to start those arguments, you can give him the answers like . . .
"I hate you feel that way."
"You could be right."
"Oh really I didn't see it that way."
"Hmm that's interesting, let me think about it." -In your mind you can say, My refrigerator's NOT blue, then roll over and go back to sleep!
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
They're like five year olds sometimes. Ignore the tantrums long enough and they'll stop doing negative things to get your attention. Sometimes I think the old way was better -- "If you don't stop I'll give you something to cry about!" -- but that's the sadist in me talking right now so never mind me 
I can spell manipulation but I damn sure can't run a 10k! Congrats to you!
Originally Posted by daisylady 
so I can run but can't spell I mean "Manipulation"
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Wow Daisy! Great job on the 10K! Don't let ANYTHING take that away from you, not one tiny little bit!
Reading posts like yours is like reading a page from my marriage at times. Maybe not quite as dramatic at times, and others more so - but from the outside looking at someone else's situation, it is so easy to see that walking away and hearing nothing but Quack, Quack, Quack would be the best and only way to go. But, when we're in the middle of it, it doesn't happen that way - until we practice some anyway.
I love the refrigerator isn't Blue! That's perfect. There have been a few others - someone says she looks at her A and sees a pine tree. I wish I could remember some of the others. They're all such helpful visuals!
Keep on taking care of you, and congrats on your run!
Reading posts like yours is like reading a page from my marriage at times. Maybe not quite as dramatic at times, and others more so - but from the outside looking at someone else's situation, it is so easy to see that walking away and hearing nothing but Quack, Quack, Quack would be the best and only way to go. But, when we're in the middle of it, it doesn't happen that way - until we practice some anyway.
I love the refrigerator isn't Blue! That's perfect. There have been a few others - someone says she looks at her A and sees a pine tree. I wish I could remember some of the others. They're all such helpful visuals!
Keep on taking care of you, and congrats on your run!
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