okay, i've got my guard up for the responses i'll get, but...
 

i've posted before about my concern for 21 AS's dog. he lives in an apartment, by himself. I know when he lived here with me, he would be gone all night, sleep all day. That was 1 1/2 years ago, and i figure my son is more into his addiction now. I cannot fathom that this son is able to care of this dog beyond feeding her. and he goes for stretches without a job. i would imagine my son goes through periods of himself not having any food to eat, much less food for the dog.

anyway, i've prayed about it a lot. my concern for the dog is not going away except for those times when i just say, "that dog is like a 'dead man walking'." so i'm thinking of using some clout in that when son's tax rebate comes here to tell son he can have the check if he lets me take care of the dog.

it is legal? no. is it controlling? yes. am i trying to control my son? no. am i trying to get the dog out of dysfunction and into a stable environment? yes.

son will surely be arrested on warrant, evicted, or just go on a "using vacation" and the last thing he will think of is to call somebody to take care of the dog.

any thoughts on this? (and this is where my guard is up because of the responses i will surely get)...

TIA

I have already told you my story of taking my daughter's dog. But I really wish I could have done it differently. At the time I took Megan's dog, she and I were not communicating at all. So I felt that Petey did not have anyone to really watch out for him. But if I had been communicating with Megan, I would have just made sure Petey had food and vet care, which is what I had been doing prior to us ending contact. I absolutely know that my daughter loves Petey and I absolutely know that he loves her. So I guess what I am saying is if you could maybe offer your son food and vet care for the dog with the understanding that should he ever feel that he can not take care of the dog, that he will give her to you. Dogs really can be couch potatoes and if they are loved and fed and taken to the vets, they can adapt to less than perfect situations. Talk to your son. See what he says. Hugs, Marle

thanks for your reply, marle

son cannot feed himself or keep up with rent, car barely runs, and so would not think of parting with what money he has to take dog to vet. i have told him to call me if he thinks he cannot take care of dog - but if he could assess the situation realistically from the dog's point of view and the dog's needs, he wouldn't be an addict would he? guess i'm saying that i cannot trust his judgement of whether he were taking care of the dog. i'm reminded of parents who cry hysterically when their children are taken away, saying they love them so much, yet those children lived in horrible conditions under the parent's tutilage (sp)...

IMHO- Try to focus on yourself. The dog is his issue.
He may not be taking care of much but this might be the one area he has to be respons. Aren't we suppose not to do what they ought to do for themselves?
You've made the offer...Let go as difficult as it might be for you.

How about:

Drop off some food.

Call the vet and tell him that you will pay the bills for this dog (if it ever gets there). And put the vet's number on the bag of food.

We all have to do what we have to do, until we can let go. I did a ton of stupid taking care of behaviors until I could let go of my teenagers. But it takes what it takes. Some folks would probably call the Humane Society, just like some have called Child Protective Services.

Then turn the dog and your son over to your Higher Power. He's up all night anyway.

I'm not the only one that has had to do this type of stuff with grandchildren. Including one of mine with neurological damage because the mother was taking pain meds. But I am single and self supporting and am not in a position to care of two boys. So I just love them and pray for them.

Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou
:Val004:

If there is neglect then by all means call the humane society or the ASPCA. There is nothing worse than neglecting a poor, defenseless animal and I feel better safe than sorry. As long as you are doing it for the animal and not to control the addict. Sometimes we need to look at our motives for doing things. Hugs, Marle

I agree with Marle. If you are in a position to know the dog is not being treated well, call the humane society or ASPCA and tell them your situation.

Addiction is no excuse for mistreating animals, even unintentionally by being unable to provide for their basic needs.

It's not codependent to do this, it's just a kind and humane way to assure an animal is safe and well cared for.

Hugs

i know for sure i'm not doing it to control my son but to help the dog.

when this son brought over the dog on Easter, he walked her outside for a couple of minutes before bringing her in. five minutes after being inside, she took a "dump" on the floor - did not even ask to go outside. when i asked son if the dog does this at his place, he just shrugged his shoulders, so my assumption is the apartment is also the dog's bathroom..... and i make more assumptions from that based on what i know of my son's life (no job, no car to speak of, partying, etc.) - and this son of mine is so "foggy" that he would think it "entertaining" to intentionally give the dog alcohol and/or leave opened bottles of alcohol sitting around for the dog to drink.

Another mom here...also raising RAS's dog.....my son's living situation (Recovery House) does not permit dogs so there was no choice...dog became mine but I will gladly return it when the time is right....

if you are very sure that the dog is not being taken care of and know that you are willing to take over I'd make the offer but I don't agree with holding his check hostage...
how about asking for the dog on a trial basis and see how it goes....son might realize he likes being freed from the chores of a dog and/or he might see the dog flourishing in your home and realize it is the best for the dog....

its a tough situation....I am a dog lover and feel bad if any animal is mistreated or neglected

if son refuses to part with dog I guess I'd supply bags of dried food (at the very least)....I'd offer to take dog to the vet....(rather than giving any $ that would prob never get used for a vet bill!)

Oh my...pets children spouses parents...there is no end to the lives hurt by addiction

As an avid animal lover here is what I would do. Don't offer him his rebate check but just take the dog anyway. You can maybe tell him that you know things are tough for him right now and that you would like to take the dog untill AS gets back on his feet. I personaly feel that this would not be considered enabling because you are truely concerned about the dog and you would not be supporting your son in any kind of way.

Sometimes the only voice an animal has is the human voice. The dog did not chose to live in that environment, your son chose the environment that the dog lives in and it's not fair to the dog. Once you rescue the dog, you can always find a nice home for it if you don't want to take care of it. Where I live, the humane society keeps dogs three days and then they put them down if they are not adopted:(

Do you think your son would be willing to give up the dog without a lot of hassel? Sooner or later the landlords are going to see what a mess the dog has made and make him get rid of it anyway.

i don't see him saying, "Yeah, mom, you're right. Things are tough for me right now, and it sure would help me out if you could take the dog til i get on my feet." But i do think i will give it a shot. Maybe if i offered $50 to take the dog off his hands.....

((sojourner))

I am a avid dog lover. I get madder than a wet hen when it comes to animals not being treated right. Yet here lies the problem that you face right now, even if you take the dog, nothing stops him from just getting another one. Then what? How many can you step in and rescue? It is a tough call either way.

B

Good point!

Don't know if holding his check is a good idea, but I agree you should save the dog. Does he ever ask to borrow money, if so just ask for the dog in return for loaning him the money. Or like you said offer him some money for it.

LOL ---- How bout we stick with the issue at hand and not project circumstances that may never come to fruition.....lets keep it in the now.....

I'm all for standing up for...........animals and children; they don't choose their environments/parents, they can't speak for themselves, they can't defend themselves......they need advocates, and sometimes that's us..... (o:


NoelleR

I too am an animal lover, get along better with animals than people a lot of the time.

Please don't withhold the check. Just go over, tell him you are taking the dog, take the dog and leave.

That is considered Animal Abuse in this state and subject to 18 months in jail. He should consider himself Lucky you don't report him.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

My daughter has not gotten another dog and her Petey has been living with us for over a year and a half. She threatened a couple of times but she and abf's lifestyle is not conducive to getting another pet. They need to spend all of their time finding and using drugs. Doesn't leave a lot of time to look for a pet. So don't let that stop you from doing what is necessary and if they find that he is neglecting or abusing the dog, the courts can prevent him from owning another animal. But that is not your job to decide. You need to just worry about what is in front of you right now. Hugs, Marle

i have come to realize that a huge part of son's stubbornness in this is that i have repeatedly said "no" to him in his requests to come back here to live and for money "loans." i'll lay odds that he is jealous of the fact that i will open up my home to this dog but not to King Son, so he digs in his heels about this.

thanks for letting me "work through this" in the counsel of others. waiting for him to ask for money or just flat out offering him money would probably be more palatable to him, but i'm sure his undies would be in a bunch in that i would give him money for the dog to have a better life but not for him!! but he does not have a job now, i'm pretty sure, so he might be open to that.

Were it me, the dog would already be out of there and safe with me. If your son goes through rehab and comes out the other side in one piece, what help will it be if he has to face that he was the cause of the death of an animal by starvation or whatnot? That kind of guilt can be utter and absolutely devastating/crippling.

Totally agree there.

Animals can't fend for themselves in situations like that. I'm just not one to sit by and let it happen. I think it's horribly cruel.

And so what if you open your door to the dog. The dog isn't doing drugs. The dog isn't choosing to abuse a substance. I'm not sure what I think about the idea of "sending the perfect message at any cost." I got reamed by some folks (not in a mean way) when I spoke about a baby next door that wasn't being properly cared for. Thankfully, the situation has since fixed itself (the baby is with another family member now and will likely stay there--safely.) I had the numbers in my hand and the information all ready, but was fortunate enough not to have to do that.

I know a dog isn't a human, but I guess I'm one of those folks who thinks that our humanity is evident by how we treat those who have lesser power than ourselves.