Why did I close the refrigerator door?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
i think that is just why i have to live alone right now.
i did so many codie things i get sick even thinking about it-and i didn't think i was the one with the problem!!!
i am worn out from it and afraid i will take that into another relationship
i FEEL now
and i like it
i did so many codie things i get sick even thinking about it-and i didn't think i was the one with the problem!!!
i am worn out from it and afraid i will take that into another relationship
i FEEL now
and i like it
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I realize I need more space from my H. It seems his attachment to me has become like gum stuck on my shoe on a hot summer day. I need to not be supporting him and I know continuing to do so has pulled me way down. It is like I have a 165 lb 58 year old two year old. Which means he has 52 years of experience in depending on someone else. I think I could grant him a double PhD in manipulation.
I know if I kick him out he will harass me to the point that I have to take legal means against him. I do not like doing business with the law and I do not trust the government to not use it against me somehow. Although he does have a court date coming up that could send him to jail if he has not became employed and is paying his child support. Which would completely solve some of my problems until he can get out but by then I am sure I will have gained strength.
If he gets a job it might make it easier to get him out because he will have some money. In the mean time I am going to pay very careful attention to when I am being manipulated.
No more "automatic fool" thanx ((((jehnifer)))) for that one...
I know if I kick him out he will harass me to the point that I have to take legal means against him. I do not like doing business with the law and I do not trust the government to not use it against me somehow. Although he does have a court date coming up that could send him to jail if he has not became employed and is paying his child support. Which would completely solve some of my problems until he can get out but by then I am sure I will have gained strength.
If he gets a job it might make it easier to get him out because he will have some money. In the mean time I am going to pay very careful attention to when I am being manipulated.
No more "automatic fool" thanx ((((jehnifer)))) for that one...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
My "AUTOMATIC" button must be HUGE! I have come to realize that I do everything automatically for everyone. They ask...I do. My AH does the same thing....fix him something to eat, walk the dog,... And I do it for my kids. I have now stopped picking up everyone's dirty clothes. My son now goes to school with dirty uniforms if he couldn't bother to bring them downstairs. I now pick up after dinner even if they couldn't stop what they were doing to eat. Why should I have to wait? I use to run to do everything for my friend. I stopped. She wants to know why I never come to visit! We live 1 hour apart....guess she doesn't want to pay for the gas. I can go on and on. It is so amazing how I relate to so many of everyone's posts. I have begun to smile, relizing that that I did the same thing!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for this post... exactly what I needed to read today. I can totally relate.
I have been beating myself up because yesterday my AH was pretty stuck - he had basically over-committed himself and was unable to pick up his son. I didn't feel like it was my problem to step in and rescue him. He was angry with me of course and I have been questioning if I did the right thing, but reading this reminds me that I need to take care of myself and not jump up and 'close the refrigerator'!
My two year-old's preschool teacher likes to say 'Don't do anything that they are capable of doing for themselves'... I like to think you can apply it to most anyone!
I have been beating myself up because yesterday my AH was pretty stuck - he had basically over-committed himself and was unable to pick up his son. I didn't feel like it was my problem to step in and rescue him. He was angry with me of course and I have been questioning if I did the right thing, but reading this reminds me that I need to take care of myself and not jump up and 'close the refrigerator'!
My two year-old's preschool teacher likes to say 'Don't do anything that they are capable of doing for themselves'... I like to think you can apply it to most anyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Great posts - thanks to all of you. I need constant reminders to "act right". So easy to slip back into old behavior.
I figured out that "they trained me really well" - but "I can untrain myself".
Another thing that really helps me when I have to say no to someone, or am trying to avoid a huge conflict:
The 3 Bs:
Be kind
Be brief
and
Be gone
Be kind: I put a smile on my face (fake or real, doesn't matter).
Be brief: (no one listens to more than 2 sentences) I say what I need to: gee I wish I could but I can't (my new favorite)
Be gone: Take off. I'm going downstairs - or to the bathroom (that's a great one - even "they" won't follow me there) - or if I really have to escape, I say I'm going on an errand and get in the car.
Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou
P.S. A real awakening for me was when I realized it really does take two people to have an argument - duh! And I can drop my end of the rope anytime I want to. I was such a slow learner. Luckily, I have lots of alcoholics and addicts in my life, so if one gets sober, I still have more to practice on.
I figured out that "they trained me really well" - but "I can untrain myself".
Another thing that really helps me when I have to say no to someone, or am trying to avoid a huge conflict:
The 3 Bs:
Be kind
Be brief
and
Be gone
Be kind: I put a smile on my face (fake or real, doesn't matter).
Be brief: (no one listens to more than 2 sentences) I say what I need to: gee I wish I could but I can't (my new favorite)
Be gone: Take off. I'm going downstairs - or to the bathroom (that's a great one - even "they" won't follow me there) - or if I really have to escape, I say I'm going on an errand and get in the car.
Love in recovery,
Dottie Lou
P.S. A real awakening for me was when I realized it really does take two people to have an argument - duh! And I can drop my end of the rope anytime I want to. I was such a slow learner. Luckily, I have lots of alcoholics and addicts in my life, so if one gets sober, I still have more to practice on.
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by Jody Helper
Luckily, I have lots of alcoholics and addicts in my life, so if one gets sober, I still have more to practice on.
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Update:
Well for the past several weeks I haven't jumped to do anything anyone says to do. H has made a few suggestions for me and I just say with a big ole smile on my face, "then you do it"
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
WOW! Learning so much from this thread!
(I'm kind of a "shut the fridgie door" person too!)
But I'm getting better every day!
Plus, I'm a kind of "I need my space person" too, which is not going to happen for a while, around here...
Having someone near you 24/7, no matter how much you love them, begins to grate on your nerves after a bit....
Think I'm going to take me for a walk today out in the back 40....
(I'm kind of a "shut the fridgie door" person too!)
But I'm getting better every day!
Plus, I'm a kind of "I need my space person" too, which is not going to happen for a while, around here...
Having someone near you 24/7, no matter how much you love them, begins to grate on your nerves after a bit....
Think I'm going to take me for a walk today out in the back 40....
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm reposting but touches the subject
My older sober son lives with me and his 2 large dogs, one night while everyone was in bed except Mr. Rahsue one of "my sons" dogs threw up in the living room where Mr. Rahsue was watching tv. What do you think he did? you guessed it comes and wakes ME up, not my son, and certainly doesn't want to clean it up himself. Well, thanks to my wonderful new found friends here, I said, "not my dog, not my problem" and turned over and went back to sleep. He stood next to the bed for a good 30 seconds I guess trying to figure out what to do next.
My older sober son lives with me and his 2 large dogs, one night while everyone was in bed except Mr. Rahsue one of "my sons" dogs threw up in the living room where Mr. Rahsue was watching tv. What do you think he did? you guessed it comes and wakes ME up, not my son, and certainly doesn't want to clean it up himself. Well, thanks to my wonderful new found friends here, I said, "not my dog, not my problem" and turned over and went back to sleep. He stood next to the bed for a good 30 seconds I guess trying to figure out what to do next.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Wow, I used to do the same thing. Let me walk over burning coals to make sure YOU don't have to do that, honey!! 
I think I've swung over too far to the other side now, though, so I try to stop and think.
Sometimes, "the X needs doing" is someone's passive-aggressive way of saying, "you know, you did X again" (leaving fridge doors open, lights on, milk out, toilet paper roll empty, etc.)
My first thought always goes to this, especially if someone else's paycheck is paying the energy bills, they're stuck in the bathroom without paper, etc. Is he asking because he's trying to point this out to me without being directly confrontational? Did I have something to do with it? Or is he just being helpless, both hands broken, lazy?
Figuring out somebody's motivation sometimes means one less thing to argue about.
I think I've swung over too far to the other side now, though, so I try to stop and think.Sometimes, "the X needs doing" is someone's passive-aggressive way of saying, "you know, you did X again" (leaving fridge doors open, lights on, milk out, toilet paper roll empty, etc.)
My first thought always goes to this, especially if someone else's paycheck is paying the energy bills, they're stuck in the bathroom without paper, etc. Is he asking because he's trying to point this out to me without being directly confrontational? Did I have something to do with it? Or is he just being helpless, both hands broken, lazy?
Figuring out somebody's motivation sometimes means one less thing to argue about.
the girl can't help it
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Figuring out somebody's motivation sometimes means one less thing to argue about.
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