baby due any days now but he's still shooting up
turning red!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
baby due any days now but he's still shooting up
Dear friends,
My heart is so heavy right now.
How can he do that? How, why, how, why why why whyyyyy...
Ok, i already know the answer: because he is an addict, and that's what addicts do.
Still it's not a confort.
It's just heart breaking.
I know he loves me deeply and i know he loves his soon-to-be borned daughter already like crazy. But he can't stop himself, he has absolutely no control over his addiction. Gosh my friends, you should see his body: he has marks EVERYWHERE. Even on his chest! (which means he does/did inject over there too..) How crazy is that :'( Don't even know how he is still alive.
Found a "hidden" serynge in the bathroom, still full of blue liquid. I think it's some sleeping pills like dormicum or something, which he mixes with heroin. geezzz...
As some of you might remember, he is on probation now and obviously he is not doing good (he was ok last week though, sticking to methadon). Should i call his officer and tell her to get him urine tested and sent to rehab now? Originaly he was supposed to be sent to rehab after i give birth.
I really don't know what to do as i'm torned in two: one part of me wants him out as soon as possible but the other part of me wants him there for the birth of his baby. I don't think i can manage labour without him, i'll be soooo depressed if he's not there to hold my hand. If he was completly out of his head everyday then that'll be easier for me to kick him out now. But he is not everyday like that and he is actually helpful for cleaning and buying baby stuff and hugging and supporting me.
One thing is for sure though, i'll be glad when he'll be in rehab. But for today i really don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening,
Carine
My heart is so heavy right now.
How can he do that? How, why, how, why why why whyyyyy...
Ok, i already know the answer: because he is an addict, and that's what addicts do.
Still it's not a confort.
It's just heart breaking.
I know he loves me deeply and i know he loves his soon-to-be borned daughter already like crazy. But he can't stop himself, he has absolutely no control over his addiction. Gosh my friends, you should see his body: he has marks EVERYWHERE. Even on his chest! (which means he does/did inject over there too..) How crazy is that :'( Don't even know how he is still alive.
Found a "hidden" serynge in the bathroom, still full of blue liquid. I think it's some sleeping pills like dormicum or something, which he mixes with heroin. geezzz...
As some of you might remember, he is on probation now and obviously he is not doing good (he was ok last week though, sticking to methadon). Should i call his officer and tell her to get him urine tested and sent to rehab now? Originaly he was supposed to be sent to rehab after i give birth.
I really don't know what to do as i'm torned in two: one part of me wants him out as soon as possible but the other part of me wants him there for the birth of his baby. I don't think i can manage labour without him, i'll be soooo depressed if he's not there to hold my hand. If he was completly out of his head everyday then that'll be easier for me to kick him out now. But he is not everyday like that and he is actually helpful for cleaning and buying baby stuff and hugging and supporting me.
One thing is for sure though, i'll be glad when he'll be in rehab. But for today i really don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening,
Carine
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Carine, has he applied for rehab yet? Often there is a wait of several weeks.
My thoughts are that if he is willing, then as soon as possible may be the best time. His life may depend on it. If he's not willing, then there is no point.
My prayers go out for all of you, and with him or without him I just know you and the baby will be fine.
Hugs
My thoughts are that if he is willing, then as soon as possible may be the best time. His life may depend on it. If he's not willing, then there is no point.
My prayers go out for all of you, and with him or without him I just know you and the baby will be fine.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Carine,
Why don't you offer it up to him when he sobers up a little. It could be his choice. Meanwhile, you need to work on the detachment and possibly plan on going through the birthing with someone else. Even if he is around at the time still and not in rehab, he may not be able to assist you. Start working on plan B, just for your own peace of mind. Sending you prayers for a healthy birth of your little daughter!
Why don't you offer it up to him when he sobers up a little. It could be his choice. Meanwhile, you need to work on the detachment and possibly plan on going through the birthing with someone else. Even if he is around at the time still and not in rehab, he may not be able to assist you. Start working on plan B, just for your own peace of mind. Sending you prayers for a healthy birth of your little daughter!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some mom hugs your way. You are in a really tough situation. You are right when you say that Rain loves you and the baby. But my daughter has told me what a hold heroin has on her and how it makes you not think about anything else except to stop the hurting. Prayers for an easy birth and that Rain will find a way to be there for you and your daughter. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Carine,
Sending you mum hugs too. Do what is best for you and your little one. Can your mum come early and be with you during labor? If she can than maybe it would make it easier on you having her there too, in case Rain can't help as much as you both want him to.
Take care of you and get plenty of rest, since once she arrives you will be up all hours of the night. Yes Rain loves you both, and you are also right in saying he is doing what addicts do.
Let us know her name and when she is born.
Love and prayers for all of you
Sending you mum hugs too. Do what is best for you and your little one. Can your mum come early and be with you during labor? If she can than maybe it would make it easier on you having her there too, in case Rain can't help as much as you both want him to.
Take care of you and get plenty of rest, since once she arrives you will be up all hours of the night. Yes Rain loves you both, and you are also right in saying he is doing what addicts do.
Let us know her name and when she is born.
Love and prayers for all of you
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Oh Funk how I know how you feel.. No one can suggest what to do in regards to calling his PO. I would say see if you could make plans to have someone with you in addition to Rain. You need a back up plan so you dont need to be alone for the birth.
I had my sister be with me for the birth of Michael.... abf was there but he reeked of alcohol... slept while I was in the hospital room when I was waiting to have to push. There was a little comfort in having him there for the birth of our child but then he was unable to be attentive to me, show any affection... at that time he was way deep in addiction. This is a tough one... but from experience I say focus on YOU, and your baby. You cant help him anymore it has to be from him. In a month or so your going to see things from a total different light.. dont let Rain bring you down, keep posting.
hugs,
Jewelz
I had my sister be with me for the birth of Michael.... abf was there but he reeked of alcohol... slept while I was in the hospital room when I was waiting to have to push. There was a little comfort in having him there for the birth of our child but then he was unable to be attentive to me, show any affection... at that time he was way deep in addiction. This is a tough one... but from experience I say focus on YOU, and your baby. You cant help him anymore it has to be from him. In a month or so your going to see things from a total different light.. dont let Rain bring you down, keep posting.
hugs,
Jewelz
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
sending you hugs, love, and support. I can understand how torn you are but it sounds like Rain is in a particularly bad place and spiraling. Why not make the call and find out some more of the options? I know that you want him there but consider the concept of the spiritual and energetic presence that is capable of being everywhere. Whether Rain's body is there during your labor and birth he is with you in all the other ways. Just try and open your mind and spirit to all of the possibilities of presence.
When I gave birth everyone else disappeared (in my mind) but the angel that was my nurse. Have you considered having a doula? That way some of the pressure is off whether Rain is there or not. That way you wouldn't be thinking that you might be there alone. Just a practical option to consider.
So many changes and I know that you are reeling and feeling the depths of all the emotions that are passing through. Stories and lifetimes that attach us to addicts are complex and demanding. You are a strong and wonderful woman. If I was anywhere near the other side of the world I'd be right there - providing you with hugs, love, and physical support...with the intention, too, of allowing all of those things to come through me for all of the people that aren't able to be there in person.
Love you girl....Donna
When I gave birth everyone else disappeared (in my mind) but the angel that was my nurse. Have you considered having a doula? That way some of the pressure is off whether Rain is there or not. That way you wouldn't be thinking that you might be there alone. Just a practical option to consider.
So many changes and I know that you are reeling and feeling the depths of all the emotions that are passing through. Stories and lifetimes that attach us to addicts are complex and demanding. You are a strong and wonderful woman. If I was anywhere near the other side of the world I'd be right there - providing you with hugs, love, and physical support...with the intention, too, of allowing all of those things to come through me for all of the people that aren't able to be there in person.
Love you girl....Donna
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
So many words of wisdom.
I'm sure he wants to be there when the baby is born, but wouldn't it be better if he was sober for her first this and first that. There is so much he can do when he is sober.
Going to rehab now rather then later just sounds like a better plan. I wish all the best for you and rain and your baby girl.
I'm sure he wants to be there when the baby is born, but wouldn't it be better if he was sober for her first this and first that. There is so much he can do when he is sober.
Going to rehab now rather then later just sounds like a better plan. I wish all the best for you and rain and your baby girl.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hey sweetie, know you are loved and prayed for ((hugs)).
What I remember from labor, is that I was pretty dang focused on my body and my new baby... I really didn't have much awareness of WHOSE hand I was holding, and actually got much comfort from some of the mom-nurses who had "been there, done that".
So please don't feel badly if he misses the birth - baby needs (and expects!) two fully-functioning parents in her life. The sooner he can do that, the better. Why not ask HIM to call and request rehab sooner... it is his choice to find sobriety, and if he isn't ready to make that call, you "sending" him to rehab won't make a whit of difference.
I wish you the best. ((Carine))
What I remember from labor, is that I was pretty dang focused on my body and my new baby... I really didn't have much awareness of WHOSE hand I was holding, and actually got much comfort from some of the mom-nurses who had "been there, done that".
So please don't feel badly if he misses the birth - baby needs (and expects!) two fully-functioning parents in her life. The sooner he can do that, the better. Why not ask HIM to call and request rehab sooner... it is his choice to find sobriety, and if he isn't ready to make that call, you "sending" him to rehab won't make a whit of difference.
I wish you the best. ((Carine))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Carine,
Goodness, I am so excited that we're going to see our baby "cyber" girl soon!
As for Rain, I'm thinking he'll know when he's ready to go, no sense in you worrying your pretty little head about it. If you should suggest it now, maybe he's just not ready...yet.
What a tremendous struggle for him, I imagine, wanting to be sober for you and the baby, and yet the addiction keeps winning. I have high hopes for Rain, I pray his time for recovery comes soon.
Now YOU, go do something good for YOU!
Hugs, to you, and
your belly...LOL
Goodness, I am so excited that we're going to see our baby "cyber" girl soon!
As for Rain, I'm thinking he'll know when he's ready to go, no sense in you worrying your pretty little head about it. If you should suggest it now, maybe he's just not ready...yet.
What a tremendous struggle for him, I imagine, wanting to be sober for you and the baby, and yet the addiction keeps winning. I have high hopes for Rain, I pray his time for recovery comes soon.
Now YOU, go do something good for YOU!
Hugs, to you, and
your belly...LOL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Corine, I am so sorry. You need peace and no distractions from this beautiful upcoming moment. Only you can decide what will bring you peace.
I have 3 children. The 2nd my ex, then spouse was arrested 40 minutes after I gave birth. He saw the birth, left to get food never returned. My third my AH was drunk and high the weekend before, went into labor Monday, he was sober for the day, saw the delivery, left to get me balloons, came back 20 minutes later drunk, with balloons, bouncing around said he was going to the bathroom and disappeared until 2 days later just before I was released, spent those days not cleaning the house but all cracked up. I allowed my childrens first precious moments to be stolen by worry anger and anxiety. I would love to go back and find peace in those moments, do whatever you need to do to get that, have friends come to hospital to be with you, take you home ect.
I have 3 children. The 2nd my ex, then spouse was arrested 40 minutes after I gave birth. He saw the birth, left to get food never returned. My third my AH was drunk and high the weekend before, went into labor Monday, he was sober for the day, saw the delivery, left to get me balloons, came back 20 minutes later drunk, with balloons, bouncing around said he was going to the bathroom and disappeared until 2 days later just before I was released, spent those days not cleaning the house but all cracked up. I allowed my childrens first precious moments to be stolen by worry anger and anxiety. I would love to go back and find peace in those moments, do whatever you need to do to get that, have friends come to hospital to be with you, take you home ect.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Corine,
My question to is will he be there for your daughters birth? I mean be there body and soul. Talk to his PO see what he thinks, or talk to someone to see if he does get arrested and put in to a rehab that some cannot take him to the birth of his daughter.
The choice is yours and yours alone. YOu do not need the added stress on you at this time.
My question to is will he be there for your daughters birth? I mean be there body and soul. Talk to his PO see what he thinks, or talk to someone to see if he does get arrested and put in to a rehab that some cannot take him to the birth of his daughter.
The choice is yours and yours alone. YOu do not need the added stress on you at this time.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Funky....
Kick start those recovery tools we learned together girl!
You have them in your arsenal.
I am sorry that you are going through this especially during your pregnancy. I know you've tried 100 times over to make things work for you and Rain. He's likely binging because he knows that after you give birth he needs to go to rehab. He's in his own addict panic mode.
Rain may not be there for the birth 100% but you can make sure that you are there for yourself and your daughter 100%. Right now everything is and should be about you (keep that focus) not about Rain and his addiction.
Many many hugs to you.
Kick start those recovery tools we learned together girl!
You have them in your arsenal.
I am sorry that you are going through this especially during your pregnancy. I know you've tried 100 times over to make things work for you and Rain. He's likely binging because he knows that after you give birth he needs to go to rehab. He's in his own addict panic mode.
Rain may not be there for the birth 100% but you can make sure that you are there for yourself and your daughter 100%. Right now everything is and should be about you (keep that focus) not about Rain and his addiction.
Many many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Do you have alternate plans for someone to go with you into labor and delivery? Because I had to go through most of labor and delivery alone (cuz the babies dad was busy getting high) and it sure would have been nice to have someone there! Granted the epidural and the drugs kind of knocked me out so the experience was tolerable. But it sure wasn't joyous.
The deal is my ex left me at the hospital to go get a "movie" and didn't come back for hours. I laid in that hospital bed having contractions all by myself. I felt a little stupid. The nurse kept asking me, do you have anyone coming honey??!! Then my (now) ex finally came back higher than a kite and was absolutely NO USE at all - not that I cared at that point since I was busy pushing out a baby. Then he crashed for the next 48 hours while I was in recovery, taking care of a new baby. He slept more than my infant did!
What's Rain going to do, shoot up in the hospital bathroom to stave off the withdrawals while you are having a baby? I don't mean that to sound harsh but I hope you've thought about it realistically. I know you want him there, but even if he's there physically, he probably won't be there mentally. Just count on that for now.
Even if he was clean and sober, he's still a man.... women are just better about the whole delivery thing.
Do you have alternate plans? Someone else lined up to take you to the hospital or a female friend or family member to hang out with you while you are in labor? It's always good to have a plan B... you know... just in case? This is a childs life we are talking about. Rain can take care of himself. Your baby needs YOU!
That said, you'll do just fine. But that last thing you need to be stressing over is the babies dad. Cuz it's really about you and the baby now.
The deal is my ex left me at the hospital to go get a "movie" and didn't come back for hours. I laid in that hospital bed having contractions all by myself. I felt a little stupid. The nurse kept asking me, do you have anyone coming honey??!! Then my (now) ex finally came back higher than a kite and was absolutely NO USE at all - not that I cared at that point since I was busy pushing out a baby. Then he crashed for the next 48 hours while I was in recovery, taking care of a new baby. He slept more than my infant did!
What's Rain going to do, shoot up in the hospital bathroom to stave off the withdrawals while you are having a baby? I don't mean that to sound harsh but I hope you've thought about it realistically. I know you want him there, but even if he's there physically, he probably won't be there mentally. Just count on that for now.
Even if he was clean and sober, he's still a man.... women are just better about the whole delivery thing.
Do you have alternate plans? Someone else lined up to take you to the hospital or a female friend or family member to hang out with you while you are in labor? It's always good to have a plan B... you know... just in case? This is a childs life we are talking about. Rain can take care of himself. Your baby needs YOU!
That said, you'll do just fine. But that last thing you need to be stressing over is the babies dad. Cuz it's really about you and the baby now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
oh funk, we've been here along time. I remember you were one of the first to post to me............I also remember you asking him to leave your "flat" you helping him detox in your home, you taking trips without him and showing strong recovery traits and even heartbreak over the last couple of years..............
But now you have this special little gift coming into your life and I know how much you love Rain, but the moment you hold that little one you will then feel a different kind of love one that wont compare to Rain or anything else you have ever felt............
and as much as you want him there with you...............when the time comes that shes here and if rain comes to be with you...but hes slipping off the the bathroom in the hospital to shoot up.............is he really there? And would you really want him holding this tiny fragile presious gift that you have?
Noone can tell you want is best to do...............you must follow your heart but its not just you anymore, its you and the precious baby and you both deserve more than Rain has to offer right now............
hugs, and you are in my thoughts...........so sorry that this has to be so difficult for you at a time like this..........
But now you have this special little gift coming into your life and I know how much you love Rain, but the moment you hold that little one you will then feel a different kind of love one that wont compare to Rain or anything else you have ever felt............
and as much as you want him there with you...............when the time comes that shes here and if rain comes to be with you...but hes slipping off the the bathroom in the hospital to shoot up.............is he really there? And would you really want him holding this tiny fragile presious gift that you have?
Noone can tell you want is best to do...............you must follow your heart but its not just you anymore, its you and the precious baby and you both deserve more than Rain has to offer right now............
hugs, and you are in my thoughts...........so sorry that this has to be so difficult for you at a time like this..........
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Carine, I remember the same things liesagain remembers. It has been a long time. Before you only had yourself to consider but now there is a baby. Do whatever you think is best but the sooner he gets to a rehab the better. ( IMHO )
Please take care of yourself,
Diane
Please take care of yourself,
Diane
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Aww, sweetie. I'm sorry your going through this.
I really feel for ya.
You answered your own question why, though.
Because he's an addict and that's what they do.
Sending you gentle hugs, loads of prayers, and an
I-wish-I could -be-there-for ya smile. This baby is gonna
bring you so much joy, ya know? It'll be you and her against
the world. I can't wait for baby pics.
Try not to worry. Sending him early may be a good idea.
Yet, I know what you mean about being alone in labor.
That would stink, big time.
I pray he can get his shite together real soon. At least long
enough to be there for you and the baby until he does go to rehab.
Sending love and prayers,
I really feel for ya.
You answered your own question why, though.
Because he's an addict and that's what they do.
Sending you gentle hugs, loads of prayers, and an
I-wish-I could -be-there-for ya smile. This baby is gonna
bring you so much joy, ya know? It'll be you and her against
the world. I can't wait for baby pics.
Try not to worry. Sending him early may be a good idea.
Yet, I know what you mean about being alone in labor.
That would stink, big time.
I pray he can get his shite together real soon. At least long
enough to be there for you and the baby until he does go to rehab.
Sending love and prayers,
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