Yesterdaysnumb

It seems that there are never any "happy endings" when it comes to dating or being married to an addict. Everyone says "leave em", "it will only get worse", "think about the kids", "think about yourself!".

*sigh*

I'm just hoping that maybe... just maybe there will be a person on here that was an addict or was married to an addict that actually got themselves together and stepped up to the plate with the man or woman that put up with their stuff for so long. Please motivate the couples (including myself) that want to stay in their marriage and are praying for our spouses recovery.

hello-kitty

Sorry, for me, leaving him was the happy ending!!! I gave him a choice - drugs or me. He lied and said he chose me. I learned I could not trust him. I drew a boundary. He crossed it. I put him in God's hands and chose to focus on providing my child with a stable home environment. I think he has a better chance at recovery now that I'm not supporting him. He's that much closer to his bottom and that's all that can save him.

I am now doing what I can to ensure that his child doesn't grow up to be just like his father - addicted to drugs.

I still pray for him. But I don't try to control his choices anymore. I only control my own.

Serenity8

There are one or two people IRL at al-anon who say they stuck it out and have a happy ending. But most seem to have split up; even if their A significant other made their way through recovery. Seems that way here, too.

Chino

It isn't drug addiction, it's alcoholism, and it was my first post here. My uncle has been sober for over 30 years but was a binge drinker about 20 years. He's in his early 70's now. They celebrated their 50th anniversary a little while back.

She refused to leave him but she also refused to let him stay when he went on a roll. He was never abusive to her either. She took care of everything for herself and my cousins. Looking back, I'm not sure how she managed it all and still raised well adjusted kids who are now all very responsible adults.

I've never heard or seen a co-dependent word or behavior from her. Maybe co-dependency, or the recovery from it I should say, is the key?

11d

I know exactly how you feel. I am praying for one of those "happy endings" also! It is so hard when you know what could be. I wonder if we will ever find it again. My husband has been clean 6 months. I find him so different, like I really don't know him. I keep working my program and focusing on myself. It is just so hard.

Jody Hepler

I'm a double winner - active in Alanon and AA/NA.

Driving home from my third recovery birthday, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Cliff notes version: I was different in recovery - and he couldn't make the adjustment. Neither one of us has remarried.

Today I know it was best for both of us. And I am grateful that he stayed with me for the first three years until I could get back on my feet.

I've been happily single and sober and self supporting for almost 20 years. One thing I've learned: "It takes a heckuva man to take the place of no man at all".

Love in recovery,
Jody

Cupicake

I can't speak for anyone else but in my opinion I think we hit our bottom before they hit theirs...in most cases. When we hit our bottom we make the choice to crawl away from the consequences of their addiction and the emotional turmoil that comes along with it.

I personally had to leave because I no longer could endure the sleepless nights, the lying, the disappearing acts, the lack of participation in our marriage, the fear of where he was and if he was still alive. I was alone in every sense of the word even when he was physically there. The "good" days were no longer enough to sustain me for his next run. I hurt more than I felt good about myself or anything else for that matter.

There are people who recover and are still married to their spouse. I went to a family weekend at the first rehab my exah went to and the counselor talked about how his wife stuck by him and he is grateful everyday but he acknowledges that he put her through he** but al-anon played a pivotal role in her ability to stay. But she has to work her program everyday just like he works his.

There are a few people here who work their recovery everyday and are in active sobriety.

All in all, divorce was a choice but I don't think my exah left me much of a choice. He made it very clear where his devotion was when he was actively using. I gave him many chances...I gave him my time...and he chose drugs each time as my time whittled away.

Do I believe he made the choice to be an addict? "No". Nor do I believe he chose to lose so many things in his life as a result of being an addict but those are the consequences. But I do believe that when he went to rehab three different times and outpatient many times...when he started using again...he did make the choice to return to that life rather than fight for the life that he deserves. How long can you fight that as a spouse?

Just because many people have made the choice to leave doesn't mean you have to too.
We each need to find our own path but we can't find it if we don't walk it first. Walk your path and make your decisions from your own experiences. Always keep the focus on you and what is best for you.

Yesterdaysnumb

Well that's one good happy ending that didn't even need a 12 step approach! 50 years...

11d

WOW! Cupicake you really made such an impact on me with what you wrote. You are right that I have to walk the path before I know which way to turn.... You were very well spoken and hit it right on. I really needed to hear that. Thank You!

Chino

My aunt wasn't doing a 12 step program as we know it today but I bet it was/is close. She is and always has been deeply religious but it doesn't come up in casual conversation, not with family members either. She doesn't cringe if you drink a beer or swear, and doesn't try to drag you to church if you don't go. Her relationship with God is very private.

Now that I think about it, she's always been pretty calm. I've seen her upset but not angry. She's compassionate but definitely not an enabler. She's firm without being mean. My other uncle has gathered some baggage here and there in his life, and I've watched her tell him he's always welcome as long as he leaves that baggage at the door.

Everyone has seen her cry with and sadness and joy but no one has ever seen her hysterical. She's almost, well, serene.

She's downright amazing and since I haven't told her that in a while, it's time I did.

Thank you for the reminder

Yesterdaysnumb

Oh no. Don't get me wrong. I don't come to this board to look for reasons to stay. (if I had to do that, I'd probably be more worse off than I am) LOL. My reasoning behind asking about good news is because, sometimes it gets depressing to think about addiction and alcohol. Because it seems that there's no happy ending. It seems as though there are never any people who make it out HAPPY. Sometimes, I like to hear good things. It always seems as though people in relationships with addicts have two choices. Stay with the addict and be misereable... or leave. Well, if that's the case what's the point of Nar Anon? Al Anon?

11d

I understand what you're saying about hearing the "happy-ending" stories. I read a thread yesterday called "Remember Me?' by Lovestoomuch. I have found it also helpful to read threads from those that have been in this miserable club longer. Past/older members give hope. They were once where we are. It is truly lonely to be where we are. I can only pray that this will make us stronger. The point of Naranon or ALanon is to focus on what led you to this point. It is a Recovery. We choose are partners. And until we focus on our defects and allow our Higher Power to guide us, we will remain stuck. We are powerless to this disease. There is a reason why our addicts are addicts. We must learn a new way, turn it over to your higher power, if we are to beat this. Alanon meetings didn't really help me. I think this is my Alanon meeting. Talking with you and older members has been a great support. I think talking with older members who have found happiness and new members working on the same problems as I have has been great support.... A family that embraces me and does not belittle my thoughts or feelings. I look forward to your posts. I think we are working on the same type of issues.

Cupicake

Again, from a purely personal point of view...I noticed, when I did some soul searching with the help of a great friend, who also used to frequent this site, that my codieism stems way back into my childhood before my life was even touched by an addict. (I will get to a point...bear with my story please) My exah's addiction, my marriage to him and his addiction and my love for him brought to the fore front my innate need to fix everything, my enabling behaviors and my control issues. All of which I would not have noticed as issues of mine if not for my exah nor would I have known there was a name for it. Now I believe there was a reason why I had to be hit over the head with an addict. I needed to go through what I went through to feel the intense need to struggle out of these issues....to learn about all of this...about myself so that I can make changes in my life to make it better. I believe no matter who I married I would've carried these issues into any relationship I had and it would not have been healthy.

Here's my point:
Our lives have been touched by an addict. It's a fact that we can not change. Al-anon and Nar-anon fosters self awareness, in my opinion and experience. Our 12 Step Program paves the path towards healing and helps us see the things that we did not see before. Yes..we came here because of our addicts and our lives have become unmanageable but we leave here each time knowing ourselves just a little bit more and knowing a better way to handle things.

I don't have an ending yet...but here's my happy beginning...
I've grown so much emotionally. I'm not afraid to anyalyze myself and my character defects. I actually work on them for a better me and a better future. I've learned to not let my fears of "What if" take permanent residence in my brain. I've learned to "just do it" instead of contemplating things and wasting more of my precious time. I've learned that it is okay and certainly NOT SELFISH to do things for myself because it pleases me even if it means that I wouldn't be able to do something for someone else. I do not compromise myself for others. I still keep in contact with my exah but he no longer rules my world. I've learned that when you love someone it doesn't mean that you give them the right to hurt you.