sandrawg

I posted my first thread earlier, about my exbf using cocaine.

This is an excerpt from the letter I want to send him. Please, can you help me by reading it and letting me know how it sounds. I feel like I am flying blind with all of this.

Many thanks.
***************

Dear ******,

I really wanted to tell you all these things today, over the phone or in person, but you haven't responded to my texts. That's ok, but I feel like I really need to say these things to you:

1) I want to apologize if I've been harsh with you. <<next part, I apologize for getting mad at him over his phone dying, and him putting off the call when I was crying<<

2) I've been focusing so much on my own pain and haven't thought about yours and how you feel-I apologize.

3) I know I haven't been the greatest girlfriend. I've been crazy at times-jealous, insecure, angry, demanding. But I have always loved you so much, throughout it all.

4) I didn't mean to try to make you feel bad when I said doing cocaine is a "f'd up, ******" thing to do, but I just don't understand your willingness to let me go over it. I have never dealt with anything like this before, so please
forgive me if I don't handle it well.

Is this really just a recreational thing to you...a "sporadic" thing as you claim, or is it something you can't quit???

This is what I keep asking myself.

I mean, how many people would throw away a relationship with someone they LOVE, someone whom they obviously MISS when they're away from her....even if it's not the most PERFECT relationship, for some silly "sporadic" recreational activity?

Babe...

I think you are in pain.

I may be wrong but I suspect that you are turning to cocaine when you're depressed. You sort of said as much, a little while ago. That concerns me.

I've been reading a lot about coke, and it depletes your serotonin, leaving you more depressed when you crash.

People get addicted by wanting to counter the coke-caused depression and the only way to do this is more coke.

Addiction is not weakness!! It's your brain, gradually getting used to the high, and craves more. Has nothing to do with strength or weakness of character.

Some people are susceptible to it (like N***), due to some bad wiring in their constitution; some are not. Why take the chance to find out whether you are or aren't??? Look at how f'd up N***'s life is.

I mean...you did blow yet AGAIN, even after I broke up with you over it...and you PAID for it...those are red flags to me. I'm not mad about it. I'm not judging you for it. I'm just concerned.

I wish you could love yourself the way that I love you. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you--gorgeous, and smart, and funny, and loving, and GOOD, and wonderful and beautiful.

I wish I could help you.

I don't know if you think you need it. Sometimes you seem like you do; other times you're violently sure you don't.

But I can't do anything for you until you do for yourself.

I can only let you go to find your own way, which I think is best for both of us. And if and when you have a willingness to get clean, I will be there for you.

I love you, always.

-S

lil516

Reading your letter made me sad...

I can "feel" how badly you want all of this to not be true
but I read your earlier post and I'm guessing your exbf is not as naive about drugs as you might think.....

I'd be surprised if he "paid" for drugs only once....my son used to tell me about these friends who "gave" it to him in an attempt to sidestep the important question of "where did the $ come from?"...your bf might be trying to minimize the importance by suggesting he doesn't pay for it.....

there are not too many people giving away free drugs

please try to think about yourself and what you want from life
you set some pretty good boundaries but you need to stick to them

stop apologizing to him....drugs are a deal breaker and he broke the deal

I pray he does decide to clean up his act

you can let him know you care and hope he is able to turn things around but please understand that he is the one who has to want it and do it

try to put the focus on YOU...

please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers

I have seen so many young people destroyed by addiction (my son sacrificed the love of a beautiful young woman to follow his addiction) her story could be your story

jerect

(((((Sandrawg)))))),

Honey, don't appologize to this man. You have every right to feel the way you feel towards him.

I know you are hurting and it hurts to see someone you love self destructing like your ex is but you have done nothing wrong and you should not have to ask for his forgivness in any way shape or form. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I know you are emotionally connected to your ex still and by the sounds of your words you love this man but do yourself a favor and cut off all contact with this man. You need to focus on yourself and what you need to make yourself happy.

The way your letter sounds, you are suffering from codependancy, (as a lot of us here on SR are).. you need to take care of you and your well being and happiness. I know you are hurting but all the letters, care and love in the world is not going to make your ex stop using. He will do that only if he wants to and only when he is ready and willing.

If you haven't already get yourself into al-anon or nar-anon, you will find so much support there and you will discover that you are not alone in what you are feeling.

sandrawg

Thank you! I thought about that-that maybe he was paying for drugs the whole time.

But, I checked his story about the first time out. The girl who brought that guy to my party, confirmed that he's a cokehead, and she said she was certain he must have given the blow to my bf.

I really wish I had never told her it was ok to invite her friends over. I didn't know her very well and I was trying to be nice.

Then again, no one forced my bf to take it when it was offered to him.

I think he's been very honest with me. I mean, he admitted to paying for it, this most recent time. He's generally been honest with me about everything.

These drugs are so horrible.

I'm so sorry about your son.

I totally relate.:praying

Done_With_It

Choices. It's about boundaries and choices. We all have them.
It's learning how to use them that is hard.


4) I didn't mean to try to make you feel bad when I said doing cocaine is a "f'd up, ******" thing to do,


You can not 'make' him feel. We choose how we feel. We have our own power over our feelings. If someone tells me I'm a terrible person, I have the choice to feel bad about that or not.
Usually if that person believes they are a terrible person they will believe it.
If they do not believe it, it will roll off their shoulders or they will handle it differently.
The person who does believes it, is often the one who says, I can't believe your making me feel so bad.
Like Eleanor Roosevelt said
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
That goes for all our feelings.

but I just don't understand your willingness to let me go over it. I have never dealt with anything like this before, so please
forgive me if I don't handle it well.


You are falling into a dangerous trap. Why are you asking for forgiveness.
Drugs will take anyone hostage who lets them.
Please read some of these posts and listen to the ones who have walked the road before you will gain a lot of knowledge from them.



This is something he can quit. You can see from the many quitters on here.
But does he 'want' to quit. That is the question.
Until he wants to quit, he will not quit.
When the drug still works for you, when it's fun, when it gives you that high that works for you, usually there is no reason to quit, and anyone who tries to get you to quit, is the enemy.

~JMO~



:ghug3

jerect

They are never honest with you about anything. The first time I found a sack of pills and confronted my AH about them,he denied they were his and said he had no idea where they came from. At first I thought my AH was being honest with me too but it was just me denying that what the real problem was. My AH has lied to me so much that I don't know what is real and what is not...

sandrawg

Thanks. I think, I just wish that I was more compassionate with him, less angry.

I have tended to get angry with him very quickly, over things in the past not related to the drug. This is my issue-anger from being verbally abused in a prior rel'ship.

I flew off the handle over the coke thing more so than other issues, though, because it just made me feel like my wants and needs are so unimportant. I felt like so much lint.

Spending time on this forum has made me feel a lot better and understand things more, so I wanted to just make an "amends', I guess, for any harsh language or tone I laid on him in the past.

liesagain

I cant really give advice at the moment as my own life is yet again in shambles...........but you remind me of myself a few years ago.

I believed he was honest with me, I believed he was not an addict...............but I'm still here, hes still using and it still hurts like hell

but I have learned alot!! so many things that I would like to tell you in an effort to save you from the pain YET we each have to learn for ourself

I would like to recommend that you go to the stickys and read everything you can find. Not only here on the friends and family page but the addiction page and the friends and family of alcoholics.................theres so much information there you can learn alot...........

and honestly it doesnt hurt much less but it is easier when you are more aware and more educated about addiction and the behaviors of an addict.

best wishes

sandrawg

I'm getting therapy for my stuff. I will also go to some meetings, too. Whatever it takes...

I've been dipping my toes in the dating world, but I know that I need to go REALLY slowly. With my ex, we jumped into a commitment way too quickly.

jerect

Honestly right now, if I were you, I would try not to date right now. Take this time to focus on you. Your emotions are very fragil right now and you need to take this time to heal and to develope a healthy relationship with yourself.

I also tend to fly off the handle quite a bit due to my previous marriage being verbaly and emotionaly abusive. I made the mistake of getting involved again way to soon to my now husband and I didn't have time to focus on me. I think I was afraid of me so I jumped into another relationship to avoid being alone with me.. if that makes since. Don't get me wrong I love my husband but If I knew then what I knew now I would not have married him or even stayed with him for that matter. I used to blame my AH for my codependancy but now I realize that it was because if my codependancy that i was attracted to my AH.

You sound like you are on the right path with going to counseling and sticking with your boundries. Like someone posted before me, read all the stickies here on this board, not just on this forum but the other ones too. I believe there is one of the Friends and Family of Alcholics called detatchment that is really good and has been so helpful to me as I set my own boundries.

sandrawg

Well, he was certainly honest with me when he said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't use again!!!

I do thank him for it-for not just making a false promise and then causing me more heartache later!

sandrawg

That makes TOTAL sense!!!

For me, I was also afraid of facing the pain my divorce caused me and frankly, didn't even know where to start to work on my issues. So I went out and found someone who had a TON of them! So lucky me-I spent the next year working on HIS! Trust me, I'd have been better off working on mine...

ZombieWife

I’m sorry ahead of time if this sounds harsh, but you’re going to get my honesty, 100%.

Here’s what you are really saying to him: It’s ok that you don’t text me and are acting childish. I’m condoning that behavior 100%.

What you are really saying to him: It’s ok that you’re doing cocaine. I am just a big meanie for not letting you poison your body. I apologize for getting mad about the phone dying (I’ll give you that one.) I’m sorry I was crying. Crying is bad. It’s weak. I won’t do it again because you will probably leave me if I do.

What you are really saying to him?: I’m hurting, but that’s not important. YOU are important. I’m sorry for thinking that I deserve to take care of myself.

What you are really saying to him: A good girlfriend would let you use cocaine. Me asking you to stop is just a stupid thing to do. It’s selfish and controlling. I want to be “the cool girlfriend” that you love forever.

What you are really saying to him: Again, it’s ok that you do coke. I will just learn how to cope with your nasty, disgusting habit. Coke is great! I think you should continue to do it because it will make ME feel like less of a bitch if you go ahead and start up again. Forgive me for being a normal person and getting pissed when I find out you put something illegal up your nose. Please call me. I’m lonely. I miss you. I’ll accept the cocaine because it hurts more to lose you than it does (right now) to watch you destroy yourself.

What you’re really telling him: I want you to tell me what I want to hear.

What you’re really telling him: Oh, silly cocaine! (Not evil, destructive, hateful cocaine.) I am begging you to come back because I’m afraid you will not, that you might choose the drug over me. It’s ok. I can share you.

I do care for you and I love you, but now I’m making excuses for you as to why you use.

What you’re really telling him: I wasn’t really livid when I lost my temper. I should never have gotten angry because you used. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.

What you’re really telling him: I can fix you.

---- etc ----

Again, sorry for being harsh, but you’re backpedaling why? Which is worse? Being alone and not being missed? Or staying with a man who does a highly addictive drug even though you asked him not to?

It’s a choice. The addict is the one who loses that choice over time because of the substance. We, on the other hand HAVE a choice.

sandrawg

No, I'm not backpedaling and saying I'll get back with him, not at all.

He knows I can't stay with him unless he stops.

I say that at the end, that the best thing for both of us is for me to let him go.

I think...what I'm trying to do is get him to admit he has a problem. To say look-you need help, in the most gentle way I possibly can.

To say, babe, I wish I could help you. But i can't. I can't do it if you can't help yourself.

Ugh, that's probably hopeless isn't it.

I'm a very emotional person but I have no tolerance for illogical reasoning. And his reasoning is TOTALLY illogical--to tell me he's choosing cocaine over me, then to text me when I leave him to tell me he misses me, etc.

I'm like, you miss me? oh really? Well, this is your fault. You miss me because you put me in this situation by breaking my rule.

All he did when I called him on his BS was minimize the coke thing.

"I'm not an addict...addicts are weak"

"Coke isn't as bad as heroin"

I'm trying to tell him, NO, addiction has nothing to do with weakness. It's a craving...it's a physiological disease of the brain...

I've told him before, I consider coke and heroin in the same league. Time and again, I have used the words "self-destructive" in front of the noun cocaine...lol

I guess this is partly my attempt to educate him. He seems so STUPID about this crap.

Or maybe he's playing me, I don't know.

But I do appreciate your comments. You're right-I am backpedaling about one thing, and that's my anger. I am simply not comfortable with anger.

My EX-ex-bf was ALWAYS angry with me - always flying off the handle about the slightest perceived thing. I HATE anger.

bluebelle

One thing to remember...addicts lie. That's what they do. You are most likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg concerning his usage. (I say this from experience.)

I don't think you need to apologize.

Have you read, Codependent No More? It is a really good book. I have been trying to learn that no emotions are negative--including anger. It is a feeling, that is it. Of course, when someone becomes violent and abusive, that is bad. But, if you are feeling anger, it is for a reason. Something is wrong in your life.

I know all about this anger stuff. I grew up with anger always being a bad thing. My belief was that anger = bad. I never felt anger myself. I still only rarely feel anger. But, when I was angry with my AH for lying to me, when I was angry with him because he was destroying his life, when I was angry with him because his DOC was important than me....that is a perfectly understandable emotion. One good thing to do with anger is to feel it, accept that you feel it, you can even write (to yourself) about it. If you don't try to cover it up, then it is less likely to pop up in an explosion at an inopportune time.

The language that he is using....that he is too strong to be an addict, that at least he doesn't ..., this is common addict language. This is part of that whole big denial thing. My AH was saying the same things while he was in active addiction.

Spiritual Seeker

You don't have to get him to admit anything. "his reasoning is TOTALLY illogical"
Flip this around to "my reasoning is TOTALLY illogical"
BECAUSE - You can't educate, convince or motivate him into anything. We all come to change and understanding on our own.
Start today to get your focus off of him.
Put your energy where it will do you some good.
It is tough to detach after a relationship, no matter the reason for the separtion.
I feel for you, but little by little you will feel better.

ZombieWife

You say you're not backpedaling, but you are apologizing for feeling a human emotion--anger--when you have a perfectly legitimate reason for having this emotion.

You're downplaying the addiction in various parts.

If I was an addict and I read that, I'd be in the door, knowing I could spin the situation into exactly what I needed to keep up with my habit.

"Addicts are weak" ????

What's difficult is putting your foot down and doing the right thing. Cocaine is not like heroin.

It's cocaine. What more needs to be said?

He's in denial. He doesn't think he has a problem, so why would he admit to it? Ask him if he can go for 2 weeks without it (that includes taking daily drug tests.) Then tell him you'll reconsider.

Chances are, he'll either disappear, or throw a baby-hissy-fit that someone would dare suggest he do a pee test.

The more I read, the more I think he's already got a problem. The thing is, it sounds like you're convinced as well. What more is it going to take? What will convince you? Take into consideration the fact that he WILL and IS lying. Can you believe a liar? Or, can you believe your own eyes/ears/intuition?

jerect

When I first found out my AH was using again , I tried to get him to admit he was an addict too and you know what the more I pushed the more I pushed him away. Addicts don't think and feel the way we do. Their brains are wired differently then ours. Most of them are irrational, and illogical in their actions and their thinking. They will lie to our faces and believe the lie they are telling us. My Husband admitted to me his problem not because I finaly pushed him enough to where he would admit it but because he knew he needed help

kj0975

Chances are he will NEVER admit he has a problem. He doesnt think he has a problem and you cant convince him otherwise. He would probably rather be single so he can do whatever he wants to do without having to answer to anyone. I know you care for him and want him to get "better" but he has to hit his own bottom. When will you hit yours? He is your ex I think its time to let go and move along yes of course you still care for him and want the best for him, yet if he doesnt want that for himself there is nothing you can do. You cant fix him thats his job.

He broke your boundry is there anything else. I wouldnt apologize for getting mad at him why? Your mad its an emotion you felt it why be sorry. Dont put your energy in someone who is your EX. I'm sorry this is harsh but I have been in your shoes and the ONLY way I could move on was to stop contact and let him go. Hes gonna do what he wants to do without thinking about your feeling or if your gonna get mad. Why care about someone who doesnt care about your feelings. Hes not answering your texts cause he doesnt want to hear what you ahve to day. What I used to do is just write a letter about how I felt Not to justify why I felt that way or apologize for MY feelings. Then hold it for a week and then decide what to do . Is he worth it? Only you can answer that questions. I know how hard it is to let go and move on when we think we can still fix them, or get them to admit they have a problem. He made the choice to let you go so he can do what he wants. Sad but true. Focus on you and your feelings and what you want out of life and make a list of your wants. Can he really give you what you want outta life what you deserve? All said with love.

sandrawg

Wow, the concern and love on this forum is so amazing. I don't know what i would do without it.



My friends don't understand what I'm going through...not by a long shot...nor my family. It's so easy for someone to say he's a jerk, dump him, but you guys all understand that it's not that simple.

He finally did respond to my text late last night. He just said "I'm sorry. I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm confused. I don't think I can talk right now."

I just texted back "It's ok. I understand."

Let me get one thing straight with you guys: I know he broke my boundary. I know he can't give me what I want. I'm starting to realize you're all probably right-that he did coke more times that he's telling me. He has a serious problem and I can't let it drag me down.

I am leaving him. I no longer consider him my boyfriend, and there is no danger I'll ever go back to him so long as he's using.

So don't worry about that.

I'm just having a hard time just abandoning him, even though I know it's the best thing for him.

I know that no amount of my saying "you're an addict" will make him wake up. But in the past, he has taken to heart things that I have said. He respects me. He knows I have been a stabilizing influence in his life.

I have to say, too-the most recent time he did coke, right after we broke up, he stayed home from work the next day (again), once again almost jeopardizing his job. Later, he texted me and said "I made a mistake."

Funny-and this is really painful, but I have to accept it-he realized he loved his job so much that he told me he wouldn't ever do that again. I guess what he meant was, he'd never do coke on a weeknight again, cuz he still wouldn't promise me never to do the drug again...

Hey-if it's his job that helps him stay clean, even though saving our rel'ship won't, then so be it. Whatever it takes.

So, with the thought that there is some shred of awareness in him that he's messing up, i'm just trying to figure out how to detach in such a way that could be helpful to him.