sandrawg

And, by the way, when I say "stabilizing influence", I don't mean that it's because I've done really codependent things. It's because I am a lot older than he is. He sees that I am financially stable, with a good job...I work out, take care of myself...I know these are all things he wants for himself, at least in theory, because he's told me so.

Whenever he's said he wants to get in better shape, or move to a better living situation, or any number of things he wants to do to improve his life, I've merely given him gentle encouragement and positive feedback on positive things i've done. I've tried to be very careful not to meddle, nag, or otherwise enable. I did WAY too much enabling in an abusive rel'ship to my own detriment in a previous rel'ship and learned my lesson there.

liesagain

Zombie said anger is a human emotion..............

but recently when I said that in a family group the therapist told me..............anger isnt a feeling its a REACTION to a feeling...........such as your hurt or betrayed or dissappointed...............to say I'm angry is to Cover whats really Happening inside YOU.

Dont say sorry for your reaction, look at yourself and look hard and find out whats being triggered in YOU, insecureity, rejection feelings ........etc.

Not sure if it helps you but it sure made me stop and look at myself........and when I say I feel angry ( which I say ALOT) I'm starting to look more at the real feelings underneath.......

liesagain

sand

I ddont want to be mean or harsh but if you re read YOUR own posts and look at them from the outside......OH how I wish you could see........that indeed you are his stabilizing force...........honey thats what they LOOK for in a relationship.

strong women who merely appear strong and like they have it ALL together but those that also are
trusting emotional and easily attached and want to save and rescue others..........

maybe not even aware that this is who you are or who I am and who many others here are or were............

maybe you say your not taking him back but you also say you dont want to abandon him either.......YOU have already become his protector...........

stick around and keep reading FOR YOU

Jody Hepler

Questions I ask myself when dealing with an active drug user:

How do you know when an addict is lying?
He's moving his mouth.

Why do I expect rational behavior from an irrational person?

If nothing changes, nothing changes - so what is wrong with me. Believing what they say, rather than looking at their actions.

Insanity is doing (and saying) the same things over and over expecting different results. This was my biggie - if I just say it right, if I am more pleasant, if I can just explain it in another way, if I do more things for them, if I bake their favorite cookies - blah, blah, blah.

Love in recovery,
Jody

Chino

What is the best thing for you? My RAD was abandoned by every friend she had and, though it hurt, she understood. They were scared of her addiction and rightfully so. These are kids in their late teens or 20 year olds. When they told her they wanted nothing to do with her while she was using she hated them for it but respected the boundary. They didn't want her so to hell with them.

Now that she's in recovery she's repairing her relationships and the best of the best are open to her. None of them try to be a part of her recovery or stability because they can't be! They are just her friends.

Those kids taught me a lot about basic survival. Let them teach you too

sandrawg

I hope he gets to that point. I am trying to stress to him that, should that happen, I will be here for him as a friend-he knows how to contact me.:codiepolice

sandrawg

So, I mentioned on my other thread that he texted me back very late last night. He said:

"I'm sorry. I am lost, tired and confused. I can't talk right now."

I texted him back that it was ok, I understand.

This morning I texted him this-because it hit me as I was driving in to work.

It's all very simple.

Anyone who is willing to risk losing someone they love or a job they love (he didn't lose his job, but he stayed home both times the day after doing blow, thus risking his job) to get high, HAS A PROBLEM.

I texted him this and said, "I love you, but you have a problem. Until you love yourself enough to help yourself, there is nothing me or anyone else can do."

And now I won't contact him anymore.

kidsandmemake3

I observed from your first comment that you said you can't stay with him... actually you can, but will you? Maybe something that might help is for you to take the words "can/can't" and replace them with "will/won't." You do have a will and the will in your life directs your choices. To say you can or can't implys that something outside of your own will is influencing you when it comes to your own choices, and this posture is not stable and is only a half-truth. If you were to be honest with him and yourself, it is your will that is speaking... so take responsibility for your words and your decisions by owning them and expressing them in a clear manner by simply stating "I will not be in a relationship with you unless you are in addiction recovery and there are easily observable, measurable outcomes that display your recovery. These measurable outcomes need to be so obvious that anyone or any court looking in to this situation could see what you are doing to clean up your life."

My intentions are simply to restate what you have said with hopes that you will find a tool that will help get your heart and mind out of the fog that is preventing you from having clarity of thought and peace.

Honestly, why is it your role to educate him? Your are not his sponsor, therapist, parent, or Savior. Educating him is simply a distraction device that you are choosing (or using) to use as a smokescreen so that you do not have to face the issues within yourself... education of him is not your mission unless you just want to keep up this destructive process... in your deepest heart of hearts, you are fully aware that he is playing you or you would have not even written the comment.

You sound like you want to be perceived by others as if you are being such a good friend to your addict. You sound as if you are seeking validation and sympathy that you are doing the right thing for your addict who "needs" you; like without you what would he do? Where would he turn? By allowing this "he needs me to help him" thinking to direct your behaviors and choices, you are allowing yourself to play the role of victim...

I simply want to propose to you that you are very much not a victim; you are also in this by choice. You have the ability to strengthen yourself, educate yourself, and embrace wisdom. It is not an appropriate role for you to educate him; it is an appropriate role to educate yourself. Set a boundary there... do not allow yourself to "educate" or explain anything else to him. He can and will use other tools to attain recovery when and if he is ever ready for the journey of recovery. You cannot convince, educate or control him into recovery.

Your postings make you sound as if you feel that you need his disease in order to make you feel useful. I hope you will continue to educate yourself on the process of addiction and the role you are choosing to position yourself in.

You have made a healthy decision by posting on the forum here, and I commend you for that. I would encourage you to seek clarity and break the "addiction to the addict" cycle within yourself.

I would encourage you to understand that your Prince Charming has turned into a frog, and not pretend he is still Prince Charming. I would encourage you to center yourself and disregard distractions that fog your clarity.