itisatruth

YouTube - Rainbow


I have always loved this song (hope the link works...it's my first try), but recently, this song has been a reminder that I need to take the pressure off myself and continue to trust in my HP. I close my eyes and listen and just .....trust that He knows better than I do where I'm going.

OK, so I had a rough week. I was uncomfortable with how complacent I was becoming. I had started to feel like I was getting "sucked in". My AH has been doing well, relatively speaking of course, and I found myself hoping (again) that this was THE time, THE ONE time that things might actually work out. He was more like his usual self....that man I vaguely remember....he was doing stuff in the yard, even managed a load of laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, and taking care of some important business.


The question I kept asking myself is...
Why should I trust him? He has lied to me so many times....Why would I reasonably think that he wouldn't do it again?

Why am I doubting myself? I thought I was passed all this. I had started to detach (and am still I think) and set boundaries. I have even gotten used to the idea of powerlessness and letting go of the need to control. All these things have done me wonders, physically and mentally. I thought I would soon be strong enough to walk away....until I started to believe again.

Then he had a doctors appointment today. The plan was he would taper down on the Vicoden with my support (I dispense the pills). He was supposed to get a lower dosage at the doctor's today. He came home with a higher dose.....of NORCO, which is stronger apparently. He got this because his doc said the Vicodin has too much Tylenol for his stomach. Even if that were true, why would he need ten pills a day instead of the seven he is on of Vicoden????? He doesn't. He knows it, I know it.

This was a boundary of mine---to give exactly as agreed upon-no more---with no hassles. So I told him, I would not give him 10 a day, regardless if it's prescribed or not. He could have control of his pills and I would do whatever I need to do--meaning possibly the end of us. After about an hour of "reasoning", pouting, and then the silent treatment, he relented and agreed to the lower amount of pills.

Now I am faced with a choice: to continue to dispense according to our agreed upon plan OR to give the pills back to him and know that I may soon have to find a new place to live. Its hard because I saw a glimmer of the past and what our lives were like back then.

Looking for affirmation that I'm not completely insane......thanks for 'listening'

greeteachday

It has to be so hard when there is a "real" reason to be prescribed pain killers and yet an addiction. I can't imagine trying to walk that line or to be the person who is controlling the meds. I'm not saying this is wrong...I think it can be very supportive, but the question I think you must ask is how does it affect you? I think if it gets to the point where being the keeper of the meds makes you relapse in your own recovery, it might be time for another plan. Your awareness of this is a good step in your own growth.

Surrendering to powerlessness isn't something that I find I can do once and be done. Sometimes I can be on a good recovery path for weeks or months without having to rework my first 3 steps. Other times, I surrender over and over even within the same day. I know I am most challenged when I start having expectations. There's such a fine line between hope and expectation. When I can distinguish the two, I think I am discovering acceptance.
Thinking of you and sending prayers. You are working hard on recovery and I can see the change...It looks very good on you! Thanks for sharing the song too. Hugs

BayAreaPhoenix

(((itsatruth)))

It sounds like dispensing the pills to him doesn't feel good or right to you anymore. Is that right? If it is, thought I'd pass along what I have been told many times, it's OK to change your mind about what your boundaries are. If last week you felt good or OK about helping him this way, and now after all this you now don't feel good about it, then you don't and IMO should say so. He tried lying to you - again - and by doing that, sounds like he already broke the deal. Changing your mind based on new information is OK. I wish I had known this years ago!

Somewhere around here it's been said that expectations are future disappointments, or something like that. Greeteachday had a great point, the difference between hope and expectations. I still haven't learned how to distinguish the two myself all the time, but it's coming, like everything else.

If you're not ready to "move out" then maybe that's not the boundary right now. Maybe the boundary should be something else. When you're ready for that big boundary, you will be certain, in the meantime, don't forget to make sure you're prepared to follow through on whatever your boundaries are.

You're doing great, and some days are just not good. Keep working on you like you've been doing. You already sound so much stronger than a few months ago! You are not crazy. This crazy making stuff that we get caught up in makes me CRAZY. I have been there so many times, and will be there again I'm sure, but I know we are both better at stepping off the crazy ride more often than we used to be. So, step off, know you're definitely NOT crazy, and you know what you know -

itisatruth

Thanks for the reminder about powerlessness greet, I needed that. Controlling the meds has been something I wasn't quite sure of in the first place....while I am supposed to be adhering to the 3 C's and not trying to control him, by helping him with this I am well aware that that is exactly what I am doing...albeit with his "permission". He honestly admitted that he could not control his own use with the pills and wanted to be off them. Since I have been dispensing them, he says he feels like the compulsion has been lifted, that he feels less stress because he doesn't have to obsess over how many he has or how many he can take. Doesn't sound quite right does it?? --He feels better and I feel not so good. I know I have some thinking to do about this.

codeinewife, I guess it just seems like less of a boundary if I change my mind about it. I hear what you're saying though, I have to take each day as it comes and do the best I can. I am still doing things for me and I know I just need to keep at it. The boundary wasn't so much that I had to move out if he broke our agreement, it was just that he would have to take control of his own use, which we both know he can't control. So I just looked at giving him his pills back as a step back to him getting out of control and me having to make a choice of what to do when that happens. Right now I can hear that little voice in my head telling me I can't control the future so I shouldn't be worried about it.

Thank you both for the words of encouragement. I do know I am better that I was even a month ago, but this past week some depression popped back in....hormones, work stuff, some things I read here, etc....just stuff. So I am not really in a great place for this new development. But my goal for today is to do something for me...

:ghug2 Thanks again

greeteachday

Hey there...It's getting round about dinner time on the West coast...What did you do for you today? If you haven't gotten there yet, how about a nice walk before sunset or a hot bubble bath and a good book or movie?

One of the ideas I learned at meetings is that I can start my new 24 hours any time I want to. That helps me shed a crummy day and give myself a new start. I know when I focus inward, I start to regain some balance. Hugs...Our recovery is not a straight path forward; there are bends and bumps but the stronger we get, the smoother the ride.

itisatruth

greeteachday Although I can't say it was "fun" I did do something today that made me feel better. I cleaned out my garage. I was planning on driving to my mom's to visit for the afternoon, but because of some home repairs my dad is working on for us, I had to get to the garage.
It feels good to know that I can park my car in there again and that the Christmas (yes Christmas!!) stuff is all put back up in the rafters. I am going to bed with a feeling of accomplishment which should help start tomorrow off nicely. I like your idea of starting a new 'day' anytime, that really puts a better perspective on each moment. Thank you!

lil516

I just wanted to add my support for the difficult position you are in...I was the dispenser of my RAS meds for a short time and it was not pleasant....

I agree that there is a lot to be said for stepping back and letting him be in charge...(easier said than done when dealing with an addict)

however, IF you are to be involved i think it has to be more proactive.....not just holding the bottle and giving as he (and his doctor of choice) dictate but rather being included in the decision of what and how much

I would be careful about altering the prescription on your own...as much as I mistrust many doctors (especially the ones hand picked by our addicts) I also have seen some scary episodes when meds are not tapered properly

and above all....take care of YOU....don't get lost in all of this drama

itisatruth

its soooo easy to get lost in it all, isn't it?!!

Thanks for the input lil, we talked this morning and I told him I could not continue to "help" since he did not want to stick to the original plan. So now I guess I will just have to hope for the best, but keep doing for me, coming here, and going to al-anon. On another post, I read how Spiritual Seeker does a daily gratitude list, so I plan on starting that tonight--keeping focus on what I do have.

As for the meds, he sees a psychiatrist (for BP and depression) and a general practitioner (for his neck probs). They both know what the other is doing and I often go with him to appointments, but couldn't this past Friday (which he knew when he scheduled it).

The psychiatrist, who knows much more about the types of drugs he is on, is the one who recommended the tapering....how much/how often, etc. We were all in agreement (I wouldn't pretend to know how to do that on my own). So that's why I was so mad that he came home with the higher dose. I can only imagine what he told his doctor to get him to agree to increasing rather than decreasing.....

Thank you for your words of encouragement --

BayAreaPhoenix

Itsatruth! Good for you!

I read about the gratitude list and thought I should start doing that again too. I did it for a while several years ago, and it does help!

You sound like you're making progress on you and your boundaries! that must feel good!

I don't know what I would do or would have done if my AH asked me to be a dispensary for him. By now I am so far gone and done with the caretaker role I think I would just say no.

In the beginning, when I first got here, I had just found out about my AH's opiate addiction. I thought for a while that I wish I had known all along, or at least some of the time. There is still a part of me that wishes that for various reasons - but reading your post and others who are living with and trying to help the A in your lives, I'm not so sure. I guess it's that half dozen of one 6 of the other thing. It's hard any way you look at it. Good luck to whatever you do!

You are shining!