Lied2

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I've done a lot of reading and it seems like there is a lot good insight here. I'm sorry but this is going to be a long read... I've got so much to say.

My wife started taking prescription meds for Fibromyalgia when she was 19. When we started dating (she was 22 ) I asked her to try and stop taking it and see if she could stop. She told me she did and that she felt way better about herself not taking it. I've known her since the 6th grade and completely trusted her. She was always a really nice person and seemed real genuine.
We got married and had 2 kids and she started taking it again with out me knowing. She had 4 seizures over a period of 3 years but she was lying about the conditions surrounding the seizures. The doctors were all scratching their heads and we visited several neurologists, ran countless tests but they couldn't find anything wrong. Last year she came clean and told me about the drugs and how they were causing seizures. I freaked out. I couldn't believe that she took this stuff knowing it causes seizures and then drove my kids around town... endangering their lives. What if it happened in the car?
We had a huge falling out and almost got divorced. After some time we reconciled and she promised up and down that it would never happen again and that if it did we would over. She never got any professional help she was going to quite by herself, her parents quit drinking on their own 25 years ago and have been sober ever since. She wanted to be like that.
Things started to settle down. She got pregnant with our 3rd child. It was bringing us closer together, everything seemed great. We had our baby on Feruary 25, 2008... our baby died 4 days later. The Doctors told us she had a genetic disorder called MCAD and a serious infection, Enterococcus. I was just coming to terms with that information when the S hit the fan.

Last week she had another seizure. She tried to lie in the emergency room about it but friend over heard her call her mom and ask her to take something out of her purse... I finally got it out of her and now everything is turned upside down. I thought she had been taking it since our baby died because she was depressed, but she was taking it through her whole pregnancy!!! She was getting prescriptions filled in my name and getting refills from doctors out of state.
Right away I put her in a detox facility and started to investigate if this had anything to do with the baby's death. Doctors still say the genetic disorder and the infection were a factor but that if the baby was dependant on the drug and was going through withdrawls that it definitely contributed to my daughters death. Of course I am destroyed. I can't find words to express the pain...
She finished detox yesterday and is in a 30 day program now. She seems totally willing and committed but she made the same promises last year... only difference is she's getting professional help.

I'm still waiting on reports from physicians but I still don't think I can get over this. I can't see myself enjoying anything with her in the future... all I can think about is that she might have killed our child. Should I just bite the bullet, end it all now, and know for a fact that my kids are safe? Or should I give her another chance, see if rehab has really effected her and take a risk that she might relapse and hurt the kids... In some ways I feel like the battered women in all the lifetime movies that stay in their marriage despite the destruction that their spouse is causing... I can't imagine leaving her but it looks like I might have to... what do you guys think?

Fulldresser4

I have no advice, only:ghug

ZombieWife

I'm so so sorry, Lied2. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for both of you. I am glad you found this board, though. It's been very helpful and it's made me feel less alone.

As bad as this sounds, you have to be the one to make this decision. But, you should ask yourself if you might want to talk to someone about this? A therapist, a grief counselor, someone who could offer you some objective and professional insight.

It's bad enough to deal with a relapse like this (and it sounds like this drug is dangerous and terrible!) But, to have a small, innocent one taken from you so soon is such a harrowing ordeal. Please accept my condolences and prayers for you and your loved ones.

And continue to read read read (stickied stuff and other posts.)

serenityqueen

First of all, I need to express how sorry I am that you have had to go through all of this. My eyes filled with tears when I read your thread.

I am a Recovering Addict/Alcoholic and one of the many things that kept me out there using was the guilt and shame that I felt because when my Son was not even a day old, he began going through withdrawls because of my using during my pregnancy. The nurse had brought him in early the morning after he was born to show me how to care for his umbilical cord during a bath and so on. While undressing him, he became very cranky and couldn't be soothed. The nurse took him back to the nursery and the next thing I know he had been taken to ICU. I was scared to death. At first, they didn't know what was wrong until they got the labs back on him and found opiates in his system. Immediately they confronted me, told me they knew I had used during my pregnancy and told me that I had to be honest about what I was using and how much. This was important for them to know how to safely detox him.The reason I'm bringing this up is although I'm not a Dr., surely they would have tested her blood thoroughly including a drug screen, especially with her other problems. I just wanted to share that thought. I'm not sure what test results you are awaiting but I imagine the wait is horrible. Not knowing, wondering.

It sounds like your wife is where she needs to be right now. As much as I hate to say this, when she gets out of treatment, will she be responsible for the care of your other two kids? Again, I am not a professional, but in my opinion I don't think that she should be the primary care giver for the kids. Getting out of treatment and with the serious issues she will be having to deal with, being responsible for the kids may be more than she can handle right now. I'm not saying that I would keep the kids from her, but I sure would feel more comfortable knowing that she wasn't alone with them. I don't know what your plans are as far as living together when she gets out. Please remember that the kids, no matter how old they are, will be effected by this as well. I would encourage you to look into some type of counseling of sorts that is available for their age groups. Having just recently lost their little sister and then Mommy being gone has to be very upsetting and confusing to them.

Finally, I truly hope that as well as sharing your thoughts and feelings on here, that you will look into some counseling and therapy for you. I can't imagine the emotions that are going through you at this time. You sound like a truly wonderful man and whatever happens with your marriage, you need to take care of you. I will Pray for peace for the entire Family.

God Bless,
Judy

lil516

I am so sorry for your loss.....

as wonderful as SR is I think you need to talk to someone face to face...

your family has been through so much trauma that I think any decision should be postponed for the immediate future...

that is not to say that things do not need to be changed and you are right to be concerned about the safety of your children and do need to make arrangements that assure their well being...

the children have also been through a trauma....the death of the baby must have upset them terribly and now mom is absent

please take time to care for yourself and your children
please get support and counseling

In time you will know what path to follow but for now try to get yourself and your children onto a safe and supported road

your family is in my prayers

FormerDoormat

Ending my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend was the best decision I ever made. Today I live a happy, peaceful, and joyous life.

Jewelz

Lied2, I am so sorry for your pain I wish I had some magic words to take it all away. You and your family are in my prayers!

(((Lied2)))

hugs,
Jewelz

NEVEREnds

My prayers are with you through this tramatic and tryingtime. Stay strong.:ghug

Lied2

thank you all so much. I get a little teared up just knowing people care and understand. I'm dealing with her family right now and they just make excuses for her. They never just tell me they understand, just defensive all the time... so thank you... sincerely

I can't pm anyone yet since I don't have 5 posts but I will soon, thank you for taking time to write.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I agree with the others that this is a decision that you must make on your own. I also have come to appreciate what I have learned in working on myself that sometimes not to decide is to reach a decision. Some issues are ones that need thoughtful consideration and may need to be viewed day by day. If you really are not sure yet how you feel, making plans to have someone else be primary caretaker for now (I do agree that early recovery and responsibility for young children may not be a good mix) and seeking support and help to address how addiction has affected you may be a good place to start.

My prayers are with you and your family.

lilkim

I am so sorry. Just take time to get your head together. So, you can make the best decison for your family. In the end you and your family are the one's that have to live with it.

Bernadette

Dear Lied2-
So sorry for what happened to your baby. (((Hugs)))
What a horrible situation and to know your wife was lying to you yet again....it's all just too painful.

You asked this question:

Should I just bite the bullet, end it all now, and know for a fact that my kids are safe?

As I read it my gut just went YES!!!

I would say this woman has a lot of sobering up/ recovery work to do. Like, SERIOUS, recovery work to do. And maybe you should be just focusing on your children and yourself and getting to a healthier place all around. The loss of the baby makes this whole situation a minefield.

But you have got to take care of yourself - unfortunately addicts prove themselves unreliable over and over - so I think it is OK to step off until she has some serious recovery under her belt and you feel like you can trust her again, both with your heart and with the lives of your children. Y'know it may not be "end it all" you can separate and each do your work on recovering and just see what happens...one day at a time.

I highly recommend some counseling for you! Can you speak to a therapist? The hospital where your baby died should have a social worker you can talk to. Have you considered AlAnon/Naranon? You don't have to speak you can just sit and listen and you'll hear from people just like you about how you can make your life better, and how you can start thinking about the tough decisions in a new light.

My heart goes out to you--prayers coming your way--
Peace,
B.

peaceteach

Any decision you make for the immediate safety of your children does not have to be permanent. You don't have to decide your future today, just what YOU can live with to get YOURSELF to a place of serenity and where you aren't worried sick about their safety. Let yourself just breathe for a bit. You have 30 days to get where you need to be.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lied2. Please take care of yourself during this time away from the drama. Welcome to SR and I hope you stick around for some excellent support and love. It's really nice to find a place where your "normal" doesn't seem so abnormal to this many people.

Hangin' In

Lied2,

I'm glad you found SR. There is great support and recovery here, so I hope you'll stick around.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child and for all the turmoil your family is in right now. I have no great advice or words of wisdom, but I can tell you that I will keep you, your wife and your children in my prayers as you seek to do what is the best. Please do keep in mind that your wife will be the only one who can change herself. You are not responsible for her, but you are responsible for yourself and the steps you need to take in order to help yourself get through this difficult time.

Once things settle down a bit, I'd recommend you look for an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. Those meetings are so helpful for those of us who are living with a loved one who has the disease of addiction.

Hugs and prayers,
Hangin' In

Spiritual Seeker

Do what is best for your children.

ZombieWife

Oh man, I'm sorry her family isn't really offering much support. I would think that your situation would wake up anyone.

I think one big worry in this (at least for me reading it,) is that I hope your wife doesn't get so consumed by guilt that she falls into a hole she can't get out of. I know you are hurting, but I remember carrying my baby for 9 months. I was freaskishly healthy, but if that baby died, I would have felt so much guilt--so much that I'm not sure I could bear it.

I am praying so much for you all, for her especially. She needs so much light and love right now.

I'm not telling you to stay with her, but I'd be suicidal were I in her shoes. I think about losing my child now and I don't know how I would live. I wish that on NOBODY, not her . . . nobody.

bsfish

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The replies here really made me look closer at my situation. My AW is in a rehab center now, 5+ months, for perscription abuse. Our final straw was watching her roll our car with our 3 and 4 yr old sons in it. I'm struggling with the same issues. RIght now I'm optimisitc, the kids are sort of her higher power, her driving force. It seems they weren't enough before, I pray every day that what she tells me is true, and that she has found the strength to keep her addict at bay.

I understand the dilema you are facing. I work away from home for long periods and am very concerned about having to leave shortly after my wife returns. I am fortunate that both families are completely on board. With two sets of close retired granparents, The kids will be safe. I'm moving the family next door to her parents. They wont be alone with her, and she will have help and support (and the kids will have constant guardians)

The only advice I can give parrots what has been said above, take care of yourself AND the kids. Go with your gut and do what is best for them.

My wife went through an 30 day detox/rehab. A week into that they highly recomended inpatient aftercare. That started at 90 days. It's going to end up being 5 noths there (six total). The retirement fund is gone, but I decided to do everythign I possibly can to increase the odds so my kids can have thier mom. Still, no guarantees.

All the stats are that the longer in treatment, the better the odds. I don't know about your wife, but mine had a LOT of past issues. She in a trauma recovery center now for childhood and teen issues. For my wife, I believe if those aren't dealt with, relaspe is inevitable. So I'm praying we are getting to the root of her problems.

Since this has gone down, friends and aquaintences in similar situations have come out of the woodwork. Talking is great therapy, it's freeing to get it out in the open and have someone to talk with. You aren't alone out there. Try meetings. The facility my wife went to had a great family program. It really drove home the fac tthat you have to take care of yourself.

I've only been here a few days myself, but just blabbing away here is helping me. Hopefully something here is of use to you.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there and give your kids a hug for me. I tear up almost daily for my little ones, all they've missed out on and hoping to god they get thier mom back. But either way, I'm going to make sure they are safe and loved.

itisatruth

I also have come to appreciate what I have learned in working on myself that sometimes not to decide is to reach a decision. Some issues are ones that need thoughtful consideration and may need to be viewed day by day. --Greeteachday


In time you will know what path to follow but for now try to get yourself and your children onto a safe and supported road --lil516

My heart goes out to you and your family right now. You are going through so much and facing such important choices. I'm so sorry that addiction has done this to you and your family.

Many supportive words already posted, but I just wanted to add that I also think that since you are going through so much, that maybe big decisions do not have to be answered right away. Do what you need to do to keep your children safe, but take the rest as it comes, day by day, even minute to minute if you have to....in time you will come to understand your own feelings and needs...and know what you want to do....take care.

BayAreaPhoenix

Everything has been said, and I ditto with my two cents to take care of you and your children. Time will bring the answer to you.

Prayers and hugs to you and your family.

Lied2

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement.

I found a weekly Nar-Anon meeting and I am looking for a good therapist.

Hearing the advice to wait on any decisions feels right to me. I'm going to take more time and consideration, wait for the medical reports and see how she does with treatment.

I am used to planing my life ahead of time. Making a decision and then executing it... but that doesn't feel right here.

Thanks again for the support, I feel better just knowing all you guys care and can validate what I'm feeling.