Not A Newbie But Feel Like One
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Not A Newbie But Feel Like One
I am certainly not new to addiction as I am 61 & my 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I spent quite a few yrs in Gam Anon until I divorced him. Now I have a 40 yr old son who is addicted to coke & am having a real hard time dealing with it. I know there is nothing I can do or say to make him want to be clean & sober but it is so frustrating to have him sitting in jail for like the 8th time & know that unless he decides to get clean & stay clean this is going to continue.
I know I don't have to help him but he is my son & who does he call when it is time to get out, me. I firmly believe he needs professional help but am at a loss as how he can get it. I also think he should get a psychiatric evaluation to find out if he has a mental problem.
I am just very confused & upset by all of this.
Thanks for letting me vent & for taking the time to read my post.
Diane
I know I don't have to help him but he is my son & who does he call when it is time to get out, me. I firmly believe he needs professional help but am at a loss as how he can get it. I also think he should get a psychiatric evaluation to find out if he has a mental problem.
I am just very confused & upset by all of this.
Thanks for letting me vent & for taking the time to read my post.
Diane
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Diane, I am sorry that you are in pain. I have no idea what it must feel like to know your child needs help but to be helpless to help them. You and your son are in my prayers!
hugs,
Jewelz
hugs,
Jewelz
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( diane )))
It's hard because you already know the drill - take care of yourself, get out of the way and let your loved one and his HP have a direct line to each other, choices mean consequences, all that good stuff.
It's harder because it's your child. Trust me I know, and there are many other moms here who will tell you the same thing.
Perhaps you can suggest counseling or evaluation, but the truth is, he may or may not choose to get it, and you need some pretty outstanding proof in order to have someone committed.
Take extra good care of you.
Hugs
Cats
It's hard because you already know the drill - take care of yourself, get out of the way and let your loved one and his HP have a direct line to each other, choices mean consequences, all that good stuff.
It's harder because it's your child. Trust me I know, and there are many other moms here who will tell you the same thing.
Perhaps you can suggest counseling or evaluation, but the truth is, he may or may not choose to get it, and you need some pretty outstanding proof in order to have someone committed.
Take extra good care of you.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think that my daughter may never get it. She may be an addict for the rest of her life. It is at those times, Diane, that I must take it "one day at a time." I can't do it for the rest of my life, but I can do it for today. I can accept today that my daughter is an addict, active in her addiction. Mom hugs to you. Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Diane,
I know how hard it is to let go and let them fall. My daughter has 9 months clean from drugs. She did relapse with alcohol but is doing well again. For me it is still one day at a time. I can't handle more than that. I can't look to the future because the future may not turn out like I expect it should. I always live in fear everyday, but I just try to live in today. I think we become so scarred by the addict that we are never really the same person we once were. I can practice all of the recovery tools in the world but it doesn't change the fact that I am still not the same and never will be.
Live for today and take care of yourself.
Hugs......................Lo
I know how hard it is to let go and let them fall. My daughter has 9 months clean from drugs. She did relapse with alcohol but is doing well again. For me it is still one day at a time. I can't handle more than that. I can't look to the future because the future may not turn out like I expect it should. I always live in fear everyday, but I just try to live in today. I think we become so scarred by the addict that we are never really the same person we once were. I can practice all of the recovery tools in the world but it doesn't change the fact that I am still not the same and never will be.
Live for today and take care of yourself.
Hugs......................Lo
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Jewelz, Cats, Marle, & Lo, First off thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my post & write to me. You all know I know you are right & the horrible thing is I do know there is absolutely nothing I can do & it just breaks my heart. I finally went to visit him after 7 months & wound up walking out on him cuz he just pissed me off so much.
Jewelz you are a sweetheart. Lo I am so happy to hear your daughter has been clean for 9 mts. I know there is no guarantee its going to last, but its great news all the same. Everyday they r clean is a victory.
Marle honey I am so sorry your daughter is like my son & still doesn't get it but where there is life there is hope. Maybe oneday you & I can say together they are clean.
Hugs to you too Cats.
I seriously think I should be much more active in this forum. The last 7 mts while he has been in jail things have been quiet but I know the day is coming when he is going to get out & I am really having trouble dealing with it. I have alot of fear about what he is going to do & whats going to become of him. I do have alot of faith so I know I must really reley on it.........that is the only way I can deal with it. I guess its fear of the future & of the unknown.
Thanks again my dear online friends,
Diane
Jewelz you are a sweetheart. Lo I am so happy to hear your daughter has been clean for 9 mts. I know there is no guarantee its going to last, but its great news all the same. Everyday they r clean is a victory.
Marle honey I am so sorry your daughter is like my son & still doesn't get it but where there is life there is hope. Maybe oneday you & I can say together they are clean.
Hugs to you too Cats.
I seriously think I should be much more active in this forum. The last 7 mts while he has been in jail things have been quiet but I know the day is coming when he is going to get out & I am really having trouble dealing with it. I have alot of fear about what he is going to do & whats going to become of him. I do have alot of faith so I know I must really reley on it.........that is the only way I can deal with it. I guess its fear of the future & of the unknown.
Thanks again my dear online friends,
Diane
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((((Rozied)))))))))))
I've missed ya, Roz. Glad you stopped in for an update.
Sorry to hear it's not going well for you.
You need more time here with us. lol
I know you hurt for your son. I hurt for my son too, sweetie.
The choices he makes....aaarrrrrgggggg.
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can do.
Kinda like a mantra for me. Try it. There's nothing I can do.
Have you read any good books lately on boundries?
Do you attend meetings at all? Sorry, can't remember.
Well, read around. Get caught up.
We're still here for each other. So, whenever you need us....
Sending prayers up for you and your son.
I've missed ya, Roz. Glad you stopped in for an update.
Sorry to hear it's not going well for you.
You need more time here with us. lol
I know you hurt for your son. I hurt for my son too, sweetie.
The choices he makes....aaarrrrrgggggg.
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can do.
There's nothing you can do.
Kinda like a mantra for me. Try it. There's nothing I can do.
Have you read any good books lately on boundries?
Do you attend meetings at all? Sorry, can't remember.
Well, read around. Get caught up.
We're still here for each other. So, whenever you need us....
Sending prayers up for you and your son.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Rozied))))) I'm sorry it just doesn't end. I know jail isn't your idea of a good place for your son, but at least he is safe. I tried to double up on meetings, come here and read daily readings as much as possible when my daughter was way. I had to work as hard on me as she was on here in order to find some peace and serenity myself. Hugs and prayers
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi Diane!
Sorry about the hearthache, just wanted to send you support & hugs.
Until the day he is out, try not to think about it (yeah i know easier said than done)...but try to enjoy the fact that, for now, you don't have to worry about him. When he's out then it's another story as we all know that, even we want to be super strong, we still worry about "what ifs.." Reason more for you to try relax now and gather as many tools as possible (being back to SR is one ;P
xo
Carine
Sorry about the hearthache, just wanted to send you support & hugs.
Until the day he is out, try not to think about it (yeah i know easier said than done)...but try to enjoy the fact that, for now, you don't have to worry about him. When he's out then it's another story as we all know that, even we want to be super strong, we still worry about "what ifs.." Reason more for you to try relax now and gather as many tools as possible (being back to SR is one ;P
xo
Carine
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Hi Diane, it is tough having an addict and then on top of it in + out of jail.
I always offered rehab to my son and he took me up on it 10 weeks ago. Of
course to do this we have to be willing to pay for it.
Maybe your son will be ready when he is released if there is a plan to offer him.
Often addicts "age out" around your son's age and surrender to treatment.
You've been through this w/ him for so many yrs. I bet you are just warn out.
No matter how old they get as Moms we always hope for them to be healthy
and live a decent life. Your son's time for this might come.
I bet you know all the rules for detachment...I hope you are able to put them to practice
so the the worry doesn't stress you out.
I always offered rehab to my son and he took me up on it 10 weeks ago. Of
course to do this we have to be willing to pay for it.
Maybe your son will be ready when he is released if there is a plan to offer him.
Often addicts "age out" around your son's age and surrender to treatment.
You've been through this w/ him for so many yrs. I bet you are just warn out.
No matter how old they get as Moms we always hope for them to be healthy
and live a decent life. Your son's time for this might come.
I bet you know all the rules for detachment...I hope you are able to put them to practice
so the the worry doesn't stress you out.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
((Diane))
I'm sorry he's struggling and in jail, I know how hard it is to watch. Sadly, it is next to impossible to do any kind of psychiatric evaluation when they are actively using and even when they can, sometimes when they stop using drugs, the mental disorder lessons at the same time. Addiction itself is insanity, and sadly we just can't do anything to stop it.
Diane, I feel your cringe at the thought of when he gets out of jail. Sweetie, WE aren't the only solution to their problem...WE're not even a good one. Perhaps he could go to a rehab, the Salvation Army programs cost nothing, or he could go to a halfway house. And if he refuses these better choices, it doesn't mean that you have to take him in. Maybe leaving him to make a different choice for himself will mean a different result.
It's okay to keep yourself safe and not allow him to bring his darkness into your home. It's hard, but it's okay and it's a healthy choice that will let you live longer and better.
My prayers go out for all of you, that this time around you each find a better path.
Mom-to-mom Hugs
I'm sorry he's struggling and in jail, I know how hard it is to watch. Sadly, it is next to impossible to do any kind of psychiatric evaluation when they are actively using and even when they can, sometimes when they stop using drugs, the mental disorder lessons at the same time. Addiction itself is insanity, and sadly we just can't do anything to stop it.
Diane, I feel your cringe at the thought of when he gets out of jail. Sweetie, WE aren't the only solution to their problem...WE're not even a good one. Perhaps he could go to a rehab, the Salvation Army programs cost nothing, or he could go to a halfway house. And if he refuses these better choices, it doesn't mean that you have to take him in. Maybe leaving him to make a different choice for himself will mean a different result.
It's okay to keep yourself safe and not allow him to bring his darkness into your home. It's hard, but it's okay and it's a healthy choice that will let you live longer and better.
My prayers go out for all of you, that this time around you each find a better path.
Mom-to-mom Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry you are going thru this. detach works for me. as long as i do not have the front row seat it is better for me. learn to take care of you. you are right, it may not ever end. expect nothing when he does get out but hope & pray fpr the best. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rozied)))
Lots of good support and advice above.
I have to agree with Ann. YOU do not have to be the one he depends on when he gets out. My dad has always loved and been supportive of me, but I'm learning the huge lessons I need to learn because he steps back and lets me deal with my consequences.
I do live with him, but I pay rent and it helps us both out. If I use....I am out, no questions asked.
When we addicts figure things out on our own, it not only gives us confidence but can be a big deterrent to going astray again. Letting him fend for himself doesn't mean you don't love him....it means you love him so much that you let him find his own way, even though it hurts like hell.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Lots of good support and advice above.
I have to agree with Ann. YOU do not have to be the one he depends on when he gets out. My dad has always loved and been supportive of me, but I'm learning the huge lessons I need to learn because he steps back and lets me deal with my consequences.
I do live with him, but I pay rent and it helps us both out. If I use....I am out, no questions asked.
When we addicts figure things out on our own, it not only gives us confidence but can be a big deterrent to going astray again. Letting him fend for himself doesn't mean you don't love him....it means you love him so much that you let him find his own way, even though it hurts like hell.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Once again thank you all for your love & support.
First off Ann & Amy, My hubby refuses to let him live with us. I really don't want him too either mainly cuz I think he needs alot more help at this point than I can give him. He has been doing it so long I really think it has affected his mind. Plus all the problems he now has after so many yrs of using are many & in order to make it I think he has to have a really good support system around him. I wish I was wealthy enough to afford to offer him the very best long term treatment money can buy, but I'm not.
I was glad to hear the Salvation Army has free programs, I think Teen Challenge is another good resource. The main campus is not far from my home & they take people no matter what their age & they can live there as long as they want to. MtnGirl told me about UNITE but they only have that in Kentucky. I wish this country had much more help available to people. They must know how bad the drug problem is & people that are in the depths of addiction usually do not have jobs, money or insurance. Plus alot of families are so fed up with them they cut them off.
Carine, I am sorry to see you are still going through this. how is Chris doing?
SS, Thanks. I think I know how to detach pretty well & I know he will be 41 in Sept but no matter how old he is he is still my child & I love him. I will not do anything to hurt myself or the other members of our family but if I can offer him a treatment plan & IF HE IS READY TO SERIOUSLY TAKE IT that would be great.
Right now as Carine has added I do not have to do anything about it today. I know thats the reason animals & kids are happy............they only live in the present moment. They do not think about the past or worry about the future they live the now.
The more I do that the better my life is.
I am really glad I had sense enough to start posting again........you guys are the best!
Love & Hugh Hugs,
Diane
First off Ann & Amy, My hubby refuses to let him live with us. I really don't want him too either mainly cuz I think he needs alot more help at this point than I can give him. He has been doing it so long I really think it has affected his mind. Plus all the problems he now has after so many yrs of using are many & in order to make it I think he has to have a really good support system around him. I wish I was wealthy enough to afford to offer him the very best long term treatment money can buy, but I'm not.
I was glad to hear the Salvation Army has free programs, I think Teen Challenge is another good resource. The main campus is not far from my home & they take people no matter what their age & they can live there as long as they want to. MtnGirl told me about UNITE but they only have that in Kentucky. I wish this country had much more help available to people. They must know how bad the drug problem is & people that are in the depths of addiction usually do not have jobs, money or insurance. Plus alot of families are so fed up with them they cut them off.
Carine, I am sorry to see you are still going through this. how is Chris doing?
SS, Thanks. I think I know how to detach pretty well & I know he will be 41 in Sept but no matter how old he is he is still my child & I love him. I will not do anything to hurt myself or the other members of our family but if I can offer him a treatment plan & IF HE IS READY TO SERIOUSLY TAKE IT that would be great.
Right now as Carine has added I do not have to do anything about it today. I know thats the reason animals & kids are happy............they only live in the present moment. They do not think about the past or worry about the future they live the now.
The more I do that the better my life is.
I am really glad I had sense enough to start posting again........you guys are the best!
Love & Hugh Hugs,
Diane
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