How do I find a sponsor?
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
How do I find a sponsor?
At my meeting the other night, one of the chair persons suggested that I work on finding a sponsor this week. I know she is right because I'm totally convinced it could help me with my recovery.
My question is this: Do I ask someone in my group? It's a small group and there are two ladies in there that would be good cannidates. Or is it ok to ask someone that is not part of my alanon group? I have a dear friend that is 20 years sober and she lives by the 12 steps.
Should my sponsor be in alanon or is it ok for them to be a recovering addict like my friend?
I have always been a shy introverted person so I'm a little nervous at asking someone. I don't know why I'm nervous, maybe fear of rejection. I don't want to seem like I'm bothering someone or wasting their time. --serious Codie moment going on here--
So anyway, I guess I'm just looking for a little advice from those of you that have sponsors and those of you that are sponsors as to how to go about asking someone.
I have been putting this off for way to long..
My question is this: Do I ask someone in my group? It's a small group and there are two ladies in there that would be good cannidates. Or is it ok to ask someone that is not part of my alanon group? I have a dear friend that is 20 years sober and she lives by the 12 steps.
Should my sponsor be in alanon or is it ok for them to be a recovering addict like my friend?
I have always been a shy introverted person so I'm a little nervous at asking someone. I don't know why I'm nervous, maybe fear of rejection. I don't want to seem like I'm bothering someone or wasting their time. --serious Codie moment going on here--
So anyway, I guess I'm just looking for a little advice from those of you that have sponsors and those of you that are sponsors as to how to go about asking someone.
I have been putting this off for way to long..
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Look for someone in your group that has what you want.
hmmm she looks like she understands and has such peace about her.
Asking and getting past that shy feeling is part of your growing and recovery.
hmmm she looks like she understands and has such peace about her.
Asking and getting past that shy feeling is part of your growing and recovery.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
my understanding of a sponsor is that it should be someone that "has what you want"
that you see them talking the talk and walking the walk of the Steps & Traditions of your recovery. As far as someone from another 12 Step program, that would depend for me personally, as I see it - an "alcoholic/addict" has a different perspective on some situations than the perspective of an "al-anon" - that may help or hinder the sponsor/sponsee relationship
Only you will know.
After all there is nothing wrong with asking someone to be your temporary sponsor - just to see if the relationship is going to work. If it doesn't work - then you are able to say "this isn't working out for me, I'd like to try to work with someone else."
Best wishes on working with a sponsor - it is has been and is a great part of my recovery.
Rita
that you see them talking the talk and walking the walk of the Steps & Traditions of your recovery. As far as someone from another 12 Step program, that would depend for me personally, as I see it - an "alcoholic/addict" has a different perspective on some situations than the perspective of an "al-anon" - that may help or hinder the sponsor/sponsee relationship
Only you will know.
After all there is nothing wrong with asking someone to be your temporary sponsor - just to see if the relationship is going to work. If it doesn't work - then you are able to say "this isn't working out for me, I'd like to try to work with someone else."
Best wishes on working with a sponsor - it is has been and is a great part of my recovery.
Rita
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Here is some great information about sponsorship from the Al Anon Book - How it Works:
SPONSORSHIP
From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pp 36-38
Sponsorship is one of the chief resources we use to help us to cope with and recover from the effects of alcoholism. A sponsor is someone with whom we can share about ourselves and our circumstances in detail. Most of us choose a sponsor who has been involved with Al Anon for some time, someone who is familiar enough with the program to help us learn to apply it to our own lives. Although most of Al Anon’s principles and techniques involve simple, easy-to-grasp ideas, slogans, or actions, knowing when and how to put them to work in our lives can be very confusing, and a sponsor can be a great help.
Between Al Anon meetings, we can call our sponsor when we face a difficult situation, achieve a goal, feel confused, or just want to talk. It’s wonderful to have someone to turn to who already knows our story, someone who has made a commitment to be there to listen and to share with us, someone who can offer a different perspective on our situations, someone who respects our privacy and will keep what we say absolutely confidential. A sponsor is a friend, a confidant who has experienced alcoholism’s devastating effects and yet has learned through Al Anon to find serenity and hope. He or she listens, shares experience, strength and hope, and offers support and encouragement.
But a sponsor does not have all the answers. He or she is just another human being who is recovering from the effects of alcoholism. None of us is finished with our personal growth, no matter how long we have been in Al Anon. As sponsors, we must be especially careful to avoid giving specific advice about what to do or not do in a particular situation. The idea is to help our fellow members find their own answers in their own time.
When looking for a sponsor, it sometimes helps to attend several different Al Anon meetings in order to come into contact with a variety of members, although it is not always possible to do so. Most of us look for someone who is actively trying to apply the Al Anon program to his or her life. This means that we look for sponsors who try to take the various principles and practices the program offers and apply them to their own lives. For example, many of us seek a sponsor who works the Twelve Steps, observes the Twelve Traditions, is active in service work, reads al Anon literature, uses the slogans, and seems to share from the heart. It is also suggested, in most instances, that we choose a sponsor of the same sex to avoid complications and emotional involvements that might make the relationship less beneficial. But there are no rules in Al Anon. The most important thing is to be willing to reach out and ask for the help we need, human to human. If we hear someone with whom we identify, we can speak with them after the meeting or ask for their phone number. If we feel comfortable with them and feel we could develop a rapport, perhaps we will ask them to sponsor us.
At first, many of us feel reluctant to ask anyone to make such a big commitment to us. Alcoholism has often taken a heavy toll on our self-esteem, and we feel unworthy to ask for so much attention. We don’t want to impose or be a burden to anyone. It can take awhile to discover that such a request is not a burden but a privilege and an honor. Sponsorship is a mutually beneficial relationship. It allows sponsors to focus on the Al Anon principles in a new way, and provides them an opportunity to practice the Twelfth Step. No one works the program harder than a willing newcomer, and many longtime members are inspired by those we sponsor to renew our commitment to our own recovery by the efforts and the progress of others. We often see a reflection of ourselves in those we sponsor. WE may recognize areas in which we need to work harder and places where we are overly hard on ourselves. We see how far we’ve come and how much farther we need to go. And we hear in what is shared with us and in our responses exactly what we ourselves most need to hear. Sponsorship is a tool our Higher Power can use to help both of us to grow.
Most of us are flattered to be asked to sponsor another member, but sometimes, for any variety of reasons, the person being asked may be unable to say “yes”. If our first choice is unavailable, then we are encouraged to ask someone else. For many of us, there is no greater resource for building trust and learning to communicate honestly and with dignity than sponsorship. The sooner we avail ourselves of this opportunity, the sooner we can start to grow in these areas. Nonetheless, each of us works this program at our own pace. There is no right or wrong time to find a sponsor. Some of us are ready right away, some of us wait quite a while before we feel moved to take this step, and some of us never choose it at all. It is never too late to get a sponsor, and we are free to change sponsors at any time.
Sponsors cannot make the Al Anon program work for others. Each of us, sponsor and sponsored alike, must apply the Al Anon Steps, principles, and practices ourselves. And even the most dedicated sponsor cannot be available all the time. It is important to remember that a sponsor is only one of many voices in Al Anon. If help is not available in the first place we look, it is our responsibility to reach out to other members. Our needs are important. It is up to us to make sure that they are met.
SPONSORSHIP
From How Al Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pp 36-38
Sponsorship is one of the chief resources we use to help us to cope with and recover from the effects of alcoholism. A sponsor is someone with whom we can share about ourselves and our circumstances in detail. Most of us choose a sponsor who has been involved with Al Anon for some time, someone who is familiar enough with the program to help us learn to apply it to our own lives. Although most of Al Anon’s principles and techniques involve simple, easy-to-grasp ideas, slogans, or actions, knowing when and how to put them to work in our lives can be very confusing, and a sponsor can be a great help.
Between Al Anon meetings, we can call our sponsor when we face a difficult situation, achieve a goal, feel confused, or just want to talk. It’s wonderful to have someone to turn to who already knows our story, someone who has made a commitment to be there to listen and to share with us, someone who can offer a different perspective on our situations, someone who respects our privacy and will keep what we say absolutely confidential. A sponsor is a friend, a confidant who has experienced alcoholism’s devastating effects and yet has learned through Al Anon to find serenity and hope. He or she listens, shares experience, strength and hope, and offers support and encouragement.
But a sponsor does not have all the answers. He or she is just another human being who is recovering from the effects of alcoholism. None of us is finished with our personal growth, no matter how long we have been in Al Anon. As sponsors, we must be especially careful to avoid giving specific advice about what to do or not do in a particular situation. The idea is to help our fellow members find their own answers in their own time.
When looking for a sponsor, it sometimes helps to attend several different Al Anon meetings in order to come into contact with a variety of members, although it is not always possible to do so. Most of us look for someone who is actively trying to apply the Al Anon program to his or her life. This means that we look for sponsors who try to take the various principles and practices the program offers and apply them to their own lives. For example, many of us seek a sponsor who works the Twelve Steps, observes the Twelve Traditions, is active in service work, reads al Anon literature, uses the slogans, and seems to share from the heart. It is also suggested, in most instances, that we choose a sponsor of the same sex to avoid complications and emotional involvements that might make the relationship less beneficial. But there are no rules in Al Anon. The most important thing is to be willing to reach out and ask for the help we need, human to human. If we hear someone with whom we identify, we can speak with them after the meeting or ask for their phone number. If we feel comfortable with them and feel we could develop a rapport, perhaps we will ask them to sponsor us.
At first, many of us feel reluctant to ask anyone to make such a big commitment to us. Alcoholism has often taken a heavy toll on our self-esteem, and we feel unworthy to ask for so much attention. We don’t want to impose or be a burden to anyone. It can take awhile to discover that such a request is not a burden but a privilege and an honor. Sponsorship is a mutually beneficial relationship. It allows sponsors to focus on the Al Anon principles in a new way, and provides them an opportunity to practice the Twelfth Step. No one works the program harder than a willing newcomer, and many longtime members are inspired by those we sponsor to renew our commitment to our own recovery by the efforts and the progress of others. We often see a reflection of ourselves in those we sponsor. WE may recognize areas in which we need to work harder and places where we are overly hard on ourselves. We see how far we’ve come and how much farther we need to go. And we hear in what is shared with us and in our responses exactly what we ourselves most need to hear. Sponsorship is a tool our Higher Power can use to help both of us to grow.
Most of us are flattered to be asked to sponsor another member, but sometimes, for any variety of reasons, the person being asked may be unable to say “yes”. If our first choice is unavailable, then we are encouraged to ask someone else. For many of us, there is no greater resource for building trust and learning to communicate honestly and with dignity than sponsorship. The sooner we avail ourselves of this opportunity, the sooner we can start to grow in these areas. Nonetheless, each of us works this program at our own pace. There is no right or wrong time to find a sponsor. Some of us are ready right away, some of us wait quite a while before we feel moved to take this step, and some of us never choose it at all. It is never too late to get a sponsor, and we are free to change sponsors at any time.
Sponsors cannot make the Al Anon program work for others. Each of us, sponsor and sponsored alike, must apply the Al Anon Steps, principles, and practices ourselves. And even the most dedicated sponsor cannot be available all the time. It is important to remember that a sponsor is only one of many voices in Al Anon. If help is not available in the first place we look, it is our responsibility to reach out to other members. Our needs are important. It is up to us to make sure that they are met.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I listened and listened at meetings. I finally went to someone whose recovery I admired and I asked her to be my sponsor. It was a big scary to approach her, but I did, and I was SOOOOO glad that I did !
I have moved to another state, and I've asked a few people in my area to be my sponsor. Two of them have said NO. I earned that if someone says no, it's NOT about me or something I did wrong. It means that they are going thru some of their own stuff, or perhaps they have too many sponsees, etc etc.
Sponsorship is an incredible thing and it leads to many wonderful gifts.
I have moved to another state, and I've asked a few people in my area to be my sponsor. Two of them have said NO. I earned that if someone says no, it's NOT about me or something I did wrong. It means that they are going thru some of their own stuff, or perhaps they have too many sponsees, etc etc.
Sponsorship is an incredible thing and it leads to many wonderful gifts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I was desperate
I got a sponsor early on - because I was crazy and angry and confused - and then I got desperate. The alcoholics in my life were sober and I was still "off the wall". I had to do something. I was almost more obssessed with them sober than when they were drinking (where are you going, what meeting is it, who is there, did you talk to your sponsor, your breath smells funny, your eyes look red ..... ad nauseum).
I'd been going to meetings, but didn't realize that there was more to recovery than that. (Sitting in a garage won't make me a car, anymore than sitting in a meeting will make me sober) After the meeting, I was crying yet again and I just went up to a woman that I knew had been in Alanon for some years - that had a similar family situation - and that seemed to be happy and laughed a lot. There was no laughter in my life at that time. And just blurted out - will you help me!
I used Lynn for a few years, and when I moved I found a woman with lots of recovery time - sober and drunk alcoholics in her life - but I could see that she was happy, laughed and had a life not consumed with alcoholics. She was active in service work, worked the steps, told her story and was a good member of Alanon. I wanted what she had, so I did what she did. I've had Terri as my sponsor for 19 years. We've walked a lot of miles together. And she is a huge blessing in my life.
So give it a try - you deserve it!
Love in recovery,
Jody
I'd been going to meetings, but didn't realize that there was more to recovery than that. (Sitting in a garage won't make me a car, anymore than sitting in a meeting will make me sober) After the meeting, I was crying yet again and I just went up to a woman that I knew had been in Alanon for some years - that had a similar family situation - and that seemed to be happy and laughed a lot. There was no laughter in my life at that time. And just blurted out - will you help me!
I used Lynn for a few years, and when I moved I found a woman with lots of recovery time - sober and drunk alcoholics in her life - but I could see that she was happy, laughed and had a life not consumed with alcoholics. She was active in service work, worked the steps, told her story and was a good member of Alanon. I wanted what she had, so I did what she did. I've had Terri as my sponsor for 19 years. We've walked a lot of miles together. And she is a huge blessing in my life.
So give it a try - you deserve it!
Love in recovery,
Jody
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