Newbie - Hello -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
Newbie - Hello -
My NAW had a recent relapse, she had been sober for two years prior to her relapse.. I’ve been in the program before; I’ve been sober for 18 years. I’m a heroin addict. I had a relapsed my first try, so I know what she is going through. Right now my wife is in a facility to help her with her addiction. She has made great progress; she has found her reasons why she relapsed through the program. What I fear for some stupid reason, is that I’m going to loose her. I can’t explain it; I guess I feel that I’m going to loose her to the program, I can’t understand why I would want her to be the same way she’s always been, why would I want her to be messed up? Why am I afraid of her changing to something better? Maybe it’s because then I won’t have to put out the fires anymore. I guess I’m so used to doing things for her, I may loose that dependency. Why is that scary? I know she misses her family, she’s’ been in recovery for 24 days now, and she’ll be home soon for awhile, then she’s going to a shelter. We’re moving in with my sister, and my BIL doesn’t want my wife living at his home, he doesn’t trust her anymore. That’s fine, but why put me and our kids in the middle of the situation? It’s hard to think right now, I can’t understand why I’m feeling all of this distrust, doubt, and pain. Any suggestions out there? Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome.
Change is scary but we must do our best to embrace it because, without change, you are left with stagnation (or in your wife's case, a nasty heroin addiction) and that's not healthy for anyone.
Addiction is a family disease, so at this time, I think it would be a good idea not to focus on your wifes recovery, but focus on your own recovery from the devestation of her addiction, and the recovery of your children.
I can't answer your questions for you but I bet that if you made a list, thought about them honestly, you could probably answer them yourself...
Maybe you should attend some alanon or naranon meetings yourself... Maybe you should talk to your wife... Keep reading and posting... stay in the present, and don't forget the serenity prayer. We can never know what the future will bring.
Change is scary but we must do our best to embrace it because, without change, you are left with stagnation (or in your wife's case, a nasty heroin addiction) and that's not healthy for anyone.
Addiction is a family disease, so at this time, I think it would be a good idea not to focus on your wifes recovery, but focus on your own recovery from the devestation of her addiction, and the recovery of your children.
I can't answer your questions for you but I bet that if you made a list, thought about them honestly, you could probably answer them yourself...
Maybe you should attend some alanon or naranon meetings yourself... Maybe you should talk to your wife... Keep reading and posting... stay in the present, and don't forget the serenity prayer. We can never know what the future will bring.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I agree with Hello-Kitty. In my life, one way or another change has ended up bringing more blessings into my life than I could have ever imagined. It was hard sometimes during the process - like right now in my life - but looking back, I wouldn't change a thing (
)
Giving up the role as the "fireman" of the family is scarey. I don't have kids, but I equate it in my own mind a little like the empty nest syndrome. All of a sudden the family that kept you so busy, is growing up, and the relationships are changing. You have more time for you. It's not that you have "lost" anyone, it's just different.
Your kids need you to work on you, and them.
(((hugs)))
)Giving up the role as the "fireman" of the family is scarey. I don't have kids, but I equate it in my own mind a little like the empty nest syndrome. All of a sudden the family that kept you so busy, is growing up, and the relationships are changing. You have more time for you. It's not that you have "lost" anyone, it's just different.
Your kids need you to work on you, and them.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Eastern, KY
Posts: 17
Change is scary, but without change there is no growth. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing and welcome to the forum. Everyone has helped me so much, and I have only participated for a couple of days.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
change is scary but it's going to happen anyway. You know that addiction is progressive and that if she doesn't stay sober it will all change in one direction and eventually end in jail, an institution, or death. If she does stay sober then "everything" does need to change. Have you considered reworking recovery along the way? Maybe that way you wouldn't feel that you were losing her to recovery and would learn to let go of the need to put out fires. I believe that under every addict is a raging co-dependent. We all have the same disease. It's normal to not want to give up your "drug" but the good news is that there is a way to do it.
Welcome -
Welcome -
Last edited by lightseeker; 04-30-2008 at 05:15 PM. Reason: left out word
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I, too, am a recovering addict. I am also a recovering codie (codependent). I'm not married, don't have kids, but that didn't stop me from focusing on everyone and their problems, trying to "fix" them.
Thanks to the great people here, I am learning to focus on me. It's not selfish, but it is necessary. Your wife is going to do what she's going to do...you can't control the outcome. Obviously, you want her back in the family. But you know that there's much more to recovery from addiction than to just stop using.
Change is really scary, and there are going to be changes. Hopefully, you can find a way to be supportive, but let her work her recovery. You and I have both been down the recovery road, and it's really hard to not try to tell another recovering addict what they should do. I've learned to say "if it was me, I would...... but I know you'll figure it out on your own". I've had to bite my tongue more than a few times.
I hope you stick around here...there is a ton of support and I have learned so much! When I stopped focusing on what would happen to ME if someone does something else, it was a very good feeling. I'm not saying that what she does won't affect you, because it will. I'm just saying that when we realize we can handle whatever HP and life throws at us, we aren't so wrapped up in what the A is doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I, too, am a recovering addict. I am also a recovering codie (codependent). I'm not married, don't have kids, but that didn't stop me from focusing on everyone and their problems, trying to "fix" them.
Thanks to the great people here, I am learning to focus on me. It's not selfish, but it is necessary. Your wife is going to do what she's going to do...you can't control the outcome. Obviously, you want her back in the family. But you know that there's much more to recovery from addiction than to just stop using.
Change is really scary, and there are going to be changes. Hopefully, you can find a way to be supportive, but let her work her recovery. You and I have both been down the recovery road, and it's really hard to not try to tell another recovering addict what they should do. I've learned to say "if it was me, I would...... but I know you'll figure it out on your own". I've had to bite my tongue more than a few times.
I hope you stick around here...there is a ton of support and I have learned so much! When I stopped focusing on what would happen to ME if someone does something else, it was a very good feeling. I'm not saying that what she does won't affect you, because it will. I'm just saying that when we realize we can handle whatever HP and life throws at us, we aren't so wrapped up in what the A is doing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
MisterCM,
Welcome to SR. So glad you've found this place.
My best suggestion would be find and Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting near you and get there as fast as you can. As a person who already knows about recovery, you must realize that we, the loved one of the addict, suffers from the disease, just on the other side of the fence.
Al Anon has helped me save my sanity when dealing with my AD. Hope you can find a meeting in your area. They sure have helped me realize that I don't need to be taking care of my AD. She, like your wife, is an adult and it's not our job (we, the family members) to take over their lives and duties, nor enable them to continue the manipulation of us to get us to do those very things.
Hope to see you around here some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. So glad you've found this place.
My best suggestion would be find and Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting near you and get there as fast as you can. As a person who already knows about recovery, you must realize that we, the loved one of the addict, suffers from the disease, just on the other side of the fence.
Al Anon has helped me save my sanity when dealing with my AD. Hope you can find a meeting in your area. They sure have helped me realize that I don't need to be taking care of my AD. She, like your wife, is an adult and it's not our job (we, the family members) to take over their lives and duties, nor enable them to continue the manipulation of us to get us to do those very things.
Hope to see you around here some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
it sounds like a codie moment to me.
As codepenent people WE are supposed to initiate the change. So that WE can continue to control the situation. When someone we have HELPED for so long decides they need to do something for themselves WE as codies panic because WE think they won't need us anylonger.
Go with it brother, you are going to feel loads better when you have more time to yourself. I found a hobby, me, I never in a million years thought I could possibly have time to get a hobby, I've always had to deal with everyones stuff and yeah put fires out. But guess what, I"M LOVING IT!!!!! Scarey at first but it's really a feeling of "self" if that makes sense.
good luck
As codepenent people WE are supposed to initiate the change. So that WE can continue to control the situation. When someone we have HELPED for so long decides they need to do something for themselves WE as codies panic because WE think they won't need us anylonger.
Go with it brother, you are going to feel loads better when you have more time to yourself. I found a hobby, me, I never in a million years thought I could possibly have time to get a hobby, I've always had to deal with everyones stuff and yeah put fires out. But guess what, I"M LOVING IT!!!!! Scarey at first but it's really a feeling of "self" if that makes sense.
good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
Update: Last night she called from the center and told me she is po'd about how people there are not dealing with their addiction the way she feels they need to. (Diversion) So she gave me an ultamatum; she TOLD me that either she comes home, or she lives out on the street. I told her "Well thats your choice, if you feel that living out on the streets is a better place for you to deal with your recovery, then go for it, in the meantime the kids and are are doing fine we'll see you around sometime" and I hung up. This morning, she called me and said she staying. Good for her, and good for me. I didn't get into the "fixing the problem" mode. I got into myself and thought of what needs to be done for our children. I put my family first. I'm very proud of myself. But boy was that scarry. I found an ALANON meeting but, I have to figure out when I can go, we're in the process of packing and moving in with my family. I know as soon as I get my first chance to get to a meeting I'm taking it!
hopefull husband
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
I'll second the "Good for You" Well done.
I'm in a similar situation. Dad at home with mom in rehab (5 months and counting). Was very relieved when she left, for her sake a little, but mostly for mine. All of a sudden I was anjoying my kids, things were in order and as close to a "normal" life as I'd experienced in a long time.
Now her return is nearing, and I'm starting to stress. How will I do, how will the kids do, how will she do? Will she do what needs done?
So I'm trying to work on that, just dealing with my part. Taking care of myself and the kids. Detaching and letting go was easy as she got on a plane to rehab. Keeping that going the right way will be harder once she's home. Finding this site has opened my eyes a bit to what I need to do. Starting with meetings. Also having trouble finding the time, babysitter etc, but it has moved to the top of my priority list.
I'm new at this and don't have many great words of wisdom, just wanted to say I understand where you are. Good on you for setting those limits, and good gor her for staying in her program.
I'm in a similar situation. Dad at home with mom in rehab (5 months and counting). Was very relieved when she left, for her sake a little, but mostly for mine. All of a sudden I was anjoying my kids, things were in order and as close to a "normal" life as I'd experienced in a long time.
Now her return is nearing, and I'm starting to stress. How will I do, how will the kids do, how will she do? Will she do what needs done?
So I'm trying to work on that, just dealing with my part. Taking care of myself and the kids. Detaching and letting go was easy as she got on a plane to rehab. Keeping that going the right way will be harder once she's home. Finding this site has opened my eyes a bit to what I need to do. Starting with meetings. Also having trouble finding the time, babysitter etc, but it has moved to the top of my priority list.
I'm new at this and don't have many great words of wisdom, just wanted to say I understand where you are. Good on you for setting those limits, and good gor her for staying in her program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
"I'm new at this and don't have many great words of wisdom, just wanted to say I understand where you are. Good on you for setting those limits, and good gor her for staying in her program."
I was told about this book, I think it could help us through this. "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'm getting it tomorrow. How about we both read it and we both can work through this. Cool?
I was told about this book, I think it could help us through this. "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'm getting it tomorrow. How about we both read it and we both can work through this. Cool?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Friendswood TX
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by rahsue 
it sounds like a codie moment to me.
As codepenent people WE are supposed to initiate the change. So that WE can continue to control the situation. When someone we have HELPED for so long decides they need to do something for themselves WE as codies panic because WE think they won't need us anylonger.
Go with it brother, you are going to feel loads better when you have more time to yourself. I found a hobby, me, I never in a million years thought I could possibly have time to get a hobby, I've always had to deal with everyones stuff and yeah put fires out. But guess what, I"M LOVING IT!!!!! Scarey at first but it's really a feeling of "self" if that makes sense.
good luck
As codepenent people WE are supposed to initiate the change. So that WE can continue to control the situation. When someone we have HELPED for so long decides they need to do something for themselves WE as codies panic because WE think they won't need us anylonger.
Go with it brother, you are going to feel loads better when you have more time to yourself. I found a hobby, me, I never in a million years thought I could possibly have time to get a hobby, I've always had to deal with everyones stuff and yeah put fires out. But guess what, I"M LOVING IT!!!!! Scarey at first but it's really a feeling of "self" if that makes sense.
good luck
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
you're sounding better already!!!!! getting to a meeting is a real good idea, I choose not to go to meetings, (I'm too busy with my hobby, lol) what helps me along is reading the 12 steps and applying them to me, I know I should get a sponsor but again, too busy with my hobby, (I volunteer at the zoo as a docent(volunteer teacher/tour guide)
I am only supposed to go one day a week, well I find myself getting up in the morning and just going, I work weekend nights so I have weekdays free. My kids are grown well there old enough I should say I don't know how GROWN they are hehe. anyway, read the steps, and really think about them, it's amazing the stuff we can find out about ourselves.
good luck!!
I am only supposed to go one day a week, well I find myself getting up in the morning and just going, I work weekend nights so I have weekdays free. My kids are grown well there old enough I should say I don't know how GROWN they are hehe. anyway, read the steps, and really think about them, it's amazing the stuff we can find out about ourselves.
good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
your wife & your life will go through alot of changes if she is really serious about getting & staying clean. the first thing you should know is her program has got to come first if she wants to stay clean.it is not about what you want or the kids want it is all about her & her recovery. you need to get yourself into a program(meetings). you said you are going & i do hope you will. she will still need you but in a different way. keep coming back here & we will all walk this walk with you. welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us.i am sending up prayers for you & your family.
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