cen616

:wtf2

My A has abstained for over two weeks (to my knowledge), but hasn't been looking for help through counseling, meetings, or any other avenue to come back from his relapse.

I just got into my e-mail and found this message from him:

"Hi honey!

Just to let you know, Tomorrow is payday and I get off early. I have not had any bad cravings but better safe than sorry. If you can't take a lunch to pick up my check, you might want to make frequent phone calls.

Love ya"

Is this good or bad? On one hand, maybe he's just recognizing a trigger (money) and asking for my help to avoid it.

On the other hand, this--and a couple of other things--are striking me as wrong. What's been happening is that, when he feels an urge to go use, he calls me. When he thinks he needs reinforcements to avoid a situation that might trigger him, he calls me. He did the same thing when he was getting close to his relapse...talked to me about his feelings, his urges, his fears of using again. Not a sponsor, not a fellow addict, not a drug addiction professional, but ME.

Before the relapse, I'd tell him the same thing over and over: "Whatever you do or don't do is up to you." Since the relapse, I tell him the same thing over and over: "Get to a meeting, call an AA friend, or call a doctor."

But, why is he coming to me? Because he trusts me? So he can blame me if all goes horribly wrong? I just don't get it. He's been in AA/NA for ages, he's done multiple years sober, he knows how it all works...And, I don't want to fix him or take responsibility for his using or not using.

I'm not even sure what my question is here...I guess it's "Is this e-mail a reasonable request and should I honor it or tell him to pick up his own check and whatever happens from there is his responsibility?"

onlyliveonce

Gosh this can be a hard decision on your part. Does your household bills depend on his check? If they do I would go ahead and get it to have the bill money safely put away. I totally understand you wanting him to own his decisions and not depend on you. That's how resentment festers. At least he's talking honestly but the real answer will be when he does pick up his check what are his actions. I'm trying to go only by his actions these days. His words don't mean anything to me right now so show me. If you're trying to help him that's fine but put all decisions back in his lap like you are doing. I would still go get the check and then you won't worry about if he's gonna use or not. If he does it won't be with his check.

hello-kitty

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Take the money. If he's going to relapse, he's going to relapse. But at least your bills would be paid.

You could always draw a boundary and insist he sees a therapist or attends outpatient (you could go with him) re his addiction, or the next relapse he's out. But that's your decision. If he's involving you in his recovery, then I don't think it is out of line for you to recommend it. That takes the relapse responsibility ball out of your court and puts it back in his - because he chose not to get help, even after you offered to attend with him.

cen616

The household bills absolutely do depend on his check. Yes.

cen616

Anvilhead...THANK YOU for letting me know I'm not the only one. And, since you seem to be a no-nonsense hard-ass on most issues (meant as a BIG compliment ), from what I've seen on the boards, it's especially good to hear it from you.

You just described our situation to a T. When he and I first got together, he was in active recovery but still said..."I can't be trusted with money. Take it all, make sure my share of the bills are paid, and then give me an allowance out of what's left over." The allowance used to be $20 at a time. Since the relapse, it's been $1 at a time, as needed, for bus fare or a soda. I AM the warden. No doubt.

And, in relapse, he hasn't taken money (or property) from me. He blew money he was supposed to send to his ex for child support, so he still stole, but not from our household. So, the warden thing has worked.

But, before, I knew he could pick his check up and then hand it over to me for deposit. He's not trusting himself to do that right now. I guess I should be grateful he's telling me that right up front.

Yeah...I'll pick up the check.

peaceteach

I've been doing a little reading on the substance abuse forum (my son is a substance abuser) and several posts by addicts talk of this type of thing. One in particular was saying how helpful it was to have his dad hold his meds for him and only allow him his exact dosage, no matter how much he wanted more, in trying to wean off substances (in a doctor's care also). I think your AH sounds like he is trying to avoid any pitfalls in this early recovery and knows that a load of money in his pocket is a trigger for him. Those triggers can tip them right over the edge if they aren't careful.

I agree with you on not wanting to be responsible for his recovery and for wanting him to find a program where he can discuss these issues with fellow addicts instead of making YOU his counselor. I would keep that as my goal as well. But helping him to avoid a trigger while also benefiting your family finances seems like a positive step to me. For the time being, of course.

Even when my exAH was sober, I insisted we get on automatic deposit with his paycheck so that the bills got paid. I think many husbands and wives have this arrangement and they find it works well if one person is in charge of keeping the homefront running

ZombieWife

I have no issue being the keeper of the finances in the house. It gives me a piece of mind. If my husband wants anything, we have a credit card that I got for him that has no cash withdraw services on it. And, I can keep track of where he goes and what he buys.

He actually prefers it that way because he knows:

1. he's bad with money
2. it's a safety net to some extent

So, the paycheck thing isn't a bad idea, imho. What seems "weird" is that he is really leaning heavily on you and that can be a two-edged sword. When things are great, then they're great. When they go bad or if he slips, it may open the door for him to blame you in some way or for you to feel responsible if he does.

Ask him again about therapy or group work (through AA or whatnot.) You can't be his therapist and a sponsor and a spouse all in one, can you? I mean, maybe it's possible, but it can get very claustrophobic for you both.

:ghug

One of my biggest issues being the wife of an addict is that I needed someone else to talk to about some of this stuff--someone that was not him. And he talks to his best friend quite a bit and confides in him. I think that's necessary in a good relationship (regardless of whether or not someone is an addict.)

Freedom1990

I see no problem with you picking up the paycheck since it does pay bills.

What is disturbing is him leaning solely on you for support.

Seems like a nice little way to avoid being accountable to a sponsor or others in recovery.

I wouldn't take on that load.

lightseeker

I'd take that money and make sure that my bills are paid no matter what he ends up doing. During his 1st year of recovery my RAH asked me to do a number of things - monitor his bank accounts, random drug test him, etc. and I agreed to do all of that because he told me that he wanted (and needed)to be accountable to get through the first part of not using. He did go to counselling for a while and has struggled on/off with meetings. He has a sponsor but never uses him. Oh well....it's his program not mine. I did finally (after 2 1/2 years) lay down a boundary of 3 meetings a week or he is out. I don't care if he sleeps through them or not - he just needs to get there. I don't think it keeps him sober but it does help to keep me sober. He acts like a (worse) SOB when he doesn't go to 3/wk.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are the only one that knows the ends and outs of your relationship....you'll find your way.

cen616

Thanks to all of you for the words of encouragement. I suppose I'm torn, at times, because of that whole "don't do for the addict what he can do for himself" rule we all try to abide by. It's so hard for them to take responsibility for their own stuff that I hate to "mother" him in any way. But, the financial part is to my benefit and to the whole household's benefit...and I suppose there are plenty of non-addicts who can't handle money.

But, yes, him relying on me as his support is a problem. I can't be it...I don't know what it's like to be an addict and certainly have no professional training. I don't know if he's trying to avoid accountability to others (sponsors, doctors, what-have-you), make me accountable. I don't know. I know he tends to feel I am the total opposite of him (in control, mature, and as he puts it "good"), and I think he...this is going to sound wierd, but I think it's true...really believes I'm strong enough to "save" him. Like I said, though, I keep putting that ball back in his court. Maybe, eventually, he'll pick it up and take the shot. *sigh*