NEVEREnds

Can someone help me with writing a letter to a very angry AH??? I want to express my feelings and concerns and desire for him to leave, although he has nowhere to go, without it seeming as if I'm pointing fingers, blaming, etc. I need to be able to express what I am feeling without it turning into an argument or a situation where he can twist and turn everything on to me. I don't want to be cruel or mean or have it seem like I am all he has and should be thankful, but I want him to know that since he does not respect me and continues to choose his way, there is too much damage to be fixed and I need him to move on.

This seems to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't want anyone to hurt any more than they already are.

Thanks again.

Chino

Make it all about you and keep it short and sweet. If he's using it will go in one ear and out the other anyway, after he has his tantrum. Write the letter for you because that's who it's really for.

Tell him you have needs and boundaries and they aren't being met, that you need to take care of yourself and it's time to do that.

I read this in this forum and it's so perfect:

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Bernadette

Hiya NEVERends--

I think your letter is all here in your post!

.
Dear X-
I know that you are angry. I am not blaming or pointing fingers.
I need to express my feelings here clearly, and have it in writing so you will not twist my words.
I am grateful for all you've ever done for me. But since I do not feel respected, and since I feel other things are more important to you than me or our relationship, I have chosen to leave you and move on with my life.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In fact, it is causing me a lot of pain too. And yet I know that it is what I must do. For myself and for my own life.
Love,
Nvrends

You said it all!!!
Good luck - keep it SHORT and about you ("I" statements not "you" statements) and wishing you the best of luck as you step gently toward your new life!!
Life changes and relationships end for all kinds of reasons - not just addiction...so don't feel guilty. You gave it your best shot - it's unhealthy, and you want to go now and you have that right. End of story.
Peace,
B.

MsPINKAcres

((NEVEREnds))

I have written many of those letters during my life with my AH - and no matter how hard I try - I have never been able to get him to understand things from my perspective. And thru these last few talks he and I have had - I finally get why.

He can't. He's an Addict and I'm not. We will probably never see the situation the same.

But I can let go of trying to convince him that I'm doing these things for the best of both of us - Thru my own recovery, I have learned that am entitled to set boundaries that are for my best interest and as long as I am not being spiteful, malicious or anger-driven; then I need not worry about how those boundaries are accepted by others. That would be in their garden of self and something for them to take care of.

It is ok to take care of me and to allow others the dignity and self-respect to care for themselves.

In writing letters - I have found that it has helped me to write several before I am able to write to the person I need to communicate. I usually need to write an "anger" letter to the disease - cause I'm pissed that I have to do this in the 1st place, then I try to write a letter to my HP asking for wisdom & guidance, a letter of encouragment to myself that I can & will do what is best for that little person inside of me - Then I reading to write to the actual person.

That is just a process that helps me get my emotions under control and my thoughts in order before trying say what I want to say.

Just my e, s, & h,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

best

KISS Keep It Simple & Short

On one of my rants, the only thing my wife said...

If you don't like it here, you should make a choice and leave.

Her words came across to me as this...
My actions are saying I am not happy here and "I" need make a choice.

At another point she stated...
I won't tell you what to do...you need make your own choices.

She understood that if she said do this or that, I could blame her in my own mind.... it is her fault we are separated.

No more enabling? I need make my own choices?
Her soft emotionless tone shouted to me...YIKES! She really means it this time!


No matter what you say or how you say it..we tend to find some way in our own mind to blame you. Not giving him extra fuel by telling him what to do, but point out that he needs to make his own choices will possibly start him on the path of doing things for himself.

Soft quiet tones YELL! because we need to place more focus on what you are saying to be able to hear it.
Put the issue in his lap as you point out that he needs make a choice.

NEVEREnds

Thank you all so much. I am new to this and I'm not sure how to work the "quotes" but wanted to say that how do you set boundaries under such stressful, angry times without being anger-driven, somewhat spiteful. I feel like although what I say and do is to protect my feelings, I feel that they are definitely anger-driven and could be seen as spiteful.

I love the multi letter idea and will begin the process tonight using all the tools I have read so far. I know that he will still not understand what I am saying or why since he is in such denial, but I feel that it is something that needs to be done for my sense of self, which is just about gone.

Thank you all.

hello-kitty

Boundaries are about YOU. Not the other person. They are about the kind of treatment that you are willing to accept in your life and the actions you are going to take.

For example, I will not be around people who use illegal drugs. Therefore, if someone is using illegal drugs, I will ask them to leave my house. If they refuse to leave, I may call the police.

Or

I deserve respect. If someone is being rude and disrespectful to me in my home, I will tell them to leave or I will walk away from them and not engage them in further conversation until they can treat me with the respect all human beings deserve.

Chino

Anger is an emotion but spite tends to be an action. If your anger gives you strength and resolve that's OK. But if you slip into spite then you're wanting to fight.

I used to have a war of words with my RAD all the time and I can tell you in hindsight it accomplished nothing. Just a big old headache, my heart pounding, and lots of hurt feelings usually on my end.

When I set my boundaries and was prepared to follow through, I stopped fighting. There was no need because I had nothing to prove.

Taking5

Neverends,

I hope everything works out for you, but here is a piece of advice about letter writing to men:

DON'T

Even SOBER men are not that much into letters, let alone the men that are still "out there". You have had, I am sure, uncountable conversations about his issues. Nothing you end up doing as far as drawing boundaries, telling him to leave, or for that matter, leaving yourself, should surprise him. It is time to take care of yourself now.

So if you want to write this letter for yourself, have at it. But as an alcoholic man, I can only give you my experience in this area. I believe it will fly right over his head. So if you write this letter, do not write it for him.

Just my 2 cents.