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back from the family IOP session...

Old 05-01-2008, 07:22 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post
I'm sorry for not stopping in sooner, I know how hard this can be.

I have to say, if you attend meetings for you, and have therapy for you, and he wants a divorce, you can step back anytime you want. No need to go through painful IOP sessions.
Its all about you now...and we're walking with you
(((Hugs)))
thank you for this....I decided to do the IOP sessions for myself even though they are painful. I wouldn't do them if i didn't think I could handle it. If it becomes unbearable next session i think I will stop going, but I only see them helping my understanding. for now (and always) my faith is in God to guide me with what to do.
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Old 05-02-2008, 07:07 PM
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I hope each day is a little less painful. I know it really can feel like there is no getting past the pain, but you will; promise. Remember too that you are dealing with finals as well...lots of added stress, so be gentle with yourself.

it was me and 3 others...a bit small for me. I felt like I was crashing their party. I think I need a larger one where I can sit back and listen for a few meetings.

I understand your feeling. I went to a meeting like that when I was first trying meetings (a couple of more people, but they seemed very close and not too warm to a newcomer) and I did feel uncomfortable. But i found that was the exception, definitely not the norm. I kept trying meetings until I found the one that really clicked. I could feel the connection and the serenity when I walked in. It's been my home group ever since and I look forward to Thursday nights still.
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Old 05-06-2008, 11:54 PM
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so 2nd iop family therapy....it was a tough one. we had a fight before hand and i went in crying...probably looking fool. I'm pretty down tonight. wishing he was here.
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Old 05-07-2008, 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by offhegoes View Post
and i went in crying...probably looking fool.
I have yet to see a fool cry so I don't think you looked like a fool.
Things you will learn... Some issues in life are our problem that we caused.
What I have seen most every single time...
99% of the problems and issues come from the person that is using.
1% are from a family member that is dealing with a user.

I have seen people take that 1% and then try to take on the guilt of the 99%.
If you go to the IOP meetings and Anon meetings for you.. you should leave his issues at home. You don't need carry around his guilt. When he is ready, he will pick up his own issues and deal with them himself.
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Old 05-07-2008, 09:46 AM
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Offhegoes,

Oh, the ole dreaded IOP sessions. I remember them well. Did I say I'd rather have 36 root canals?

Hang in there, Off. Our family session at my AD's rehab was NOT fun. I went from feeling so guilty to being mad as a hornet, wanting to pinch her little head off. And you know what? That session was very critical to my recovery and hers. At the time, it was horrible. Today, well you know the ole saying...."Hindsight is 20/20". We needed that session in order to give us all a kick in the pants to scoot us on down our road of recovery.

So hang in there. If you keep working your recovery (try meetings), you'll get better.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 05-07-2008, 11:45 AM
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Good for you for going through the sessions; even though it is painful it will help you heal in the long run.

One thing I love about al-anon is that when the old negative habits/voices in my head start creeping up, I can remember what I've learned and rewrite the old scripts in my head. So even when I'm feeling REALLY bad, I know I can read my literature, say my serenity prayer, call an al-anon friend, or come here to read or write about it. I don't have to stay in my old negative place because I know there is a happier, more peaceful place I can get to if I work hard enough to get there. I hope you find that place for yourself too.
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:22 PM
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so now he no longer wants me to go to the sessions he says it's all over and there's no point. I'm a wreck!!
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:43 PM
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As hard as it may be and as painful as it may feel...
An answer given in a mono tone voice that says...If that is your choice (and say nothing more)
What that will do is have him thinking on things and let him know that it is his choice. As his ego and self esteem go up and down, he may continue in the flip flop of choices.

Continue to work on your own needs. Rather then sessions...Al Anon meetings or Nar Anon meetings may gain you needed answers.
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:45 PM
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I agree with everything best said. Work on YOUR needs, regardless of what he wants.
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Old 05-10-2008, 12:53 PM
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I'm trying to work on me....it's just every week he seems to throw something new at me. As for the monotone answer...i already failed on that one. I cried and screamed. He gets to me like no one else, allows me to let my guard down and then pow...he dumps **** on me and leaves.
he says he can't be around me for anything but business type things like selling the house, that he's unable to handle the guilt he feels around me. (like it was my fault).
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Old 05-10-2008, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by offhegoes View Post
...the guilt he feels around me. (like it was my fault).
We tend to do that. We feel the guilt but project it out at others. Till he learns to deal with his own issues that can continue. It is the addiction talking. It hurts but it hurts less when you realize it isn't a personal attack upon you.

His guilt and shame is heavy right now. What he says at you is more of what he feels about himself.
A progression of recovery...
No recovery... can't be my fault so it must you your fault.
Starting in recovery... guilt and shame and self preservation has us pass it on because we don't yet know how to deal with it.
Growing in recovery...we start to accept our own issues.
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Old 05-10-2008, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by best View Post


A progression of recovery...
No recovery... can't be my fault so it must you your fault.
Starting in recovery... guilt and shame and self preservation has us pass it on because we don't yet know how to deal with it.
Growing in recovery...we start to accept our own issues.
thanks for this....
I can see the process in him.
he hated me and thought I drove him to take the drugs...
now he feels guilty to what he did to our marriage and me...
....who knows when he'll be able to accept it...he's unable to completely focus on recovery. he first thought about our marriage...and fixing that (which i never required him to work on at the moment) it didn't work....
then he threw himself into work as soon as he started IOP, working 14 hr days going to rehab then "trying" to work another shift after that. he finally came to his senses with that one...
NOW he's taking leave from work for rehab, but he wants to focus on selling the house and things that need to be done to it.
When is he going to realize he needs to just focus on rehab? it's like he's there but not there.
*sorry for the rant* I'm still reeling from all this.
I know i can only take care of me...but it still is frustrating to see him bang his head against a wall like that!
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by offhegoes View Post
When is he going to realize he needs to just focus on rehab?
It may be today or it may be next year. It may also be never. Asking yourself questions like that does you more harm than good.

Ask yourself this one: When am I going to realize I need to just focus on me?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:47 PM
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Welcome Offhegoes

I am so very proud of you for taking the first step to recovery. Good for you!

Take it one day at a time! Take care of yourself first! In the end it will all be worth it! Life Is Good!

Hugs & Prayers, Devastated
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