Why is it so hard to leave?!?!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Why is it so hard to leave?!?!?
I know many of you know me already, I have been on here for quite a while now. I think I have probably posted this question/comment before....I just need to let it all out (thank GOD for this site).
Background: My AH has been to impatient rehab twice and outpatient rehab once and he is now once again smoking pot along with exhibiting all of the other addict behaviors that go along with it (lying, the pot isn't his, he found it, he didn't buy it etc.). This time he only had 30 days of sobriety and I am not even sure it was that long. We have been together for seven years, about three of those years have been complete drug induced chaos.
Most of the time I feel like I am so ready to leave. After I look back on all of the things drug abuse and addiction has done to our relationship it makes me sad. I have no children and long to have them but I don't think my AH is in a place where he can be a good father (I am 27). I just want to TRUST my husband, and I haven't truly trusted him in over three years. I want a good marriage and a functional family and all I have is dysfunction. I am tired of being manipulated and feeling like I AM the crazy one. Can the damage that has been done in the past ever truly be healed?
and then I question myself.
I haven't been single in 7 years! I am afraid of being alone? My marriage vows I took meant something to me. My parents stayed married through thick and thin, why can't I? I am not a quitter! What if I can't find anyone that wants to be with me? I don't want to start over, I can't financially afford our home and bills all by myself. It kills me to think of him with another woman. I always thought I would be with him. I want children so bad, what If I can't find someone to have children with? I am ashamed to be divorced, I am ashamed that my marriage is failing. I would be ashamed that I failed. I do not want to fail.
Does everyone have that "ah-ha" moment when you decide to leave? Or can you still be in love with someone and feel that your only choice is to leave?
Just venting really, thank you for listening. I guess I am still feeling alone and lost.
Background: My AH has been to impatient rehab twice and outpatient rehab once and he is now once again smoking pot along with exhibiting all of the other addict behaviors that go along with it (lying, the pot isn't his, he found it, he didn't buy it etc.). This time he only had 30 days of sobriety and I am not even sure it was that long. We have been together for seven years, about three of those years have been complete drug induced chaos.
Most of the time I feel like I am so ready to leave. After I look back on all of the things drug abuse and addiction has done to our relationship it makes me sad. I have no children and long to have them but I don't think my AH is in a place where he can be a good father (I am 27). I just want to TRUST my husband, and I haven't truly trusted him in over three years. I want a good marriage and a functional family and all I have is dysfunction. I am tired of being manipulated and feeling like I AM the crazy one. Can the damage that has been done in the past ever truly be healed?
and then I question myself.
I haven't been single in 7 years! I am afraid of being alone? My marriage vows I took meant something to me. My parents stayed married through thick and thin, why can't I? I am not a quitter! What if I can't find anyone that wants to be with me? I don't want to start over, I can't financially afford our home and bills all by myself. It kills me to think of him with another woman. I always thought I would be with him. I want children so bad, what If I can't find someone to have children with? I am ashamed to be divorced, I am ashamed that my marriage is failing. I would be ashamed that I failed. I do not want to fail.
Does everyone have that "ah-ha" moment when you decide to leave? Or can you still be in love with someone and feel that your only choice is to leave?
Just venting really, thank you for listening. I guess I am still feeling alone and lost.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Leaving my AH was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and yes, I still loved him in my own sick way. I had all the same questions running through my head as you do.
I have worked very hard at living in the moment. That negates the guilt of the past, and the fear of the future.
For the most part, I have raised two girls by myself over the past 21 years.
I found that having a support group for my own recovery and working to resolve my codependency issues has been a huge help in my journey.
As I stated in a different thread, I did continue to hook up with unhealthy men after I left the AH, but thank God I finally began to see that the common denominator in all my failed relationships was me, and I needed to fix me.
I've been without a relationship now since 1999, and it has been such a freeing thing to work on me and learn to be okay with me. I set some goals for myself, and will finally finish up my college degree starting this summer now that both of my daughters are adults.
I have worked very hard at living in the moment. That negates the guilt of the past, and the fear of the future.
For the most part, I have raised two girls by myself over the past 21 years.
I found that having a support group for my own recovery and working to resolve my codependency issues has been a huge help in my journey.
As I stated in a different thread, I did continue to hook up with unhealthy men after I left the AH, but thank God I finally began to see that the common denominator in all my failed relationships was me, and I needed to fix me.
I've been without a relationship now since 1999, and it has been such a freeing thing to work on me and learn to be okay with me. I set some goals for myself, and will finally finish up my college degree starting this summer now that both of my daughters are adults.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Oh Daisy I do understand and so will many others.
How about you take a nice clean 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. Draww a line down the middle of the paper the length (11") of the paper.
On the one side at the top write PROS of Staying. On the other side at the top of the paper write CONS of Staying.
Now you have you are ready to start your Pros and Cons list. Work on it for as long as it takes as more Pros and Cons will pop into your head for a few days.
You also said you are still in love with him. Well....................................here's something you can write about. Are you IN LOVE with Him? or with the HIM he was? or with the HIM YOU THOUGHT he was? or with the idea of Marriage, House, Kids, etc? (That was me w/2nd hubby, not that I didn't love him, I did, but was not in love with him).
By working on these two projects you will bring yourself much closer to your own "AHA MOMENT" and will be better equipped to decide what is best for YOU. Not him, YOU. I am sure you know the 3 C's, didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it.
So the above will help you in deciding if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life or not. I know that with most of us our marriage vows did have the phrase "til death do us part." However, I hve become a firm believer that this particular phrase does NOT MEAN that we have to suffer ABUSE, and yes addiction in a partner is AB USE on us.
So, take the time YOU need. Do some writing, make that list, oh and KEEP POSTING, as we do care very much, and I personally believe that you will slowly or quickly find the answers you are looking for, to make this decision for YOU, just YOU.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
How about you take a nice clean 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. Draww a line down the middle of the paper the length (11") of the paper.
On the one side at the top write PROS of Staying. On the other side at the top of the paper write CONS of Staying.
Now you have you are ready to start your Pros and Cons list. Work on it for as long as it takes as more Pros and Cons will pop into your head for a few days.
You also said you are still in love with him. Well....................................here's something you can write about. Are you IN LOVE with Him? or with the HIM he was? or with the HIM YOU THOUGHT he was? or with the idea of Marriage, House, Kids, etc? (That was me w/2nd hubby, not that I didn't love him, I did, but was not in love with him).
By working on these two projects you will bring yourself much closer to your own "AHA MOMENT" and will be better equipped to decide what is best for YOU. Not him, YOU. I am sure you know the 3 C's, didn't CAUSE it, can't CONTROL it, and can't CURE it.
So the above will help you in deciding if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life or not. I know that with most of us our marriage vows did have the phrase "til death do us part." However, I hve become a firm believer that this particular phrase does NOT MEAN that we have to suffer ABUSE, and yes addiction in a partner is AB USE on us.
So, take the time YOU need. Do some writing, make that list, oh and KEEP POSTING, as we do care very much, and I personally believe that you will slowly or quickly find the answers you are looking for, to make this decision for YOU, just YOU.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Yes you can still love someone and leave them. It is very hard, but if it is driving you crazy to be with that person then you start to save up money and get out when you can afford it. YOu are not the only one that feels this way.
I knew that when I kicked out my husband, the months before I got the guits to tell him. I made changes I made him open his own bank account and start paying his own bills, and let him see what we were doing with the money we made. I could not afford to be on my own but it was better then living with someone I could not trust.
I knew that when I kicked out my husband, the months before I got the guits to tell him. I made changes I made him open his own bank account and start paying his own bills, and let him see what we were doing with the money we made. I could not afford to be on my own but it was better then living with someone I could not trust.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh Daisy my heart goes out to you. Once I felt exactely as you do now. Maybe if I relate my experience it might help. I will condense this as much as possible. I married my ex husband when I was 18. It was much against my family's wishes. I had my 1st son when I was 19. I think I left him 9 times the 1st few yrs. He was a compulsive gambler ( same as drugs addiction is addiction )
I knew nothing of addiction at the time. I started attending Gam Anon. Eventually I divorced him but not cuz I was ready it was family pressure. After a few yrs we remarried & for 3 yrs things were good. I had another son then OTB opened & he started gambling again. He got in trouble with the law & ran away. He wanted us to join him. I stayed & started college instead. Then I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. My sister then fixed me up with a blind date & he fell in love with me. Finally I had something to compare my relationship to him with. This other guy treated me like gold & he was even 6 yrs younger than I was. He was 21 & I was 27. We broke up because of me but the time spent away from my 1st husband was what I needed. I had been just as addicted to him as he was to gambling. I was not a quitter either & my parents are now married 65 yrs so divorce was not in our family. I loved my 1st husband with all my heart but the problem was I gave him my soul too & that belongs only to my HP. I am 61 now & have found out that love must be unconditional to survive till death due us part & in order for love to be unconditional the person you are in love with cannot do anything that you can't live with.( and vice a versa ) I remarried after 10yrs on my own & we will be married 23 yrs this coming Nov & I who had thought I could never love anyone the way I loved my 1st, love my present husband more each day. There is nothing he does that I can't live with.
After 25 yrs my ex called me about 5 mts ago.. He went from gambling to drugs & has only been clean & sober since he was 58. He is now 63. If I would have stayed with him I would have been waiting the better part of my life & my life would have been hell.
He now told me everything I would have given anything to hear way bk then but it no longer matters..........it had nothing to do with his love for me as he didn't love himself so how could he love anyone else? In marriage you must put the other first sometimes & when they are addicted to anything they are not capable of doing that.........ever.
I doubt anyone can sustain a marriage with an addict, or any type of real relationship.
Naturally, I cannot speak for anyone else, but this is my opinion.
Wishing you the best,
Diane
PS Feel free to write me if you want to ask me anything.
I knew nothing of addiction at the time. I started attending Gam Anon. Eventually I divorced him but not cuz I was ready it was family pressure. After a few yrs we remarried & for 3 yrs things were good. I had another son then OTB opened & he started gambling again. He got in trouble with the law & ran away. He wanted us to join him. I stayed & started college instead. Then I found out he had taken up with a topless dancer. My sister then fixed me up with a blind date & he fell in love with me. Finally I had something to compare my relationship to him with. This other guy treated me like gold & he was even 6 yrs younger than I was. He was 21 & I was 27. We broke up because of me but the time spent away from my 1st husband was what I needed. I had been just as addicted to him as he was to gambling. I was not a quitter either & my parents are now married 65 yrs so divorce was not in our family. I loved my 1st husband with all my heart but the problem was I gave him my soul too & that belongs only to my HP. I am 61 now & have found out that love must be unconditional to survive till death due us part & in order for love to be unconditional the person you are in love with cannot do anything that you can't live with.( and vice a versa ) I remarried after 10yrs on my own & we will be married 23 yrs this coming Nov & I who had thought I could never love anyone the way I loved my 1st, love my present husband more each day. There is nothing he does that I can't live with.
After 25 yrs my ex called me about 5 mts ago.. He went from gambling to drugs & has only been clean & sober since he was 58. He is now 63. If I would have stayed with him I would have been waiting the better part of my life & my life would have been hell.
He now told me everything I would have given anything to hear way bk then but it no longer matters..........it had nothing to do with his love for me as he didn't love himself so how could he love anyone else? In marriage you must put the other first sometimes & when they are addicted to anything they are not capable of doing that.........ever.
I doubt anyone can sustain a marriage with an addict, or any type of real relationship.
Naturally, I cannot speak for anyone else, but this is my opinion.
Wishing you the best,
Diane
PS Feel free to write me if you want to ask me anything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
Ive been told when your truly ready to leave you think of nothing else and no sweetness or Im sorrys will slow you down but you just go forward and not look back
Daisylady, I think it might not so much be an "aha" as in one exact moment, more like what cinderellawkids said, we just need to reach that point when we just don't want to do it anymore......that idea of too many cons and not enough pros......
What cinderellawkids said took me back to my own experience with my abusive exH (not my current addict). We had been together 11 years (from 16 to 27 for me). I knew for at least 8 of those 11 that I wasn't happy and couldn't live with abuse forever, no way, but it did take me awhile to just want to leave. My son helped by telling me he didn't want to be around his dad anymore. Then somehow it just clicked, I remember a feeling of clarity......like what cind. said......it didn't matter what he said or did, my head was already out the door. I started putting my stuff in a storage unit while he was at work. Got my own checking account. Asked my mom if I could live with her for awhile. I even "gave" him an ultimatum, knowing he couldn't do it. Sure enough, he screwed up and I packed my stuff--without guilt. I still was scared and nervous, but never had doubts. Now, it hasn't come to that point with my current AH, so I guess I will have to wait and see where my HP takes me......and continue to take care of me in the process.
I haven't been single in 7 years! I am afraid of being alone? My marriage vows I took meant something to me. My parents stayed married through thick and thin, why can't I? I am not a quitter! What if I can't find anyone that wants to be with me? I don't want to start over, I can't financially afford our home and bills all by myself. It kills me to think of him with another woman. I always thought I would be with him. I want children so bad, what If I can't find someone to have children with? I am ashamed to be divorced, I am ashamed that my marriage is failing. I would be ashamed that I failed. I do not want to fail.
As for this paragraph, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you can have a bright, beautiful future.....believe in yourself
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