husband revealed 4 years of drug abuse now he wants a divorce...
 

He revealed he has been addicted to vicodin for 4 years (he is a pharmacist) and has been hiding it from me. It was a complete shock as well as when he told me he no longer loves me. He moved out 2 months ago and now 3 days before he starts rehab he says he wants to move forward with a divorce. I am so overwhelmed and lost. please help. ( I feel he may not be in a place to make a decision like this...but I have never been through anything like this before)

(((offhegoes)))

I wish there was a magic answer to make all this make sense and give you a clear path. The best thing you can do right now, is start reading. Read the stickies at the top of this forum, read through past posts here - you will find lots of others dealing with Opiate Addicts (including me), but bottom-line, it doesn't matter what they're addicted to, the behaviors seem to be mostly the same. When you read more, you might find how even if you didn't know about the addiction you may have been living your life in a certain way to compensate. Codependent. Only you will be able to tell.

It is such a shock to find out. I found out about my AH's Codeine addiction 3 weeks after I wanted a divorce. Turns out it explains just about all the issues I had in our marriage, but it took months and months to get my head wrapped around so much. Take a deep breath, do things in your own time. Take care of you.

Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is a recommended read around here, and IMO opinion the most helpful. I also liked Addict Thinking by Abraham Twerski. Others will have other recommendations.

Glad you found us here. Keep on reading, ask questions, post, etc. Also a major help to you might be to find some Alanon or Naranon meetings to have some face to face support with others who have been where you are now as well as being here.

Welcome. Happy to meet you but sorry for what brings you here.

thanks for the support. I have ordered the mentioned codependancy book. It is just so confusing right now and to have my marriage crumble at the same time it so painful. I just question his ability to judge the future for us. I know that is not good to focus on that but it's all so painful right now.

I understand your pain, and second the suggestions given to you. I will surely keep you in my prayers!

I have attended 1 al-anon meeting...and seem a bit confused by the locations in my area. the info paper given to me has different times and locations than the ones I have found online. I also am shy and don't know if I would be willing to speak in front of a large group of people. The first meeting was extremly small (only 3 other people) and it was easier to speak.

Not much to add, just....

:ghug

thanks for that...:c033:

usually the times on the paper are newer than on line information.
You never have to speak in a meeting...
just say "Pass" if called on.

I'd not be signing divorce papers quickly.
Both of you need time to settle in your new roles.

Blessings to the 2 of you
:hug:

(((((((((Offhegoes))))))))))


http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...welcome-vi.gif


I'm sorry for your pain. Wow! It's like you never really knew him.
That has to be your greatest shock of all. How long were you married?
Please know that you have a place here among us and I hope you
continue to share. I'll check back in and talk with you more later.
Sending prayers,

welcome to SR. Sorry for your pain. There are many great folks here who understand. Keep posting and reading, it does help!
susan

we're married 6 years and together 10. at times it feels like that I never knew him...but at others it seems that he never knew me enough to admit it to me. I was not angry or hurt by the addiction only by the hiding of it. I understood previously that alcohol addiction ran in his family and we kept an eye on that. I feel foolish that I thought he would never turn to prescription drugs since he is a pharmacist and had too much respect for the profession...it never even entered my head. I guess out of all this I am wounded by him wanting a divorce at this time and I feel foolish for never noticing the addiction.

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry that you are having to go through this very difficult time. My AH was also addicted to codeine. I thought the lying and the hiding was the worst part, too, but that's a symptom of the disease. That's what addicts do! You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

I found a good article about how the family adjusts to the loved-one's addiction. I found it to be helpful, because it helped me understand that I wasn't to blame for what was going on. That my reactions to the craziness in the household were normal.
Family & The Relapse Symdrome - TLC The Living Center

I think that it is so hard when you are in a household where there is a disconnect between what you are told is going on, and what you are really experiencing. This can really make you start distrusting your own feelings. That can make you feel crazy. The good news is that you can trust your instinct, gut, and feelings.

thank you all for your thoughts.:You_Rock_

(((((((Off)))))))

Do you have kids together?
It does seem strange that after 10 years being together,
there were no signs. I was married for 10 years to an alcoholic.
I knew he loved to drink when I married him. What a dumba$$, huh?
Well....that's a long story I won't go into. lol
Water under the bridge. Or should I say Budweiser under the bridge?
It's late. Just wanted to check on ya and see how your doin'?
Maybe our paths will cross tomorrow night.
http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...htadorable.gif

We do not have children, which at this moment is a blessing.
I think the fact that I had no idea of the addiction he had for 4 years was due to the fact that he is a pharmacist and knew how to hide it and also I had started school again so my focus was not entirely there. His working situation gave him unbelievable stress and I guess any of the signs that i saw then I chalked up to that stress. But looking back on things I can see all the signs clear as day.

Man, I just read this and I'm almost in tears. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Although our situations are similiar (AH revealed addiction to cocaine 3 months ago) I can't begin to describe if I were hit with divorce and addiction in the same day. That's truly heartbreaking. I hope you find peace girl... truly I do. God has a way of really turning things around that were meant for bad. I pray that He does that in your life...

Thank you for this. the only thing getting me thru is knowing that the addiction has consumed his life and he can not make a decision for the future right now..even if he thinks he can. While he takes this time to recover I am taking/ or trying to take the time to find myself with out him. IF things turn around in the end then so be it but if not hopefully I will be prepared.

it's such a hard day...i just don't want it to be over. my heart is breaking.(for myself this time)

That's good, sweetie. Cry it out, take an hour or two if you need. You will feel cleansed and slightly refreshed after the cry. Take a long hot shower after that and try to occupy your thoughts with something else for an hour or so, just to give your brain some healing time also. Take good care of you and just you for tonight. It's important to spoil ourselves and keep the "girl" in us nurtured very lovingly when we are in pain. Being female we tend to be really good at nurturing others. Turn some of that tendering to yourself. Prayers for you tonight :)