I'm confused so I must be manipulated!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm confused so I must be manipulated!
Well....
As the story (saga) goes, he presented me with a copy of a preapproval! Yes, he just might (I say this cautiously) be able to get the funds together and I won't have to deplete all my savings
The thing is, we (AH and I) ended the negotiation with me feeling like just maybe he was having a hard time. 10 minutes later - he leaves in the car, another 10 min. later he's home. He leaves with tears, he didn't want this, blah blah blah and he comes back Mr. Happy, joking, teasing, engaged!
Is this crazy making or what? I am fine with what we negotiated, what we agreed to works for me and will gain my sanity , but his about-face, just makes me wonder ....
Just what is it he manipulated me on or thinks he did??
I am confused tonight. And, confusion for me = manipulation, or at least tried manipulation.
But, the good news is, it looks like there's a resolution I can live with! I am so thankful to all of you! 6+ mos. ago I was so scared I would enter into an agreement that would end up leaving me resentful and blind-sided. Today, while he maybe got more than he "deserves" I made a deal that was totally worth my sanity and I feel good!
I cannot thank you enough! I look back over these months (remember him asking me to fold his shirts?) and I can't believe how far I've come. I've had slips - even just a few days ago, but getting back on track... for me lightening speed. Big hugs to everyone! I couldn't have gotten here without you and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
:day4
I still have a long way to go for myself, so I'm not going anywhere, but hopefully all this will pan out as the truth and at least I'll be "away" and free!
Many many many thanks! Love and hugs to all!
P.S. Any ideas how you think he "got" me, the agreement's not "inked" yet - I can still look for red flags!
As the story (saga) goes, he presented me with a copy of a preapproval! Yes, he just might (I say this cautiously) be able to get the funds together and I won't have to deplete all my savings
The thing is, we (AH and I) ended the negotiation with me feeling like just maybe he was having a hard time. 10 minutes later - he leaves in the car, another 10 min. later he's home. He leaves with tears, he didn't want this, blah blah blah and he comes back Mr. Happy, joking, teasing, engaged!
Is this crazy making or what? I am fine with what we negotiated, what we agreed to works for me and will gain my sanity , but his about-face, just makes me wonder ....
Just what is it he manipulated me on or thinks he did??
I am confused tonight. And, confusion for me = manipulation, or at least tried manipulation.
But, the good news is, it looks like there's a resolution I can live with! I am so thankful to all of you! 6+ mos. ago I was so scared I would enter into an agreement that would end up leaving me resentful and blind-sided. Today, while he maybe got more than he "deserves" I made a deal that was totally worth my sanity and I feel good!
I cannot thank you enough! I look back over these months (remember him asking me to fold his shirts?) and I can't believe how far I've come. I've had slips - even just a few days ago, but getting back on track... for me lightening speed. Big hugs to everyone! I couldn't have gotten here without you and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
:day4
I still have a long way to go for myself, so I'm not going anywhere, but hopefully all this will pan out as the truth and at least I'll be "away" and free!
Many many many thanks! Love and hugs to all!
P.S. Any ideas how you think he "got" me, the agreement's not "inked" yet - I can still look for red flags!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Two things come to mind, the first is that you should have a lawyer look at the agreement and make sure that your best interests are protected.
The second is that he's an active addict and as such is incapable of keeping promises or agreements, inked or not.
My guess is that your "confusion" is uncertainty as to the validity of his promises. That's really not confusion, that's common sense when dealing with a situation like yours.
Trying to second guess an active addict is like throwing a feather to the wind and trying to guess where it might land. It just isn't possible.
Focus on you, make sure you can look after you no matter what he does. Don't expect honesty and responsibility from someone who is incapable of either.
I don't mean to sound negative, but reality has proven that this is often the case.
Hope it works out well for you.
Hugs
The second is that he's an active addict and as such is incapable of keeping promises or agreements, inked or not.
My guess is that your "confusion" is uncertainty as to the validity of his promises. That's really not confusion, that's common sense when dealing with a situation like yours.
Trying to second guess an active addict is like throwing a feather to the wind and trying to guess where it might land. It just isn't possible.
Focus on you, make sure you can look after you no matter what he does. Don't expect honesty and responsibility from someone who is incapable of either.
I don't mean to sound negative, but reality has proven that this is often the case.
Hope it works out well for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi CodWife--
After what appeared to be a rational business dealing, he was in a bad state, left in the car for ten minutes, then returned smiling and "altered' - sounds like he went and got high maybe?
I say DITTO everything Ann said above. If it's in writing get it checked by a lawyer, and if you're trying to guess what he's up to save your energy - and look out for yourself!!
Peace,
B.
After what appeared to be a rational business dealing, he was in a bad state, left in the car for ten minutes, then returned smiling and "altered' - sounds like he went and got high maybe?
I say DITTO everything Ann said above. If it's in writing get it checked by a lawyer, and if you're trying to guess what he's up to save your energy - and look out for yourself!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Absolutely right! Sent everything to the atty. right away last night and won't be making any moves, signing any agreements, etc. until it's legal, and I won't be signing any leases or anything like that until the money is securely locked somewhere in my name and whatever other safeguards the atty. can come up with.
I just can't believe we sort of came to a conclusion! Ann and Bernadette - so very right, can't believe it until I see it!
For me, the bigger news was, holding my ground during the negotiations! AND recognizing my confusion for what it was right away! As for the actual agreement, even if it does an about face and reverses, I'm OK and covered. I've been in a position to do whatever I've needed to do all these months, and I'll hold to that position and not tap into any of my back-up resources (thanks again for the reminders!) for any which way that feather goes! I like that, it's a perfect analogy!
I just can't believe we sort of came to a conclusion! Ann and Bernadette - so very right, can't believe it until I see it!
For me, the bigger news was, holding my ground during the negotiations! AND recognizing my confusion for what it was right away! As for the actual agreement, even if it does an about face and reverses, I'm OK and covered. I've been in a position to do whatever I've needed to do all these months, and I'll hold to that position and not tap into any of my back-up resources (thanks again for the reminders!
) for any which way that feather goes! I like that, it's a perfect analogy!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Cod-wife-
"For me, the bigger news was, holding my ground during the negotiations! AND recognizing my confusion for what it was right away! As for the actual agreement, even if it does an about face and reverses, I'm OK and covered. I've been in a position to do whatever I've needed to do all these months, and I'll hold to that position and not tap into any of my back-up resources (thanks again for the reminders!) for any which way that feather goes! I like that, it's a perfect analogy!"
YAY!! YOU ARE WORKING IT AND IT'S WORKING!!! Good on you.
Also in your first post you expressed gratitude to the forum - I second that emotion, but also want to say thank YOU - those words quoted above are so inspiring - this journey you are making one day at a time is such an inspiration to me (and I am sure others). I am often in pain when I log on to this forum. Reading stories like yours brings real relief and reassurance to keep on keepin' on!!
Peace,
B.
"For me, the bigger news was, holding my ground during the negotiations! AND recognizing my confusion for what it was right away! As for the actual agreement, even if it does an about face and reverses, I'm OK and covered. I've been in a position to do whatever I've needed to do all these months, and I'll hold to that position and not tap into any of my back-up resources (thanks again for the reminders!) for any which way that feather goes! I like that, it's a perfect analogy!"
YAY!! YOU ARE WORKING IT AND IT'S WORKING!!! Good on you.
Also in your first post you expressed gratitude to the forum - I second that emotion, but also want to say thank YOU - those words quoted above are so inspiring - this journey you are making one day at a time is such an inspiration to me (and I am sure others). I am often in pain when I log on to this forum. Reading stories like yours brings real relief and reassurance to keep on keepin' on!!
Peace,
B.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((cw))
You've come a long way! Congratulations on maintaining your boundaries AND for recognizing possible red flags. My ex was a MASTER manipulator, so I know the confusion that can bring.
YOU GO GIRL!
You've come a long way! Congratulations on maintaining your boundaries AND for recognizing possible red flags. My ex was a MASTER manipulator, so I know the confusion that can bring.
YOU GO GIRL!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Good for you! Trust yourself, not him. Getting a lawyer was also key. I am with Bernadette and the others... he probably went and got high. I am so happy for you and so glad to hear that staying strong and working at it can move you to a place that is good. Some days, I can't see that and justing seeing someone else do it gives me hope.
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