Help Need Someone To Help Me Through This
torninphilly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: philadelphia,pa
Posts: 2
Help Need Someone To Help Me Through This
I am a mother of a beautiful little 4 year old girl and i am 5 months pregnent with another child. Last friday my childs father finalely (only after months of me questioning ) told me that he was on heroin again. This is the 3rd time in a year that i have caught him, the last time was only 2 months ago, and hes been lying to me daily, we just moved into a new home and i thought this was goin to be a good move, i thought my nightmare was over..... boy i have never been so wrong! Monday night i asked him to go to a 26 day program and he just fliped out on me, tellin me to get off his back and that he could do it on his own! I told him he couldnt be so wrong, and he has already showed me that he cant! It took him only two weeks the last time to relaps , even afer all the crying he did, after all the promises, and how much he claims to not want to lose me, and he never wanted to hurt me. So i told him he needs to go to treatment or he was going to lose me, and he told me to just leave him then...... So come tuesday, I left.....i went to my dads house, and its been nothing but turture, my mind wont stop raceing the thoughts that run through my head are killing me inside, I dont want to raise my kids by myself, im scared to death that he's going to to kill himself , he uses my 4 year old to try to get me home, he came here lastnight and got her all worked up she was crying and sayin that she wanted to go home, knowing that if my child was hurting inside i would do ANYTHING to get that pain to stop... it was so hard for me not to give in to her cries, but this isnt good for her to see everyday. I cant eat and i cant sleep, i feel mentaly and emotionaly drained, my shoulders feel so heavy, i feel like my whole world is crashin down on me all at once! I had some many hopes and dreams in this relationship, my whole life has been horrible, between my dads acahool addiction and abuse to my mother that has munchhousen sindrom, my childhood was hell. i thought that finaly i would have a happy "normal" life with him and my daughter, he used heroin for the first time last year right after my birthday had past, and hes been fighting what seems like a loseing battle ever since, now my birthday has once again come around and nothing has changed, well i guess it has changed but for the worse! my birthday is tuesday and there is no reason to celibrate, i find myself askin god why my life is sooooooooo hard , why cant somthing just go right , i dont know if leaveing was the right thing i feel as if im just abandoning him went he needs help, but then i think you cant help someone that doesnt want help. i need some advice from someone that has been through this i need to know if me leave was right, and what i need to do, and how to sort my mixed feelings out so i can think more clearly.... thanks so much for your time.... love you all and thank you for getting sober, keep up the good work....i just hope he wakes up, and takes the steps some of you have taken. OOO XXX
Last edited by cece1960; 04-25-2008 at 09:58 AM. Reason: personal information
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You have to make decisions abt. what you can control, and that is what kind of home you will be providing for your child and baby on the way.
As you know there will be chaos with a heroin addict and I am sure money problems.
Maybe from your childhood experieces being with someone like this seems like a good fit on an unconsious level. He can't be a father or husband to respect until he is ready to kick his habit. But what are you willing to accept and why.
Maybe it is time to formulate a plan bef. the 2nd baby arrives.
I feel so sorry for your pain. You don't deserve this. Love yourself enough to know what acceptable behavior boundaries are.
I bet you have the strength to make the hard choices.
As you know there will be chaos with a heroin addict and I am sure money problems.
Maybe from your childhood experieces being with someone like this seems like a good fit on an unconsious level. He can't be a father or husband to respect until he is ready to kick his habit. But what are you willing to accept and why.
Maybe it is time to formulate a plan bef. the 2nd baby arrives.
I feel so sorry for your pain. You don't deserve this. Love yourself enough to know what acceptable behavior boundaries are.
I bet you have the strength to make the hard choices.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
First of all, I believe you did the right thing by leaving him. I'm a recovering addict, and can assure you that he is going to do what he's going to do...no matter what you say or how much you love him. Most addicts (including me) have to hit our bottom before we will truly seek recovery. As long as someone is there to cushion us when we fall, we won't learn our lessons.
There are a lot of people here who are going through or have been through similar situations, so you might want to read through some of the posts and the "stickies" at the top of the forum.
Another thing that would help you is to go to al-anon or nar-anon.
Please take care of you and your daughter. I know this is really painful for you, but you need to make sure you eat and take care of yourself and the little one your carrying.
Personally, I would do whatever I had to to limit his time with your daughter to protect her. All drugs are bad, but heroin usually involves syringes/needles and it scares me to think your daughter could find one.
Keep reading and posting...you're not alone and there are a lot of people here to give you ES&H (experience, strength, and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
First of all, I believe you did the right thing by leaving him. I'm a recovering addict, and can assure you that he is going to do what he's going to do...no matter what you say or how much you love him. Most addicts (including me) have to hit our bottom before we will truly seek recovery. As long as someone is there to cushion us when we fall, we won't learn our lessons.
There are a lot of people here who are going through or have been through similar situations, so you might want to read through some of the posts and the "stickies" at the top of the forum.
Another thing that would help you is to go to al-anon or nar-anon.
Please take care of you and your daughter. I know this is really painful for you, but you need to make sure you eat and take care of yourself and the little one your carrying.
Personally, I would do whatever I had to to limit his time with your daughter to protect her. All drugs are bad, but heroin usually involves syringes/needles and it scares me to think your daughter could find one.
Keep reading and posting...you're not alone and there are a lot of people here to give you ES&H (experience, strength, and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya torninphilly-
(((HUGS))) so sorry you are going through this and that the man you've loved is hooked on H.
This really bothered me the most in your post:
"He came here lastnight and got her all worked up she was crying and sayin that she wanted to go home, knowing that if my child was hurting inside i would do ANYTHING to get that pain to stop... it was so hard for me not to give in to her cries..."
Wow. That is just the lowest form of manipulation - for him to use your daughter to try to get to you! What kind of a person does that? Certainly not someone you want to be around. When people use kids for their own little power plays it just infuriates me!!
Take it easy - you're in a tough time being pregnant and all - and it is so important that you eat right and sleep (probably hard to do with this heavy stuff going on...)
Take things one day at a time. Is there any way you can get to an Alanon/Naranon meeting? Or some other kind of counseling?
I totally agree with Impurrfect - children should not be in a house with drugs or syringes...neither should you!! Stay safe, keep posting here and reading - you have a full plate but all the strength it would take for you to live with his active addiction (and it TAKES A LOT out of a person!!!) you could focus that same strength level on yourself and your kids and you'll be all right!!
Peace and prayers.
B.
(((HUGS))) so sorry you are going through this and that the man you've loved is hooked on H.
This really bothered me the most in your post:
"He came here lastnight and got her all worked up she was crying and sayin that she wanted to go home, knowing that if my child was hurting inside i would do ANYTHING to get that pain to stop... it was so hard for me not to give in to her cries..."
Wow. That is just the lowest form of manipulation - for him to use your daughter to try to get to you! What kind of a person does that? Certainly not someone you want to be around. When people use kids for their own little power plays it just infuriates me!!
Take it easy - you're in a tough time being pregnant and all - and it is so important that you eat right and sleep (probably hard to do with this heavy stuff going on...)
Take things one day at a time. Is there any way you can get to an Alanon/Naranon meeting? Or some other kind of counseling?
I totally agree with Impurrfect - children should not be in a house with drugs or syringes...neither should you!! Stay safe, keep posting here and reading - you have a full plate but all the strength it would take for you to live with his active addiction (and it TAKES A LOT out of a person!!!) you could focus that same strength level on yourself and your kids and you'll be all right!!
Peace and prayers.
B.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Wow I am sorry you are in this situation. I suppose you already know you can't make your guy quit using heroin...
Pregnant mommies need to focus on their own health. Getting all upset over what someone else is doing is very bad for you right now. So my advice would be take care of you and your babies and be gentle with yourself
Pregnant mommies need to focus on their own health. Getting all upset over what someone else is doing is very bad for you right now. So my advice would be take care of you and your babies and be gentle with yourself
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
You did the right thing by leaving. You can not raise your children around a heroine addict. As you know it is beyond your control, and to manipulate a child is the lowest of the lowest. Typical addictive behaviour. You need to look after yourself eat and rest. I know you had hopes and dreams with him however until he is ready to change your life with him will be chaos. I'm sure your mind is racing however try to take one day at a time. You cant fix everything at once. Keep coming back to this site. There is naranon and counsellors you can speak with. What is most important right now is to look after yourself and your child. He is going to do whatever he wants and obvioulsy at this point his focus is heroine. The addict does not understand that they can't have it all and live a normal life.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
M A N I P U L A T I O N in the sickest form.. he is using your childs emotions to try to manipulate you. He isn't the first addict to do this and he won't be last. I hope though that you will see what he is doing for what it is .. and put a stop to it. Refuse to let him emotionally toy with her even if it means refusing to let him see her UNTIL he gets the help he so badly needs. Us women get all caught up in "oh, she needs her daddy" she needs a functioning daddy who can give her health and wholeness .. right now he cannot.
You have not abandoned him - he has abandoned himself and he is abandoning his responsibilities, his relationship with you and his children by using.
Leaving and going to your fathers was not an act of meanness or done with the intent to be cruel, but rather I'm sure with the hope and heart that your husband would wake up and stop the damage?
What you are doing is hard and it is painful and scary, but it is obviously what you felt was necessary .. an act of desperation perhaps? These reasons themselves mirror your unhappiness .. you say your birthday is Tuesday and there is no reason to celebrate why? because of he is an addict and because you have invested yourself worth in him? Time to pull back and regroup. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY regardless of what he does or doesn't do ... Celebrate! Do something special for yourself, be gentle with yourself, treat yourself kind - Look in the mirror and say I am special and begin to treat yourself like you are a human being worthy of love. Don't wait for him to do it .. because he can't even treat himself right much less you. Doing drugs does not say he loves himself, rather quite the opposite and you can't realistically expect him to give you something he doesn't have. What you can expect him to heap upon you is his brokenness, his internal hate, destruction and sickness because that is all he has right now .. but it is his .. not yours .. and you have been trying to carry his problems, fix him, rescue him, save him and in turn you've abandoned you and your needs in the process ..
Look in the mirror .. see the woman that stands before you? She is reason to celebrate your birthday - Because she is special and important and she needs to be loved .. she must love herself first even in the midst of the pain and hurt she feels in her heart .. she must rise above and save herself. Look in the eyes of your child ... see the innocence? That is reason to celebrate .. she deserves to see her mommy happy, laughing and enjoying life .. C E L E B R A T E YOU!
You did not cause his addiction, you cannot control his addiction, you cannot cure it. You worry that he is going to kill himself .. the truth is He is killing himself slowly and painfully and if you allow it .. his addiction will kill you too .. it is snuffing out your happiness in life your words reveal that truth.
It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to live in misery. You are screaming out to him to stop the madness, to stop using, to change .. drugs are taking him away and in the midst you are losing yourself right along with him .. going down deeper and deeper into the pit of darkness where no good resides, only pain and despair the ugliness will swallow you whole and leave you prisoner to hopeless-ness .. YOU have the power to save yourself and you've found us here at SR .. Use this site as your life line to pull yourself from the pit .. YOU CAN DO IT!
I promise you that though today you do not feel all happy happy joy joy that if you will stick around here and read the stories shared on this site that you will find you are not alone .. there are many people that have been where your at, felt feelings like you are feeling, are familar with your despair and can relate to you right where you are at, but with the help of the SR family have found their way back. You can do it too!
I encourage you to read, read and reread. Learn all you can about his drug of choice and the behavior it produces (this is where you will find that the things he does is not because you are not loveable, but rather because he is an addict and has classic addict behavior) read about enabling, codependency, detachment with love (what you learn will aid you in your own recovery) yes, you need recovery too (we get as sick if not sicker then the addict) They chase drugs we chase them. They get lost in dope we get lose in trying to fix, protect, save, rescue them only to lose ourselves and generally end up feeling just like you said you feel. If possible (and I know you may not feel like it, but try to go to a nar-anon meeting if there is one in your area). Knowledge is power... support systems can help you gain your strength. There is light at the end of the tunnel and here on SR you will find many shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, hearts that care, hands to hold as you walk the path into finding you way back to you. I hope you will stick around
Hugs,
Passion
recovering addict/enabler/codependent
You have not abandoned him - he has abandoned himself and he is abandoning his responsibilities, his relationship with you and his children by using.
Leaving and going to your fathers was not an act of meanness or done with the intent to be cruel, but rather I'm sure with the hope and heart that your husband would wake up and stop the damage?
What you are doing is hard and it is painful and scary, but it is obviously what you felt was necessary .. an act of desperation perhaps? These reasons themselves mirror your unhappiness .. you say your birthday is Tuesday and there is no reason to celebrate why? because of he is an addict and because you have invested yourself worth in him? Time to pull back and regroup. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY regardless of what he does or doesn't do ... Celebrate! Do something special for yourself, be gentle with yourself, treat yourself kind - Look in the mirror and say I am special and begin to treat yourself like you are a human being worthy of love. Don't wait for him to do it .. because he can't even treat himself right much less you. Doing drugs does not say he loves himself, rather quite the opposite and you can't realistically expect him to give you something he doesn't have. What you can expect him to heap upon you is his brokenness, his internal hate, destruction and sickness because that is all he has right now .. but it is his .. not yours .. and you have been trying to carry his problems, fix him, rescue him, save him and in turn you've abandoned you and your needs in the process ..
Look in the mirror .. see the woman that stands before you? She is reason to celebrate your birthday - Because she is special and important and she needs to be loved .. she must love herself first even in the midst of the pain and hurt she feels in her heart .. she must rise above and save herself. Look in the eyes of your child ... see the innocence? That is reason to celebrate .. she deserves to see her mommy happy, laughing and enjoying life .. C E L E B R A T E YOU!
You did not cause his addiction, you cannot control his addiction, you cannot cure it. You worry that he is going to kill himself .. the truth is He is killing himself slowly and painfully and if you allow it .. his addiction will kill you too .. it is snuffing out your happiness in life your words reveal that truth.
It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to live in misery. You are screaming out to him to stop the madness, to stop using, to change .. drugs are taking him away and in the midst you are losing yourself right along with him .. going down deeper and deeper into the pit of darkness where no good resides, only pain and despair the ugliness will swallow you whole and leave you prisoner to hopeless-ness .. YOU have the power to save yourself and you've found us here at SR .. Use this site as your life line to pull yourself from the pit .. YOU CAN DO IT!
I promise you that though today you do not feel all happy happy joy joy that if you will stick around here and read the stories shared on this site that you will find you are not alone .. there are many people that have been where your at, felt feelings like you are feeling, are familar with your despair and can relate to you right where you are at, but with the help of the SR family have found their way back. You can do it too!
I encourage you to read, read and reread. Learn all you can about his drug of choice and the behavior it produces (this is where you will find that the things he does is not because you are not loveable, but rather because he is an addict and has classic addict behavior) read about enabling, codependency, detachment with love (what you learn will aid you in your own recovery) yes, you need recovery too (we get as sick if not sicker then the addict) They chase drugs we chase them. They get lost in dope we get lose in trying to fix, protect, save, rescue them only to lose ourselves and generally end up feeling just like you said you feel. If possible (and I know you may not feel like it, but try to go to a nar-anon meeting if there is one in your area). Knowledge is power... support systems can help you gain your strength. There is light at the end of the tunnel and here on SR you will find many shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, hearts that care, hands to hold as you walk the path into finding you way back to you. I hope you will stick around
Hugs,
Passion
recovering addict/enabler/codependent
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family,
Hate that you have been affected by someone else's drug use - but this is a wonderful place to find support and help in learning how to recover from those affects.
I have found that reading the information here and in recovery books, attending al-anon meetings, sharing with others who have been thru similiar situations and seeking guidance from my Higher Power - that there is hope - Hope for me and my family.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us - There are miracles in recovery for you.
Never forget you are deserving of the ability to live Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of the actions of the ones that we love who struggle with alcoholism/addiction.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Hate that you have been affected by someone else's drug use - but this is a wonderful place to find support and help in learning how to recover from those affects.
I have found that reading the information here and in recovery books, attending al-anon meetings, sharing with others who have been thru similiar situations and seeking guidance from my Higher Power - that there is hope - Hope for me and my family.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us - There are miracles in recovery for you.
Never forget you are deserving of the ability to live Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of the actions of the ones that we love who struggle with alcoholism/addiction.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
torninphilly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: philadelphia,pa
Posts: 2
thank you, but there is more that i havent told you
thank you for all the love and sapport and addvice you all have given me. this is really hard and im happy to hear that i did the right thing by leaveing him. but i didnt say in my post what makes this whole situation really hard is the way i found out i was pregnant again; i started to go to my gyn. to start treatment for cervical cancer, i had gone to several appts. to figure out what treatment i needed, and it was my last round of testing to determan what treatment i needed and they told me that i was pregnant and they couldn't continue the testing until my 3rd. trimester and the babies lungs were developed, then i can start my treatment. i'm risking my life to have this baby for him, im not that healthy of a person and have health issuse besides the cancer, i almost died after the birth of my first child. i had a cycst and a absest on my left overy they sent me home after birth on the 25th of october and by the 5th of november the abcest had ruptured and caused a massive infection through out my body, they told my family that there was a 70% chance that i was going to die durring emergancy sergery, after sergery i spent the next 16 days in I.C.U then i was moved to a normal room for another 9 days before i was released and was prescribed 8 differant meds. that i had to take for a month and a half. they removed my left overy, left tube and part of my uterus on the left, and they told me it would be extreemly hard for me to have a 2nd child, he wanted another one and we were tryin to have this baby for 3 years until this addiction started. and just when it gets hard the baby he told me he wanted is conceived, im high risk and cant work, and should be in bed most of the day. we wanted this child for soooooo long, and now that it has happened what is he doing with this precious gift? and now im left to wonder what is to become of my sweet babies if i cant beat this cancer? who will take care of them if he cant get over his addiction, thats the most scary part...... what if he kills himself by his addiction . where will my babies end up, will they be ok if i end up dying? my plate is deffinatly full and im already stuffed. im going to be 27 soon, and im already faceing the possability of death..... AND I'M SOOOO SCARED!!! Not for me but FOR MY BABIES!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm sorry you have so much to deal with! I probably sound so trite but I think in stressful times, when it feels like the world is going to end tomorrow, it's better just to try to stay in the now. Don't waste it. You have today. That's all any of us have. Worrying isn't going to change the future. Take a deep breath and live in the moment.
I'm glad you have family to support you. Keep posting ok. Your husband is obviously too wrapped up in his problems to help you with yours so waste as little of your energy as possible on him (he is a grown up and can take care of himself). You should use all your precious strength to deal with your illness and your children.
God bless you and your babies during this fearful time.
I'm glad you have family to support you. Keep posting ok. Your husband is obviously too wrapped up in his problems to help you with yours so waste as little of your energy as possible on him (he is a grown up and can take care of himself). You should use all your precious strength to deal with your illness and your children.
God bless you and your babies during this fearful time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
big ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) torninphilly-
You may ned to cast a wide net and seek local help so that you will not have to lean on your A-husband. Have you told your gyno or a nurse the WHOLE story - that your husband is an addict? Be honest and ask for help through your gyno if they can recommend a counselor or steer you in the direction of some serious social services?
Keep reaching out - you need and deserve help and support! Keep asking!
Sending you a beam of strength and courage - and praying for your health!!
Peace,
B.
You may ned to cast a wide net and seek local help so that you will not have to lean on your A-husband. Have you told your gyno or a nurse the WHOLE story - that your husband is an addict? Be honest and ask for help through your gyno if they can recommend a counselor or steer you in the direction of some serious social services?
Keep reaching out - you need and deserve help and support! Keep asking!
Sending you a beam of strength and courage - and praying for your health!!
Peace,
B.
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