life with an addict newly in recovery

Old 04-24-2008, 05:14 PM
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Question life with an addict newly in recovery

I feel completely lost. My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) is a binge crack addict who recently decided he could not get clean on his own and started to go to meetings. After a few meetings, he decided he could not get clean and be in a relationship, so this past weekend he moved out. I got the speech on how he was no good for me, how he was damage and broken and until he fixed that within himself, he was no good for me or anyone else. I am feeling left behind. I stuck by him and supported him through all the bad, and now that he is on the right road. I get pushed away. I am tying to understand the mind of an addict in recovery. If anyone has any advice for me it would be fantastic. Should I attend a nar-anon meeting or an open NA meeting? Is there a chance for he and I?:praying
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Old 04-24-2008, 05:34 PM
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Welcome to SR!

I know it feels like you are being left behind, but as a recovering crack addict, I can tell you it's a full time job (at first) to focus on recovery. Al-anon or nar-anon would be great for you. Though al-anon is for loved ones of alcholics, many, many people have found support there, no matter what substance their loved one uses. It will help you put your focus back on you.

Addiction hasn't just affected him, it's affected you, too, though sometimes it's hard to see until you step back. Recovery from crack, or any other substance, is possible but there is always a possibility of relapse and that is something you need to be aware of. Not only that, but a person who binges on crack usually progresses if they don't seek recovery (I know my addiction progressed really fast). I'm not trying to bring you down, just stating facts. I have 13 months clean and am working hard to make sure crack is never a part of my life again. I left my boyfriend because he continues using.

As far as is there a chance for you two, there's no answer yet. The best thing you can both do is focus on yourselves. Be the best person YOU can be, without focusing on him, and let him be the best HE can be.

Keep posting and read around. There are a LOT of people here in the same position you're in.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-24-2008, 06:20 PM
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Welcome to SR Brentsgirl!

This is more than likely the most confusing time in his life. Without the drugs mucking up his mind, he now has reality dead smack in his face to put it bluntly. All of the feelings that he had been trying to avoid by using are now rushing at him from all directions One of the biggest feelings that most addicts have is guilt and shame. When he said that he felt like he is no good for you, I'm sure he believes that. This is how he is FEELING. Regardless of if he truly is good for you or not, he FEELS that he isn't. He's going to need time to work through his feelings.

You didn't mention if you use or not. Even if it's only on occassion he is going to need to remove himself from people, places and things that are a part of the life he is trying to get out of.

The only one who can answer if there is a chance for the two of you is God. If I were you, I think the best thing you can do is to give him his space. If you pressure him, this could send him back out using because any kind of stress puts an addict early in Recovery is a rough and dangerous spot. Is there some way that you could let him know that you are thinking about him without him feeling overwhelmed? Maybe send him a thinking of you card?

Hang in there. It took him time to get to the point he is at now so it's going o take time to get himself stable.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:22 AM
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still confused....but getting some understanding

Thank you so much for your responses. Right now, everything he has said, although it makes sense, still hurts. I still have some of his things here and am planning on dropping them, along with a note, to his mom's house (thats where he is staying since he moved out). I get the feeling he is pushing me away for both of our sakes. Almost as if he is trying to make less of our relationship to avoid hurting me more and himself. I do know he's still going to meetings and I am planning on going to one tomorrow night, my first al-anon meeting. There aren't many nar-anon meetings locally. This is all very new to me. I do not use drugs and although I knew he had a problem, I thought I could deal with it and believe him when he said he was gonna stay clean. I have never dealt with an addict before. I am hoping that with time, he comes around and we can talk, hopefully work things out, but right here and now, it doesn't look like it. He's just so closed off from me.
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:33 AM
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I had never dealt with an addict either. I as clueless. I went into therapy right away. I knew of a place that I could get free counseling from an intern instead of a psychologist and it really helped. I also started meetings.

In detox, a substance abuse counselor told me that recovery was going to be more lonely and more difficult to understand than living with the addict and she was 100% right. He was going to 2 meetings a day (because he lost his job as a result of his relapse) and several meetings a week in the evenings. I felt like all I was doing was making him coffee and waving good-bye. His phone was constantly ringing from contacts he had made and he was running off to meet with his sponsor alot too.

Give him some space. Like Judy said, he is probably racked with guilt and shame. His self-esteem will slowly return and once he gets solid, perhaps you two can pick up your relationship again. Go to meetings yourself. Addiction, if you are not an addict, if a difficult disease to understand. People here with first-hand knowledge will be very helpful to you. They were and still are to me. I don't think I could have gotten through it without my friends and support system on SR.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:34 AM
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I am so glad I found this sight. Everyones advice has been do helpful and so insightful- thank you! I dropped the rest of the stuff off at his mother's house this morning. As much as I would have loved to give it to him in person, I think it would be too hard on me right now and I don't want to make feel like I am pressuring him. His 12 year old daughter was there, so that was hard in itself. This poor little girl is torn in two. She's aware of his addiction and turned to me alot to talk about her feelings. Now she is feeling like he took me away from her. Even though she and I still talk.

I found a meeting locally tonight, so I am going to go to that. I have to say though, I am nervous. I am still very raw from it all and I know the tears will fall. it is easy to do that here, when I am home and can cry freely, with no one seeing.

One last thing.........I kept his addiction a secret from my family and most of our friends. Now, the secret i tried so hard to keep is out, as I have had to tell some people in order to explain the sudden break up. Funny how I am still defending him. I found that when people said "oh he's just a jerk" I was telling the secret and defending him, saying he's not a jerk, this is why..............
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Old 04-25-2008, 12:06 PM
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I'm glad you found a meeting and are willing to go. You don't have to say anything tonight. People understand that and everyone is usually really nice. Stay busy so that all your thoughts aren't filled with your fella. It's easier said than done. You might also want to get to the bookstore or library and get a book by Melody Beattie. She writes about co-dependency and how to step back and take care of yourself. Everybody talks about her books here so I ran out and got one then a friend sent me another one and I never want to put it down!

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Good for you for not waiting around when you dropped that stuff off. I'm sure it wasn't easy!
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Old 04-25-2008, 04:17 PM
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Well, the meeting I thought was tonight is no longer, so I will wait until next Thursday. I know for sure there is a nar-anon meeting then. So strange that all this is going on and the one person I usually talk about things that are bothering me is him and now I cannot talk to him about this. As far as I know, he doesn't want to talk to me right now, and that is the hardest thing to swallow. He was/is my best friend. I miss him so much. But I am hoping that in letting him go, he will get well and even if things don't work out in the end for the two of us, I at least gave his daughter back her father. I still worry, and still love him, but I have to work on me now I guess.....just not sure where to start.
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Old 04-25-2008, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by brentsgirl View Post
I still worry, and still love him, but I have to work on me now I guess.....just not sure where to start.
You've already started and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days you may shuffle, some days you may run, some days you may crawl. As long as your feet are doing their own dance that's all that matters
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:03 PM
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Yes, you have started...coming here, loving and respecting him enough to not try to guilt him into staying, seeking out meetings...It's ALL good and will really help you. Sorry the meeting wasn't there, but please don't worry about going next week. I know more people who cry at their first meeting (or 6) but the tears are so healing. And when they see those who have been in the rooms for awhile and see love and smiles and even laughter, it is so comforting.
Hugs
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Old 04-26-2008, 08:00 AM
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Well, it's Saturday morning and I just found out that he went to a meeting last night & came home to his daughter (who is there to visit him for the weekend), told her he was going outside to smoke a cigarette and took off. Hasn't been back yet. Off on another binge. He left me to focus on getting clean and now this is two weekends in a row he has taken off on a binge! He was doing the meetings this whole week. I am so angry at him right now! His daughter is devastated and so am I! I had hoped that breaking my heart for his sobriety was all I had to deal with, and now, it's broken and he's still using. I feel so helpless!
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Old 04-26-2008, 09:04 AM
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It will be tough at first... but it does get better. Maybe right now it doesnt feel like it, but give it some time. I found this site to be very theraputic. I havent talked to my ex since i broke up with him 2 weeks ago.. and i only got to talk to him over the phone after being released from jail for some unrelated thing. He's now coming up on 3 weeks straight of being on a binge with no calls... no nothing! You need to be strong! It seems he left maybe b/c he doesnt want to hurt you anymore but really hasnt decided he wants to be clean yet. Just remember you're not alone. That seems to ease the pain a little for me. Hang in there!!!
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Old 04-26-2008, 12:19 PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling left behind, I'm sure it's gotta hurt since you were there for him.
While you were there for him I know all you wanted was for him to get healthy, perhaps this is his road to just that. Sometimes it just can't be about us even though we think we should be a part of the healing process we have to remember it's their addiction and they have to do it. You'll see things differently over time, perhaps you'll get back together perhaps not, but I'm sure you can take comfort in knowing you helped him on his path to a healthy life.
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Old 04-26-2008, 12:41 PM
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Something dawned on me today. As I have said before...in the whole time he and I were together, he never used as much as he has in the past 3 weeks. 3 weeks ago, we had an argument over finances and he took off for 2 days, then last weekend he moved out (to get clean) and took off later that night for 3 days, now this weekend, I dropped the remainder of his stuff off, along with a note telling him how much I care for him and am thinking about him and praying for him yesterday, and last night he took off again. I don't know, and probably never will ,if these things have anything to do with him going on a binge. But what triggers these episodes? I know I should not feel guilty about any of it (causing him stress) but I can't help but think..........The mind of an addict.....I would love to know.
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Old 04-27-2008, 05:31 AM
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((Brentsgirl))

Please, do not think that anything you do or say is making him use drugs. When I was using, I would use anything as an excuse....good day? I'd use; bad day? I'd use; feeling guilty...same thing. As long as he wants to keep using, he will find an "excuse" to keep doing so.

And as far as understanding the mind of an addict....forget it. I am a recovering addict and I can't understand how drugs got such a hold on me; I just know they did.

If he ever tries to tell you that something you did or said made him use, it's only his denial. I had all kinds of reasons why I used. When I got into recovery, I realize that I used because I wanted to be high, and the consequences of my using hadn't gotten bad enough to quit.

Put your focus back on YOU, sweetie, and let him find his own way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-27-2008, 05:54 AM
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Wanting to move on....but can't

I know that this is a process, both for him the addict and for me. But there is still the part of me that is waiting for the morning I wake up and I am not in so much pain, when I am not scared to death for him. When he made the decision to go back to meetings, to focus on his recovery, I had so hoped that this would be it (at least for a while). I knew there would be relapses, but I didn't think they would be so soon. How do you leave a meeting and go and smoke crack? Wasn't that thought in his head during the meeting?

I again want to thank all of those who continue to write & respond with words of encouragement. It means alot and helps me get through another day without him. This outlet has provided a place where I can not only vent my feelings, but also hear that I am not alone and that people have been where I am and where he is. And that it can get better. Thank you.

If you had asked me a year ago if I thought I would be in this situation, in love with an addict, I would have laughed and said no way....yet here I am. And as hard as it has been, I wouldn't change it. I see the wonderful man inside of him and hope to god that he sees him too and fights his demons to let that wonderful man live.

Praying for him still.................:praying
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Old 04-30-2008, 04:09 AM
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Angry day 5

Well today is day 5 and he still hasn't re-surfaced from his binge. This is so scary. I spoke to his mom last night for a while. She's has finally come to grips with how bad his addiction has gotten. She even admitted that she thinks he saw it coming and that is why he pushed me away and why he started to go back to meetings (he had said he would never go back, he could do it on his own & didn't agree with the meetings or like the people). She also finally agreed that he needs long term rehab. I don't know if she plans on throwing him out or giving him an ultimatum, but this is a step. She has enabled him for so long and pushed his addiction aside, like there's nothing that can change, it's just him. I love this man so much and I am so scared he's gonna die from this. Right now, I just want him home, then we can decide what the next step is. Part of me feels better, thinking he pushed me away to save me the hurt and the pain, but it didn't save me from it. I still feel it. Someone please tell me what to do!! I'm walking around thru my days in a haze, waiting for some kind of news. His mom's birthday is Thursday- this will be the 3rd birthday this year he has done this days before. First was his daughter's (came home 2 days before), then mine (came home the day before) and now his mothers. All 3 females that care about him more than anything, and this is how we celebrate our birthdays! I am so hurt and angry!!!
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Old 04-30-2008, 04:45 AM
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(((Brentsgirl)))

First of all, take a deep breath.

I can understand that you want him home, but as long as he is using, it's not going to do any good. You say that "we can decide what the next step is"...unfortunately, the "you" part of "we" can't do anything about his addiction.

One of the hardest things about loving an addict, is having to let them go and find their own way. Even if he were to come home, if he's still using, there are going to be more and more "binges" until he just doesn't come back.

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but as a recovering addict who left an active addict boyfriend, I know that the only thing you can do is stop focusing on him so much. You love him, you miss him. His addiction has nothing to do with you, other than the way you are affected by it. He isn't addicted because of any thing you have done or said. He is also not going to get clean because of anything you do or say. If love could cure an addict, this forum wouldn't be here, much less have so many people going through the same thing.

I'm sorry your heart is breaking, and I know how bad it hurts. But if he keeps using, I can promise you it is only going to get worse.

He's an adult and he needs to face consequences of his using. Even if he goes to rehab, if he's not doing it for himself (but for you or your mom), it won't last. He's got to want recovery for himself, and he has to want it really, really bad.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:54 AM
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It does hurt so bad - I remember a letter that I wrote to my RAH when he was in active addiction and I was telling (trying to tell) him goodbye. I told him that I could feel him in each breath that I took and each beat of my heart. It was a visceral pain that I had never experienced in my life. The ache probably came from my caring for him and my hopes and dreams for my future.

There is absolutely NOTHING that you did to contribute to his relapse. Addiction is a progressive disease. Although I have been sober for two years I can still feel the progression of the disease in me - if I went back out I would be much worse than I have ever been before. By the time that an addict is in the position of your BF it is very doubtful that he is doing anything that considers another person. It's only about the drugs and how to keep it going. Although it's counterintuitive, the only thing that you can ever do to help him is to focus only on yourself and what you need to do to become emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. When you go to the Naranon meeting make sure that you get all of the phamphlets that they have - they really helped me. I finally realized that everything that I was doing that I thought was helping was the complete opposite of anything that had the potential to work.

You have started on this journey - simply by asking the question. You will heal and more will be revealed. What can you do each moment to take care of yourself? That is always a good question.

Thoughts going out to you
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Old 04-30-2008, 09:37 AM
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Hi Brentsgirl,

I am not sure how long you have been with your boyfriend but you remind me of me when my abf relapsed the first time while he was with me. I was devastated, thought my world was going to fall apart, didnt understand how he could do this to me, I didnt understand the binges, the mind thinking, I didnt get that when he used he was not thinking of me, his family or even himself. Now four LONG years later I get it a little bit better, I understand a lot more about addiction than I ever had before and now we have a son together. Sounds good?? nope I had suffer so much pain from his addiction within the last four years, I mean suffered... and I allowed it to happen. Bceuase after that first relapse I let myself stay in the relationship, allowed myself to stay on the rollercoaster ride... all the UPS and DOWNS for what.... to mainly have pain. Thats what life with an addict is like when you dont put yourself first. Crack is a completely ugly drug, the pull is stronger than anyone love out there. I hate to say this and I may sound like a hyporcrit but I say leave while your ahead... find better for you. Because nothing you say or do could ever change him, make him clean, make him go to recovery.... it is all completely up to him. If he could leave his own child behind... where do you think that leaves you.

Everything is said with much love

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