life with an addict newly in recovery
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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He's back....just not here
Well, he went home to mom's last night. He called her about 9:30pm and said to leave the door unlocked, he would be back. I am so happy he is alive and back home but it hurt that it was his mom he called, not me. Sounds ridiculous right? Why would I want the crack addict to call me? We aren't even in a relationship anymore. I'm so hurt, so confused, so feelin like crap. Heartbroken isn't even the word. But my first meeting is tonight, so I see a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I have no idea what the future holds for him, or us, but I sure do hope he makes it through this ugly addiction.
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(((Brentsgirl)))
I'm glad he's safe, but as long as he can use and then come home to mom's to regroup, he has not incentive to STOP using.
I'm also glad that you're going to a meeting tonight. You will meet others who are in the same position, and some that have moved on.
I, too, hope he "makes it through this addiction" but the fact is...it NEVER goes away. We addicts are addicts for life. Some of us just choose to go into recovery and change our lives so that using isn't as appealing any more.
I really hope that you can start focusing on what YOU want from life. Right now, you want him. Read through some posts of women who have stuck by their addict for years and, even if their addict is clean right now, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is that really how you see your future?
I'm not saying that addicts can't recover...they can. But it involves a lot of work, soul-searching and dedication to a life WITHOUT drugs to do it. The best way to find out what an addict wants is to look at their actions. His actions, right now, say he wants to use and he doesn't want to deal with the guilt he would feel around you.
It hurts like hell....I know it does. But you can't make a relationship work all by yourself. In fact, as far as he's acting, you're not even IN a relationship anymore.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I really do remember what it felt like. But we work through the pain, we learn to focus on us (not the addict) and we go on. Maybe he'll want recovery and you can work things out, maybe not. The main thing is, a relationship is not going to work until BOTH people are contributing and getting what they want out of life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad he's safe, but as long as he can use and then come home to mom's to regroup, he has not incentive to STOP using.
I'm also glad that you're going to a meeting tonight. You will meet others who are in the same position, and some that have moved on.
I, too, hope he "makes it through this addiction" but the fact is...it NEVER goes away. We addicts are addicts for life. Some of us just choose to go into recovery and change our lives so that using isn't as appealing any more.
I really hope that you can start focusing on what YOU want from life. Right now, you want him. Read through some posts of women who have stuck by their addict for years and, even if their addict is clean right now, they are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is that really how you see your future?
I'm not saying that addicts can't recover...they can. But it involves a lot of work, soul-searching and dedication to a life WITHOUT drugs to do it. The best way to find out what an addict wants is to look at their actions. His actions, right now, say he wants to use and he doesn't want to deal with the guilt he would feel around you.
It hurts like hell....I know it does. But you can't make a relationship work all by yourself. In fact, as far as he's acting, you're not even IN a relationship anymore.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I really do remember what it felt like. But we work through the pain, we learn to focus on us (not the addict) and we go on. Maybe he'll want recovery and you can work things out, maybe not. The main thing is, a relationship is not going to work until BOTH people are contributing and getting what they want out of life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Remember the three cs. You didnt cause it cant control it and cant cure it. Let him go.
He's not ready to get clean but was tired of seeing the pain he caused. For today, thats a gift from your HP.
Focus on you and yourself and your recovery and how youve changed. Find yourself again and time will tell all. From my experience and comparing with all youve described its all far from over, his use and him coming back in your life, so for now focus on you and what you want and what makes you happy.
He's not ready to get clean but was tired of seeing the pain he caused. For today, thats a gift from your HP.
Focus on you and yourself and your recovery and how youve changed. Find yourself again and time will tell all. From my experience and comparing with all youve described its all far from over, his use and him coming back in your life, so for now focus on you and what you want and what makes you happy.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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My first meeting.........
Went to my first meeting tonight. Such a wonderfully supportive group of people. All of them were parents of addict and quite a few years older than me (I'm 32), but it was so good for me to see and hear that I am not alone. And it gave me a bit of insight into myself. I was feeling like a crazy person, like I was addicted to him- constant worry, obsessing about him and what he is doing, etc. And I learned that was completely normal- the addicts become our drugs. I was also asked if I grew up with an addict, I was told I came across that way. Which is funny, because I didn't really, but my dad was a heroin addict before I was born. I spoke to Brent's mom afterwards tonight. He has been asleep all day, which I am not surprised, he will do that when coming off a binge. She wants to throw him out tomorrow, her husband wants to give him another chance to walk the line. She also told me that she went to the apartment he was getting high in on Saturday (I have spoken to her all week and she didn't mention it). Said he was full on high, on heroin she believes (his drug of choice is usually crack). He was laying there on the couch drooling, with his eyes rolling back in his head, all blue, no pupil. She went to get the keys to his brothers car that he stole. I give her credit, took alot of guts to walk in there. So thats where I'm at right now. Kinda stuck in limbo. I love this man, Brent, the man I met, not this ugly drug addict he is currently. But I am learning that all the love in the world can't fix him.
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I'm so glad you went to the meeting and you now realize you're not crazy. It's true...the addict does become our "drug" if we let them. As a recovering addict and a recovering codie, I think the codie one is harder! Seems I take one step forward, two steps back some days, but I keep trying.
It sounds like he is getting worse and I really hope that you can keep going to meetings, focus on you, and let him hit his bottom. It's hard, and it hurts, but there is a lot of support here and at al-anon to help you through it.
Main thing...take care of you because you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It sounds like he is getting worse and I really hope that you can keep going to meetings, focus on you, and let him hit his bottom. It's hard, and it hurts, but there is a lot of support here and at al-anon to help you through it.
Main thing...take care of you because you deserve it!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Still sleeping
:wtf2
Well, he has been back at his mom's for more than 24 hours now and he is still sleeping. Has gotten up to pee a few times, but that's about it. I don't think he has eaten at all yet. It kind of pisses me off that they are just allowing him to sleep. I don't know if it would be a bad idea or not to wake him, but it still pisses me off that he is still sleeping, not being made to face things. I hate that I am in constant thought about this, about him. I love him so much, but this is not what I signed up for. I wish I could rewind time, back to when things were good, to when he was staying clean. I wish I didn't have the image of him higher than a kite on heroin in my head right now. It sickens me and at the same time makes me so sad. I used to watch the show "Intervention" and feel so badly for the people, the families and friends of the addict. I would think though, "Jeez, how does it get that bad?" And now, I am living it. My very own real life episode of "Intervention" only there has been no intervention. I am so glad for this website. If for nothing else, than as a place I can vent my feelings without judgment. Thanks to all for listening.
K........
Well, he has been back at his mom's for more than 24 hours now and he is still sleeping. Has gotten up to pee a few times, but that's about it. I don't think he has eaten at all yet. It kind of pisses me off that they are just allowing him to sleep. I don't know if it would be a bad idea or not to wake him, but it still pisses me off that he is still sleeping, not being made to face things. I hate that I am in constant thought about this, about him. I love him so much, but this is not what I signed up for. I wish I could rewind time, back to when things were good, to when he was staying clean. I wish I didn't have the image of him higher than a kite on heroin in my head right now. It sickens me and at the same time makes me so sad. I used to watch the show "Intervention" and feel so badly for the people, the families and friends of the addict. I would think though, "Jeez, how does it get that bad?" And now, I am living it. My very own real life episode of "Intervention" only there has been no intervention. I am so glad for this website. If for nothing else, than as a place I can vent my feelings without judgment. Thanks to all for listening.
K........
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Went out tonight for a pick me up with some girlfriends. I have to say though, the single scene sucks- lol! But it took my mind off things and no tears today! A bit of me time, getting dolled up, the whole sha-bang......that part felt good. Still more to work on but it's a step right?
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Yes, that is a GREAT step in the right direction!
When we say "take care of you" or "try not to think of him", we KNOW you can't do this all the time. You start with baby steps, like getting dressed up and going out with friends. Each time you take a step, it's scary and unfamiliar. But each time you get past it, you get a little more confidence.
I agree with Anvil...I wouldn't be getting so many updates on him. Apparently he's found a place to crash after the high wears off and that's what he wants. I remember being so ANGRY that my XABF always put me second to a crack pipe. But then, I have to remember, my family felt the same way when I was using.
Even though I know, without a doubt, how a drug can consume your every waking minute and hour, it still hurt like hell to be on the receiving end of being second to dope.
You did great. Keep taking the baby steps, try to step back from the updates on him because they are going to keep the bad feelings all stirred up. As much as it hurts, he's making this choice, whether it makes sense to you or not. I can assure you, as long as he's using, that's the ONLY thing on his mind. He may say he's sorry, or wants to do better when he's coming down (after he wakes up), but I wouldn't believe a word he says until I saw a LOT of action.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When we say "take care of you" or "try not to think of him", we KNOW you can't do this all the time. You start with baby steps, like getting dressed up and going out with friends. Each time you take a step, it's scary and unfamiliar. But each time you get past it, you get a little more confidence.
I agree with Anvil...I wouldn't be getting so many updates on him. Apparently he's found a place to crash after the high wears off and that's what he wants. I remember being so ANGRY that my XABF always put me second to a crack pipe. But then, I have to remember, my family felt the same way when I was using.
Even though I know, without a doubt, how a drug can consume your every waking minute and hour, it still hurt like hell to be on the receiving end of being second to dope.
You did great. Keep taking the baby steps, try to step back from the updates on him because they are going to keep the bad feelings all stirred up. As much as it hurts, he's making this choice, whether it makes sense to you or not. I can assure you, as long as he's using, that's the ONLY thing on his mind. He may say he's sorry, or wants to do better when he's coming down (after he wakes up), but I wouldn't believe a word he says until I saw a LOT of action.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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i am late coming in on this but i want to tell you the 3c's. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it. you did nothing wrong.he is going to use or not use, you have no control over him. this may not be the time for him to get clean & stay clean. he may have the desire but it has got to be strong. focus on you & do good things for yourself. turn him over to your H.P. prayers going up for u both.
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Well, I made it through the weekend tear free! As I said before, I went out with a girlfriend on Friday night. That was OK. Then last night I went out with my exabf's brother. I know it sounds like that was not a good thing for me. But surprisingly, it was a good thing. He and I always got along great and although we talked about my ex, it didn't upset me. I feel like this weekend was a turning point. For whatever reason it clicked that I can't change him, shouldn't hold on to hope and deserve better. So thats where I am right now. I have decided not to log into my email account that his mom usually writes to me on so often and not take so many of his daughter's phone calls. I have to start to detach myself. I know all of you on here have been telling me I need to do this, but it took me mentally getting there I guess. Just wanted to thank all of you for all of your advice, encouragement and most of all for listening. This journey I am on is far from over, but at least I feel better about things and where they are heading. I CAN DO THIS!!!!!
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Hi " BG"
I am late coming into this thread so I am sorry. I had thought of you and wondered how he was doing after that short stint in rehab.
I am glad for the update on your ABF but saddened to hear of his relapse. I remember how positive you both were feeling.
yes it does all suck.
I have read this thread all at one time and can see your progress in detachment. Its pretty amazing. So good for you!
just remember its a long process and a life journey for you. It won't happen overnight.
you'll have days where you'll feel so strong and think you've " got it!" and then all of a sudden you feel those hopeless,anxious, feelings that stem from his addiction, your ability to let yourself get wrapped around it, and not your recovery. Those moments suck and can depress you if you let them.
just remember its :Progress not Perfection. I've been in recovery a bit now and I still go to " fix-it" mode ( if he would just open his eyes and listen...), or self-pity mode ( I don't deserve this!) Or maybe he just needs more love and understanding! (!) If that worked there wouldn't be any addicts for this group!
Then my HP whacks me up-side my head and I get back to ME and working on my life and not the addicts in my life.
Be gentle with yourself.
Don't get so hard on yourself if you don't think you are "doing" this right. Don't worry that you don't have all the answers, and are not sure which way to react or not react. Of course you don't have the answers. you aren't supposed to. At least not for him or his mother and daughter. None of us have the answers for others. Its hard enough to find the answers for our own problems.
most importantly for me I have learned that at times, I don't have to do anything at all for the moment. Doing nothing was a very new concept for "take-charge" me and believe it or not, it's an extremely powerful tool that has changed how I "react" in many ways.
Sometimes its okay to "do nothing" for a while until the answer feels certain. that's why we turn it over to our HP.
Remember:
You are doing the best you can with what you have right now.
When the pain of loss, fear, and abandonment overwhelms me, It give it all to my HP and tell God to take it cause its too much for me.
One day at a time can sometimes be too much. One hour, or minute at a time helps when I am in an internal crisis mode.
.
Prayers,:praying
I am late coming into this thread so I am sorry. I had thought of you and wondered how he was doing after that short stint in rehab.
I am glad for the update on your ABF but saddened to hear of his relapse. I remember how positive you both were feeling.
yes it does all suck.
I have read this thread all at one time and can see your progress in detachment. Its pretty amazing. So good for you!
just remember its a long process and a life journey for you. It won't happen overnight.
you'll have days where you'll feel so strong and think you've " got it!" and then all of a sudden you feel those hopeless,anxious, feelings that stem from his addiction, your ability to let yourself get wrapped around it, and not your recovery. Those moments suck and can depress you if you let them.
just remember its :Progress not Perfection. I've been in recovery a bit now and I still go to " fix-it" mode ( if he would just open his eyes and listen...), or self-pity mode ( I don't deserve this!) Or maybe he just needs more love and understanding! (!) If that worked there wouldn't be any addicts for this group!
Then my HP whacks me up-side my head and I get back to ME and working on my life and not the addicts in my life.
Be gentle with yourself.
Don't get so hard on yourself if you don't think you are "doing" this right. Don't worry that you don't have all the answers, and are not sure which way to react or not react. Of course you don't have the answers. you aren't supposed to. At least not for him or his mother and daughter. None of us have the answers for others. Its hard enough to find the answers for our own problems.
most importantly for me I have learned that at times, I don't have to do anything at all for the moment. Doing nothing was a very new concept for "take-charge" me and believe it or not, it's an extremely powerful tool that has changed how I "react" in many ways.
Sometimes its okay to "do nothing" for a while until the answer feels certain. that's why we turn it over to our HP.
Remember:
You are doing the best you can with what you have right now.
When the pain of loss, fear, and abandonment overwhelms me, It give it all to my HP and tell God to take it cause its too much for me.
One day at a time can sometimes be too much. One hour, or minute at a time helps when I am in an internal crisis mode.
.
Prayers,:praying
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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WOW!! You have already come a long way!
Cece's right, though, so don't be surprised if you have a day where you feel like you just got punched in the gut. For me, I was prepared because people told me it was going to happen. So, if I had one of those days, I would just think "okay, this is what they told me would happen...and if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, this too, shall pass" and it always did. When you focus on you, the bad days are a lot rarer.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Cece's right, though, so don't be surprised if you have a day where you feel like you just got punched in the gut. For me, I was prepared because people told me it was going to happen. So, if I had one of those days, I would just think "okay, this is what they told me would happen...and if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, this too, shall pass" and it always did. When you focus on you, the bad days are a lot rarer.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Poughkeepsie, NY
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Well, you guys were right. It happened last night. Not too bad, but still. Last night his mom contacted me to tell me he was online the night before and she had thought he had contacted me (he hadn't). So, while it wasn't too bad, it was still was a sucker punch in the regards that I didn't need to know he was online or what he was doing , nor did I have to think about why it was he hasn't contacted me or why she thought he might. But, today is a new day. It is gorgeous out and I am going to do my damnedest to try to push him out of my mind and enjoy it! Thanks to all for their encouragement & warnings- LOL!
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Finally a positive!
On a positive note.....I just paid my household bills for the month, and even thought there is very little left over, I have finally gotten myself out of the debt my exabf left me in!!! So, tonight I can breathe a sigh of relief that my electric won't be shut off, I still have cable and the bank isn't gonna foreclose on me! And I did it by MYSELF!!! Even though it's little in the grand scheme of things, it's something and I am so happy about it! Just thought I'd share........
K..............
K..............
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Need some advice.....
I have decided to write my exabf an email (we haven't spoken since the day after he moved out). While there are many reasons for this, the biggest is that I miss my best friend. He has been clean now for about 15 days, I know thats not a lot, but its a start. And he has returned to meetings. I don't want him to get the wrong impression from me contacting him, nor do I want him to feel pressured, so my thought was to subject the email as "Friend Treaty" and in the email state that I am here for him as a friend. Someone to talk to, vent to, etc. As well as ask how he is and wish him well. I drafted the email, but am holding off on sending it until after the weekend. Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice?
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(((Brentsgirl)))
I've never really been in that situation before. However, my XABF (still active) is in jail, and I wrote to him....as a friend. I told him that I was sorry that he still thought using was "all that" and that he's back in jail. I also told him that though I still love him, I won't be with him because we want totally different things in life...I want a life, he wants to get high. I also told him not to ask me for money, since that's a bridge he's burned too many times.
I didn't hear back from him, but it's okay. I know the circumstances aren't the same, but I felt like I needed to let him know I still care. I never told him that he should try getting clean, but I did tell him how much better MY life is since I've been in recovery.
I think as long as you keep it in the here-and-now...I'm glad you're clean, and I am here as your friend if you'd like to talk, it will be okay. I just wouldn't mention anything about what may happen in the future. I say that, because in the past, that's exactly what I did, and it doesn't help anything. If he's working at recovery, he's taking things one day at a time, so that's the way I would keep it.
If he doesn't respond, though, I would not send another one. It doesn't mean he doesn't care....he's just dealing with a lot of emotions right now and may very well need his space.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've never really been in that situation before. However, my XABF (still active) is in jail, and I wrote to him....as a friend. I told him that I was sorry that he still thought using was "all that" and that he's back in jail. I also told him that though I still love him, I won't be with him because we want totally different things in life...I want a life, he wants to get high. I also told him not to ask me for money, since that's a bridge he's burned too many times.
I didn't hear back from him, but it's okay. I know the circumstances aren't the same, but I felt like I needed to let him know I still care. I never told him that he should try getting clean, but I did tell him how much better MY life is since I've been in recovery.
I think as long as you keep it in the here-and-now...I'm glad you're clean, and I am here as your friend if you'd like to talk, it will be okay. I just wouldn't mention anything about what may happen in the future. I say that, because in the past, that's exactly what I did, and it doesn't help anything. If he's working at recovery, he's taking things one day at a time, so that's the way I would keep it.
If he doesn't respond, though, I would not send another one. It doesn't mean he doesn't care....he's just dealing with a lot of emotions right now and may very well need his space.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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My heart is breaking tonight. This time not for myself....for my exabf's daughter. As those you of who have been following my posts know, I haven't spoken to him since he moved out last month. I do, however still keep in close contact with his 12 year old daughter and his mother. Well tonight he reached an all time low. He was supposed to pick his daughter up after her school dance, and instead, he left her standing in the rain. He instead took off on a binge!!!! I am so mad and hurt right now I could beat the s**t out of him. I gave him over to his recovery. It broke my heart to let him go, but I did it so that his little girl could have a chance to have her father back, and now he's gone and done this! I am seeing him in an entirely different light tonight. This is not the man I fell in love with, this is a disgusting monster! Well, I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.
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((((Brentsgirl)))
Sorry I just saw this, but have been out of town.
I'm really sorry that he stood her up. My niece's "sperm donor" has never been a dad to her, always more interested in crack. Though we never said anything bad about him, we let her find out what he was like on her own..and she wants nothing to do with him.
It sounds like you have a pretty close relationship with her, so maybe you can just be there for her to talk to. You can't fix HER relationship with him, any more than you could fix yours. Maybe she can go to an ala-teen meeting....lots of other kids going through similar situation.
I'm sorry you're having to see this side of him, but as long as he keeps using, it's going to get worse. Keep your distance, sweetie. Take care of you and let him find his own way. He is doing what he wants to do right now. It's awful to watch someone destroy their lives and affect so many others, but it's something only he can change.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry I just saw this, but have been out of town.
I'm really sorry that he stood her up. My niece's "sperm donor" has never been a dad to her, always more interested in crack. Though we never said anything bad about him, we let her find out what he was like on her own..and she wants nothing to do with him.
It sounds like you have a pretty close relationship with her, so maybe you can just be there for her to talk to. You can't fix HER relationship with him, any more than you could fix yours. Maybe she can go to an ala-teen meeting....lots of other kids going through similar situation.
I'm sorry you're having to see this side of him, but as long as he keeps using, it's going to get worse. Keep your distance, sweetie. Take care of you and let him find his own way. He is doing what he wants to do right now. It's awful to watch someone destroy their lives and affect so many others, but it's something only he can change.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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