Big slipup day!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Big slipup day!
The saga continues.
Yesterday was a complete slip day. It started when I talked to AH on the phone and I let myself be convinced of his action. He made his "offer", said he has a letter for his preapproval, says he has numbers and papers from real estate agents, etc. and then last night I got an email with an apology. I know that doesn't make sense, but not worth getting into WHY I got an apology email.
After reading it (the apology) and while reading it, I felt like it was untrue, it didn't feel good. It felt off. Then I thought to myself - Did I have to be so mean? Couldn't I see that he was trying to say he was sorry the best he could - he wasn't sleeping well, he thought I'd always be there for him, he feels bad that I feel like he's not there for me because he knows what that feels like, he wanted to tell me about the pills many times but was too embarrassed and the issues with his brother just kept it going... I thought, it's not great, and it doesn't really feel like a real apology, but he tried, so I wrote back that I was sorry too and thanks for the apology
I woke up this morning bonking myself on the head! First of all, how did I let myself get so distracted? He had me believing all his *action* without my seeing any. He still has not shown me how he can do what he offers - nothing, not even a tiny scrap of paper with scribbles or calculations - nada, zippo, zero, nothing - and yet, for a while yesterday he had me convinced of his *actions*? Then what happened to the golden rule of not responding for 24 hours at least! What in the world was I doing saying I was sorry too - well, I am sorry about the situation, it's too bad this is where we ended up, but thanking him for an apology? Are you kidding me? What was I thinking? It wasn't an apology, not really - I should have stuck to my first instinct, of course! Not one word of acknowledgement, not one word of remorse, amends, anything. Just how bad he feels and how he's still suffering, excuses for why he hid the pills, blah blah blah.
I'm back on track today I think, but wow - how does this happen? And, why? Why do they have to be so full of B.S. ALL the time? (rhetorical question there
) But you know? sometimes I get so tired of navigating his lies just to get to the truth, I'd like to be able to take something at face value once in a while and just leave it at that.
Thanks for listening! I guess I just needed to vent. I feel so stuck sometimes. It's going to take legal to move this along because I can't talk to AH - I can't believe one stinking word he says! It just costs me more money all the time. All because he cannot grow up. And, it makes me mad. I know why and how I got here, I just don't think that's a great excuse for him not being a responsible human being.
Yesterday was a complete slip day. It started when I talked to AH on the phone and I let myself be convinced of his action. He made his "offer", said he has a letter for his preapproval, says he has numbers and papers from real estate agents, etc. and then last night I got an email with an apology. I know that doesn't make sense, but not worth getting into WHY I got an apology email.
After reading it (the apology) and while reading it, I felt like it was untrue, it didn't feel good. It felt off. Then I thought to myself - Did I have to be so mean? Couldn't I see that he was trying to say he was sorry the best he could - he wasn't sleeping well, he thought I'd always be there for him, he feels bad that I feel like he's not there for me because he knows what that feels like, he wanted to tell me about the pills many times but was too embarrassed and the issues with his brother just kept it going... I thought, it's not great, and it doesn't really feel like a real apology, but he tried, so I wrote back that I was sorry too and thanks for the apology
I woke up this morning bonking myself on the head! First of all, how did I let myself get so distracted? He had me believing all his *action* without my seeing any. He still has not shown me how he can do what he offers - nothing, not even a tiny scrap of paper with scribbles or calculations - nada, zippo, zero, nothing - and yet, for a while yesterday he had me convinced of his *actions*? Then what happened to the golden rule of not responding for 24 hours at least! What in the world was I doing saying I was sorry too - well, I am sorry about the situation, it's too bad this is where we ended up, but thanking him for an apology? Are you kidding me? What was I thinking? It wasn't an apology, not really - I should have stuck to my first instinct, of course! Not one word of acknowledgement, not one word of remorse, amends, anything. Just how bad he feels and how he's still suffering, excuses for why he hid the pills, blah blah blah.
I'm back on track today I think, but wow - how does this happen? And, why? Why do they have to be so full of B.S. ALL the time? (rhetorical question there
) But you know? sometimes I get so tired of navigating his lies just to get to the truth, I'd like to be able to take something at face value once in a while and just leave it at that.Thanks for listening! I guess I just needed to vent. I feel so stuck sometimes. It's going to take legal to move this along because I can't talk to AH - I can't believe one stinking word he says! It just costs me more money all the time. All because he cannot grow up. And, it makes me mad. I know why and how I got here, I just don't think that's a great excuse for him not being a responsible human being.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Cod-wife--
I feel so stuck sometimes
Don't beat yourself up-- I think we all feel this way at times.
It's kind of like you're trudging across this really muddy field and sometimes your foot sinks into a hole - you just hit a snag and you kind of stall for a time. But as along as you are making forward progress - even if it is in fits and starts and slow - then that is great!
Progress, not perfection. You're doing really well, and the fact that you caught this so quickly - that it didn't dominoe into a series of bad judgements on your part - well hey I think that is major progress!
Steady as she goes!!
Peace,
B.
I feel so stuck sometimes
Don't beat yourself up-- I think we all feel this way at times.
It's kind of like you're trudging across this really muddy field and sometimes your foot sinks into a hole - you just hit a snag and you kind of stall for a time. But as along as you are making forward progress - even if it is in fits and starts and slow - then that is great!
Progress, not perfection. You're doing really well, and the fact that you caught this so quickly - that it didn't dominoe into a series of bad judgements on your part - well hey I think that is major progress!
Steady as she goes!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
I totally know where you're coming from...we want so much to interact with them like "normal people", including being able to believe what they say has some basis in reality.
A couple of weeks ago, an old AA friend of my A stayed at our house because he was in town. He came in really late, so I first met him when he woke up (my A was already at work).
We're in the kitchen having a nice chat and he asks me if I'm one of "them" (a recovering A). I told him I wasn't. He says, "yeah, I didn't think so". Anyway, I told him I had been somewhat active with Al-Anon since meeting my A and he said, "Well, let me give you the best advice I can give you when you're dealing with one of 'us': It's like watching an unsubtitled foreign movie. Just turn off the sound and watch the picture."
I thought that was great!
A couple of weeks ago, an old AA friend of my A stayed at our house because he was in town. He came in really late, so I first met him when he woke up (my A was already at work).
We're in the kitchen having a nice chat and he asks me if I'm one of "them" (a recovering A). I told him I wasn't. He says, "yeah, I didn't think so". Anyway, I told him I had been somewhat active with Al-Anon since meeting my A and he said, "Well, let me give you the best advice I can give you when you're dealing with one of 'us': It's like watching an unsubtitled foreign movie. Just turn off the sound and watch the picture."
I thought that was great!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by cen616 
Just turn off the sound and watch the picture."
Hey,
We have all done the same thing, at least I know I did. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep moving forward with what you know is the right thing to do. It is totally frustrating that you can't believe one single word they say. But it's a fact. You're doing great!!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
codienewife...I slipped myself, today, just after reading all these posts and feeling good and strong.
Background: We were going to be on a tight budget this month because of a vacation at the end of last month...but, he slips as soon as we get back and $200 goes out the door for drugs. So, I'm struggling to keep things going and last night tell him that we've got $6 to live on until the next paycheck comes.
Today, he calls me at work and asks what I want for dinner. I ask him where he got money. He says he's got a couple of bucks. All I can think is "FROM WHERE??", but I don't push it.
I come home to a pizza, and he's so proud. After I asked, again, where the money came from, he says he "used his dope money responsibly." Apparently, over these last two weeks that he hasn't used, he's had a little stash of cash just in case. Instead of being happy that he didn't buy drugs, all I can think is "you jerk!" (ok, I didn't think "jerk"). Here I was trying to figure out how to buy food and gas with $6, and he had money set aside for dope. I managed not to go off, but I could tell he was hurt by my lack of enthusiasm. He really expected me to be thrilled with this gesture. I could only feel manipulated, lied to and used.
I thanked him for buying dinner, but my initial reaction cancelled it out. He left to go out and there's a good possibility he got a check tonight. All I can think is that he's going to use my behavior as an excuse to you know what. ********, of course, but that's how they think.
I'm not really beating myself up over it...but I can't help think that if I'd just accepted the gesture for what it was, it would have been better.
Background: We were going to be on a tight budget this month because of a vacation at the end of last month...but, he slips as soon as we get back and $200 goes out the door for drugs. So, I'm struggling to keep things going and last night tell him that we've got $6 to live on until the next paycheck comes.
Today, he calls me at work and asks what I want for dinner. I ask him where he got money. He says he's got a couple of bucks. All I can think is "FROM WHERE??", but I don't push it.
I come home to a pizza, and he's so proud. After I asked, again, where the money came from, he says he "used his dope money responsibly." Apparently, over these last two weeks that he hasn't used, he's had a little stash of cash just in case. Instead of being happy that he didn't buy drugs, all I can think is "you jerk!" (ok, I didn't think "jerk"). Here I was trying to figure out how to buy food and gas with $6, and he had money set aside for dope. I managed not to go off, but I could tell he was hurt by my lack of enthusiasm. He really expected me to be thrilled with this gesture. I could only feel manipulated, lied to and used.
I thanked him for buying dinner, but my initial reaction cancelled it out. He left to go out and there's a good possibility he got a check tonight. All I can think is that he's going to use my behavior as an excuse to you know what. ********, of course, but that's how they think.
I'm not really beating myself up over it...but I can't help think that if I'd just accepted the gesture for what it was, it would have been better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey cen616--
I'm not really beating myself up over it...but I can't help think that if I'd just accepted the gesture for what it was, it would have been better.
But wow - I also would have been completely confused by this gesture. It's like a hall of mirrors for God's sake!! I think you're right in having the reaction like- WTH? I'm budgeting on $6 bucks over here!!
Very confusing. And just like Codeinewife - it just throws you for a loop and you don't even know what a "normal" response is anymore. Just so so so damn hard.
Peace,
B.
I'm not really beating myself up over it...but I can't help think that if I'd just accepted the gesture for what it was, it would have been better.
But wow - I also would have been completely confused by this gesture. It's like a hall of mirrors for God's sake!! I think you're right in having the reaction like- WTH? I'm budgeting on $6 bucks over here!!
Very confusing. And just like Codeinewife - it just throws you for a loop and you don't even know what a "normal" response is anymore. Just so so so damn hard.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
And, why? Why do they have to be so full of B.S. ALL the time? (rhetorical question there )
Can't answer that one, but I did see this one on another post somewhere and it seriously made me LOL.....How do you know an addict is lying? Their mouth is moving.
Glad you're getting back on track. Try to think of it this way: your reaction was normal....for dealing with most people, but then he is not "normal". The fault is with him for trying to manipulate you yet again. Keep doing what you need to do, try to ignore what you can, and it will soon all be over.
Can't answer that one
, but I did see this one on another post somewhere and it seriously made me LOL.....How do you know an addict is lying? Their mouth is moving. Glad you're getting back on track. Try to think of it this way: your reaction was normal....for dealing with most people, but then he is not "normal". The fault is with him for trying to manipulate you yet again. Keep doing what you need to do, try to ignore what you can, and it will soon all be over.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
I think the slipping comes out of desperation. We didn't get caught up with them because we didn't ever care about them. I think we just soo much want to believe they are for real, just once!! Just keep on going forward!!
CEN616-OMG!!! I know exactly what you mean! They want us to be happy for something that does not warrent it! I remember my CHH selling my video camera and when I freaked out he said "well it was crap anyhow and we wanted to get a new one" WTF???? He actually could justify his disgusting behaviour and then almost want me to be happy about it with him??????
Turn off the volume and just watch the picture---this may be my new favourtie quote!!!!
CEN616-OMG!!! I know exactly what you mean! They want us to be happy for something that does not warrent it! I remember my CHH selling my video camera and when I freaked out he said "well it was crap anyhow and we wanted to get a new one" WTF???? He actually could justify his disgusting behaviour and then almost want me to be happy about it with him??????
Turn off the volume and just watch the picture---this may be my new favourtie quote!!!!
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